Drowning In Silence

The room was dim.

not as dark as I expected.

People and nurses walking in and out of the hospital.

My vision blurred as if I was drunk

Nurses hovering over me, checking the low vitals.

They look like shadows coming and going out of my room.

I heard muffled

 but yet familiar voices.

I barely could move.

My head throbbed.

Pain surged like needles-stabbing-poking- every time I moved.

I heard Tyla and Isela

Their muffle voices.

I twitched a finger,

Trying to tell them I am alive but not very conscious.

“Mason, are you there? It's me, Afina.”

I tried to speak

“You now have a label. How does it feel?”

“How did it feel killing Ryker, who stripped you of your remaining humanity?”

A burden was lifted off my shoulder.

no words came out.

Just silence.

“I see,. when I reincarnated you. I wanted you to have a new life to start over. Not relive your past life. As you once did, you had become Ryker in that last fight.”

“You’ve become Ryker in that battle.”

“You sold your soul just to barely win.”

“Pathetic.”

“If Marek were here, what would he think of you now?”

“Your family was here; how will they perceive you?

"Their precious little boy, now a killer.”

Afina faded.

My eyes got heavy.

I flatlined.

“Mason, If you can hear me

it’s Isela…

Please don’t give up.

“I won't ever have the chance to thank you for killing Ryker and Dorian for assaulting me.”

“Ok, good twitching—he is twitching his finger.”

I looked at the green line.

Steady.

But felt distant from him.

A killer. 

who I considered my only friend.

I saw him,

For the first time…

I understood him?

Was it admiration?

combat and our morals were the same.?.

But after seeing that stunt…

I don’t know what to think of him.”

“Why do I care this much about him?

I smiled .

I tried my best to not cry in front of him.”

“Curiosity strikes me as I speak. The first words came out: "Hey, Mason." I know you can hear me.

it’s me, Tyla, your party partner.”

In my mind I asked myself questions.

“...I almost lost someone who I cared about.”

“Will I be looked at differently now that I’m staying with him?”

I spoke again out loud. It doesn't matter; I go wherever he goes. I belong to him. Don’t worry, Mason. You won’t ever lose me.”

The nurse came barging in as if it was urgent. I wondered what it was, still not having full function of my body yet. I heard bits and pieces; I was able to see more clearly than before.

“Tyla and Isela, was it?”

Yes, that would be us, as we both say it in synch. Is everything alright?. You came bursting in as if you found something wrong.

“My apologies, I wanted to give Mason here the good news.”

“All his signs and vitals were good; he was very deprived of hydration and rest.”

Before I go into further detail, I will have you leave the room, due to the client’s privacy. Rest assured it’s good news.

I looked at Isela, and our eyes met.

“We should go to Isela.”

“Isela didn’t move an inch; slight tears fell down her eyes.

Her body seemed tense, as if she were here but lost in thought.

I hope she’s okay.”

“Isela, honey, please go with Tyla as I tell Mason the good news. I know you're conflicted about something relating to him. Your face says it all, darling. But as I mentioned before its policy, please stand outside of the hall.”

Mason, I am your nurse, Amanda. I’ve been reading your charts. It looks like you will be able to be discharged tomorrow. With that being said, I would like to do some light exercises to see if you're mentally and emotionally fit, given how the recruitment week happens. You were dealt a great psychological blow.

I tried lifting my hand up to give a thumbs up; nope, my hand fell right down. My body started to twitch non-stop, and I heard a rapid decline sound. Again with the voices. My body stops moving, I breathe shallowly, and I feel my heartbeat slowing down little by little. So much for getting better; I swam around in my mind to escape this agony, depressive state. Then I heard a voice; who it was, I can't say—it echoed all over the place.

“Mason, how could you not save us? We died in your hands.”

“Mason, you let your comrades destroy our house on my son’s birthday.”

“You're a monster, yet you're supposed to save us, pathetic.”

“You promised everything was ok, but our son got killed with a grenade. You lied, Mason.”

All these voices, these thoughts entered my mind, flashbacks after flashbacks, innocent people died in my hand. Those kids who were barely ten years old died from gunfire. It’s not my fault. I know I can’t play god, but what if I could have? Maybe these voices of the dead drove me and broke me worse than Ryker did. I can’t justify this guilt. The empty lives of the people we were promised to protect died. The worst part was I couldn't save them no matter how much I tried. I heard the voices of the dead talking to me as if I were reliving my past life.

“I remember the gunfire, Mason. It was horrific, bullets flying everywhere. I was just the age of nine, named Vira. You came and tried to save me and my family. To me you were a hero, Mason. Now goodbye, or in our language, "Wada'an," Mason.

“Anta wahsh, Mason Qaltalt akhi.”

You’re a monster, Mason. You killed my brother.

Liar, traitor, die.”

“Anta al-sabab fi annana juthath bila hayah

You're the reason we are lifeless corpses.”

As we stepped out of the room, I was still terrified of what I saw from him, and an urgent announcement came over the intercom.

Code blue.

I repeated

cold blue.

Multiple doctors dashed in the room.

The doctors were trying to understand what was happening.

It felt like hours to me, even days.

I was petrified.

a wave of intrusive thoughts surged to my head.

“Run.”

“Don’t look.”

“Hide”

“Suffocate”

“I drop down to my knees.

Broke down

Cried for hours.”

Ma-

Mason!!

I had no clear thoughts, just pure unfiltered pain. I clung to the door, pounded the ground, and screamed at a very high tone. 

I shouted

“Plea- 

please don’t die.” 

My body gave out on the ground; the remaining doctors helped me to a gurney, put me in a room, and checked on me. I felt fine. But suffered a panic attack.

As we came out of the room, I looked over at Isela. She just stood there, softly crying. I knew this was a lot for you to handle. I tried comforting her, giving her hugs and reassurance. Nothing was working. Why won’t it? This is a hospital, after all. Go figure. No wave of emotions came over me; I felt cold hearted and distant. That's normal for me. I’ve seen many people die back where I came from. This isn’t new to me, but it doesn’t make it easier for me to witness.

“Isela, look at me.”
“Isela, it’s okay!”

“Isela”?

Nothing, not a single word. Just then I saw doctors get into the room urgently. I came out of my mind and looked around. As I looked around, I saw doctors trying to figure out what happened.

I still felt nothing. It’s easier if you just don’t think about it. People die, get injured big or small, and we all die. That's how I see the world in my view. Then another problem occurred.

I saw Isela having a meltdown. I tried to comfort her and tried to make her calm down. Then I saw her passed out from exhaustion. I knew Mason would be fine, so I went over to Isela and stayed outside of her room. I don’t know why I did it, but it made me feel a little human.

“In my mind”

I heard multiple doctors speak all at once

pure silence.

I was in and out of being conscious.

I tried showing a sign or a movement.

Nothing. I felt helpless.

for the second time.

The first time was with Ryker; my heart was racing at a high rate, my hands felt sweaty, and my eyes were barely open. I dreamed for the first time, but it was a fractured fragment, no blue sky, no trimmed grass. Just pure blackness.