Ayuri

Time froze, the creature's mouth ready to close its jaw and shred Ayurio into just a piece of food.

I can’t die here.

Memories flashed back into her life, everything from the moment she was born to this scenario. She couldn’t stop it, like a train that would plough through anything that came into contact with it.

The first memory was when she joined the orphanage after being left at the age of ten, abandoned by her mother. Her memories rang more clearly, reminding her of the scene.

“When is my mother coming back?” I remember asking that of the secretary; her face was sombre and disheartened. Back then, I was only a child, so it makes sense why she didn’t tell me when

“She will be back soon; just enjoy your stay here.” She tried to fake a smile for me, and I fell for it, obviously. Then I got my own room; it wasn't the best in conditions, but I had a kitchen, a living room and a bathroom, that's all I needed.

It looked exactly like every other room in the orphanage. I also wanted to make friends during this time, but due to my unusual appearance, it was kind of difficult when I barely had the guts to even talk to others.

That was when I met, a couple of months ago, Toki, who was also there. We lived on separate sides, used to divide males and females. I remembered him from my time in school. I never knew he also struggled this much.

“I’m Ayuri! Do you remember me? We went to the same school for a while.” I felt excitement for the first time, like being alone actually paid off for this one moment.

The way he nodded gently and spoke to me like he would any other person made me happy. We went on to be friends for the next years until around the age of fifteen, when high school started.

“Ayuri, I'm moving out. I'm tired of the food they serve; I'm tired of being crowded in with other people and treated like a stray.” I faked a smile just like the secretary did, having sent off the only person I knew. I started to give in to various forms of coping. That's the first dive I got into the goddess's teachings.

Being alone and left by Toki consumed me. I could never befriend. I never fit in anywhere I went.

This left me with full devotion to my studies and learning the ways of the goddess; I forgot how I first heard about her. I'm pretty sure it was an internet post from the orphanage's computer in the shared small library.

“You are going to have a new roommate. Shina said hi.” The secretary called me down; beside her I saw a girl with red and ash hair; she had plain clothing from the charity shop. Her red eyes seemed vulnerable, and I couldn't say no to trying to help.

Moving her into my room at first was difficult; she wasn’t much of a talker until a couple of months ago, when we decided to move to a new school together. Our grades were both getting pretty good, which allowed us to change directions.

I thanked the goddess with everything I had; I did rituals and became more intertwined, but I never appreciated my own efforts, as all the credit I had was given to her. At that stage, she became everything, due to my devoted nature.

Shina caught me in the middle of the act; she wasn’t disgusted or judgemental but curious. That's when I started to introduce her to her teachings, hoping it would bring her the same satisfaction.

“She gave us all we have; make sure to keep devotion towards her.” I uttered those words like a prophet, only to later stop believing in her entirely.

The new school, a month later, accepted us with open arms.

“It's been a while,” a familiar voice spoke out to me. Was it someone I knew? Spotting me out of the crowd wasn’t difficult after all, but who would talk to me after knowing what I went through?

I turned my head and saw Toki wearing the same uniform. I remember my heart racing at our reunion, but also a tinge of hatred towards him leaving.

We both explained our life stories to the point of our reunion, and he was happy for me that I found someone. It was a breath of fresh air. Shina was in another class during this time, so explaining to her how I'm friends with someone who rejects the goddess wouldn't be an issue.

“I'm sorry for leaving so suddenly. I should've known you would be alone all that time; I just couldn't bear staying in there my whole life. I had saved up money from a secret part-time job working for some underground bar and took my chance.”

I shed a tear. All this time, I turned to the goddess, not even thinking about his case. The fact that he was there his entire life. I never imagined it; I always thought he also transferred there like I did.

That's when I broke down truly. I turned away from the world only to be let back in an instant. I cried out everything I did, how I hated him, how I turned away from everyone, and the loneliness I endured, and he accepted it all without a hint of anger.

“Everything you did was from your own efforts; don't let some nonexistent being take that.”

Those words were like the affirmation I never had. I always tried summoning her and giving her my life, yet she never seemed to care to show up once.

I saw how detached I was, how hypocritical I was to abandon everything. How my feelings were influenced and manipulated by her teachings. Later that day, I went to Shina right before our scheduled worship ritual and told her what I thought.

"I don't want to be a part of the goddess's teachings anymore. Everything that happened was my effort alone, and her teachings only taught me to abandon everything for her sake.”

Shina replied with those words that still ring in my head to this day, the day we got further than ever. A barrier formed between us. “I saw your conversation from afar. It's his fault that he exploited your vulnerability; just apologise, and she will forgive you for such harsh words.”

I shook my head. “He was there with me before the goddess, before I turned to her teachings, and I was way happier back then. I was a living person that the world could love and hate instead of shutting myself away.”

She closed the door to her room without another word. I felt sadness at myself for letting her go down this path, but I still tried my best to help her however much she needed it. Our time together couldn't separate us that easily.

“Toki, we have someone new Shina brought. Would you like to come for another ritual?” I invited him every time over the next two years, and he never rejected. I always knew that my cooking skills for making Shina and myself food were a way to convince him, pretending to give him a choice, just for his own satisfaction.

When we entered the apartment, he noticed the tall blonde guy in our school uniform, and they immediately got along well with each other.

It amazed me how guys could instantly make a judgement. I was studying him that entire day, the way he acted and behaved around us. That's when I saw that Shina has been talking to him for a while now.

He knew many of the rituals already and seemed to believe her words to an extent. He also seemed to always take the chance to come; judging by his character, it was pure boredom and laziness.

I was accepted by the world, I was cared for by everyone, and I was protected by everyone. So why is it that I alone can't do anything? Why, when I'm left alone, do I struggle to even defend my own life? I want change.