What if?

Yuji couldn’t sleep that night, nor could he the following night, or the one after that. An entire week passed as he was adjusting himself to Till’s duties and during that time sleep became more a tormenter than restful. His conversation with the three knights under his command contorting and bending in his mind, creating questions without answers. The haunting idea that he and Till were not all that different, that the two of them were one in the same person became a never-ending circulating thought.

In his life Yuji would avoid confrontation, he hated it. It made him sick to hear raised voices and he shied away from physical fights. Even when he was a child if someone tried to provoke him, he couldn’t get himself to commit to it. When he grew into adulthood his penchant for avoiding stressful situations led to him accepting the invitation to the hike that was inevitably the death of him. He just hadn’t wanted to hurt her feelings. If only he had known at the time her reasons for inviting him he might have chosen something different… or possibly not.

Lord Till, on the other hand. Displayed passivity through accepting the twisting and turning plot of his overdramatic life, convincing himself he could turn things around if he just did this or that, or played it out this way. But Yuji’s entry into this world told a different story. Till eventually perished at the hands of his family and his lack of fighting the tide led to his being just as culpable in his own downfall as the margrave and his brothers. What was worse, after the conversation with Sirs’ Reginalt, Euric, and Hildebald, was his many attempts to hamper his family while going along with their plans had led to countless deaths and ultimately to their distrust.

If the swap hadn’t taken place, they both would have been consigned to deaths partly caused by their own actions and stupidity.

“You seem preoccupied.” Mirk sat beside Yuji.

He had missed the blooming of the cherry blossoms in the courtyard near his room. It was all green leaves now, not a bloom on the ground to remind of what had been. Despite that, the image of the petals he had seen on the mountain, as suffocation and blood loss were competing for which would kill him first, returned as if only closing his eyes for a moment was enough to bring them back into reality however intangibly.

“Yeah, well there’s a lot to think about.”

“Are you concerned you will not be able to return to your home?”

“That is one of many concerns, but probably the most nagging of all of them.”

In fact, it had become the obsessively largest concern out of them all. It was beyond just missing his family or the burden of being replaced and wanting them to both notice and not notice that he was gone. It was whether or not he could continue to pretend for the rest of his life that he was Lord Till Bastion and whether or not he should. Where did his life begin and Lord Till’s end? And what would he do if he invested all his hopes into going back and in the end, it was impossible for one reason or another?

He wanted to see them. He would give anything to be with them again, but if he was stuck here wouldn’t they want him to live? Wouldn’t it be wrong for him not to own the life he had?

“You may pet me.” Mirk’s posture was very straight and his aura an airy white.

“What?”

“You may pet me if you like.”

“Why?”

“If you don’t wish to then don’t. I will not explain my reasons for my offer. You should feel honored that I would extend such a…”

Yuji stroked the top of Mirk’s head with his fingertips. The mongoose’s coat was surprisingly dense and stiff, but the sensation was nice.

“Thank you.”

Mirk glanced at him inquisitively. “You are most welcome. You have done well and so you deserve a reward.”

“It’s not just that,” Yuji smiled at the creature, “Thank you for teaching me, and for staying by my side even though you could have abandoned me, and now, for comforting me.”

“Don’t you two look lovely.”

Yuji retracted his hand at the sound of Lady Dagney’s voice. He only had the privilege of seeing her a hand full of times since their original meeting and every time they met, he liked her less. A spot in his chest burned at her intruding on them, as if it weren’t her place to do so. He disliked her even more for noticing a portion of his distain and taking it upon herself to come that much closer.

“I’ve heard you’ve been doing a lot of studying of late.”

What did she come to me for, a book recommendation?

Yuji stood so he would steal her ability to sit beside him under the tree.

“You jump like a rabbit. You would never know you were horribly injured only a short while ago.” A smile like honey. Her words were the same as they had been before, just as alluring. She could scream profanities and make it sound affectionate.

She was a Jezebel, or rather a Delilah. Pretending to love him while working in the interest of someone else. Using her femininity to charm Samson only to cut his hair, take the last of his power, and throw him into the hands of his enemies. He wondered how it would feel if she got one over on him and yelled, ‘the Philistines are upon you,’ it was an imaginary scenario he wanted to avoid at all costs.

“I heard you were leaving soon.” The cold tone of voice he detested using seemed suddenly easy and almost enjoyable.

“Yes, I am afraid I must return to my father’s house for the time being. When I return next it will not be until our wedding day.”

What if he couldn’t get back? What if this was the life he was stuck with? The thought circled in his mind again as he watched her. The wave of emotions invading into every part of him sent prickles across his skin and jitters throughout his gut and chest.

“It has so upset me that we have not had much time in each other’s company, and that we never revisited the intimacy of that day in your bedchamber.” There was something suggestive in her expression. “You know I so regretted that we couldn’t take better advantage of that moment. I lied a bit that day you know, when I said I would say that you were still resting and not to worry. I’m afraid I said that because I wanted you to rely on me.”

Did he want to always passively move like water? Accept things as they were and be dictated to like he always did. Or maybe, like Lord Till, try and go along with the show and hope to subvert the predetermined ending? What to do? Yuji was so confused.

