29 - Ricolette Recollects

“I can’t believe we have a roof over our heads, a warm meal and bed.”

“Moffa wool’s comfy, but I wouldn’t call it a bed.”

“Honestly Mars, I prefer moffa wool over those beds at the inn.”

“That’s just because you have an obsession with moffas, Edelweiss.”

“I wouldn’t call it an obsession.”

“Just so you know, it seems Riko has as moffa friend of her own.”

“Hmm?!”

In this situation where they laughed to themselves, I too would join in. Despite knowing nothing about the context behind their conversation, it was simply less awkward than sitting there in silence.

We made makeshift bedding with the abundant wool available, enough for all three of them. Problem was, there’s barely enough space on the ground. Two was a narrow fit but three was a squeeze, and if they were going to stay past winter, finding a comfortable compromise was important.

For whatever reason, the compromise we found was having one of them share the bed with me. Mars was out of the question, so I found myself with Estelle making herself comfortable in my bed, hugging a large blob of Woolie’s wool as a bolster. It would seem the idea of sharing beds wasn’t a big deal in this world, by nature of being a traveler.

Nevertheless, I was a little nervous; I was aware of how strange my mannerisms appeared to someone of this world. To them, they’d see a kid who’d sit in her bed for hours on end with her eyes closed, practice strange martial arts with a wooden dummy, and constantly talk to herself and her animal friends.

Should I refrain from my usual routine? But skipping training for so long doesn’t sit well with me…

Lost in my own thoughts, I didn’t even realized everyone had fallen asleep before me. No wonder; they were surely exhausted form their journey. I couldn’t even fathom how they managed to survive the blizzard.

Magic, maybe? Edelweiss seemed like the mage of their party.

I was a little uneasy, but hopeful as well. Could this be a chance for me to finally leave the highlands?

I wonder if they’d allow me to accompany them to Rustal if I asked…

Memories of spending time together with everyone in the Tranquil Forest flashed across my mind, then a faceless person. It was a person I’d imagined several times before, moving around the house taking care of chores in my stead. I was certain this was a real person, but I’d never met them before.

Rather, I can’t remember.

I shuffled about in bed before closing my eyes, but I had trouble falling asleep. My heart was filled with so much uncertainty… Should I go? Should I stay? I don’t know. I wish I had someone who knew better, someone to make that decision for me.

“Grangran…”

My grandmother from Earth came to mind. I missed her dearly—one of my only regrets being reincarnated here was that I never got to say goodbye to her. Out of everyone I knew, she was the only one I wanted to see one more time.

Maybe if I pray hard enough, god will appear in my dreams… or was it the goddess? I can use her mistake as an excuse to give me a chance to speak to Grangran one more time… in a dream, like that one time the goddess did to me? Hmm…

As my thoughts drifted further and further into unimportant noise, I finally managed to fall asleep and get some much needed rest.

Or so I thought.

*

“… Why am I here?”

I was seated in the middle of my mind palace. There was no video screen, my personal furnishings for the place reset to when I first stepped foot in it; quaint, full of bookshelves without any modern additions.

“Hooty?” I called out, but there was no answer.

This was a first. Hooty was always in my mind palace, without fail. He was the only constant in here, the only consistent entity I had no control over. If even he was nowhere to be found…

I tried pulling up a Nuutube video feed, but nothing happened.

In the first place, it was impossible for me to be inside my mind palace while asleep. So…

“I must be in a dream.”

Next thing I knew, a white void in the shape of a human appeared opposite where I sat, a low table between us filled with an assortment of snacks from Earth and two cups of tea.

“… I see. You must be god- no, the goddess?”

“You are correct, reincarnator Ricolette,” the Goddess raised the cup of tea to her non-existent lips. “I am indeed… a goddess of Allstori-”

“IT WAS YOOOOOUUU!!”

“Pfft-” The Goddess spluttered, splashing tea all over her featureless face.

“YOU FORGOT. TO GIVE ME BACK. MY MEMORIES. WHEN YOU BROUGHT ME HERE!!”

“To be precise, an error occurred during your recollection- revelation. It was a bug-”

“A BUG?! LIKE A VIDEO GAME?!”

“I am merely using terms familiar to you, to better help you understand the situation-”

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA. THE HARDSHIPS I’VE FACED. KNOWING NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING?!”

“I’m certain you’ve faced many hardships, and overcame all-”

“YOU THREW ME TO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. AS A KID!!”

