No More Crying

Dawn’s pale pink glow cut through the isolated overhead gaps in the stone and machinery. Random, lonesome beams of illumination streaked through the darkened rafters and down onto the world around the steps that Sayane was once again descending. She had decided on what clothes she would finally change into, and had decided that it was time to reset herself.

She no longer wanted to feel like it was all too much.

Sheets of water fell in dense, noisy streams from far above. The pool was there, dark and bubbling. Azag and Attis were there with her, and Sayane felt comfort in their presence. There was no concern that they would look when they were not supposed to. Instead, they were there as her guardians.

When they reached the bottom of the walkway, the sprinkles of water danced along Sayane’s skin as she allowed herself to take in the image for a moment. There was no rush. To her happiness and relief, the noise of the waterfall was quite loud. It would be loud enough to drown out whatever singing she would be able to conjure.

Her companions sat in nearby spaces and began their waiting protocols. Azag sat against a mossy tree trunk that curved along the steps. His back was to the pool. Attis faced the stairs while laying against a chunk of rock. Sayane was free to remove her costume.

Once she was satisfied with the view, she breathed in deep and decided it was time.

“Sayane, before you start,” called Azag.

Attis glanced at Azag as Sayane turned to face them.

“I can help you begin, if you would like.”

“How?” Sayane asked.

Azag looked to Attis, who slowly nodded in understanding.

“My kind have an ability. It’s one of the reasons so many don’t trust Rabal. We can influence your emotions if we touch you…” Azag explained.

“That’s why you always wear gloves?” Sayane asked.

Azag nodded.

“I do not want to force you to feel peace. That must be true and come from within. But I can let you feel calm so that you may begin with some semblance of tranquility. Attis, you can keep an eye on us the whole time if you are concerned.”

Attis shook his head slightly.

“I trust you, dear boy. It is a good idea. Help Sayane ease into whatever she needs to go through,” said Attis.

The offer touched Sayane. Admittedly, she was nervous. By all rights, she was saying goodbye to her old life. Mourning was never pleasant work. If this could help the process’s beginning, she welcomed it.

“I would like that,” said Sayane.

Azag stood without a word and approached her as he slowly removed his glove. His eyes never left hers. As he moved closer, Sayane once again marveled at his height and intimidating silhouette that somehow held a kind, gentle persona. When the glove was gone, Sayane finally saw Azag’s hand.

A bent, scarred thumb joined three large, scarred, damaged fingers. The ends of the fingers seemed to have soft pads that were also damaged. Sayane tried not to focus on the image for too long, lest Azag be embarrassed or distracted.

“May I touch you?” Azag asked.

“Yes, please,” Sayane said as their eyes locked.

Azag’s gaze moved to Sayane’s softly rising chest, and his fingers met her body. There was an immediate sensation that felt like a pebble falling into still water. Ripples of warm release drifted through her entire being. Feeling the sensation caused Sayane’s eyes to close in welcoming calm. Then it was gone.

The effect was strong enough to help. Sayane felt the stress lighten. It wasn’t gone, but her heart and mind were no longer rushing.

“Thank you,” said Sayane.

Azag bowed without a word and returned to his post. It was time.

Sayane returned to facing the pool and closed her eyes to focus on her body. Moss and damp stone greeted the soles of her feet. Drops of fresh water were collecting on her brow and cheeks. The air was humid, but cool in the proximity of the fall. Early morning silence covered the land aside from the roar of the water.

Fabric slid from skin. Folds of cheap polyester fell to the ground. Torn stockings whispered farewell as they moved along her calves. Undergarments were unclasped and set aside. The last secret layers of cloth shielding were slowly pulled from Sayane’s hips and she was finally fully free of her costume.

Splashes of water clung to Sayane’s exposed stomach as she stepped forward and into the water.

It was cold, sending a chill of awareness through her entire frame as goosebumps covered her skin. Her knee let out a soft cry of pain as she stepped down deeper until the water rose up to her chest.

