Nia - Broken (1)

The cart rattled over the overgrown cobblestones, and Nia stared numbly at the sparse buildings around her. They looked as bleak as she felt, and the gray stone blocks they were made of only deepened her indifference.

The only glimmer of hope Nia had ever had was Uda. Every time everything seemed lost, every time she was about to surrender to the terrible Exorcist and her vile Aspirant, Uda had been there for her. Somehow she had given Nia courage again and again. Otherwise, all that remained in her was hatred and disgust — for Lera, with her smug grin and that sickly-sweet, false voice, who had done whatever she wanted with Nia; for Kelwin and Diga, who had humiliated and dehumanized her, stripping away the last shred of dignity Lera had left her.

And for herself, because she hadn’t been able to do anything.

How she hated herself for that.

She hadn’t been able to save Locu, and her own weakness was to blame for his Waking. She had dragged Uda into this mess because she hadn’t been alert; she had wallowed in self-pity. She had handed herself over to the Exorcist without resistance, feeding Lera’s delusion that Nia was possessed, though Nia had no idea what that terrible woman even meant.

I am possessed. I am a worthless piece of shit, a bitch!

Those words echoed in her mind — words spoken in her own voice. She couldn’t fight them. All the pain, the searing torment the Exorcist had inflicted with the chain around her neck and those cursed, glowing stones... Nia had no choice but to say what was demanded of her, and in time even to think what had been drilled into her. Yet the worst part wasn’t that she thought it only because Lera had ordered her to; no, it was because it was true.

I am a worthless piece of shit, a bitch!

How else could she explain that all she ever brought was darkness? Only misfortune to those who, for some unfathomable reason, had cared for her?

Locu. Uda.

Now Locu was dead... or had woken up? And Uda was chained to her fate, tortured and abused every single day. Since they had left the meadows, her screams had filled the nights — horrible screams that only sharpened Nia’s guilt. Eventually there was nothing left but groans and choked sounds. Nia no longer knew how many times Uda’s tongue had been burned out, how many times Kelwin had healed her slowly and clumsily, his filthy smile always present.

He always smiled when he tore into Nia’s body with his flickering lights, burning her skin, and she had no doubt he did even worse to Uda.

Kelwin and Diga — those repulsive creatures — had done it to her again and again, inflicting all that agony.

ia tried not to think about it, but always saw Diga worshipping Kelwin, even as she kicked her. How Diga adored him, and he adored her. Each time, Nia wondered if she and Locu might have been the same, if they had been given their time. If they had only seen each other and not cared for others, would their connection have turned them vile as well?

Yet Locu was gone.

And it was her fault. If anyone was to blame, it was her. Every time she thought of it, every time she faced that truth, the pain returned — the same pain she had carried within her since Locu’s Waking. Through Lera’s actions, through Kelwin’s, and sometimes even Diga’s, torment almost felt good. Almost right.

Sometimes Nia wondered if she still had any other part of herself left, or if this pain was the only part that remained. The most terrible thing was that nothing that had been done to her compared to the suffering she had felt when that monster had torn Locu apart. When he disappeared and only emptiness remained, then the pain...

And yet Uda had been there. She was almost like a warm light Nia could always feel, even when it was mostly smothered by hatred and disgust.

Uda.

I should have known back then, when we sat together under the Shield. When you wanted to go back. When you wanted to go back and help. I should have known you would try to help me too. Or at least try... I never understood why, and I suppose I never will. And now look at you... Nia thought again and again, wishing she could claw at her own face.

She couldn’t move. If she tried without Lera’s permission, the necklace burned so fiercely she thought it would sear her skin — that horrible chain, that torturous net of metal and stones she had come to hate so deeply.

The Exorcists of the Radiant Order and the Nightmare Hunters she hated even more. Almost as much as she hated herself. Somehow she would save Uda. That was the one thing she still had to do, even if it cost her everything she had left.

I owe her that. She is the only good thing that remains...

These thoughts were not new to Nia; on the contrary, they replayed over and over in her head. With them came the terrible echo of the words Lera had forced her to repeat without end — words she had believed long before the Exorcist’s compulsion.

piece of shit, a bitch!

Only sometimes was there reprieve. In rare moments she could detach herself a little, have no thoughts, no pain — that was the newest experience of them all. It had started when her mind was drowned by that unspeakable abyss one day. At first she had been afraid as all washed away, but in the emptiness there was something she knew, something so familiar she could almost touch it, and yet each time she tried there were alien sensations as well. As if something foreign had invaded her that day, silently — another thing influencing her mind.

It all felt so sick. Which thoughts were even still hers? Which ones belonged to Uda, which to the creature they had encountered, birthed from her failure to keep Locu with her? Which belonged to the horrid soldiers of the Radiant Order? Which ones came from the void creeping in now and then, soothing her? It was so close, yet so far.

Meanwhile Nia twitched with every constant jolt and rattle of the wagon she lay on, guarded by Lera. The Exorcist’s flawless appearance only filled Nia with greater hatred. Everything about Lera reminded her of something she could never be: a strong, beautiful, confident woman. She hated Lera’s flaming red hair, always tied in circular patterns. She dreaded her perfect face, smooth yet hard at the same time. She despised her eyes, which, despite their coldness, still shone with life. She hated her lips, which always faked a smile but looked as if they wanted to cry. And she hated her strength, her ability to wield her Lucidity. Nia had seen what Lera had done to the monster that charged at them — and to the others, the ones that attacked again and again.

Every time they encountered one, Kelwin was healing Uda, no doubt slower and less carefully than he could have. Lera leapt forward and butchered any Nightmare that came near.

I have only ever run away.

Now she rode on an old cart through barely visible streets lined with squat buildings that were hardly recognizable as such anymore. Uda’s muffled whimpering reminded her that Lera had taken her tongue again. Uda still wore the tattered scraps of the linen clothes she had arrived in when she entered the Dream. The rags were bloody and soaked with dried pus, and the stench hit Nia’s nose.

She looked down at herself and felt oddly grateful for the tight, revealing white dress Lera had given her for her obedience. Golden and red threads were woven into the fine fabric, burning on her skin. She did not care; at last she had new clothing. Lera had personally created the dress with her lucid powers, and to Nia’s own disgust she felt honored to put it on and to wrap herself in Lera’s presence. She still reeked, though, since she wasn’t allowed to bathe and her black hair was starting to mat. Secretly she hoped she could show Lera her gratitude somehow, to earn even this small privilege.

Again she wanted to smash her head against a wall or claw at her own face. She couldn’t have sunk this low.

I am a worthless piece of shit.

The houses around them looked abandoned at first, but when they passed a barrier that burned Nia’s skin and scattered sparks across her, new people appeared. Men and women sprawled on the overgrown roofs, looking down at them, soon calling out cheerful greetings and rushing off to announce their arrival.