“You were born there. Your body was made to live in that environment-”

“HOW WOULD I KNOW, YOU REMOVED ALL MY MEMOREEEEEEEEEE-”

My voice was abruptly cut off with a snap from her fingers; unable to take my incessant screaming of raw emotion, the Goddess decided to silence me by force.

“Now then. I have taken time off my unending work to visit you in person. Whether you listen or not, is up to you. Your choice will determine whether you wake up knowing nothing, or knowing everything. I will now allow you to speak; choose wisely.”

With another snap of her fingers, I felt my breath return and opened my mouth.

“Why’d you take over a year to realize your mistake?”

“As a goddess, it is my duty to oversee all life in Allstoria. I endeavor to create a balance amongst the otherworlders and native inhabitants of this world, and strive to achieve an experience befitting of all those who are born here. It is my solemn duty to oversee all fairly, and judge without prejudice or favor.”

“… What?”

“Indeed, in all my time serving as the Goddess, I have encountered a plethora of souls from distant worlds. With such numbers, it is inevitable that some errors-”

“Why are you speaking like a politician?”

“…”

“…”

“My dear reincarnator Ricolette, it would appear there may have been a… mishap during your recollection. I assure you, I always strive to do my utmost to ensure an otherworlder’s arrival feels special, as you know from your own experience bestowed with the gift of the Goddess. I-”

“You sent me an automated message.”

“I was busy!” The Goddess shouted, panting.

“… Doing what?”

“Heavenly stuff.”

“…”

My impression of the Goddess as an omnipotent being was falling apart by the second. It would seem unlike a bottle of finely aged wine, this goddess had not grown into her role with time.

“Regardless! I stand before you now to fix this… inconvenience. Rejoice! For you shall be clueless no more. Once you awaken, your memories shall return to you. There may be a few hiccups, broken memories due to your experiences-”

“Are you serious…?”

“I will personally see to it that nothing goes wrong.”

“… Alright.”

“Returning memories after recollection has never been done before, so there may be side effects. YoumightforgeteverythingfronyourlifeonEarthbutthechancesareastronomicallyunlikely-”

“Sorry, what was that?”

“There is nothing to worry about. I shall restore your memories posthaste, and you may return to enjoying your new life in Allstoria.”

“… Before that, miss Goddess… I have a request.”

At least, I want to say goodbye to my grandmother; speak to her one last time.

“Your wishes have all been granted upon your arrival in Allstoria, reincarnator Ricolette. Now then, let us-”

“I just want to ask a small favor, in return for all the… trouble from the past year.”

If the Goddess had a face, I was certain her eyebrow would be twitching right about now.

“… I shall listen to your request, and decide if I am able to grant it from there.”

“First, I have to know… It was just too sudden; when I was on Earth, how did I… pass on?”

“Let me see… reincarnator Ricolette… ah yes. Reincarnator Ricolette, your cause of death was… Euthanasia.”

“… What?”

“Euthanasia. To be precise, it was decided your life support would end, and you passed on.”

“SAY IT AIN’T SOOOO!!”

I… wha-? But wait-!

“There’s no way! Grangran- my grandmother would’ve never approved such a thing-”

“You are correct.”

“Then-”

“It was your mother.”

“SAY IT AIN’T SOOOO!!”

I would be lying if I said I never expected her capable of such a thing, but I still had hope she wouldn’t, not to her own daughter.

“But… but Grangran… my mother was never able to pull the plug because Grangran was there to-”

“Ah, that’s right. Let’s see… yes. Your grandmother passed away seven Earth days before you did.”

“… Huh?”

Grangran passed away…?

All those times I’d think back to the days we spent together, wondering if she was doing well… all that time, Grangran was…?

“I… uh… Grangran- BWAAAHH!!”

I’d never cried like this before. Not on Earth, not since coming to this world. I-

“UWAAHH!!”

“Alright, if you’re done with your questions-”

“BWAAHH!!”

“Would you cease your incessant-”

“WAAAAAHH GRANGRAN!!”

“Alright, I am done! I am restoring your memories! You shall awaken from this dream and remember your past! You may be overwhelmed, but I am certain you- would you stop- oh FORGET this speech crap- I’m done! This is why I said we should wholly preserve their original personality! But noooo, let them be reborn anew, they said! Meld the new and old, they said! What a chore! Medammit!”

The goddess vanished into thin air, leaving the space around me to collapse in on itself. Despite my grief, wailing for someone whom I would never see or hear from again, what I wished for all this time began flooding into my mind. Slowly at first, then all at once.

