Humor Me

[Minor Electric Shock]!

“That’s a much better attempt, sweetie.”

I was huffing and puffing, both hands braced on my knees.

It was nearly morning, and Martha and I been training in the wee hours, like we always did. Correction: she was teaching me magic. Apparently, paladin and mage magic were completely separate schools.

That did not deter Martha much from giving me private tutoring anyway. When I protested, she claimed that I’d be a danger to my fellow orphans otherwise. After that White Flame incident the other day, I can’t help but agree.

“Here,” she said, holding my coveted food. “Have a manacake. Gods know we have a surplus now…”

Surplus. Music to my ears. Every bruise, every life-threatening stunt we pulled to get here—it had all been worth it!

“Now get ready,” Martha added. “We’ve got a big day ahead of us~”

\\

It’d been a week since East Gate's regime change, and life at the orphanage had stabilized.

For the first time, every kid was satisfied their meals. Yes, even Piper. She needed a way to maintain her muscles somehow.

The Spirit Room was also tended to by actual healers commissioned by the kingdom. And carpenters tended to the cracks that let the snow, which made the act of making more Moonboxes and practicing our combat prowess much easier.

Overall, life was going pretty good. In the short-term at least.

Well… not for Calilah, judging by the bags under his eyes as he emerged from the keep. Subtle, but my elf eyes caught the difference. Poor guy looked like he hadn’t slept since taking the seat.

I was standing among the crowd as the coronation procession began. We’d walked here right after training.

Of course, the swearing-in of a new duke had to come with a celebration grand enough to match. Elves don’t tend to shuffle seats in royalty for entire human lifetimes. Sometimes multiple.

We were well-rested. The midwinter sun was out, the air less frigid, and people were desperate for a reason to smile. The town had been on edge for so long, they were ready to party on principle alone.

I turned toward a certain Mother who accompanied me here. “Something on your mind, Martha?”

She was quiet for a beat, her gaze fixed the bustling square. “Jubilation like this… it’s nostalgic. Reminds me of my paladin-in-training days.” Then she shot me a side-eye. “Tell me, Endo. How much of my desk did you rifle through?”

I gave a sheepish grin. “Enough to know you are definitely below your deserved station.”

“That’s what the Church said, too. I volunteered. Got laughed at, ridiculed... but someone had to.” She sighed. “Still can’t believe I didn’t piece together the conspiracy sooner. It took someone unfamiliar with our world...”

“It’s understandable. You had a dying orphanage to keep alive.”

Martha shook her head. “No, Cott… Endo. Children died because I didn’t.”

It wasn’t fair. Martha reminded me too much of Mum. The way she carried guilt like it was stitched into her skin.

I reached out, gently holding her hand. “Martha. It’s okay to look on the bright side.”

Martha stared at me like I’d grown a second head. But slowly, her eyes eventually softened. She squeezed my hand back. “Of course.”

“ATTENTION ONE, ATTENTION ALL! Your new duke is about to make an announcement.”

I turned my full attention toward the sound. The voice sounded magically resonant, somehow. Like a school assembly, everyone quieted.

Soon, he appeared from the balcony of his palace, looking razzling and dazzling with shiny jewelry and brand-spanking new attire. He was about two heads shorter than his father, after all.

“Welcome to our Midwinter festival! Thank you for joining me in this jubilant occasion! I am doubtless that some may feel this change to be sudden… perhaps too sudden, and you’d be right to worry. But I want to reassure everyone that this is not a cause to worry.”

Calilah straightened.

“From this day forward, the Phoenix Elves shall not reign. We will cultivate. Tend. Support. I acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land upon which we gather: the Wavholi people, whose descendants still reside with us today.”

Murmurs swept the crowd.

“I understand the responsibility I inherit is vast. I won’t lie to you… it won’t be smooth sailing. We are pressed from all sides: wolves, goblins, and worse. Our coffers are strained. Our patience is frayed. But listen to me: The Crown will endure. East Gate will endure.”

He raised a clenched fist.

“East Gate shall prevail!”

And the crowd roared back:

“East Gate shall prevail!!”

The square erupted into cheers.

