Fitness

Today’s my last day at the hotel; my new house is ready. Leia has taken her leave recently to deal with some administrative matters. It’s been very peaceful, but I do miss having her around. I dig into my usual farmers’ breakfast at the hotel before setting off to the station.

As I arrive at the front gate, Maahnn is there to meet me.

“The humans have arrived, sir.”

The gate swings open. I was initially told there’d be about 35 human applicants. In front of me is 50 of them, of all shapes and sizes, lined up neatly to greet me in the courtyard. Maahnn marches out, proudly, to bring them to attention. They all salute at his signal. What is this, the Marines? Oh well.

I peer down the line. It’s a range of men, and a couple women, from young to old. Maahnn very thoughtfully ordered them by age. The youngsters look skinny, but they have an intense look in their eyes, much different from that boy that hangs around with Conan. I then see a group of about 7 ridiculously muscular brutes. Their appearance is almost comical; bald-headed, 1920s handlebar mustaches, like firemen, standing at perfect attention. By chronological order, these guys have to be in their mid 20s, but they look like they’re 40. Conan’s relatives? Is it even possible for a family to be this… built?

Not questioning it, I move on. A few older guys, greying hair, in decent shape. Likely to be great leadership candidates. One has a massive scar across his face. A good combat instructor, hopefully. As I reach the end of the line, I see some undeniable old geezers. Too old to do the job proper, but perhaps useful. They seem the most intense of the bunch, staring daggers at me instead of looking ahead.

The very last one is the very picture of frailty. He’s got to be pushing 90 years old, skin and bones, wrinkly skin. He’s got a cane. I suppose I expected these guys to filter candidates like this out, so I’ll have to give this old man the bad news myself in private.

I step back to the center to announce myself.

“My name is John, your Chief of Police. Thank you all for attending our first boot camp. You will be subjected to a series of rigorous physical tests to ensure you have the ability to serve the people of our great city. It’s my hope that you each give your best and prove to me you’re worthy of earning not just my approval, but the trust of the people of our nation’s capitol. I wish you the best of luck.”

With that, Maahnn shouts out, and the recruits are marched off. It’s time for fitness testing.

I quickly pull Fredericus aside to mention the old man, who is obviously lagging behind the group as they jog over to the beginning of the fitness course. He profusely apologizes, and we both go over to try and talk sense into him.

As we come up on the old man, he senses us and stops, turning around ruefully. He lifts his cane up above his head.

“I’ll have you know, you whippersnappers, I’ve served 75 years in law enforcement!” He seethes back, with an obvious English accent.

75 years? Before I can get a word in, he continues.

“I’ll be buried before I give up. Just try and stop me. I’ll whoop every one of your delinquent yobbo behinds!”

Yobbo behinds? What? Try as we may, the old man picks up his pace and actually jogs into line along the rest of the applicants despite our begging. We’re left standing, dumbfounded. Did he just run? We can’t make a scene in front of all the men. Time to start the course.

One by one, the applicants are lined up in front of the obstacle course. It’s the standard fare. A sprint, a crawl, scaling multiple walls, a row of waist-high barriers, a rope climb and a body-carry. A very dense, man-shaped sack filled with iron is the “body” for our course, as opposed to the silly-looking plastic dummies we used back home.

A dwarf with a rather complicated looking mechanical time station sits next to the judging table. With a shout, the first applicants are off, starting by age. I’d sat on a few recruitment days before, in my time, but this one had a special energy about it. These young guys killed it. Sailing over the barriers, hauling themselves up, they’re easily in the top 80% of applicants. They’re hungry to win.

Next came the “firemen”, as I call them. These ridiculously built, unbelievable specimens with their silly mustaches. Effortlessly, they tackled the obstacle course like it was nothing. I watched one of them jump over two waist barriers at once, seemingly by mistake. They all landed exactly within 1 second of eachother in terms of time, leading the pack.

The older men came next, of course, slightly slower. The guy with the face scar stood out from the rest, he must be ex-military. They all pass.

Now comes the old man I’d tried to stop earlier. We all watch in amazement as he does a series of full-body stretches, his cane resting against the starting line poles. He glares at us. The dwarf gives the signal.

I’d seen magic since I’d come here. I’d seen a single man explode a crater the size of a football stadium by screaming at the top of his lungs. I’d seen invisible men, talking slimes, walking lizards, and tiny little weapon-obsessed useful madmen. Of all the things, I never thought I’d see this.

This ancient-looking skeleton of a man sprinted like those Firemen I had seen a few minutes earlier. Was age just a number? He was MOVING. Kicking up dirt behind his heels, my jaw dropped to the floor. He threw himself over the barriers. Hauled himself through the belly crawl. Tackled the rope swing better than a few of the young guys. When he finally reached the body-carry, he grabbed it with one arm and dragged it the entirety of the way, plopping it down in the finish zone, and dropped to his knees.

“YEEEAAAAH!”, he screamed. The others couldn’t help but cheer. He passed. Not only passed, but with flying colors. The other recruits crowded around him and picked him up. We couldn’t believe our eyes. Well, except Fredericus, who had that now-familiar embarrassed look on his face.

“You knew he could do it, didn’t you?”, I asked with a heavy look of suspicion.

“Yes sir, he’s passed every examination we’ve ever put him through.”

After the men were dismissed, I took it upon myself to meet this old Olympian.

“What’s your name, old man?”

“Patrick, sir.”

“How the hell did you just pass my obstacle course, Patrick?”

He eyes me up and down.

“You must have been brought here, too. Let me tell you, I wouldn’t have been able to do it were it not for my wife.”

“Your wife? You were reincarnated here, too?”

“Yes, my wife. And yes, reincarnated. I was Assistant Commissioner to the City of London Police back in my day”, he explained.

“I fear I was brought here with the same mission you were. I wasn’t up to the task. My wife, a very homely elf with golden hair and piercing red eyes, quite shapely and the love of my life, cast a spell on me before she went off to war many years ago.”

Homely? Where I come from, that means ugly. It must mean something different across the pond.

“A spell?”

“Yes, a spell. An illegal spell. One that prolonged life, strength and vitality, forbidden to be used on humans. Even the original Royal Family was forbidden from receiving it. Knowing she would perish when she set off, she gave this gift to me in secret. As such, I’ve retained my strength and wit, despite my old age. Unfortunately, her fears came true, she was one of the first to go when the fighting kicked off. I miss her dearly.”

I decided to welcome Patrick to our little organization, perhaps out of a sense of duty. Only a few candidates had failed, due to failing to understand the course. The vast majority passed with flying colors. We finished the day with a uniform ceremony, where the accepted applicants received their equipment, sans the firearms and cuffs, punctuated by a great meal and a round of drinks. Each of the men seemed absolutely ecstatic to put on their uniforms, with the exception of old Patrick, who I imagine liked his old London coat better. I can only imagine the world he grew up in, or how he adjusted to this crazy world.

As I sipped my end-of-the-day whiskey, leaning back in my chair, Hue rang my ears again.

“John, a carriage has arrived to take you home. Leia is with them. Happy housewarming!”

Housewarming? Oh well. I finished my glass and stepped into the humid darkness of a summer night. Time to go home.