I experienced my full life in seconds, all the emotion of an entire childhood threatening to explode inside me, tear me into a thousand pieces, question my very existence. Was I ever real? Was Ricolette ever… me? Was I ever Riko…? I… I…

Ricolette.

Ricolette.

My dear Ricolette.

What would you like for dinner tonight? We’ve got fish from the lake, fish from the forest, fish from the river downstream… Ahaha, it’s all seafood, unfortunately. Leave it to me! Mama will spice it up a little-
Oh? Is that for me? How wonderful… Looks like you’ll grow up to be quite the artist! Let’s put it up on the wall, shall we-
Riiiiiiiikoooooo- ready or not? Here I come-

What’s wrong, Ricolette? You aren’t eating your meal. You always devour everything with such gusto. Are you feeling unwell? Here, let me see your forehead-

Now, who didn’t listen and ended up tripping over her feet? Don’t cry, Ricolette. Here, let mama wipe your tears for you… good girl. Now let’s fix up that knee, shall we?

Riko! Riko!! Don’t worry, mama’ll whip up an antidote for you in a jiffy! Look at me, Riko. That’s right, focus on mama’s face. Now, say “ah”-

How’re you feeling, Riko? Please, listen to mama and stay away from the forest, alright? It’s too early for you. Mama will show you the way when the time comes-

See that, Ricolette? That’s where papa and mama first met, right where the tree still stands-

Happy birthday, dear Ricolette! Already five years old… Mama’s so proud! I’m sorry we can’t have a feast, there isn’t much up here, after all. Maybe when you’re old enough, we can go down the mountain, meet new people-

Riko? Mama has to go somewhere to check something for a few days. There’s enough food in the kitchen until I get back and plenty of water in the barrel. Stay put, alright? Mama will be back soon-

Ricolette-                                         
                                                         Do I miss papa? Sometimes, but I have you, Riko-
                     Riko-

                What was papa like? Well, he was always absorb in his work-

How beautiful…! Did you make this for mama? Thank you-                                My child-
                                                    Riko? Mama may have to leave for a few days soon-

                                                       STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER YOU FIENDS-
     Hide and seek? After your lesson, alright?

                                     See this plant, Ricolette? You must stay away from-
         Riikooooo, dinner’s ready-
                                                                                                      The forest… something’s-

You’re growing so fast! Looks like new clothes are in order-       
                                                                                                                     My Ricolette…

             Oh my, you’ve quite a liking for that moffa, haven’t you-
                                                                             Riko! Climbing up there’s dangerous-

Berries for lunch? Looks like I’ll have to teach you the benefits of a well-balanced-

                                 That’s right. You’ll feel better after sweating it out-
   Don’t worry, Riko. Mama’s here, so go to sleep-

                                                          Please take care of my daughter. I have a feeling-

Ricolette. No matter what happens, always know that mama loves you very much. There may come a time I won’t be there for you, a time where no one’s around to protect you. Know that mama will always watch over you, no matter what.

Ricolette-

Riko, my daughter-

“BWAAAAAAHHH!!”

I jolted upright, my eyes wide open with overflowing tears. I couldn’t take it. The knowledge of my grandmother’s passing before mine, the culmination of nine years of memories… of the only person I’ve ever known in my entire life-

“UWAAAHH!! UGHHH…!”

I couldn’t stop sobbing. I didn’t want to. My tears flowed like crashing water from a broken dam, finally relieved of the burden it held. I couldn’t hear anything besides my incessant wailing, until I felt the touch of a cold hand on my shoulders, and a voice trying to calm me down.

“Riko? What’s wrong, Riko?!”

“Ughhh… UWEEHH! MAMAAAAAA!!”

I cried out for my mother who left, her promise to return after a few days dragging on to over a year, the problem she left to take care of unresolved.

“Riko!”

A tight embrace, kind arms trying to console me—that was what I felt.

My vision was too blurry to make out who it was, the voice saying the one word I could understand—my own name.

It’s Estelle; I was back in the real world. The Goddess had finally restored my memories, memories I’ve complained about for the entirety of my time spent here.

In that moment, I wish she hadn’t. I wished I’d stay blissfully ignorant.

I don’t know how long I cried for, but when I was done I simply closed my eyes, allowing Estelle to continue stroking my hair.

I was devastated, I was filled with regret. Even as I had these thoughts, these burning emotions, I eventually calmed down. I was reminded by my newfound memories… that gentle touch, that warm, kind embrace. That soft humming, the resolve to never be the first to let go.

My mother wasn’t here to hold me anymore.

But Estelle is.

I allowed myself to let go, and was finally able to fall asleep once more.