A Feeling of Doubt, especially about one's own Conduct

A day like any other thus far. I am currently down in the hideout, resting for a moment after sparring with Loren. It’s Eleanor’s turn now, which gives me a moment to think.

Either I miscalculated in our favour or we simply did better than I expected, but even after an entire year has passed some of our reserves still remain. With the current pace, however, they are set to run out within the next two months or so.

When that happens, we'll either have to spend more time in the mines or ration hard, both options I am not too keen about. So what's the move here?

Taking a good look at my fellow elf down here, I don't get the impression we are anywhere close to starting our uprising within two months.

We are diligently cobbling together an armoury of our own and practicing for combat, but that’s all we’re doing, really. The entire operation is sorely lacking in strategy and planning. When I asked, Loren only gave a vague answer like:

"We must sharpen our blades and ready ourselves for the day an opportunity presents itself."

That sure sounds nice and all, but time's not really on our side here, neither for my family nor for this rebellion. I could be old and grey by the time that perfect opportunity just happens to fall into our hands.

So my options are, expedite the timeline of the rebellion or once again find another way to sustain ourselves for the time being. I am honestly drawing a blank on both here, at least on ideas that actually seem feasible...

Banishing that issue to the back of my mind again, at least for now, I take a small sip from my flask and turn my focus towards the two locked in combat before me.

Neither of them are giving an inch here, really. Loren's solid foundations and years of training make him a formidable opponent. Eleanor however, makes up what she lacks in experience with sheer unpredictability. If I've counted correctly, she's winning roughly 1 out of 5 duels against him.

Loren tries to get her with a wide swing. In one fluid motion, however, she slips underneath his blade. Pressing her advantageous position, she disarms him with a swift kick, deciding this duel. I'll have to add that one to the tally...

She's definitely Loren's star pupil by now. While the others have improved no doubt, none of them can manage to best him.

Watching Eleanor closely and trying to imitate that fluid adaptability of hers, I actually managed to win against the fellow once, but that's about all I’ve achieved so far. Eleanor is simply build different, it seems...

"So what do you think?"

She too now saunters over to take her earned break. I toss her a rag, which she promptly uses to wipe away the accumulated sweat from her muscular body. It still is stuffy and hot as hell down here and the dozens of exercising elves down here certainly don't help.

"Nice kick, I am still amazed how you manage to think of stuff like that in the heat of the moment."

She takes my flask and gulps down a fair bit of water.

"It's more instinct really..."

Her face is rather flushed, the heat seems to be getting to her. She’s surprisingly humble, but both that good head on her shoulders and her dedication to honing her body and skills are what set her apart from the rest of us.

"And the bigger portions you give me. Don't think I didn't notice! Both you and Mother always take smaller portions on purpose, don't you?"

Guilty as charged. I just wanna make sure you grow up healthy.

"Don't give me that patronising smile!"

I try to hide my amusement, though I suspect she can read me like a book by now. After all, we’ve grown quite close over these past few years.

Taking another sip, I turn to watch as the others take their turns fighting against Loren. My mind wanders once more to the issue at hand.

"What are you thinking about?"

Sure enough, she notices my racing thoughts almost instantly. Since this affects her as well, it couldn’t hurt to hear her perspective. Maybe her instinct can give me some inspiration.

"As you are no doubt aware, our reserves will be running out soon. When that happens, we will either need to ration very strictly or work more in the mines. I'm trying to think of ways we can get more money, so we can avoid that. Sadly, I'm all out of ideas..."

She cocks her head.

"Tell me, Isayah, what's stopping us from going to the east again?"

The east where the enslaved humans dwell? That's just too dangerous.

"Mainly a makeshift wall and a few of them left behind during the day to stand watch. Also them most likely killing us if they ever catch us there."

I feel a shiver crawl down my spine. She looks at me with hollow eyes and a terrifying grin, I don't like that expression she's wearing right now at all!

"We are not helpless little kids anymore. Besides, if we take Loren with us they will be the ones running from us."

I can only hope that winning a few times against Loren hasn't gone to her head. A raid of that calibre against them would still be very dangerous. And yet...

"Still got a bit of water for me kids?"

Loren appears to be done with the others, taking less time for all of them together than he spent on Eleanor. I hand him the flask as he sits down next to us.

"Loren, we could always use more food and other stuff down here right?"

He raises an eyebrow at Eleanor's question.

