The aftermath

I was shocked beyond comprehension, the violent picture of a furry nightmare with its bristling mane, foaming from its maw with crazy bloodshot eyes, etched ineradicably into my mind. Reeza and Yára fortunately quickly subdued the poor soul that mainly just roared unintelligibly, with just a few words recognizable.

“STOP IT!! DAMMIT!! STOP THIS DAMN SHIT!! STOP IIIT!! CAN’T YOU HEAR?!!”

Lily’s raw wail tore into my heart!

But only when I saw the tears welling up in her eyes, my paralysis loosened. With numb, uncoordinated, unusually clumsy fingers I ended the recording, took my bluetooth box and left the scene without looking back. I couldn't care less about what was happening back there.

Although my limbs could move again, my insides were still numb. Like an automaton I went to my Munchie, crawled inside and closed all doors and windows, shutting everything out. Lying in my hammock I just stared at the ceiling, feeling nothing, not knowing what to think. Only the scene with the berserk gone Lily charging at me, wailing, screaming and roaring, shouting expletives replayed on and on in my brain. I just knew better than trying to push it away. It would just come back and back again and again, incessantly, relentlessly, and I’d be as helpless as right now. I could only cope with it by exposing myself to this image, as much as it hurt. It would otherwise haunt me for who knows how long…

When Yára gently opened the door and asked if she could come in, I still hadn’t moved. She had a sympathetic, gentle aura around her that felt comforting, so I let her in. Long, she just sat next to me and was quiet. Finally she divulged that Lily had calmed down and was sleeping right now.

“I know it doesn’t mean anything to you right now, but I’m so, so sorry!” she added, when I didn’t react. I turned my gaze and looked her in the eyes, these strange bright, almost white orbs that almost looked like that of someone blind. Nevertheless her expression was full of tenderness and sorrow.

“Read my mind.” I said finally.

Her eyes widened in surprise.

“Are you sure?”

I nodded, weakly but affirmative.

“Read my mind.” I repeated.

Yára closed her eyes and her face relaxed. I closed mine too, waiting for the inevitable feeling of being probed, but it never came. Instead the inner loop of the haunting images eased and slowed, relaxed, until they started to become hazy and fuzzy.

When I started to feel sleepy I opened my eyes again and started to fight the cozy influence Yára was inflicting on me.

“Stop it.” I croaked. “I don’t want any therapy right now. I just wanted you to know what I am going through right now.”

She opened her eyes too and the fluffy feeling in my head eased, only for the shocking images crashing back into me like a tidal wave. I groaned and shut my eyes again, this time trying to push them away, of course to no avail!

Yára didn’t say anything, she just gently took my hand and held it in her strange two thumbed one.

I focused on this intimate feeling of the smooth texture of her light, pale skin, sensing her second thumb on the back of my wrist. You know, with two thumbs you hold hands differently than with just one.

Her touch was infinitely soothing and I relaxed into it. At some point I must have fallen asleep, because when I opened my eyes again, I was alone and Yára gone. My shock had eased, the disturbing scene just at a corner of my mind. 

I got up and prepared a meal because I felt hungry.

This time Reeza looked after me and visibly relaxed when she saw I was up and doing better.

“Yára shared with me what she had witnessed.” she whispered. “I’m so sorry! For a deeply sensible soul like yourself that looked really catastrophic!”

I withstood the reflex to shrug.

“What just happened back there?” I asked.

Reeza sighed.

“I think it’s obvious that Lily is burdened by serious injuries and scars.” she divulged. “That music of yours brought her back to better, happier times in her life, before things went grim and dark. I hit her unexpectedly. She couldn’t handle it. It kinda was the opposite of what you experienced before with ‘Lost and gained’.”

I understood that. Kinda!

“Still, that reaction of hers was so …extreme. I seriously feared for my life!”

Reeza sighed again.

“Yes, that came as a surprise to everybody. She always holds herself so well together! It looked to all of us as if she’d gotten over whatever is haunting her. But ‘otherworldly’ music apparently can trigger really unexpected reactions.”

“Guess we have to be careful about what we unveil from our past…”

She just nodded.

“When we are healthy in body and mind, it shouldn’t be a problem. But hidden injuries and scars can cast pretty long shadows over our lives.”

She didn’t need to tell me that!

Lily caught up to me not before the next morning. I had just finished my breakfast, when her big frame loomed over me and my Munchie.

“Can I have a word?” she asked, trying not to sound all too broken. I gestured for her to continue. I still wasn’t ready to talk, but I was willing to listen.

“Not here. Can we go…?” She gestured vaguely toward the tunnel leading to the former storage cave.

I shrugged. Let her tear me apart limb from limb and see if I care! So I followed her paces through the tunnel until we reached the dimly lit ice chamber.

There she turned toward me and fell to her knees, bending deep her head downwards, eyes cast to the floor.

“I’m deeply sorry!” she rasped. “I don’t know what came over me. That never happened! I am ashamed beyond measure! Do with me what you want, I’ll endure anything!”

We remained both silent, motionless. I didn’t know what to do or what to think.

Finally I said: “What should I even do to you? And what should that accomplish?”

“Punish me!” she growled harshly.

I shook my head.

“Again: What should that accomplish? To deepen your trauma? No!”

I sat down on the cold ice next to her. She avoided my gaze.

“But you have to reassure me that something like yesterday never happens again! ‘Cause I did nothing to you and you were on the verge of killing me! Over some of the most beautiful music to ever exist!”

A pain filled groan twisted out of her chest.

“I truly wish I could do that!” she murmured. “But I had absolutely no control over myself. Went totally berserk! Of course I’ll do whatever it takes to prevent that from ever happening again, but I just don’t know how far I can trust myself! In me there is a caged wild animal, and when it breaks loose there is no catching or controlling it.”

“Then help me understand it, so I can provide at least some assistance in avoiding to wake it up again.” I urged. “I have no clue what has happened to you or what your backstory is. I really don’t want to intrude, but I think some explanation is at least to some degree appropriate!”

For the first time Lily looked me in the face, long and intense. Her eyes were still bloodshot, but her expression was now sad beyond comprehension. She studied me, weighing apparently, to what degree she could trust me. She probably also had to overcome a multitude of inner barriers and hurdles, erected over a long time of hardship and mistrust.

But in the end she nodded and said:

“Alright. I will tell you my story, to some degree at least, but I warn you: it's not a very happy story. Also, never relay it to anybody else without my consent! Or else I’ll get really mad!”

Of course I promised and with that Lily started to tell me the story of her life.