Calilah exhaled slowly. He could smile now.

“Now go: feast, shop till you drop, celebrate this Midwinter Festival! Complimentary snacks await you, courtesy of the palace attendants. That will be all. Thank you.”

The fanfare began. The procession came alive.

“By Posteria,” I heard Martha say. “My duke is way too cute…! I just want to coddle and pamper him till he can’t get up!”

Doubtlessly, Martha meant it with utter sincerity.

“He’d really hate that from my talks with him.”

“No doubt. But eventually…” She gave a short maniacal chuckle. “Something’s gotta give…”

I shuddered.

“I’d need someone new to pamper, after all! Soon, you’ll be away from the orphanage, and I will be all on my lonesome.”

“But I’m not going anywhere.”

“You think I’m dull, Cotter? Please. You and Piper’ve been itching to join the Adventurers’ Guild for ages now.”

I winced.

I was about to reassure her that we weren’t nearly ready when—poke poke—something jabbed me in the back.

I turned. Two palace guards stood before me. Humans. Great.

My flinching was understandable. I still had some PTSD from those corrupt guards, okay?

“The Duke is ready to see you now,” one said. Then he turned toward Martha. “Thank you, Mother, for escorting him.”

Mother Martha gave me a look.

I just nodded. “Understood.”

And so, off I went, trailing behind the guards.

\\

The ornate door shut softly behind me.

Calilah stood by the window, robes flowing like liquid silver. He looked more portrait than person… the way his hair was let down, meticulously combed, glinting where the sunlight kissed it.

He must have been overlooking the festivities.

He didn’t need to turn to know that it was me. “Did you know I rehearsed that speech about twenty times?”

“I couldn’t tell. You were really good.”

He crossed to the table by the balcony. He pulled out a chair, his fingers barely brushing the polished wood. “S-Sit.”

“Uh… yeah, sure.” I sat. “I’m curious though… Why just me? Why not Piper or Uriel—”

“What are we?”

I blinked and sputtered. “What… What do you mean?”

“I mean what I mean.” His tone didn’t budge an inch. “You are Crystal. I am Phoenix.”

“So?”

“Tch. Dense as a stone.” His gaze flicked away. “That’s not a casual arrangement, you know. In every story, that combination is a disaster waiting to happen.”

“Oh…” I felt my ears twitch, damn things always gave me away! “Are you… saying we’re in a story right now?”

His lips curled. “I’ve done the numbers... ran them thrice. And every time, I reach the same conclusion: if the Crown doesn’t find a way to generate income by next winter, East Gate won’t exist.”

…

“Oh.”

“It’s worse than I thought too,” he said, massaging his temples. “Now I need that Crystal perspective more than ever. How do we—how do I fix this mess?”

“Can’t you get Piper and Uriel in this too?”

“Come on, you know why.”

“Humor me.”

“Because they are from the Kingdom of Sand? Don’t you find it suspicious they, of all people, have an interest in the goings-on of East Gate?”

“Of course. They live here.”

“Gah!! It’s about optics, Cotter. Optics!”

“Look, you’re looking at me like I haven’t spent all my life in an orphanage. And I’ve been giving you solutions to fix this complex problem.”

“I know.” Calilah’s slender hands smoothed down his face, lingering on his lips in a way that made me… unnecessarily self-conscious. “I just thought… ideas might be genetic or something. Because right now, Cotter, I’ve got nothing. Gods, maybe this nobility business is not all that it’s cracked up to be. If only there was something to take the pressure off…”

Many people would kill to be in your position, Calilah.

He scoffed, graceful even in self-deprecation. “This is stupid. I’m sorry for putting you on the spot. You’re free to go…”

“Calilah,” I said firmly. “If I may.”

He blinked, startled. “Y-you may.” The stammer was real, but he straightened up fast to cover it.

I stood straighter. My heart was pounding, but I couldn’t stop now.

“I do have ideas. Many of them are quite outlandish. I don’t have much evidence that they work beyond the fact that I know they do.” I took a step closer. “All you can do is trust me.”

There was a little beat before he responded.

“Hmph. As expected of a Crystal,” Calilah said. “Show me.”