"Sure, did you have something in mind?"

"Isayah and I used to steal daggers and other stuff from the humans in the east, maybe we could take a look if they have anything we could use. Isayah should know the rough layout of the place."

I do. Even if a few things have changed since my last visit, I could scout while remaining relatively safe with Isha's help. Loren appears to be actually considering her proposal. But the risk...

"This might work, what exactly did you have in mind, Isayah?"

They both look at me now. Loren with sense of intrigue and Eleanor with expectation. Am I supposed to plan this now?

I've been mulling this over in my head for the past few months and came to no satisfactory conclusion. I was well aware we could simply rob them of all they have, but I simply didn't want to. No matter how you spin it, some of those humans will die if we do this. Either in the act or due to it's consequences.

Maybe due to some lingering morals of my old world I refused to even entertain the option. But if I want to get out of here with them, I'll have to place these doubts aside.

This might very well be the only way. Alright...

"We'll split into two groups, the smaller one serving as distraction while the larger spreads out across the area and collects what we need."

Eleanor grabs my arm and comes up rather close to me.

"We can do the distraction! We already know how to lose these suckers after all."

Her smile looks so deceptively innocent right now, one could almost forget we are currently planning a robbery.

What else might be of concern? What do I need to be truly afraid of?

"The worst thing that could happen to us really, is if one of those we robbed decides to rat us out to the overseers. They hate the guards as much as we do, but you never know. If they capture one of us and find out about the cave we are done for."

And how to mitigate that risk?

"We should keep our numbers small and obscure our appearance. Can we ask someone here to sew together a few cloaks and shawls to that end?"

Loren nods.

"The disguises should be doable, but why the small numbers?"

“We need to make this look like an act of desperation, not a planned strike. If the guards catch wind of it, they must dismiss it as nothing more than racial tensions. A smaller force will help sell that picture.”

About the groups, being the decoy is most certainly the riskiest job. I really don't want to let Eleanor be part of this at all, but I couldn't keep her from this danger even if I tried. She'd just follow us anyway. So I'll do this with her and keep her safe.

"Eleanor and I will play decoy. Loren, pick a few able bodies to carry our haul, and place men just across the boundary to receive it. Your job will be to coordinate their efforts and guard them from any stragglers we can't lure to us."

Loren hit's my back while laughing.

"You're a scary kid, you know that? I'll prepare things on my end, shouldn't take more than a week."

Being jovially assaulted by Loren while Eleanor still clings to me is quite the sensory overload.

So I've still got a weeks time, eh? Time to put Isha to work!

"I will spend the week scouting, make sure Eleanor is in top form until then, got it?"

"Sure thing kid!"

"Hmph~"

The days leading up to our 'excursion', instead of training down below with the others I stood atop the building hiding the entrance below.

"I see another wooden structure close to the wall."

While Isha flies as high as she can and describes what she sees, I carve the information she relays to me into a map on a piece of spare wood.

"Right next to it is a tent fashioned out of red tarp, he should have something worth taking."

That should shorten the time they need in there by a fair margin and further reduce any risk.

"I do wonder though, why do you feel so apprehensive about stealing from them now. You’ve done it before already. What's changed?"

She's right, I had no qualms before. When the man I stole that dagger from followed me back here, he lost his life. That was horrible to watch, no doubt, but that didn't dissuade me. I kept going because I wanted to help Mother. I only stopped due to the increasing risk.

Stealing things from them never felt like I was truly hurting them. They had it a fair bit better than we did. I could take a few luxury items like daggers and soap or even a bit of food. They still would have enough for themselves.

Now I feel like I am actually condemning people to die. When the elves enter the homes of these humans they despise so deeply, it won't matter if they take everything they have or just kill them outright. The result will be the same.

I guess I just worry that the elves will show no mercy for their brethren-in-chains. Race aside, they too have been thrown beyond the walls by those outside. I just think we should work together instead of being at each others throats.

"We hate the humans and the humans hate us. Working together with them is simply not a possibility. Always remember, if the roles were reversed, they too wouldn't hesitate to rob us of all we have. You can't hesitate."

Isha's right of course. I can only look past the issues of the blood because I am both and neither. I can't really expect that from the others, now can I?

I will not hesitate. Mother's and Eleanor's wellbeing are what I care the most about. Everything else is secondary.

With newfound determination, I continue my work with Isha until the day of the raid arrives.