Sayane closed her eyes and submerged. Beneath the rushing fall and bubbling surface, sound muted and thundered in her ears. Holding her breath, Sayane counted to ten and said goodbye to her first life. While she bobbed, she focused on the good parts. Her bandmates were never mean-spirited. Views of Fuji-san on clear winter mornings. The smells of oden broths drifting from late night izakaya. Her favorite patterns on her childhood kimono. Music.

Music.

Her favorite songs. The elation she felt when she first ran away and auditioned. Metal and cloth in her hand when she finally reached the recording studios. Signing autographs for people of all ages who seemed to genuinely enjoy her songs. The feeling of achievement when hitting notes that were once out of reach. All of those moments had been there in her days, giving her the strength to carry on. They may have been lost in the final struggles, but they were always there.

‘Thank you, all of you. Goodbye,’ Sayane thought to herself as she exhaled the remaining air through her nose and rose from the water.

Wet hair clung to her neck and collarbones. Streaks of water masked the tears that had appeared, but Sayane did not brush either away.

She let the sensations wash over her again and again as she soaked in the world around her. This was her new reality.

She was finally ready to accept that.

The hum began without intention. Sayane didn’t even notice she was humming at first. It grew in her chest and she let it move through her ribs and throat, feeling it warm the muscles and tendons that had been neglected for a month now.

She had always been proud of her voice. It was always a strong voice, but she had put in a great bit of work to improve it to the highest possible level she could reach. Years of lessons, rehearsals, therapy, exercises, and tonics had made it the crown jewel of her record label. Even if crowds never appreciated it, it was there.

Now, the hum was causing her lips to part, changing from a subtle noise to a pronounced vocalization. Warmth moved through her lips and throat as everything began to wake. Beside her, the stones began to pulse green and alien.

“Ohhhhhhhhhhh,” Sayane sang as the note found its place.

Familiarity returned, and her lungs pulled in air to support. Intentional lips pursed to push air out over a flattened tongue. Shards of light awoke in the leaves of the nearly-dead tree that Azag was leaning against.

“OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Sayane sang as she pushed the note into her diaphragm.

Muscles tensed and shook in the cold but strength swam through the waters to reach Sayane. Now the sound was a full bodied expulsion of harmony. Color rose in intensity and everything seemed to become more vibrant. Attis sat up in silent wonder as he watched the world around him awaken.

Acceptance broke through the dams of Sayane’s soul, and she closed her eyes in blissful surrender as her head tilted to the heavens.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Sayane sang at the highest range she could reach.

The very water began to glow incandescent blue. Sayane’s song returned.

“No more crying. I don’t want to mourn anymore.”

Sayane sang without reserve. Spontaneous lyrical creation guided her. The words were new, never written, never planned, never reviewed. It was purely her heart. Every word gained in volume as Sayane’s tears of rebirth anointed her bare skin.

“No more crying. I’m picking myself up from the floor. I’m tired of the pain and hoping for a world that will never be the same!”

Azag sighed a weighted, moved sigh as his trembling hand unlatched his mask in secret. All around him, life hummed in gentle recognition.

“I never found peace but I found a way. No more crying. It’s a brand new day. No more crying. No more crying.”

Beside them, Attis’s face was buried in his hands as he muttered silent words to himself while smiling through tears. The rock pulsed all around him until it strobed with lovely green light.

Sayane’s hands locked in prayerful reflection as she began to sway. By now she was singing at the top of her lungs. Her volume rose above the cascading water and echoed across the dampened stone walls, but she couldn’t stop. More importantly, she didn’t want to.

“No more crying. I don’t want to mourn anymore. No more crying. I’m picking myself up off the floor. No more crying, I’m stepping through the door. I’m stepping through the door. No more crying. No more crying! No more crying! NOOOOOOOOOO MOOOORE CRYING!!!!” she sobbed as every last remnant of her old self poured itself from her mouth and out into the world where it dissipated into a peaceful goodbye.

Light pulsed through every surface down towards Sayane. The pulses built and built until they became a solid stream of pure green that blended to purple. There was a pause followed by chime, then the light exploded outward. The concussion whooshed upwards and outwards, past The Shattered Stone, past the waterfall, and out into the slums.

