On Decisions

In a strange way, we’d both received each other’s words, even if they were, well, in our cryptic way of speaking.

“Next time… I guess I should be more direct with her.”

I assume you’ve seen the movie 500 Days of Summer—remember the part where Tom walks through the city like he’s in an idyllic fever dream?
No doubt, that’s how I looked going down the shop stairs toward the café.From outside, I could see Sayo. She’d chosen a table by the window. I would’ve picked one in the back. Personal preferences, I guess.

She didn’t see me come in—she was too busy braiding and unbraiding her hair. It didn’t seem like an anxious habit, just something she did.
I had no way of knowing without asking, and her hair wasn’t the topic I’d come to discuss anyway.

“Napkin?” Sayo asked, leaving her hair braided, trying not to laugh as she looked at me.

“Huh?”

“I mean, if you keep smiling like that, you’ll drool on the floor, and someone might slip.

”I touched my face reflexively. Yeah, I was smiling—hadn’t even noticed. “Don’t exaggerate…”

“I’m guessing something good happened.”

“You could say that…” I replied, sitting down. I signaled the waitress for coffee. “Now’s when I should switch to a worried face, right?”

“You think I’m gonna act like a jealous teenager now, Eiji?” she asked, taking the spoon from her cup and pointing it at me.

It was like an art class, you know, when they make you measure proportions with a pencil before drawing.
I expected her to say more, but she waited until the waitress brought my coffee to continue. I could’ve spoken, but I didn’t know what questions to ask.

“No, dumbass, it’s just…”

“That bad feeling, right?”

“Yeah…” I said, though admitting it didn’t feel good.

“Can I ask why?”

“Well… your hands.” I nodded toward them, still holding the spoon in front of me. “They’re not shaking.”

“Want to analyze the approximate percentage of people whose hands don’t shake?” she asked, placing the spoon back in her cup.

She stirred her coffee without ever touching the sides.

“I want to know what you did, Sayo, because I’m sure your hands were why you were on that bridge the other day.”

“One of many reasons…”

“I feel like you’re stalling on purpose,” I said, taking a sip of my coffee.
I’d forgotten to add sugar, but the bitter, dry taste matched the conversation.

“A little. Or is it only Aranara who gets to have her moment?” she said with a slight laugh. “An incurable problem, a pre-planned life I didn’t choose, and the feeling of not belonging anywhere—don’t you think that’s a good enough reason to choose… to die?”

“Before, I would’ve agreed with you… now, I think I’d punch you if you tried it again.”

“There it is, see? A stranger on a rainy night meets a girl about to kill herself… the stranger invites her to his house and, what’s more, gives her shelter from the storm. Literally and metaphorically. All without opening a wound by asking why, all without asking for anything more than for the girl to stay a bit longer the next day for lunch.”

“Don’t paint me as a savior…”

“When Aranara found me—well, more like appeared in front of me—she probably thought I was like you,” she said, picking up the spoon again to point at me.

“Someone with no attachment to life.”

“Exactly. But though I thought she was right, both she and I were wrong.”

“In other words?”

“Even though the scene at your house was… kind of weird, like you said, I can’t deny I went home almost smiling like you. Without the drool, obviously.

”“Okay, I think I see where you’re going…”

“But on the way home…” she said, cutting me off. “The other Aranara—you know her, right? The one in the gray coat.”

“The corporate bitch...” I exhaled. I wasn’t angry, just saw no comparison between the two.

She let out a laugh she didn’t see coming. “That’s the one, though she’s not what you think… she just offered me a deal. I assume she did the same with you, but…” she continued. “That’s where our paths diverge.”

“I refused… you accepted,” I muttered, already trying to imagine what that deal was.

“Exactly, Eiji. That’s why you’re looking at me like that, isn’t it? You’re scared of what I might’ve agreed to?”

Though I didn’t answer, she was good at observing. Judging by my body language, she already knew the answer—not just now, but from the moment I walked in.

“Thanks, and I’m sorry,” she said, taking a sip from her cup.

For a moment, she looked out the window.I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt an invisible hand squeezing my chest from the inside.
It wasn’t her words—it was the weight behind them.

