I

Elanor knew her depression had gotten worse when she couldn't bring herself to stand in the shower and instead sat curled at the bottom of the bathtub. It doesn't help to live in such a cold place like Selfoss, because the temperature on a summer day in Iceland rarely goes over 10 degrees Celsius and only gets colder towards winter. 

She was hoping that moving to her family cottage in a small town near Reykjavik and being able to talk to people no more than once a week (when collecting mail or getting groceries) would help with not feeling fatigue every waking day. That might have worked if she could bring herself to leave the house more often, but it's been months of quick oats, protein bars and instant noodles, and daily battles with basic hygiene and chores. 

Deep breath, focus on one problem at a time. The lack of energy was the worst  at the moment and this therapist was pretty helpful so far.

"I feel like one of those cheap eyeliners that dry up after one second. You sit there with half a wing, shaking it to get some more out. Every day I wake up and feel heavy... I want to cry just thinking that now I will need to get up and walk to the couch where my laptop is," she confessed to her therapist, making an effort to project her voice. 

The risk of having to repeat herself might send her into a proper panic, and she just finished getting out of one a few hours ago when she had to make a work-related phone call.

"I still believe that going on daily walks will greatly improve your overall mood of this new life. You made such big changes to have a better chance of healing, we just need to figure out how to make the last few steps," replied doctor Hauksson in his warm reassuring manner. 

Bright cold light was slipping through the blinds even though it was about 9 PM. White nights will last for another few months and Elanor was grateful for them. Living in this part of the world is full of challenges, but the white nights certainly brought her relief, since the constant pressure she felt in her chest was worse in the dark. Once the season changes, the thoughts of running, moving again across the ocean, moving anywhere will return with fresh force. 

Come on, you've been there before. Depression comes in waves and the main problem is you never know how long you need to stay underwater each time. We only need to find solutions to get through it until it passes...

"This makes sense, but I fail to make it actually happen. Your suggestion about rereading my favourite childhood books was helpful. I spent a few evenings deep into Fae stories and lore instead of scrolling on social media, but I had no energy to even grocery run this week."

The books were messily arranged on the coffee table, after being carefully packed in the attic for the past few years along with her childhood skates and some old postcards. She was digging through one of the boxes after work and the floor was covered with souvenirs from at least a decade ago: 

A bird watching guide and binoculars, a photo album with dried leaves peaking out from in between pages, some Pokemon cards, a purple camping mug with runic design, a couple of mangas and Kinder Surprise dolphin statuettes, half of them missing because they never finished collecting a full set. Elanor looked at the mess with regret, how many weeks will it take to bring herself to put it all away?

"I thought about it and recommend that you get a dog. Some animal companionship could be beneficial."

A dog did not sound too bad, even though Elanor never had one before. She tried to ignore the implications that Dr Hauksson left untold; after all, having a pet is a common way to try preventing a depressed person from doing stupid things. How tactful of him to avoid mentioning the elephant in the room. Every time she does not have her thoughts busy with something she keeps seeing that elephant everywhere she looks. Most of the time it would just stay away from sight if a podcast is on, but nothing distracts Elanor from staring at it at night, staying awake for hours, counting every wrinkle on that sad hopeless face. And if she looks too long into its' eyes, their promises to swallow her and her pain into silence, into nothingness and darkness start seeming very tempting.

"I... will consider it. Thank you, doctor Hauksson," Elanor finally announced, her voice a little more lively than before.

"See you next week, Elanor. We've come such a long way already, take care!"

Alright, that was torturous but productive. 

Elanor ended the call and cried for some time from exhaustion, then spent the rest of the night researching dog care tips and shelters. The decision felt right, comforting, but pins of guilt kept finding their way into her mind as well. How irresponsible was it to get a pet on such a whim? And yet she forgot when was the last time she felt so cheerful. It was selfish of her, but how easy to get drunk on the dopamine of something to look forward to. 

Elanor remembered the time last winter when she began to drain her savings through online shopping because that dopamine hit of expecting a delivery never failed to make her feel a little more alive, but it never lasted long enough. She shivered from these memories and went to the kitchen for a quick snack of yogurt and frozen sea buckthorn. After that she started picking up the mess and didn't notice how she finished tidying the living room way after midnight. 

***

Next morning Elanor woke up with her usual dread and made an effort to get up and set up some coffee on the stove. The smell of coffee was a mix of comfort and anxiety, but some extra energy would be very helpful, since she contacted the SPCA and was offered to drive over to meet a pet for adoption at its foster home. 

She would need to follow Hringvegur, Route 1, also known as the Ring Road to Reykjavik. This picturesque highway goes around the whole country and offers stunning views, especially during summer season. Selfoss is situated on the Olfusa river and unfortunately there is only a single two lane bridge to cross it. During summer, since the bridge is the sole connection to all of the south of Iceland, getting through is no easy feat.

She added two generous teaspoons of ground coffee into a pot with a pinch of salt, a teaspoon of sugar and a cup of water, stirred it together and turned the gas to medium. When she saw coffee starting to bubble on the edges, Elanor poured it into a mug and threw in a small piece of butter.

I feel sorry for anyone who hasn't tried coffee this way, they are missing out on the most creamy aromatic treat, maybe I should post it on social media? It's gotta win me some good karma.

Whether it was because she had the best sleep she had had in a few months or because her thoughts were busy with all the possible arrangements for the arrival of her future companion, the coffee did not cause Elanor any additional anxiety like it often did. It smelled rich and velvety, inviting some needed focus and momentum to this early morning. 

After finishing her coffee, Elanor packed her phone, keys and ID into a backpack, checked the stove in case she forgot to turn off the gas and locked the front door. On the way to her red car she thought about how it was one of her favourite places to be in. It was cozy and reliable, and the red colour gave her hope she would be a bit more visible if ever caught in a snowstorm in the winter. 

She glanced behind before rolling onto the road and noticed how funny it was that the red cottage matched the colour of her car, even though she did not intend on it. It must look so beautiful when the fall comes with rowans and birches turning amber and russet. She must remember to take a picture for her parents. 

Elanor lived outside town, far away from any settlements on the edge of the forest. She drove by the golf courts first and then past the Hellisskogur park before reaching the downtown area, turning North-East to get on the highway and pass on the bridge. She was now facing Ingolfsfjall mountain: wide, flat-topped and steep-sided. This mountain was formed hundreds of thousands of years ago from magma erupting while the top of the volcano is covered with ice and snow, it looked broad and short, like a table set for giants. 

As a kid I imagined that they would come any minute and sit down for a feast. 

Dancy K-pop tunes filled the car and Elanor sent a silent thanks to the universe for having those to get her through last winter. If nothing else, some stunning choreography and catchy beats never failed her yet. 

Maybe I should name my dog Berry?

She left without breakfast on purpose, because why consume plain bran cereal when she can get a fresh, warm from the oven cinnamon roll in the local bakery? That doesn't always sound like the best summer meal, but one good thing about living in a place so consistently cold is that it's always the season for hearty warming meals and rewatching Twilight if you want it to be.

After eating a bunch of soft fluffy cinnamon buns and driving for about an hour, Elanor arrived at the residential address where a family was fostering a lost Samoyed. That was the thing with Iceland: you can find a cat shelter, but there are practically no stray dogs in the country, only lost ones. Elanor parked near the house and walked through the open gates of a low wooden fence. 

The house was large and painted dark green. She could hear dogs barking inside as soon as she approached a dark maroon door with a heavy silver knocker. She lifted it and knocked a few times. Immediately dogs started started barking louder and a curvy blonde woman in a blue turtleneck opened the door.