False Memory

After her self-introduction, Res finally shifted her bright eyes to Zeroc. “I have a question. We haven’t met, right?” She cheerfully asked in the tone of an opener at a party.

Zeroc stopped his advance. “If you surrender, I won’t have to grab you away by force.” All I had was the view of his backside, but he seemed less tense. Res must have interested him.

“Surrender? How do I do that?”

“You come towards us slowly, and let us tie you up with mana handcuffs.”

“Mana handcuffs? Please give me a second.” She flipped through the papers. “Oh… Mana handcuffs.” She reached into the crate next to her.

“Stop what you are doing! Get your hands back out slowly.” Zeroc readied his stance to launch himself at Res.

“Okay. Okay. You don’t have to be so loud.” Res raised her arm in slow motion. She had gotten her hands on a pair of handcuffs glimmering in blue.

“That is even better. Put it on your arms.”

“How do I do that. I only know how to put it on another person’s arms.” She pointed at a chunk of words on her paper, though it was too far away for the writing to be legible.

“Then, drop it and walk to me slowly. Can you do that?” Zeroc’s voice began to display traces of annoyance.

“Give me a second,” Res tossed the handcuff aside and flipped through the pages again. I had a feeling that the question was meant to be rhetorical. Zeroc didn’t give Res time to get her answer. He lunged at her, like he did to the alley thugs.

Unfortunately, his advance fell short. He went down face-first right before Res. Res showed Zeroc the page that she picked out. “Look here. I prepared a knockout drug. Sweet dreams.”

There weren’t any signs of when and how she drugged Zeroc. “Be careful, everyone. The mole must have injected that drug into Zeroc.” That was the most logical explanation I could come up with. None of the soldiers moved or responded to my warning. Were they being cautious? Or was it something else?

I noticed a subtle shift in their expressions. Their serious faces gave way to more neutral looks. Res turned to another page. She read the text and smiled at me. “I’ll show you two the truth.” Packing up her pile of paper, she strolled towards us. The soldiers didn’t stop her or restrain her, not even Kieran, their supposed leader. They stepped aside to let her pass, bowing to her, like subjects to a ruler. My throat tightened as the bitter taste of betrayal lingered on my tongue. It was too late for me to realize this horrible scheme: the soldiers were all on Res’s side.

There wasn’t an escape route for us. When I wasn’t paying attention, the soldiers had covertly surrounded Coyote and me. Res bent her knees to match our eye levels. She said something unexpected, incongruous with the current situation: “What is your understanding of memory?”

“It’s like a record of what we experienced!” I scrambled to give the most natural reply. Of course, that answer was the common and incorrect perception of memory that most of the public had. I’d better not give Res the impression that I was different from the others.

It worked. Res nodded, satisfied. She tapped the bundle of paper. “You and most people in the world think memory is like what was written on paper. That idea is wrong, wrong, wrong. Memory is messy, unreliable. It isn’t sacred at all. It can be changed, very easily. If you don’t believe me, look at the city. Why do you think no one remembers losing their money? They rely too much on their memory.”

She caught her breath, having spoken too many words at once.

“Thank you, Your Grace, for granting us such wisdom. For letting us commit ourselves to creating a better world,” Kieran shouted.

Res glanced at Kieran. “Sorry, who are you again?”

“I am the soldier commander, Kieran. Your most loyal supporter-”

“No problem, but can you not interrupt me? I’m losing track of what I was saying.”

“You were talking about the memory, Your Grace.”

“Yes. That. You see. People think the mind is impenetrable to magic because they are afraid. If magic can influence the mind, what are we? It proves that we can be controlled, changed like water and fire. And even when I taught the mental magic to other people, I realized that the resistance was not just on the surface of the mind. It was interwoven into the fabric of our being. What about children? Can they give up the outdated worldview that our memories are immutable and accurate? That is what the two of you are going to do.”

“We won’t help you hurt people,” Coyote said. She pulled her flat cap over her eyes and clutched my arm while saying it; I could feel that she had assembled all her courage in speaking that single sentence, certainly more courage than what I had, even though it wasn’t the smartest thing to say in this situation. Res kept on smiling. The words had little effect on her.

“It’s the opposite of what you think. We are helping them. We invented a relaxing drug from a flower. With that, people would be free from pain and suffering. Look at this brute here. Doesn’t he look comfortable asleep? With a lower dose, people can stay awake and be happy all the time. We can free people from the illusions, and guide them to peace and calmness.” Her speech was punctuated by sweeping gestures, her deep passion clear for all to see.

Honestly, my mind wavered under the temptation. What if I had taken this drug in my past life? Would I live a better life? There were already people who lived like this back on Earth. They were drug addicts, people who became dependent on substances to escape from their problems, manage their psyche, and feel the tiniest semblance of happiness. My mind found solace in this realization, and I could now calmly consider how to tackle the immediate threat.