“Sayo…”

“I owed you one, Eiji. I want you to know I tried to find a deal… a way to repay you for showing me… friendship, even if you didn’t realize you were doing it…”

“Sayo, please, just spit it out already…” I said, letting my head fall back. I felt like I’d taken a beating.

“Aranara is just ‘another Death,’ Eiji. She’ll never be human… though, you already sensed that, didn’t you?”

“I did, yeah, but I thought—”

“No. Not everything can be changed, Eiji. We can do things to a certain point, but we can’t alter the nature of things…” she said, cutting me off. “I want you to know I tried, but that deal wasn’t possible. I swear I tried, Eiji.”

[Come on, take a deep breath, idiot. Don’t lose your cool. You’re in public.]

“That’s why I’m apologizing…”

[You’ll figure this out. Don’t lose your cool. Don’t lose your cool. Don’t lose your cool.]

“And… though you probably don’t want to hear me out anymore…” she said, picking up her camera and turning the screen toward me. “This is the only way I can say ‘thank you, Eiji.’”

“H-How… how did you do that?” I said, staring at the screen.

I didn’t know what was stronger—the knot in my stomach or the one in my throat.

“Did you notice people whispering?”

“Why… how is this…?”

“I bet you felt their stares but misread them… they weren’t looking at the ‘town psycho.’ They were wondering…"

My eyes were glued to the screen. I didn’t understand—there was probably no way I could.

“How someone who looks like he crawled out of a coffin is running around holding hands with a girl like that,” she said, covering her mouth to laugh. Even in a moment like this, she minded her manners.

That photo she’d snapped of Aranara and me outside the shop.
It wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment thing for Sayo—it was her way of testing if her 'deal' had worked.
It wasn’t a professional photo, but it wasn’t out of focus, though that wasn’t the point.

“Does this mean…?”

“Aranara’s ‘boss’ gave me these steady, skilled hands you see because I realized, after all, I didn’t want to die… I just wanted an ear or… sorry for repeating it, but someone I could call a ‘friend,’ even just once.” She pulled her chair closer to the table. “And… I’m no longer a Kanzai. My family lost all memory of me ever existing, so, while it sounds grim, I’m kind of happy to not be tied to a life I didn’t want to live—or rather, a future I couldn’t choose.”

I felt that invisible hand squeezing me harder.

“Sayo… why?”

“Come on, Eiji, don’t make that face. Honestly, it didn’t bother me at all. Now I can have my own life, one I choose to live… it might seem like a huge price to pay, but for me, it’s not.”

“Everyone can… see her?”

“Yes.”

“Let me say it again… they can see her like anyone else?”

“Yes, Eiji, try not to fry your neurons. I think I explained it simply enough.”

Can you blame me for nearly leaping across the table to hug her?
Because while sometimes words are too much, other times—like this one—they fall short, even when there’s so much to say.

“You’re… gonna suffocate me… let go already,” she said, not resisting at all. “Now you should worry about others trying to steal your girl.” She let out a laugh. “She must’ve realized by now that people can see her, unless she’s still sticked to that shop window. Why don’t you go back to her?”

“As if Aranara would notice anyone else…” I said, chuckling as I stood from the chair.

“Wow… that sounded… way too self-centered, especially coming from someone like you.”

“Just trying to sound cool.”

“You need to work on that. It doesn’t work on me.”

I was about to bolt out of the café to find Aranara, but I couldn’t help thinking that maybe the puzzle was a bit bigger than I’d thought, and there were still a couple of pieces I hadn’t fit together.“

Hey, Sayo…”

“What, you’re not leaving?” she said, reviewing the photos she’d taken that day.

“Now that you’ve basically been reborn—”

“This isn’t a movie, Eiji…” she cut me off, not looking up from her camera’s screen.

“Whatever. I’ve got space at my place... one without leaks.”

“Huh?” She looked up instantly, like she’d just heard they’d found a new habitable planet.“Don’t overthink it. I don’t have ‘friends’ either, so I’m practicing too. See you later?”

“C-Clearly…”

For the first time, I saw her shrink into her shoulders, that soft voice tinged with a hint of embarrassment.