What Do You Want From Me?

The clouds moved slowly overhead, and I watched as the stars flickered behind them. Standing in the moonlight, I realized how indistinguishable the sky was from the one I knew before.

The memories of who I once was and who I’ve been up to now are all conglomerating inside my head. It’s almost as if I’ve lived through a series of reincarnations, as if my old life was just the first of many. As for Finley… I’d still rather not remember.

I shook my head to dispel my thoughts and turned toward the gentle steps approaching me from behind. My dark-haired companion stopped a short distance away, his eyes scanning my face for something.

“I knew you’d be here… So tell me, what happened behind that wall? Vivian didn’t want you to know, but there was a short moment… where we began to forget you.”

What? Why would they…?

Matthias walked forward and stopped beside me. His gaze was fixated on the moon above, its light shining in his eyes.

“It wasn’t just you… I even felt her disappearing from my mind.”

Matthias clenched his fists so tightly that they began to shake. I stood facing the moon, watching him from the corner of my eyes.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know—“

“That’s not even the worst part,” his voice began to quiver, “when I’d nearly forgotten her, I felt… almost relieved.”

My eyes widened as I turned to look at him. His jaw tightened, and the moon’s light warped in his eyes. He smiled mockingly as he choked out the last of his statement.

“How is it possible… that I could hate my only friend so much?”

I gritted my teeth. I felt a pain that originated from somewhere deep within me, a pain that belonged to someone else. I lifted my left hand shakily and grabbed onto his sleeve.

Why? What did Finely ever do to—

-‘Get away from me.’-

Hm?!

A memory of someone’s spiteful voice invaded my mind. I pushed it back as Matthias removed his sleeve from my grasp.

“No… it has to be you. Because of you, all I can think about… is the way it looked. The way you look, like you’re her… when you’re not.”

I tilted my head up to see his eyes, the moon still wavering within their loathsome gaze. I felt my eyes begin to burn as he turned away.

-‘Wait! I… I’m not going to be a mage anymore!’-

Stop. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to accept it, the reason why this body trembles when it sees how reliant we’ve become on magic.

I didn’t notice it at first. With each passing day, it’s become clearer to me. When I use magic, inside this body, my head screams at me. That night, after we used magic to protect ourselves from the rain, I had to focus so I wouldn’t hurl.

I’ve wanted to ask many times, ‘Why are you like this?’ But I’m sure your memories would answer me back.

‘Let them answer.’

Ah—

I turned my head in each direction frantically. The soft voice of the princess appeared in my mind, but I couldn’t see her anywhere in the near-endless plains.

‘What do you fear, Lady Velda? No, the real question to ask yourself is: Why does this fear hold such high importance? What if this fear holds you back, in a moment of life or death? If Eris were to strike at you, would this fear stop you from fighting back?’

She’s right. If Finley’s memories are stopping me from using my full potential, then why should I let them continue? I can’t let them fade away yet, but I also can't let them control me.

‘Yes. Face your fears, and soon… I hope you will help him face his, too.’

Who? Ah, Endymion. I hope, in return for invading my mind, that you let me know why you care for him.

‘If you and your friends can allow each other into your hearts, then I will allow you a glimpse into mine.’

Ha, of course. You’re the mysterious guide here, aren’t you? I know your type, I’ve remembered it from ‘worlds’ before.

…

The voice removed itself from my mind, accompanied by a feeling of clear-headedness. I turned to face Matthias’s retreating form, a queasy feeling growing in the pit of my stomach.

Which feelings are mine, and which are Finley’s?

I thought back to all of my interactions with my difficult companion. Memories that reflected a peaceful complacency came to mind.

No… I wanted to believe that everything was all right between us, but I know better. He’s always hated me. This body hates me, too, for convincing him to fight the way I’m sure he always wanted.

“Matthias!”

The man stopped in his tracks, but refused to turn back and face me. I stepped forward to make sure my words would reach his ears.

“I’m sorry, for existing! I haven’t looked at her memories yet… but I have to! The truth is… I’ve been too scared to see them— because I wanted to hear the truth from her mouth, as a friend! Ever since you two helped me, I decided… that I want to be your friend!”

Matthias stood still as I yelled at the back of his head. I could barely make out the shape of his clenched fists in the darkness. I walked closer, my voice strained from yelling.

“I don’t expect you to feel the same, but… I want to at least know that when the time comes, you can push aside your hate and fight by my side.”

“Hate… Yeah, I really do… hate you. With that face… and even though you don’t sound like her, you sometimes talk with that tone of hers… or act like her. It’s irritating, because sometimes…”

Matthias turned back slightly to look at me. His eyes looked at something that wasn’t there, and he smiled emptily.

“… It almost feels like it’s her in there.”

Matthias walked forward, stopping a breath away. He lifted his left hand and placed it gently on my cheek. His eyes narrowed and his smile widened, but the emptiness in his eyes never changed.

“And that’s what I hate the most.”

Matthias removed his hand from my face and walked away. I stood still for a long time, ignoring the way my feet began to ache. I was left in stunned silence, accompanied only by chirping crickets and the confusing mix of emotions from everyone I’d ever 'been'.

What... am I supposed to do now?