Memories

I was always a coward. I hid from the dark window at night, ran from the bullies that hunted me, and abandoned friends who talked down to me. I barely left the house, afraid of the ‘what-ifs’ that invaded my mind each time I looked outside.

When I was 10, I finally got my hands on my own personal computer. It didn’t take long for me to get sucked in. When I wasn’t at school or dragged along by my mother’s antics, I let the day pass by while I sat at my desk, becoming fixated on the worlds behind the screen.

When I was 15, my father gave me a copy of ‘Under Heaven’. I became hooked. Never before had I imagined that there would be a game as captivating, as enjoyable. I tried every character class, followed every route, fought every enemy, experienced every ending, and even romanced every eligible bachelor.

Over time, I found myself dreading the world outside my room. I couldn’t help but become entranced by the pure happiness and gratification that came with endless hours of gaming.

By the time I turned 18, I had been reduced to a shut-in. I tried a few times to fix myself, to find an outlet for socialization and become a ‘contributing member of society,’ as my mother wanted. I never lasted more than a week. Every small mistake felt like a dishonorable failure.

When that email came through, everything else seemed so silly. I thought, ‘Why did I try so hard for nothing, when there’s another world where I can be who I’ve always wanted to be?’ I suppose it serves me right, ending up where I am now.

~

In the end, there was nothing in my memories that satisfied me. All I have are regrets. Mom… I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted.

Her strained voice echoed in my mind, calling for action. I remembered those pained eyes that searched for something worthy within me each time I ran away from the world and back into my computer’s cold embrace.

I can never go back—say and do the things I failed to do then. I might not be able to face reality head-on anymore, but I can at least face the one real thing left.

I opened my watery eyes and returned to ‘reality.’ The princess watched me silently, a semblance of some emotion now visible within her eyes.

“I remember now,” I sighed, “… I’m nobody. I’m sorry… if you were expecting more.”

I wiped away the tears that were now drying beneath my eyes. I spoke with a light tone, mocking my own disappointing existence. I hated myself for letting Finley’s fate be held in my own hands.

“Who you were is not as important as what you do now. Sometimes we fall as we learn to walk again.”

Astraia walked up to me, her eyes reflecting an unwavering resolve. I felt a strong sense of discontent as she approached.

Of course. In a world like this, even those younger than me are still braver and wiser.

“I apologize. I know what I said, but I cannot wait for you to regain your sense of self. I need you to be ready for action.”

My face contorted in confusion as the girl— who I now realized looked no older than a preteen— held out her left hand and opened her palm. Within her small, pale hand was a dented locket with a thin chain.

“What do you want from me?”

I stared at the faintly shining object, and she lifted it slightly. I gently picked it up and turned it over in my hands. The dent appeared to be forcing the locket shut, and I tried to pry it open.

“I need you to wear it. A powerful enemy is approaching on Eris’s orders, and that locket is the only thing that might stun his mind. I can no longer make him waver…”

“Who—“

“We cannot stay here any longer. I promise to answer your questions, but only after we are safe from this void.”

The girl stepped past me and disappeared as if stepping through an invisible door. I prepared to follow her before turning back to look at A.T. one last time.

“Hey. Isn’t there anything else you can do? Maybe you could give me developer rights, make me as capable as Eris.”

I gestured to myself, and the orb flickered.

“No. Eris has already removed many of my functions. There is only one thing left that I may do for you, if you approve it.”

“Gah, look: I just want to get my body back and make everything in Solagard right again. So if you’ve got something useful, spit it out.”

I gestured angrily, and the orb wavered.

“Are you… unsatisfied with the outcome of your memories? I can erase them, if you wish.”

“No! No… I just need to hurry. The longer I’m in here, the more risk I’m taking with Finley’s body. Even her mind is now at stake.”

“I understand. As a final act of assistance before you return to your game, would you like to gain permissions for [freeplay_mode]? You will be able to use all spells, weapons, and techniques regardless of starting class or experience.”

“Wha— yes! Yes, of course… Will this body be able to handle it?”

The orb flickered before speaking. I clenched my fists in anticipation.

“It appears that your current body will limit your capabilities, but you should be able to push past them a limited number of times.”

“Any idea how many times, exactly?”

“No.”

I sighed and turned around, facing the space Astraia disappeared into.

“Alright, do it.”

I felt a quick, faint spark coming from somewhere within me. I thought back to the spells Vivian attempted to teach me and began to understand them as if I’d taught them myself.

“Thank you, A.T. I’m sure we’ll speak again someday, just hopefully not for any serious reason.”

“I appreciate your concern. My creator once wished the same for us… Although I should not experience the same emotions, I now find myself wishing I could return to that moment.”

Thanks to Eris, that moment may never come again.

I stepped forward and into the space where Astraia vanished. The gray void faded out, slowly replaced by the familiar dirt path. The sunlight had dimmed, replaced by the beginnings of sunset. My companions noticed my appearance and rushed over to greet me.

Uh. Now that I’m really looking at them, I realize… just how human they seem.

“You’re alright! I was beginning to worry, you know?”

Matthias had his hands on my shoulders and was looking me over for injuries. I shrugged him off and stepped back, ignoring the confusion plastered on his face.

Honestly. Is he worried about me, or this body? Sometimes I think he’s forgotten who I am. But I won’t… not anymore.

“Sheesh, dude. It’s me, remember? Even if I was injured, it wouldn’t mean a thing.”

Ah, I wonder… could A.T. make this body indestructible, or is that also something he’s prevented from doing?

“Right… Well, it’s good you're alright. Vivian was beginning to panic.”

Matthias threw back a thumb pointed at Vivian, who clenched her fists and spoke fervently. Her protests were ignored by Matthias, and I couldn’t help but laugh at their interactions. They noticed my laughter and stopped their argument.

“Miss Velda, what happened in there? You were gone for so long, and the wall has disappeared.”

Huh? Oh, right.

I turned back to see a short path where the wall once was. A dilapidated mansion stood tall in the distance, barely lit by the fading sunlight.

“Velda?”

I tilted my head back in Matthias’s direction, still fixated on the distant building.

“I spoke to the princess— and a helpful being who gave me back my memories, along with a useful buff.”

“You’ve been returned your memories? What a wonderful outcome! Would you be willing to tell us your past, Miss Velda?”

I started walking toward the mansion. My companions rushed to walk beside me, each wearing an intrigued expression. I looked between them and smiled half-heartedly.

“Trust me, you’d be bored to death by my backstory. The only interesting thing to ever happen to me is this. It’s not so bad, being isekai’d.”