Tears fell as Sayane’s thoughts returned along with gasps of strain. Her arms crossed over her chest for comfort as she nodded to herself and hummed a few more lines while cherishing the return of a feeling she thought might never return.

“No more crying. No more crying. No more crying…” she whispered as she breathed in her new life.

With that, she stepped out of the water and felt the air rush against her exposed body. Shivers shook her small frame but she welcomed every twitch of awareness. She was alive.

Beside her, Attis was weeping. Sayane began to dry her hair first.

“Attis?” she asked.

Attis shook his head in soft understanding.

“What wonder. What wonder. Blessed are those who went before us into the long night. May the music return for them as well. My darling, I wish you could have heard it. You would have loved her,” he sniffled to himself.

Sayane felt a sting of happy melancholy and knew he was grieving a loss she did not yet understand. Something in her body felt different as she watched him. It was beyond empathy. It was as though his pain and grief were passing through her before fading. Strange as it was, it didn’t hurt.

Drying cloth ran along her dripping skin as she glanced at Azag, whose back was still to them. Even though she could not see his face, Sayane could see the slight shakes in his back that told her he was weeping silently to himself. Azag cleared his throat and wiped his face.

“Forgive me, Sayane. I hope you did not see my face,” he said as he clamped his mask back into position.

“What would be wrong about that?” Sayane asked as she felt more new sensations passing through her like a breeze through linen.

“My face is… mutilated. The Silence’s doing. Much like the rest of my body. Every day I exist in agony, but just now, I felt relief for a moment. It’s been so very long, I had forgotten what it was like. Thank you, Sayane,” Azag said with a bow towards her direction.

Sayane was dry now, and it was time to dress. The costume stayed where it was. Sayane decided that would be its resting place. It would be a shrine to her old life. For now, she pulled on the light, sturdy fabrics of Can-Mo’s selections and welcomed her new look of purple, grey, beige, and silver. There was no restraint in the shape or structure. Flowing top layers blended into wide legged pants that tucked into knee high boots. Exposed shoulders drifted into ornate sleeves. It was weightless, feminine, assured, and strong.

Running her hands through her hair once more to shake out remnants of dampness, Sayane caught a flash of bright purple.

“My hair! Is my hair purple?!” Sayane blurted out as she turned swiftly to Attis, who was as perplexed as she.

“So it seems!” he laughed with a shrug.

“What wonder!” chuckled Sayane as she bent down to return her brace to her knee.

Only, her knee didn’t hurt when she knelt.

“Wait!” Sayane exclaimed as she stood then squatted again.

Nothing.

Sayane cautiously lifted her leg and bent it forward.

No pain.

“My leg! My knee! It’s better!!” Sayane shouted as she twirled in place.

Azag joined them with a laugh of actual surprise.

“What wonder, indeed!” he said as he held his hand out for Attis to climb on.

“What is this place?!” Sayane asked as they made their way back up the steps and to The Shattered Stone.

“Your voice… It’s incredible,” said Azag as they neared the top of the steps.

“I thought I’d lost it forever,” Sayane said as Azag opened the door to the tavern.

“Thank you both- so- much……” Sayane’s voice trailed off as they entered the tavern and were surprised to see over a dozen visitors, all of whom were weeping tears of elation and release.

Among the crowd, Can-Mo was there waiting as well. When Sayane stepped fully into the space, there was an audible gasp, followed by claps and cries of joy from the myriad guests.

Can-Mo slid forward as it wiped both eyes. Kind, warm tentacles reached out to touch Sayane but stopped.

Then, Can-Mo bowed a deep bow, which was followed by all of the other guests.

“Welcome, songstress. It is our greatest honor to have heard your voice,” said Can-Mo between tears.

Sayane looked out at the reverent, shocked crowd and felt waves of hope and reflection crash against her like a tsunami. The feeling was nice. She couldn’t help but tear up herself as she looked out at the most wondrous crowd she’d ever seen. Her days as an idol were over. Her days as a songstress had begun.