Chapter 35

“Can’t you do your job properly? You damn fool!”

It was another day at the office for Tsukasa. His boss threw the stack of paper straight into his face, right in front of the other workers. Papers flew everywhere, spreading across the office. Tsukasa was shocked. His boss being angry was a common sight, but not to the point of violence.

“Fix it now!”

“... Yes.”

His boss turned around in a huff. Tsukasa began by picking up the papers on the floor.

“He messed up again, huh?”

“How was he hired in the first place?” Murmurs spread throughout the office. When this happened for the first time, no one said a thing. Many were understanding of him. But, at this point, people no longer care.

“Sorry… Excuse me, sorry…”

Tsukasa kneeled behind chairs, reached into the space underneath tables, and even went above others’ desks just to grab the papers that had gone everywhere. The project’s failure wasn’t his fault… Or was it? If everyone said it was his fault, then wouldn’t they be right? The majority overruled the minority. That was the rule that worked in this world.

Could he have done anything differently? Maybe if he were more capable… Maybe if he were more confident in himself, he could call his boss out when he made that decision? No, surely not. Even if he asked about that decision, he would surely shoot him down. There was nothing he could do. Even if he were a different person, even if he were more capable, he wouldn’t be able to do anything. His boss would ignore his warning regardless.

Surely… It’s not my fault…

… So why did everyone think this failure was his fault? Was it because he never succeeded in the past?

But this time… this time…

Was it really… not my fault?

He wasn’t sure anymore. At first, he felt sure, but now that he stopped and thought…

He wasn’t capable enough. He didn’t work hard enough. That must be the cause. Had he put in more effort… he would be able to pull it. He would be able to change the fate of the project.

Had he been more capable, the project wouldn’t have failed. It was his fault. Everything was his fault.

All he could do now was take responsibility by working as hard as he possibly could. He shouldn’t make the same mistake. Not again.

Some hours passed. The skies outside were dark. He was tired, exhausted, but he couldn’t go home. He still had something to do. He still had work. Who knew what would happen if he didn’t complete his tasks? Worse things might happen.

“Looks like you haven’t finished.” One of his coworkers approached him. He had gone home earlier.

“... I thought you'd left for home?”

“I’ve forgotten something.” He picked up a stack of documents and took out three pieces before dropping the rest of the stack on him.

“...?”

“Do you know how much trouble you caused us?”

Tsukasa couldn’t answer. All he could do was stare at the new stack on his desk.

“Get the report done by tomorrow.” His colleague turned around and left. Tsukasa took a peek at the stack. There were a lot of red lines, a lot of things to fix. He could only sigh, continuing his work.

•••

By the time he was done, the last train had already departed, and it would be an hour before the first trains began operation. His home was too far for him to walk, so he decided to get a coffee instead.

He went to a convenience store and bought a cup of instant noodles accompanied by two cans of coffee. He remembered when he used to think these things were delicious. When was the last time he genuinely enjoyed a meal? It had been years since he last ate a home-cooked meal, and every time he spent money to eat out, he always thought about the costs and whether or not he could afford to live on his pay.

The clerk behind the cashier stared at him. She looked at him with suspicion. He understood why. He had gone through another all-nighter. He probably didn’t look good.

“Thank you,” she said curtly after he paid, probably relieved to know he was a regular customer. Tsukasa left the convenience store, eating the cooked noodles in the parking lot. He didn’t feel like returning to the office yet.

Despite feeling bored with the instant noodles, at the very least, he could still taste them. They hadn’t gone bland yet.

I wish… I wish I could have some home cooking.

Tsukasa himself couldn’t cook. He didn’t have the time to learn how to do those things. Like any other skill, learning to cook takes time, and his first results wouldn’t taste great. He would need to pay for ingredients that may end up wasted if he failed. Spending money and time, two resources that were difficult for him.

… It’s pointless.

Living is pointless. Working is pointless. He had no reason to keep doing this. He had no reason to survive. After all, he didn’t matter to anyone, and no one mattered to him. He didn’t have a reason to keep going.

Finishing his food, he threw the empty cup into the trash can, then downed the coffee. The coffee no longer energized him like it used to. One used to be enough, but it was no longer the case. Now, he needed a minimum of two cans in the morning to remain functional throughout his day at work.

Tsukasa sighed. Why did his parents give him this name in the first place? Whatever their wishes were, he failed to achieve them. In a way, he was glad they were no longer around. They would be embarrassed if they saw the kind of person he became.

It’s pointless. Everything is pointless.

If there was no point in working, why did he even do it? He wanted to go to a faraway land, set on an epic adventure. Leave behind all the pain and suffering of this world. Be a different person.

As he walked back to the office, he noticed a movie poster on a billboard. It promoted a movie adapted from a book. He read the book when he was still a teenager. He recalled the main character’s name, Kade. A warrior who fought to protect their loved ones. It was an inspiring story. He wanted to be someone like him.

Kade…

He wondered about how things would have been had he been born in a different world. Maybe he would be a warrior. Maybe he wouldn’t end up as a failure like his current self. A lot of maybes. It was a whole lot of fantasies.