What I Want

The moment I opened my eyes, I was no longer in that dreaded, rainy land. However, it was also a place that I never expected to see again.

I could still remember it like it was yesterday. The long, winding roads. The concrete housing complexes stacked next to each other, so tightly that even an ant would have a hard time squeezing through. The distinctive lack of trees, accompanied by a dusty, smog-infested air.

It was Japan, but not at the current time. This Japan was one further back, when development was still rather scarce, and when people were still fighting for their lives at a chance of a turnaround.

But it wasn’t all there to it. I knew that better than anyone. This worn-out road. These building block-like houses. These were all scenes that I had seen time and time again, and only now did they return to me.

At the same time, a boy came running forward. He was a plain, average boy — short, dark hair, regular brown eyes, a bit of baby fat on his cheeks, and wore a sweater with a monster logo in the middle. But he was also someone that I should have always remembered.

The boy was holding onto a bright and colorful ball, running in glee. He had just finished playing in the nearby vacant lot — by himself, but he didn’t mind that. There weren’t many children in the neighborhood anyway, his parents were always busy with work to feed their modest family, and his sister was still in school. So, he would often play alone, and return home alone only when dusk had engulfed the town.

It was a day like any other. The boy returned home, ball in hand, expecting an average, but homely dinner.

But what he returned to would be nothing of the sort.

When the boy turned the doorknob, I reached out my hand. However, at the last moment, I retracted the action.

Perhaps, it was finally time for me to face this scene once more.

The house was in tatters. The only chair in the room had been broken into splinters. Piles of papers ripped and scattered all over the place. The floor was riddled with footsteps — dusty, bloody steps of all shapes and sizes. There were traces of slashes on the wall, running long but also abruptly, and mixed within was a signature hint of darkened crimson.

Once the boy ventured towards the living room… or rather, what was once the living room of his family, he saw carnage.

In the middle of the room, his mother was lying face-down, motionless. Wounds could be seen all over her body, from bruises to cuts of all kinds. Her body was still warm — the blood oozing out from her hadn’t even dried yet. On the side was a reddened knife, already drawn out from her most major, fatal wound — the large stab on her back; proof of this whole thing not being a suicide.

However, that couldn’t go to say for the other corpse in the room.

While the boy’s mother lay on the floor, his father was dangling from the ceiling, hanging by a makeshift rope made from a tablecloth. There wasn’t anything else to it — death by hanging didn’t leave as much of a scene as by a stab wound, after all. But only one thing was certain: on that fateful day, the boy had become an orphan.

And what, pray tell, did the boy react to such a scene?

I couldn’t believe that it took me this long to remember.

The boy dropped his ball, clearly shocked by the showing before him. But he didn’t cry, nor did he scream in panic. Instead, the boy stared at the two corpses, his eyes widened as wide as they could, and he muttered only one thing.

“... Cool…”

“Right?”

Behind me was a familiar face, though calling her a “face” right now would be a disservice. She was still the same Reiko as before she went missing, with the only difference being that her body was now only a vague, hazy blue, giving an ethereal feeling.

In other words, a bonafide ghost.

“How are you still alive?” I asked.

“Rude,” answered Reiko. “I’m already dead, duh. Can’t you tell from the ghostly appearance?”

“Let me rephrase that. How are you still able to converse? I thought your consciousness died when you were in Kana’s body.”

“I did. But I’m here, somehow. If I were to guess…”

Poking my cheek playfully, she continued with a grin. “Sisterly love?”

“Haha, very funny,” I waved away the ghostly hand like chasing a fly.

“Aw, you’re no fun,” Reiko retorted with a small pout. “Fine. Since we’re connected by blood and by power, I was allowed to reconstruct myself within your own consciousness.”

“So, this is…”

“Yup. Your old memories,” she nodded. “Though I guess you’ve already guessed that.”

“More or less,” I shrugged.

“You were always a sick little bastard. Getting off on people’s deaths like that — your own parents, no less.”

“Gee, thanks for the compliment. But for your information, I was never ‘getting off’ on that.”

To say that I was fascinated by death was an understatement. I didn’t know what was the exact trigger — maybe it was this scene, but ever since, the fragility of human life had always been a topic on my mind. How we were ultimately prone to our own destruction, how we were the only species sentient to our own demise. What were we achieving before our end? What kind of face would we make knowing that our entire life was for naught, or vice-versa? I never knew the answer to that question, but I had been looking for it for a long time.

The scene before us changed. In front of me was a familiar school gate — my old middle school. And together with it, another routine activity for me.

The boy from before was a middle schooler now, uniform and all. But that didn’t stop him from picking a fight with anyone that was in his line of sight. But he wasn’t even good at fighting — every time, he would be beaten to a pulp, so much that if he wasn’t seen with a black eye, people would think they were dreaming.

Yet, the boy continued. Even if his face was swollen like a peach. Even if his mouth was eating dirt and sand. Even if he never knew the taste of victory, the boy continued.

“What gives? You’re not even strong,” that day, one of the students fighting him spat on him. “Do you have a death wish? What’s the point?”

“Well, Renji? What was the point?” Next to me, Reiko asked.

“I just wanna see my limits.”

Or to be precise, I wanted to see what humans could do. But I wasn’t that much of a mad scientist — or rather, I wasn’t capable enough to experiment on others. So I tried it on myself. Fighting was my way of doing it — every day, I’d go and get beaten to near death. And each day, I understood a little more on how much I could take.

One punch became two. Two kicks became three. The numbers kept increasing, and I was all for it. Not a day passed without me coming home with some kind of wound on my face, or any part of the body, rather.