One choice I had was to let her preach to me, pretending to accept her grand plan; I had high confidence in my ability to resist cult brainwashing. In the process, I could understand her more deeply, then maybe a psychic link would form, and I could use her thoughts to defeat her and save the city.

There were some risks in this plan. I wasn't certain about the conditions for my psychic ability to activate. I didn't know how she won over the soldiers. She was certainly beautiful, but not enough to start wars. I had to consider magic, which was a wild card in the equation that I knew little about. However, one other factor mattered above all else.

I glimpsed uncertainty clouding Coyote's eyes, her resolve crumbling under Res's persuasive argument. I couldn’t stand the thought of Res winning Coyote over. That was a good enough reason. I grabbed onto Coyote’s shoulder to reassure her, then I stared directly into Res’s eyes. “People who are in that state can’t possibly take care of themselves; they will die.”

“As long as they are painless in the present, isn’t that enough? The past is a story pieced together by the flawed system called memory, and the future is linked to the present with the same flimsy system. The present is the only time frame that we can be sure is real, that we are certain of. And we can also be sure that we don’t like pain; we like pleasure. How can anything you say make sense if it violates absolute truths?” Res snapped back at me without a glance at her notes.

She had a point. It was in our nature to believe the effort and suffering at the moment would build up to a greater reward. Blood, sweat, and tears are often necessary to achieve great goals, but they can’t guarantee it. You can always set your sights too high and end up working for nothing. Sometimes the misery strikes you without provocation. Citizens here had to dwell in the back alleys. Was that because of something they did, some sin they had committed? The ignorant answer would be a resounding yes. That would protect the illusion. The illusion that Res wanted to shatter.

I couldn’t refute her, because I found myself wondering the same sometimes. The four years I spent on my PhD degree, and the many years of struggling before that, ended in a tragic death by a careless driver. There wasn’t meaning to it. At least I couldn’t find any. Even at this moment, part of me wanted to be free, to not be haunted by the past failures in my study or job hunt, to not be bothered by the uncertain future.

My instincts rejected this conclusion, yelling at me to consider the future. To prepare for dangers and avoid death. But what basis did it have to say that? As Res said, my future self would only have faint traces of memory of the present me. I shouldn’t owe anything to him.

“What will happen if we join you?” Coyote’s voice pulled me out of my rumination. Couldn’t contain my surprise, I looked at her. Her resolute blue eyes contrasted with Res’s frivolous ones.

Res consulted her pile of sacred words. Then, she stared at Coyote with suspicion. “Why are you asking me about the future?”

I could feel a subtle tremble from Coyote. The sign of her panic passed quickly, and she yanked her flat cap off her head. Curvy strands of her short brown hair sprouted out from beneath. “You’re right. What I know is all wrong. I even pretended to be a boy to protect myself, because… I’m scared of being a girl living in this dangerous place. Not anymore. Now that I know the future doesn’t matter, I won’t be scared anymore.”

A brief moment of silence. Res appeared to be thinking about Coyote’s words. Coyote could truly be converted by Res, but without so much as a thought of evaluating the risk, I had decided to trust Coyote, and support her ruse. “Why are YOU thinking about the possible future of our betrayal? Don’t you think that at this moment, Coyote is showing you that she believes you?” I adopted Res’s logic against her.

“You have a point,” Res said with a shrug. “However, I don’t want to trust you.”

I pouted and poked my cheek, throwing away my self-respect for a shot at appearing cute. A ten-year-old boy should still have an element of innocence that some people might find cute. That desperate justification crossed my mind because I had no idea why I chose this strategy, and since the die was cast, I had to commit to it.

“What about now? How can you say no to this face?” I said. Coyote matched my pose with her own. Her head leaned on my shoulder. We must have looked like siblings now. Please, don’t let my humiliation be for nothing. Once again, I silently prayed to every deity I knew.

“Maybe.” Res didn’t seem entirely convinced. “I’ll believe in you for now. So tell me more about yourselves.” Why would I tell a complete stranger about myself? I already had enough job interviews in my past life.

“Excuse me, why? I want my privacy.” I said. A whiny excuse, but beggars can’t be choosers. Our personal information might let her convert us into loyal followers, as she did with the soldiers.

“Privacy? I don’t know that word, but tell me your life story.”

“You said that the past doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t. I’m not asking about your past. I’m asking about what you remember about your past. However inaccurate and phony it is.”

When I was racking my brain for a way to dodge her demand, Coyote already spoke up: “Let us grab our stuff from our house first. I want to move in right now. After that, we can talk as much as you like.” How would that possibly help? But I kept my mouth shut. Because Coyote took hold of my hand, and the warmth from her touch felt like a tacit request for me to trust her.