Neither Here Nor There

We stood in the blank room, staring at the plaques.

“Okay, I mean, it’s clearly a paradox,” the red-haired guy pointed out.

“Couldn’t have figured that one out myself,” the dwarf replied sarcastically.

“Both of you act like adults until we’ve figured this out,” I snapped. They surprisingly complied.

We spent the next eight minutes theorising. A glance at the clock confirmed that it was indeed ticking in reverse.

“Both signs make reference to plaque A, so it might have to do with chronology,” the dwarf suggested. “Since plaque B is correcting the record on the deceitful plaque A, then door A is the right choice,” he concluded.

The albino lady scoffed. “There’s no telling which one is actually correcting the record,” she pointed out.

“We could look for markings on the plaques that suggest which one was placed first,” the dwarf replied defensively.

“Yeah, maybe they even wrote ‘enter here’ in small letters on one of them,” the redhead mocked.

“It’s worth looking into,” I said.

The dwarf smirked at the redhead and began searching the plates. The rest of us continued to theorise in the meantime.

“Oh!” the albino woman cried excitedly. “Maybe they’re making positive and negative claims about the doors,” she suggested.

“Really, you guys keep blowing my mind,” the redhead mocked.

“Shut up and listen,” she ordered. “Instead of reading it as ‘plaque A is false,’ maybe we should read it as ‘the statement on door A is a negative claim about the door. So, basically, door A is unsafe.’”

“Wouldn’t that mean that door B is claiming that door A is in fact safe?” the redhead pointed out. “So, we’re back where we started, moron,” he laughed.

I solved a lot of puzzles during my time as a NEET, so I was hoping I’d recognise this one…

“Maybe they’re trying to trick us, and we have to pick the opposite of the hopeful claim,” the albino lady defiantly suggested.

“And maybe they’re not trying to trick us. I think the greater mystery is figuring out how you made it past the first round!” the redhead hollered.

“Go on then, what’s your idea?” the albino lady barked.

“Easy,” he said. “It’s door A.”

We all looked up at him with great interest.

“Why do you say that?” I asked.

The man chuckled. “I’ve solved eighty-nine percent of my cases during my three years as an investigator. How? Because I have an infallible intuition,” he bragged, crushing all of our hopes.

“Infallible, with an eleven percent probability of error,” I muttered, much to the albino lady’s amusement.

“You want some?” the redhead threatened. “What have you got for us, then?”

“I’m still thinking,” I replied.

“Well, think faster, because we only have twenty-two minutes,” said the redhead.

***

The shower was an advanced contraption, consisting of pipes, a nozzle and a disk from which the water flowed. As if that wasn’t impressive enough, Erin was thrilled to note that the water was hot. She’d never showered in hot water before.

After ten minutes enjoying the hotness, she started to feel dizzy. She turned it off and stepped out. As she towelled herself off, she gazed into the mirror. Her skin was red from the heat. She stared at herself with unseeing eyes, curiously caressing her own face, as if discovering it for the first time. She gave a creepy, toothless smile.

***

“Damnit,” said the dwarf. “Nothing.”

He’d just given up on searching the plaques for clues to support his chronology theory.

The redhead sighed. “We’re all out of ideas and those other two are completely useless,” he said, pointing his thumb at the tuxedoed man and I.

I ignored his provocation and glanced up at the clock. “Thirteen minutes,” I murmured. I was beginning to sweat. Surely, this couldn’t be that hard, could it?

“Okay, let’s take a vote,” said the redhead. “Whoever votes door A, raise your hand.”

Both he and the dwarf raised their hands.

“And who votes for door B?”

The albino lady raised her hand.

The redhead scowled at the tuxedoed man and I with genuine contempt. “Even now you’re useless,” he reprimanded.

I closed my eyes. The answer was right there; I just knew it.

Okay, let’s review what we know: we have a standard paradox... neither of these doors can be true… the plaques have no indicators…the room is empty to prevent distractions…

There it was. The idea crashed through my brain like a fallen plane. “Guys, maybe I was wrong. What if the room being so blank is the distraction? What if they want us to think that everything we need is on these plaques, when in reality, there’s more to this room?”

“More?” asked the dwarf, curiously.

“Yes. Specifically, a hidden door,” I explained.

“Impossible. The announcer told us there were two doors,” the albino woman arrogantly reminded me.

“He could have been lying,” the redhead retorted. “Wasn’t that your whole thing?”

“I don’t think he was lying. Maybe one of these doors is a fake,” I suggested.

“What if these are indeed the two doors, but the real passage isn’t a door?” the tuxedoed man suggested. It was the first time he’d spoken since joining our team, so we were all taken by surprise.

“Good thinking,” I affirmed. “Okay, here’s what we’ll do: redhead, albino and tuxedo search every corner of this room for a hidden passage-”

“Don’t call me redhead,” the redhead scowled indignantly. “I am from a proud and noble line of craftsmen. My name is Taul Yorley!” he declared.

“Well, in that case, I’m Kelani Gold,” the albino informed us.

“Are we really doing introductions right now?” I asked, irritated.

“I’m Guam Bristlebeard,” the dwarf said.

“No, you’re not. That’s not a real surname, you dwarf,” Taul interjected. I had to agree.

“I’m not a dwarf, I’m just short! And it’s a name I gave to myself, after I was abandoned in a coal mine by my-”

“We’ll do backstories another time,” I interrupted. “I’m Sato Kugo; last name, first name.”

The tuxedoed man raised his only visible eyebrow. “Kiru Livingstone,” he said.

“Great. Alright, so Taul, Kelani and Kiru search for a hidden passage. The dwarf and I will keep thinking about these plaques,” I ordered.

“The dwarf?” repeated Guam, dejectedly.

I knew we were on the right track, but I couldn’t help but feel nervous, as the minutes ticked by. I looked at the clock. “Three minutes!” I cried. “Has anyone found anything?”

“Damnit! No!” Taul yelled.

“Then check the ceiling. This is a clock tower, isn’t it? Maybe we need to go up,” I frantically guessed.

“And how do we get up there?” asked Kelani.

“Maybe up here?”

We turned to the one who’d just spoken. It was Kiru. He was stood near the entrance. The back of the thick, metal door we’d entered through looked like part of the blank, white wall. “I can feel some things poking out of it,” Kiru continued. “Watch.”

He slowly scaled the wall. He looked like a spider grabbing onto nothing. This empty room had been deceptively lit to remove shadows from the ledges sticking out. To our amazement, he made it to the top and began feeling around. Eventually, he pushed up a circle of ceiling about the diameter of two people. “Could this be it?” he calmly mused.

We roared with joy and scrambled up after him. 

I was the last one in the room. I looked back at the clock. Thirty seconds left.

“We don’t pick either door!” I called out, before rushing up the wall with surprising speed and accuracy.

I closed the trapdoor beneath me with four seconds to spare…