“That time was the worst,” Reiko scoffed. “Do you have any idea how worried I was? When both our parents passed away, I was the one to actually make us look like a family, and what do I get? A little brother that went about and fought literally everything he could find!”

“Haha…” I lightly scratched my nose. When she put it that way, I did look like a lunatic. Not that I would deny it, of course.

“Though,” I said. “What exactly made me forget all of this? These kinds of memories aren’t something you’d just lose easily.”

“... Good question.”

The scene changed once more. We were now in the room that was most of our childhood after — the second-floor room of Uncle Kuroda’s house. To be precise, mine.

The boy that was me, still in his middle school years, had discarded his uniform and was sleeping soundly. Until a small creek sounded.

Entering the room was a distraught Reiko — unlike her current appearance, her eyes were blood-red, while her hair was messed up more than a bird’s nest. However, the thing that stood out the most was none other than the shining knife in her hand.

“Hehe…” the small Reiko mumbled. “If I were to… If I were to… get rid of him… Things would be better, right? Things have to be better, right? He’s at fault, after all. Always making me worried sick. Never accepting my care. Who does he think he is?”

“Geez, what’s with you?” I asked.

“Hey, try being the family pillar as a high school freshman!” Reiko retorted. “And it’s your fault, shouldn’t you be more considerate?”

“Good point… I can fake it if you want.”

“Piss off.”

She might have sounded harsh, but there was no animosity in that swear anymore. Perhaps, both of us had long cooled our flames of hatred towards our circumstances.

Meanwhile, small Reiko was still in her murderous spree, and had raised her knife high in the air.

“Die!”

It was at that moment that small Renji opened his eyes.

Immediately was a kick to Reiko’s stomach. Even if he had lost all of his scuffles, small Renji was still the one with the better strength. One kick was enough to knock his sister down to the floor, rendering her unconscious on the spot. The knife also fell from her hand, sliding off to the side.

Small Renji picked up the knife. His eyes shifted from the shining piece of metal in his hand, to his still out-cold sister.

“Die, huh…” the boy mumbled. It wasn’t an exclamation, nor was it a question. It was a ponder of genuine curiosity.

“You know what, I was gonna save it for last…” lightly tossing the knife up and catching it, he said. “Might as well try it right now, right?”

“Though, a simple stab would be kinda unappealing…” the boy kept mumbling to himself. “I need to actually try my best, you know. What good would a human be if not dying in their greatest moment?”

“What do I do…” still in his soliloquy, the boy looked around. Aside from the kitchen knife, there wasn’t really anything that could be used. All except.

“Actually, you know what? I am on the second floor.”

Opening his window, the boy gauged his distance. It wasn’t too high up, but falling down the “right” way and he could certainly perish. But just to make sure…

The boy took the knife, and stabbed himself in the stomach. A gush of red burst out from his inners, sending a pain unlike any other he had experienced. But the boy was grinning. This would be it. His ultimate test of humanity’s potential.

Small Renji took a few steps back, and, still with a stab wound on him, jumped out the window.

“... And that’s what happened,” sighed Reiko. “After that, you lost your memories. Both due to a major head injury as well as blood loss. And since then, you’ve returned to being a nice and normal kid. I also didn’t have as much on my plate as well, so I mellowed out a bit… Well, at least I don’t want to outwardly murder you anymore.”

“Well that explains a lot,” I shook my head in disappointment. “So, what now? Seeing that this is my headscape, I guess that I’m in my ‘life flashing before my eyes’ moment, right?”

“Kind of,” answered Reiko. “You’re not exactly ‘dead’ yet; neither am I. I told you before, right? We’re connected by both blood and power — while I was chosen as the last soul to house Indra, your connection to me, as well as your affinity for destruction made you a perfect candidate for Vritra.”

“... And?”

“The two powers are meant to destroy each other. But put it in reverse; if neither is destroyed, then neither of us will die. You understand where I’m going with this, right?”

“You… want to house in my body, don’t you?”

With a smile, Reiko nodded. “Ever the understanding little brother. Kana wanted to end the prophecy with both powers dying, but that would mean both of us dying as well. And why should we? Think about it, Renji; we’re both basically gods now. We can finally have the power to get back at those who wronged us! We can live however we want! Don’t you feel like this is your missing piece? With an immortal body, you can surpass any limit that old humanity has!”

She wasn’t wrong in that sense. If what she said was true, and if combining Indra’s and Vritra’s powers would mean that I ascended to godhood, then I would become the perfect being at last.

But what about it?

All this time, I had lost my memories. All this time, I had been something for someone else. I had been a good kid for the Chief. A meek and kind brother for Reiko. A hero for Arja and Hava. A villain for Duna. A pawn for Kana. And?

What about me? What did I mean in all of this?

What I wanted was right there. With it, I could explain everything. My battle-crazed sense wasn’t me going out of control. It was just me from the start. It was little Renji trying to fight back his freedom, trying to once again feel his life pulsing.

What would happen if that reason ceased to exist? What would happen to me?

What was Tatsumiya Renji’s mark in the world?

“I…”

“Oh, good, you’re back,” answered Reiko. “Okay, so just place your hand towards mine, and…”

“I refuse.”

“... What? Renji, you don’t understand. Think about the possibilities!”

“There is none,” I shook my head. “For the moment I become a god… I cease to be human.”

“But what good is a human for? Don’t you get it? It’s a god we’re talking about! Think about the things you went through!... No, think about the things I went through! And you’re suggesting that I throw it away and waste my life for nothing?”

My mouth curled into a smile.

“And there it is. Thanks, Sis. For finally showing me your humanity.”

“... Huh?”

“You said it yourself, right? If we can’t both live, then one of us has to die. Now, show me your resolve to cling to this world, Sis. May the most human win.”