The inner light

My mind feels weird.  Nebulous.

So many scattered thoughts, but when I focus on one, they don't seem to actually condense into anything. 

I still cannot grasp why Joy has earned that skill. I keep being useless, are the siblingsthe main characters or something? 

I start writing with a stick on the ground. 

Y

Why is Joy acting so odd? 

We've been making do with one shelter per night since we started traveling. She has been sleeping with us for four nights, but yesterday suddenly she demanded separate quarters. 

Today, she seems to be avoiding me. Did I say something?

Nothing comes to mind. I kinda already miss her eyes … Ahhh. I don't want to think about that.

I should be thinking about why is she able to use the secret tech? It definitely has something to do with how she thinks …

It is very hard to understand her thinking to be frank. Her brain seems to be allergic to structured thinking. I wonder how she even moves, does her nervous system send an inspiring story to her legs instead of an electrical signal?

It might be precisely that which gave her the advantage, though … 

She did talk about something outside logic, to which the old man said it could be even more true … So how is it that she thinks? 

Well, she is a bit of an otaku. Her pattern of though is very geared towards what she reads … I know she likes manga and novels.

 ã

Art.

It has to have something to do with arts. But not any art. 

What artists do I like? 

Anna Sui's originality is fascinating to me … 

Jellyfish's thematic clothes are also done with so much love. 

I have to confess, that I always thought it takes some courage to wear designer's clothes in the wild … I mean, what if something happens …

Okay, truly, everybody would be looking at you. Maybe the fact you know you're fabulous makes up for it, but … I don't know.

I also like it a lot what Joy has done with our clothing … Maybe I should've been the one to make our clothes to be able to get the skills? 

No, that doesn't make any sense. First, I don't love making designs and second, Joy didn't make any new manga, as far as I know.

There is also the fact that recreating art is very explainable, that is not the key.

But it might be a clue … 

It has nothing to do with the art form itself, so art such as the Mona Lisa, that is very technical, and can be appreciated by everybody, and therefore should be at least somewhat describable, is not our answer …

It is something more … Personal.

The easy answer is feelings. But we all felt something that day. I can still feel the despair of the panther's saliva in my neck and it's teeth sinking into my skin.

It is not enough to feel it. We have to … Reach for it? Was that what she said?

p

Poem …

I saw her writing a poem, I am sure of it. Do I have to write a poem then? I can't do that ...

Wait ...

No, we've already established that it has nothing to do with the form. It is not a poem, it is Poetry. 

Anything can be poetry. These letters I've been scribbling on the sand can be poetry. 

I just need to add a great degree of humanity, what is deep down. But nothing logical. I have to feel it.

I need it to connect deeply with the contents of my soul, with how I feel deep down.

What have I been feeling all this time?

I miss my parents and Lily in the real world …

I regret leaving José and Daniel behind …  

I get angry at this games' design …

I am grateful for Biel's presence with me … 

How do I feel about Joy? 

Come on … Those are not the one feeling moving me …

Tsk 

I couldn't move after being attacked by the Jaguar, I avoided the camp, I picked a passive and long range play style … Everything has been due to … fear.

Hell, I went to the International Court due to fear of being useless … 

õ

Oddly enough …

This crippling fear of being useless and not making a difference is what has most made me useless since I got here. 

My survival skills were terribly useful, in hindsight. 

I wasn't wrong, I just didn't face my feelings … I wasn't honest. 

That reminds me of the king of kings, Ozymandias.

w

Wow!

I feel like I'm Joy. Remembering a poem from the other world. 

" […] 'Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'

So that is what this world wants from me? I need to be one with my fear? That is how I get a secret skill? 

I close my eyes and try to clean my mind.

What do I fear? 

Death, of course.

No. What do I fear most? 

Insignificance … Not only to die, but to die without making any difference …

Why do I fear?

e

Ego

I open my eyes, and I am no longer on the forest.

I've been here before. The vastness of nothing, only stars wherever my eyes choose to go. 

I touch the 'ground' with my hands, feels even smoother than the most polished of ceramics. 

I notice my hands aren't there. 

I can still feel them, I can still feel my whole body, but there isn't anything actually there.

I get close to one of the giant doors, it seems to not be functional. 

I don't know how to get back.

Despair once again ravages my mind, the entire plane seems to be shaking and wobbling.

There isn't an actual body to feel my heart rate increasing, but all the memories come to mind.

…

Fear isn't my enemy, it is a tool. 

It tells me the dangers of my way, it tells me what I shouldn't do. 

Everything slowly goes back to their original shapes. I can feel my bones, then my flesh, and finally the warmth of skin and clothing wrapping it up.

Thank you, Fear, you told me that I NEED to go back.

I open my eyes and see my scribbles.

Y ã p õ w e

I erase it. 

I don't need it to last right now.

[Kingdom of kingdoms]

It consumes a skill point for each use … I have to make the best of it.

The air surrounding me doesn't move, light beams right though. 

Biel and Joy seem to be looking for me.

"Did he go without warning us?" Biel says.

I might as well have.

I pass right between them both and continue to the city. 

I currently do not exist.