My Personal Hell

Jim, Kenny, and Maggie had arrived while we were out. Courtney and Skye were on their way—for some reason they were bringing Julia. What the hell.

“What’s the plan tonight?” Jim asked.

“We’re just going to hang out,” Scott said—not really joking.

“Hey, it’s going to be fun. Especially when we open for bands whose fans will hate us,” Kenny paused. “Those shows are going to be lit. I hope I get domed with a beer bottle. I love crowd interaction.”

Maggie was the only one who laughed.

“I got my Les Paul modded last week with new pick ups and pegs for this. I also finally bought another electric in case I need it,” I said.

“Oh, what did you get?” Kenny asked.

“I scored a black Firebird. It’s going to sound sick for songs like Little Lies and Daddy’s Drunk that could benefit from a more articulate low end.”

“Yo, that’s sick,” Jim added. “I can imagine the dollar store Brian Jones sound you’re gonna get with that.”

It was nice that we still enjoyed talking about music.

The conversation turned when the girls walked in. Julia looked sheepish, already rehearsing her apology.

“Thank you for welcoming me back. I’m sorry about that picture, Kenny,” Julia said as soon as she was near us.

“It’s all good on my end, but apologize to Maggie too.”

Julia turned to Maggie and grabbed her hands, bowing her head, “I apologize for any trouble I caused you…if you ever need anything just let me know.”

“It’s all good Julia… No one really knew who I was anyway.”

Our eyes met next.

“Sorry about… leaving you behind in Lowell that day,” I said, preparing for the worst.

“It’s not your fault. I was being a brat… Skye and I already worked that out between us.”

That didn’t make me feel any better.

Skye stepped forward, but Courtney caught her by the arm. Her grip was subtle, but firm enough to make Skye pause. Something passed between them. I didn’t want to know what.

“It’s good to see all of you guys in good spirits. I’m ready to see New York with you,” Courtney said, her gaze settling on Skye before she released her grip.

Whatever passed between them—it wasn’t good. And it wasn’t going to stay hidden.

“Yeah, having you there will help keep us a little more grounded,” Kenny said.

“When Kenny told me that you would be their chaperone until the summer I was relieved,” Maggie said.

“I’m looking forward to working with Doug White too. Maybe I’ll be able to become a tour manager after high school,” Courtney’s voice was wistful like she was manifesting a new dream for herself.

“I never knew you were interested in something like that,” Scott said.

Courtney wrapped her arm around Skye while showing a devious grin.

“I mean, I’ve been around you guys my whole life. I was planning on going to school for business management, but if I could break into the music scene… maybe that’s my play.”

We settled into the house and fractured into micro groups as usual.

This time I ended up with Julia, Courtney, and Kenny—Skye was with Scott and Maggie.

“Okay, I’m sorry Julia, but I need to know—Courtney, what is going on between you and Skye?”

“We’ve had a chance to get to know each other better since you guys signed your deal. It isn’t much more than that.”

Bullshit. She knew I wasn’t buying it. Her eyes rolled.

“I’ve just made it clear that if she wants to keep up our arrangement, it’s going to be on my terms.”

“What does that even mean?”

I completely blocked out that Kenny and Julia were with us.

“Wes, if EoT’s going to survive, you need to get your shit together. I’m making sure you don’t spiral again.”

“Yeah… she’s kind of right, Wes. I know you knew you were a mess last month, but we were all worried about you,” Kenny said. “You and Skye are fine together, but your penchant for self destruction needs a pulse check.”

Was this a Goddamn intervention?

“It can’t be that bad,” I said, trying to defend myself.

“Wes, you started texting me—your ex—to emotionally ground yourself,” Julia added, shrinking into herself.

That one landed.

“None of us are saying that you did anything wrong. This isn’t judgement. We just want to make sure you and EoT start on the right foot,” Courtney said.

“Thanks, I need a minute.”

I stepped out of the room.

Who did they think they were, trying to control me? We wouldn’t even have a record deal if it wasn’t for me.

I found Skye in the other room.

“Hey, do you want to get out of here for a bit?” I asked.

Scott and Maggie were alarmed by my tone. I didn’t realize how strong I was coming on.

“Yeah, sure.”

