Memories of my Past Life

An insistent and horribly familiar beeping grated my ear.

I opened my eyes, grumbling as I did. A sickeningly familiar cream-colored ceiling was the very first thing I saw. The bumps on the stone wool ceiling combined with the fading spots in my vision reminded me of stars for a split second. I could even trace out the Big Dipper before my vision cleared and focused.

I let out a frustrated groan as I turned my head to the side. There was some sort of medical doohickey standing next to me like some sort of medical sentry. It had little lights that flashed all around it as it beeped. What it was supposed to do, I really had no clue. And frankly, I didn’t even really care. I named it Bill, because it probably added to the medical bill.

“Man, shut up, you’re not an alarm clock,” I spoke to Bill like he was a person. I didn’t consider him a friend, more like a person I had to put up with because our parents were friends. It was even worse because he was the only one I had to talk to right now. He never appreciated my jokes.

I could see the sun setting through the window. Looks like I managed to sleep through most of the afternoon. Eh, not like I was doing anything better with my time.

I tried to sit up, just wanting to move my body a little so I didn’t get stiff. I only made it an inch up before my exhaustion forced me back down. Dammit, that wasn’t good. Gritting my teeth, I positioned my arms to help me sit up. It took a lot of effort, far more than I was comfortable with, but I did it. Go me.

Like the ceiling, the rest of the room was a pretty, cream color, an attempt to make the place feel nice and homely. It only worked for the first few days. After being in here for as long as I had, it might as well have padded white walls.

How long had I been here anyways?

An indistinct conversation directed my attention to the TV hanging from the ceiling. An old shonen anime I’d seen way too many times played, bright colors flickering across the flat screen like fireworks. Maybe today was the day we’d get past a rerun of the first arc again.

I suddenly felt my body convulse. A loud, messy coughing fit rocked my body. My chest left like it was burning as I hacked away, coughing out god knows what.

This was the absolute worst.

What was I even sick with? I had no real clue. My doctors rarely told me anything straight, always saying they weren’t sure. That they needed to run more tests before finding out. I only hoped this wasn’t going to end with a disease named after me.

My life was just a constant rush in and out of the hospital. At this point, I had a room set aside specifically for me. The same room I had to come to every time I even breathed a little funny. A prisoner of my own body inside of this hospital.

When my coughing finally died down, I brushed my unkempt black hair out of my face. That simple act forced me to look at my pale and thin body clothed in only a hospital gown. God, it was so gross. When would I get better?

Suddenly the door to my room opened, causing me to look up. My mom quietly walked into the room, trying her best not to disturb me. I didn’t think she was visiting today… just how badly was I losing track of time?

I straightened my back and put on the best smile I could. The last thing I wanted was my mom worrying about me more than she already did.

“Hey,” I greeted as cheerfully as I could. “So, any updates from the doc?”

“Sorry,” my mom’s voice was apologetic, like it was somehow her fault I was stuck here. “The doctor said it would be best if you stayed here for a little longer,”

Of course they did. Oh well, there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

“Ah. Well, I guess that means I get to finish the anime marathon after all,” I used all my willpower to keep that smile on my face. I then snapped, like I just realized something. “Hey, Mom. What’s today?” Very smooth subject change. “My days have been kinda blending together, I don’t even know if the manga I was reading updated or not,”

“Oh, it’s Tuesday,”

Tuesday, huh? That would mean I was here for about two weeks now. Geez. At this rate, we might break the old record of three weeks.

My eyes drifted to the door. “Is Dad working late again?” I asked. I heard my mom sigh deeply before answering quietly.

“Yes,”

Of course he was. I could feel the guilt gnawing away at my bones. Why couldn’t I just get better so he didn’t have to work so hard?! Why was I made like this?

“You want to get some food?” my mom asked, obviously trying to get my own mind off the guilt.

“Eh, I’m not really hungry right now. Besides, I’m tired of cafeteria food,” I joked, keeping that fake smile on my face. “I think I’ll just… you know, go to sleep,” I shuffled in my bed, trying to lay back down. “Sorry I don’t have much to entertain you with,”

“You don’t need to entertain me, Reno,” my mom said sweetly. She got closer, intercepting me with a hug before I could lay down. That… was a little weird. Like, we weren’t a real touchy family. She didn’t hug me too often, and certainly not tight enough to make me feel like my chest was being crushed by love.

I could smell the scent of shampoo in her hair as she hugged me close. It was such a nice change compared to the sterile, almost scentless smell of the room. She felt so warm as she hugged me, and yet I felt so cold.

Should I… hug her back?

I looked down at my limp arms as my mom continued to hug. Slowly, my arms raised, ready to return the hug… but then they just stopped. I could feel them shaking. Was I still just too tired? Or was I afraid?

It was like she thought I’d vanish if she didn’t hug me. What was going on…? Was she hiding something from me…? I knew deep down I should probably push, find out what was going on.But what if it was something like me dying soon? Could I handle the thought? Could I handle seeing the way my mom would react if I forced her to deliver the news?

I looked at my mom’s face. She looked so… tired. Like one more thing could cause her to break down. My arms fell to my sides as I sat there, motionless.

In the end, I simply… did nothing at all.

After a few minutes, she reluctantly let me go. We sat in an awkward silence, both aware just how odd that was.

“Well. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” she slowly got up and walked to the door. Why did my mom seem uncertain about that? Well, great, now I was really worried about what she was hiding from me.

“Oh, you’re coming back? That’s great! See you tomorrow!” I responded, forcing that big smile on my face. I paused, hating how awkward it was now. I couldn’t let her leave with it being like this. “Hey Mom, when you swing by tomorrow, could you sneak in some of that chocolate I like?” I leaned in and whispered loudly, making sure to exaggerate my expressions. Like I was asking her to commit a crime instead of simply bringing in something sweet.

She stopped in her tracks, turning around to face me. “Reno, you know you can’t have chocolate right now,” she acted like she was exasperated, but I knew she wasn’t. Trying to balance being a responsible mom, and just being happy about the fact her son didn’t give up. I couldn’t even imagine what that must be like.

“Ah, c’mon. What they don’t know won’t hurt me, am I right or am I right?” I joked, my voice taking on a bad impression of a silly accent I heard in a mafia movie. For the first time all day, I smiled genuinely as I saw my mom covering her mouth, trying not to laugh.

“No, Reno,” she managed to keep her laughs down as she answered. That was a good sign. Now for my final shot.

“Fiiiiiiiiiine.” I sighed loudly and comically. “Then could you at least bring me something tasty to eat? This hospital food really will drive me nuts,”

“Alright. I’ll see what I can do,” my mom was smiling again. Good.

“Awesome. I’ll see you tomorrow then. Love you Mom,”

“I love you too,”

With that, my mom left to go home. She made sure to turn off the lights, leaving me alone in the dark. Well, that was fine. I could still easily watch TV.

“See Bill? Told ya I’m funny,” I chuckled to myself as I leaned against the headrest of the bed. I took a deep breath, letting myself calm down. Unfortunately, calming down made the smile on my face slowly slip away. “... Yeah, I’ll hug her when she comes back tomorrow,” I muttered to myself as I decided to focus on the TV.

Little did I know, I’d never get that chance. Today was the last day I’d ever see my Mom ever again.