The Cinnamon Roll - Pan

‘First time…’ Pan looked away, as if deep in thought.

‘First time since we found you,’ he said, ‘that you’ve laughed. I remember the sound. From before.’

‘I wish I remembered too.’ I said as I looked down to the water.

Pan watched me and said nothing.

’I only had some of Raiona’s journals to go with.’

I took a sip. Then I looked back up. Pan was still observing me. He looked helpless. Or he thought I was helpless and he wished he could do something about it.

‘You’re always there. Apparently. If you were that horse following her around.’

Pan looked visibly pained when I referred to Raiona as “her” and not “me”.

‘I’m good at that.’ He smiled bitterly.

I adjusted myself so I am facing Pan. Knees folded in front of me and blanket covering me like a breakfast wrap.

‘You’re kind.’

He smirked, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. ‘You were always like this.’

’Like what?’

He smiled faintly, looking down at his hands. 

‘Troublemaker. Ray of light. Sign of hope. Dragging people into chaos like it was a divine calling.’

I chuckled. ‘I don’t remember any of it.’

Pan tilted his head. ‘You used to make Mede swear oaths of secrecy. Every time you planned something.’

‘Oh no.’

He nodded, voice light. ‘One time, you found a tunnel behind the throne. Said it led to the “treasure of the founders.” It led to the ceremonial wine cellar. You drank half a bottle and tried to declare yourself queen.’

I was flabbergasted. ‘You’re lying! That’s outrageous!’

‘I was a horse,’ he said flatly. ‘Couldn’t lie. Could barely neigh. Just trotted after you two like the loyal steed I was.’

The image alone made me laugh so hard that I was smacking sleeping Celphi. Pan smiled, looking satisfied enough with my reaction.

‘As soon as you were able to, you always rode me into every mess,’ he added. ‘You thought I was some white knight. Nobody had the heart to correct you. You were too cute.’

’You also used me to annoy other people.’ He continued.

’Raiona did what?’

’You used me to escape chores.’

Well, that’s fair enough.

‘You used to put flowers in my mane. And then kiss my muzzle.’

‘Hah?’ My jaw fell.

‘We even slept on the same bed, occasionally.’

‘Why am I so embarrassed? I wasn't even there.’ I covered my face with a pillow.

‘And once, when the elders caught you after a big stunt. It involved a goat and a royal banner. They scolded you for hours. You got banned from the central palace library.’

‘And you?’

‘They put me back in the medical barn.’

‘They punished you?’

‘I was livestock,’ he said, deadpan.

I laughed so hard I was almost rolling off Celphi. ‘I’m so sorry.’ I said as I wiped tears from laughing too much.

Pan shrugged. ‘I didn’t mind. It meant you were safe.’

I looked at him then. Like really looked. His gentle expression. The slight twitch of a smirk at the corner of his lips. His observing purple eyes. And his colorful hair and clothes. His half pink and green hair that drapes down to an ombre blue. It’s hard to miss him. He looked like an explosion of neon shades. He wore a white coat on top of his rainbow cardigan. As if it was going to balance out anything.

Is he someone I can trust? I understand there are still politics even if this is magical realm. The stakes could even be much higher here with more than just hypothetical power in place. There are actual magical powers included now.

‘I stole this from Elliot. You’d think an old fox would stop hoarding sweets, but no.’

I took it without hesitation. I was more hungry than I thought I was.

‘Taste like durian. A smelly fruit from earth.’

‘He calls it Flamefruit Chillbomb. Half the kitchen staff has cried trying to figure it out.’ He says as he launched a few in the air above his head and caught them all in his mouth. He even managed to stack three on his tongue. Bad timing, I nearly choked from his nonstop assault to humor me.

‘Why do you say it like it’s illegal?’

‘It might be,’ Pan said. ‘If he offers you an orange one, say no.’

I lay back against the cushions, still smiling, one hand gently clearing the hair off Celphi’s face. Relieved that I could see the rising and falling of his chest. I could still feel the ache in my face from laughing, but Pan gave me space to catch my breath.

At least they haven’t abandoned this man here.

He shifted closer, resting one arm over his raised knee. ‘Want to hear about the kingdom?’

‘Do I have a choice?’

‘No. You’ve been unconscious too long. And I am excellent company.’ Pan snickered.

How can someone so gentle looking snicker like a thief? It’s like watching one of those little angel Cupid figures laugh in an evil manner.

I gave him a flat look. ‘A talking horse with sugar issues.’

‘Regal steed,’ he corrected, straight faced.

‘And the sugar is emotional support.’ He winked.

I burst out laughing again.

Pan’s face is so innocent and his voice is so soft. Like a whisper. What comes out of his mouth just doesn’t match his looks. I would even dare say he looks as innocent as Celphi. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if the most innocent looking ones harbour the most secrets. Tsk tsk tsk.

Pan continued, clearly enjoying himself. ‘The king, your father, is terrifying and sweet. He once roared at a mountain when your mother was unwell and he couldn’t find the cure. The whole area got blasted off. The people still tell that story. Riye thinks it’s nonsense, but I was there and the chunk of mountain is still missing up to this day.’

‘I’m sorry, my apparent father evaporated a mountain?’

‘Well, he screamed it off. He had used his voice so he screamed it off. Though I imagine he can evaporate things as well.’

I covered my mouth. ‘This place is ridiculous.’

I wanted to get on and ask the heavy questions, but couldn’t hurt to get Pan speaking first before I dive in.