“Lord Till.” Lady Dagney stopped very near him, her beauty radiating from her, the shape and moisture of her lips daring him to kiss them. Her eyes saying words no human mouth could convey. “It might come as a shock to you, but I was always pleased that you were chosen for me. Lord Halius cares too much for himself, and Lord Dain is trapped in a vision of securing the margrave’s position. But you have always just sought for another. A matching soul in a dark world.”

Mirk gave an annoyed sound when she touched Yuji’s chest, her fingers fluid against the rough silk. “This may very well be our last meeting for a long while, and I don’t want to lose it in hesitation.”

“Yuji you must…”

Yuji raised his hand silencing Mirk’s protest, his eyes focused on Lady Dagney who was with every word closing the gap between them.

What if this is all that’s left to me? What if this ‘is’ my life?

A smile, sharp and sardonic slid across his lips as he ingested her words. She stopped, a breath away searching for an answer to his sudden change of expression without finding it.

“Is this how you spoke to him?”

“Sorry?”

He removed her hand, dusting off the spot on his chest where it had been. On the slope that day, on that fateful hike, he had promised himself he would no longer live life passively. He wouldn’t allow himself to be used or misled. He would start being an active player and not just an NPC that was easily tossed to-and-fro and forgotten when the game was turned off. There was no avoiding anger, fighting, strife, or upsetting others. Not anymore.

“Never mind, you wouldn’t understand. My lady, or rather Lady Dagney, I think it would be unfair to you for me to continue to allow you to mislead yourself. I am not, nor have I ever been, interested in you in any physical way. That is not to say you’re not beautiful, your just not my type.”

Mirk’s aura became erratic, Yuji ignored it.

“Your type, what do you mean? Our engagement has been set since we were children. Even when we came of age you never protested, you acquiesced. You were the one…”

“Yes, yes, I know the story. I know all the stories.” In a simple gesture he waved her words away like flies.

I don’t want to be used anymore.

“But things have changed since my coming of age. I’m no longer a seventeen-year-old child trying to play games for approval.”

And at times to avoid being used you have to be willing to take a stand.

“After my near-death experience I’ve had time to think and consider things from a different perspective. I realize now and appreciate that the decisions I make do not just affect my life, but others as well. And in consideration and respect for those beneath me I refuse to maintain my position as a pawn on the chess board, to be moved around at the will of the players.”

This might be my life now.

“I give you permission to relate this to Lord Dain and to Sarkis of course,” an image of the man who smiled at him from beside the margravine played through his mind, “As for our engagement, I will find a way to extract myself from it, as I neither wish to maintain it for political or romantic reasons. I’m sure you will be grateful for that. It must have been hard for you all these years trying to seduce me. Your behavior today assures me you thought you were close, which must make this rejection that much more difficult for you. All that hard work wasted.”

Her hand stung the side of his face and unlike her kiss it left a meaningful impression.

So, I’m going to live it. I’m not going to simply follow the prearranged choreography.

“Feel better?”

A gaze like a thousand hornets seethed in her eyes. “How dare you. How dare you threaten to break our engagement as if it is a trivial matter. Do you imagine that you can part ways from me so easily? I won’t allow it, and neither will my father or the margrave.”

“Lady Dagney, do you honestly think I would attempt to break our engagement if I didn’t have something that would give me a favorable advantage in easily doing so. Considering our previous relationship, I take the suggestion as a personal insult. I had no intention to release the information I had gathered, not wishing to besmirch your name and make things more difficult for you in the future. However, now I’m not so sure. I recommend you consider carefully whether it wouldn’t be in your favor to have your family retract the engagement as opposed to pushing things along. I don’t imagine the Marquees of Illus would be very pleased to have his family business shared, especially not when it concerns his only daughter. Also, I would work quickly. Oh wait, I have the perfect way of expressing the urgency you should do so with, I want our engagement broken yesterday.”

I’m done. I’m going to do what I wanted to do with my own life and that’s take control. And if we switch back he can deal with the consequences of my decision as I have had to deal with his.

Yuji refused to have his calm shaken and when she perceived herself unable to win against him, her flush blanched and her gaze dulled. Without another word she turned away and left the courtyard.

“What have you done.” Mirk chastised when they were alone, his hair on end, aura vesiculating.

“Mirk, Lord Till might not come back.”

“What nonsense to use this as your defense for this brash outburst. My master has been working years to get as close to Lady Dagney as possible…”

“Mirk, we have to face the fact that even if we make it to the capital to ask about the netsuke, ornament, or whatever it is, we could find out that I might not be able to leave here and Till, your Lord Till, might not be able to come back.”

The mongoose grew still, his aura faltering.

“Mirk, if he got my life, I would want him to treat my family well and enjoy it. And if I have his, and I can’t get mine back, I deserve to live it. I can’t keep pretending forever to be a poor copy of your master, to keep going as someone I’m not and someone I don’t want to be. I can only be myself. You’ve been a good friend to me since I arrived here, and so I want to be a good friend to you and the only way I can do that is to live honestly as myself.”

Mirk’s tail shifted, ears flicking. In a burst of energy he leapt across the tree roots, through the grass disappearing into the hall that lined the courtyard. Yuji stared after him. His victory stolen in a single moment.

I’m sorry… I’m really sorry…