Interlude - Alice

Lately, I’ve been waiting.

Growing up, I’d regularly feel like something was missing.

I would eat, even though I wasn’t hungry.

I’d dream of riches, even though I didn’t want to buy anything.

I’d compare myself to people I didn’t even want to be.

As the years went by, the feeling went from periodic to persistent. I’d often think: surely this can’t be all there is to it… right?

It got so bad, eventually I’d refuse to go to bed. Turning in for the night felt like conceding another uneventful day, and I hated losing. Still do.

Frustratingly enough, no one one seems to understand where I’m coming from. They tell me “Boredom is good, because it lets you be creative!” Nonsense. Worse yet, their solutions never apply to me. “Go to the gym! Get a boyfriend! Join a club!”

So, I did as they said. At twelve, I began working out. I stuck with it for a good five years, but by the end, I found I was dragging myself to the gym. In high school, I got a boyfriend. He was decent looking and pretty smart, I guess, but he was also so boring. All he ever spoke about was school, pointless gossip and pop culture. As for a club, well... I joined several. Fencing, chess, football. They weren't bad, but they also weren't good. Nothing made me want to get out of bed in the morning.

The only way something can matter, is if it needs to be done. However, when you’ve given up so hard that even your own life doesn’t matter… well, nothing matters.

And so, I’ve been waiting.

When will my notebook of death fall from the sky? When will an alien parasite burrow into my arm?

I know what you’ll say-- what they all say: “you’re young, you’ll figure it out.”

What they also don’t understand, is that I am old. Okay, please bear with me, because this is going to sound ridiculous: I determine what should happen to me and when, by comparing myself to my favourite fictional characters. Every birthday, I think childish things, like I still have two years before I’m their age. That’s a long time; something’s bound to happen!

I made it to university without anything ever happening.

I’m scared. Maybe I’m waiting for something that’s never coming…

These were the thoughts that plagued me on my walk home from university. I was studying a major I wasn’t interested in, and I would interact with people I didn’t care about. My emptiness was reflected perfectly by the dark, freezing December night. It was soon Christmas. Hooray. Originally a holiday I’d get excited for as early as August, I’d stopped caring about it years ago. As with everything, it had grown stale.

I was turning 20 tomorrow, marking the end of a chapter in life where anything seemed possible. Turns out, whether anything was possible or not, I had done nothing. There were people my age who were already famous idols, political leaders or rich online influencers. I felt like a failure.

You know what, Alice? Instead of pitying yourself, you are going to do something about your situation! A soon as you get home, you'll plan your future. You have the brains and beauty to make it far in life, so go for it, I thought, trying to amp myself up. Unfortunately, I knew I was lying. I'd been telling myself such things for years and nothing had come of it.

How long is this light?

I spammed the button on the stoplight. I exhaled from my mouth. My breath froze into a thin whisp of vapour. One thing that never grew old, was pretending I was smoking when it was freezing outside. The streets were empty. That always made me nervous.

The light turned green. I began to cross the road.

Suddenly: headlights.

A truck’s horn.

Darkness.