Vancouver II

“Basically,” I ended up telling Priya, “fantasy shit’s real.”

I spilled out the whole story, though not in full detail. She took it fairly well, if with a lack of tact. I didn’t expect sensitivity from her, in any case. And for believing it, she had proof—the three strange teenagers who’d showed up in the hospital.

“Just don’t put yourself in danger again,” she made me promise.

With the healing runes, I was able to heal my own leg, and we checked out of the hospital. I paid almost nothing for myself and a fortune for Jayla, who I convinced the medical staff not to ask questions about.

Sai-ee held a tall plastic cup of boba between his knees and silently sipped on it. He was moody and uncooperative as always, but had a quiet interest in modern things.

“This is the worst coffee I’ve ever had,” Lil declared.

“Lil, you’re from the coffee capital of the world,” Jayla said dryly. “Your expectations are too high.”

“Vancouver is actually pretty known for its coffee scene.” I tried to defend my home.

“How do they get coffee?” Lil peered up at the sky, which was overcast and radiated cold. “It’s so far south here.”

“North,” I corrected. “And we have advanced shipping and transportation.”

“I get why you were always too hot now,” Jayla said. “It’s pretty cold here.”

“Yep. Global warming’s making it warmer, though.”

“What is…”

“Ugh. The world’s going to hell, basically.”

“And what’s ‘hell’?” Jayla said, half-laughing. “You and I never had so many cultural differences back home.”

“Now you all know what’s up, so why hide it?”

“...No, I don’t know what’s up,” Jayla said. “You still haven’t explained everything.”

Oh. Yeah, I hadn’t.

I opened my computer up to Scrivener. “This is a machine that can do basically anything.” (The computer, not Scrivener). “Right now, I’m writing a book on it. I’m an author.”

“Okay…”

“Once, I wrote this book about this fictional place called Ry’keth. Ry’keth became an empire about a hundred years ago, due to the decision of their most powerful ruler, Emperor Kol—who also found and imprisoned a magician and used magic to make himself long-lived. Under Kol, they invaded the countries to the south, including Asania, and to the north up to the mountains. When their magician died, they went on a hunt for another one and eventually found you, Sai-ee, another character I created.”

Jayla’s brows were furrowed, her expression intent. She seemed to be taking everything in piece by piece as I explained it. Lil was attentive but confused, while Sai-ee startled into attention when I said his name.

“Later, in Asania, they went after a group of fugitives, mostly escaped slaves or people criminalized for small offenses, and killed them all except one. Casselian.”

Jayla pressed her hands to her mouth. “You…wrote that?”

I nodded shortly and continued.

“They took him prisoner. He never escaped. Meanwhile, a girl named Lil started working with the United Liberators of Ky’anth, a rebel organization that my protagonist, Ky’sy’ana, was part of. She was Sai-ee’s personal maid. Ky’cina, Ky’sy’ana’s mother and a rebel leader, convinced her to kill Sai-ee so that the Ry’keth empire would be depowered. She did.”

Sai-ee moved away from Lil, coming to sit next to me.

“No,” Lil said. “I wouldn’t. Why would you make me do something like that?”

“You would. You did. I didn’t know—when I came to your world, I tried right away to start fixing the things I did! I only let it happen because I didn’t know it was real. That’s why I’m trying to fix it now, by rewriting…”

“Shut up.” Jayla’s voice was tense and edged with tears. She went into my bedroom and shut the door.

I buried my head in my hands. This was why I hadn’t told her. Her reaction wasn’t that bad, but wasn’t that because she was kind?

“I don’t totally get it,” Lil said.

“Same,” Sai-ee agreed.

“...Just know that I’m a horrible person, okay?”

I stood, taking my laptop with me.

“Where are you going?”

“The library. I’ll see you later.”

I drove a few minutes down to the Renfrew Library, almost getting hit by a couple cars on the way. Driving in this city always sucked, but it was my mental state more than anything causing that. I was tense, inattentive. I had to get back to writing.

I curled up in one of the chairs and resumed typing chapter 2. Everyone kept living their happy lives; Jayla was going to graduate trade school, while Sai-ee was studying magic. What was Lil going to do for a living? Maybe she’d work in some industry that involved looking after people. No, she was too fiery for that. Something proactive…but no, she liked looking after people.

Doctor. I’d go with doctor.

Anyway, I wasn’t on that yet.

Words trickled letter by letter out of my fingers. I was getting a headache again. I sat there for over an hour and wrote only 50 words.

When I wrote word 51, inexplicable grief came over me. It was the same as I’d felt after Jayla died.

I looked up and saw an odd fluctuation in the air. A hole, but on the other side, it showed the same library.

What the…

I erased the words I had written, and it went away.

This was playing with fire, and yet, I had to do it. I ran my hands through my hair, dragging strands out of my ponytail.

It must have been the Chapter 1 Jayla, Sai-ee, and Lil who had come to see me. That helped explain why they were all together. But by the time they arrived, they’d been the versions of themselves I knew. So, the reality hadn’t taken?

If I felt like she was dead suddenly, that meant my good universe was breaking down further, and I had to work harder.

Either that, or I was killing her.

I kept writing anyway.

Shit. This was draining my energy and health out. I was going to throw up again.

I stumbled to the bathroom, vomited, then went back to the chair, wrote one word, and immediately passed out.

I only woke up when a clawed hand tapped on my shoulder.

Jayla was wearing one of my hoodies pulled over her face, jeans and sneakers, and a big straw hat to hide her ears. She looked like she’d be pulled aside for violating the high school dress code.

I stared in sleepy disbelief. “H…how’d you get here?”

“Walked. Are you okay?”

“Why’d you walk…don’t walk, that’s dangerous, there’s death machines around…”

“You’re looking out for me again.” She sat down across from me. “You didn’t know.”

“Yeah.”

“I got a memory back from the other timeline. Everything was like—” She spread her hands wide. “Breaking apart.”

“Huh.”

“Did you know, I don’t believe in God?”

“No, I didn’t know.”

“Hm. That’s actually further proof!”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t know everything.”

“The blanks just got filled in.”

“No. I mean. I’ve never been able to believe in God, at least since I was young. The Asan God, you know. The commander of all the other gods. I couldn’t believe there was one being that could control everything, and would make decisions to hurt so many people.”

“...”

“You’re trying to fix things again, right?”

I nodded.

“I don’t think there’s one being that can control everything. Like—you come up with this magic, then it becomes real? That doesn’t make sense.” She spoke in a rush, all pushy conviction. “So I don’t know if you can fix it—I don’t know if you should try.”

“But—what about Casselian? I could bring him back.”

“Just stop talking!”

The librarian glared at us.

Jayla made herself relax, a line of tension from her fists to her shoulders fading away. “I want to solve the problem.”

“I’ll solve the problem.”

“You were passed out. That’s not solving it.”

“I don’t understand why it’s taking so much energy.”

“Because we already exist,” Jayla said. “Hey. You already saved so many people, you know?”

…I did?

“Two-thirds of my family.”

That wasn’t enough. I’d doomed the other one-third.

“I don’t want to see you miserable. Or dead.” Jayla’s head was bowed, eyes focused on the carpet. “You’re the most important person I have left.”

…She was mine too, of course.

There’s not a god, and you can’t change fate. That was what Jayla had forced herself to believe, because of just how awful her fate was. She was not objectively correct.

Was I a monster, for not arguing with her?

Choked by guilt, looking forward to a future of dying at my computer keyboard, I decided to pretend I was innocent. I was only human, after all.