‘It gets better.’ Pan leaned in conspiratorially. ‘Your mother, Queen Tiaret. She’s loving, brilliant, and the image of purity.’

‘But…’ Pan hesitated.

‘She’s been sick. For a while now. It’s part of why they summoned you back. She’s strong, but the healers haven’t found the cure yet. Everyone’s trying.’

My smile faded a little. ‘Is that why everyone’s been searching for me?’

‘That.’ Pan hesitated.

‘And because they love you. We all did. You disappeared, and the world just sort of got quieter.’

Pan watched me hide more into my blanket and lean into Celphi.

Actually, am I causing Celphi pressure ulcers?

‘I wish I remembered,’ I whispered.

I tried turning Celphi at an angle as I realized he could have been lying down for a long time. Pan reached over and helped me reposition Celphi and put pillows on one side, as if he was a medical teammate who was too attuned to me and knew my next move in giving care.

‘You will. Or, if not, I’ll just lie and say everything you did was incredibly impressive.’

‘Oh no. Tell me real things.’

’I am a pure horse.’ Pan huffed.

Pure people don’t call themselves “pure”…

‘I do not tell lies. I can’t.’ He continued, face smug.

I giggled in amusement. I wasn’t sure what to believe with this guy.

‘You once beat a centaur kid in a foot race,’ he deadpanned. ‘With three Nimfira, or as you called them, fairies, tied to your ankles. For honor.’

‘Pan!’

That better not be Tincy, Magnus and Nams.

He smirked. ‘Oh, you met them already? Good. Because they still owe me a barrel of honey for betting you wouldn’t wake up before Celphi.’

I snorted. ‘Betting on my coma? Rude.’

‘Rude,’ Pan agreed solemnly. ‘But lucrative.’

I threw a pillow at him. ‘Pan!’

‘Also, you made Celphi wear a tutu for a week. Told him it was an ancient dragon ritual.’

I choked. ‘I did not!’

‘You did. He wore it proudly until Mede nearly combusted from secondhand shame.’

‘Well yeah, I bet Raiona wanted that anyways.’

We laughed together.

I was crying, had actual tears rolling down my cheeks. ‘Please! I can’t breathe. This is cruel and unusual punishment!’

Pan wasn’t finished. ‘And then there’s the time you told Riye that braiding his lion mane was tradition. You picked the most fragrant flowers for his crown wreath. He smelled like summer meadow for days. Student morale soared.’

‘Oh noooo.’ I buried my face in my hands, laughing so hard my stomach hurt. ‘Stop! My ribs. My everything! Hurts!’

Pan’s eyes softened. ‘Good. That means you’re still you.’

Mmm… I just don’t think I can bring forth the person everyone actually wanted… Sorry.

‘I still don’t think I deserve this much love…’ My voice dipped. ‘I’m not worth it.’

I wiped my eyes. It was suddenly quiet again. Pan didn’t rush in with an argument. He just sat there, steady, his presence enough to let me deflate.

‘You are,’ he said at last, firm but gentle. ‘You are worth it. And more.’

I stared down at my hands. ‘I’ve always thought I was an unwanted child…’

Pan shifted slightly, like he was ready to move closer if I gave the smallest sign. ‘You couldn’t be more wrong in that sentiment. You have always been cherished.’ He let the words linger.

The weight in my chest pulled harder. I tried to smile but it faltered.

I… I’m just an orphan…

‘You must’ve been terrified,’ he continued softly. ‘Being alone in an entirely different world. I can’t imagine how difficult that was… No. Actually, I can.’

I lifted my gaze. He wasn’t looking at me. His eyes were fixed on some memory.

‘I was a reject foal,’ he said quietly. ‘Magical horses are supposed to be a certain color. Golds, obsidians, pure whites. I was silvery. Even glittery and sparkly, as you said. Too bright. I stood out. I wasn’t good at hiding my presence. A liability. So, yes. I know what it feels like to be unwanted. To be told you don’t fit.’

My throat closed up.

‘Your mother adopted me,’ he went on. ‘But it was you who saved me. Do you understand that, Ina? You were the one who made me believe I wasn’t useless.’

I bit down on my lip hard.

Why did I say anything? Now he is spilling pieces of himself for my sake... Thank you Pan.

‘I always wondered,’ Pan said with a wistful tilt of his head, ‘if I had stuck closer to you… would I have been able to save you? Would things have been different?’

I leaned back against the soft cushions, staring up at the faintly glowing ceiling. ‘This whimsical world… ’ I huffed. ‘No, this dangerous world. The bond marks, Celphi’s, Mede’s, even Marik’s. I feel like I’ll fall apart if I’m not laughing.’

‘Because this world is heavy, Ina,’ Pan said quietly. ‘It always has been. But you… ‘ his voice dipped, steady and low, ‘you were the light in it. Even if you don’t remember, the kingdom hasn’t forgotten.’

He hesitated, and then added, ‘I haven’t.’

My chest squeezed. I couldn’t bring myself to meet his purple eyes. I was too afraid of what I’d see there. The silence stretched, but it wasn’t empty. It was full of things unsaid, of things neither of us dared to push into the open.

I closed my eyes briefly, feeling the warmth of his presence from a few meters away. Even without touching, his aura wrapped around me like a steady flame. It was comforting and protective, like a promise. 

And when I did glance up, just once, his purple eyes were already waiting, deep and unwavering. He didn’t say it outright, but everything in his gaze told me enough. “This time, I’ll save you.”