We stepped out. Scott tried to say something, but we were gone before I could hear what he was trying to say.

I was losing my mind.

“Skye… what is going on?” I asked, almost yelling at her.

“Wes. Calm down, I’ll explain whatever I can, but you need to relax first.”

She wanted me to calm down? To relax? After everything?

Why was I the one who had to calm down just so she could talk? Everyone had already made up their minds about me. Decided who I was. Without asking. How dare they expect me to be calm. They were all guilty—I was fine—I mean I wasn’t fine—but I was doing better than I was before.

“Skye, I was calm until I saw all of you—” I was lashing out. “Why does everything between us have to always hurt me so much?” I screamed at her.

Scott had followed us outside the house.

“Wes, calm down,” he yelled across the lawn.

“Fuck you!” I yelled.

I wasn’t going to let the junkie talk down to me.

“Fuck the whole lot of you… Why? I got us a record deal, and now everyone’s trying to tell me what to do,” I yelled, grabbing Skye’s arm way too tightly. “Why am I always the problem? I’m fucking sorry I’m not old, reliable Caleb!”

He punched me.

I was on the ground. He wasn’t letting up.

Scott’s knee smashed into my ribs. My vision went white. I didn’t feel the fists—just the weight, the heat, the humiliation.

“Wes, shut the fuck up,” he yelled through the flurry of blows. “Just stop talking.”

His voice had love behind the anger, but there was no love in the violence.

Before I knew it Kenny and Jim had pulled him off me. Kenny had his knee on his throat.

“Scott, he was out of line! But this is NOT OKAY!” I heard Kenny roaring in the background.

I caught a glimpse of Jim pulling Skye back, shielding her. Or maybe she was the one holding him. I couldn’t tell—everything was spinning. My vision blurred. My ribs throbbed. My nose was definitely broken. And beneath the pain, that old hunger pulsed—louder than fear, louder than shame.

***

By midnight, things had finally calmed down. I was half-surprised the cops hadn’t shown.

I was lying in Courtney’s bed when I finally came to my senses. Kenny, Courtney, and Skye were scattered around the room.

“Yo, what happened?” I asked.

“Well, you had a meltdown… and Scott had a meltdown,” Kenny said. “Everyone said some awful shit. It got ugly, fast.”

There was a brief silence. What was I supposed to say?

“I—I don’t know… what do you guys want me to say?”

“Wes, everyone’s worried about you. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. We just want you to remember to breathe,” Kenny answered. “I know how hard all of this is for you… I know what you’re carrying. And I know these two”—he nodded at Skye and Courtney—“are trying to help. Just not very well right now.”

“Once we hit the stage next weekend, you’re going to be the best version of yourself again… just trust us until then.”

If anyone other than Kenny said that I would’ve lost it again, but he was always real with me.

I stood up, wobbling a bit. My gaze met Skye’s—I started to cry.

“Skye… if this was the last straw, I’d get it. What I did tonight—I don’t deserve a way back from that,” my voice was cracking. “You didn’t deserve to be my target. That’s on me.”

I needed to be held accountable for that. I didn’t regret anything else, but that was a line I never wanted to cross.

She approached me, grabbing my hands, placing her head against my chest.

“Wes… I just want you to listen,” she said quietly. “Kenny, Courtney, pretend you didn’t hear any of this.”

“I still love you. I just need us to be honest with each other—we have so much that works between us, but we keep failing to make the pieces fit… I love it when we’re vulnerable with each other…”

This felt like the end. Maybe it had to be.

“You crossed a line tonight, sure, but it’s not like I haven’t. That night in the garage… this makes us even for that. Wes, I’m just a stupid girl who’s in love with a stupid boy. I act tough and scheming. I do awful things to my friends. But I’m just as fragile as anyone else… I love you and I want to make this work if you do.”

Why was she forgiving me? Why did it take this kind of collapse to hear the truth?

I couldn’t stop crying. I wrapped my arms around her.

I had the whole world to worry about, but all I cared about right now was us.

“I love you, Skye.”

Courtney and Kenny stayed quiet through our moment. Kenny was happy that we were being our honest selves, maybe even healing. Courtney didn’t move. She just watched us—expressionless, detached. Like none of it mattered.