Anger Isn't All

“Why can’t all of your tattoos be that easy to find?” I blew a stray strand of hair out of my face. We spent one night in town, sleeping on an actual bed, then back on the road. I even got to take a real bath before we left. Aggie refused due to his “hair dye,” and now was bathing in a stream somewhere behind me. I wasn’t going to turn around and check.

“I think both of those pieces were pretty easy to find.” Aggie’s voice rang out. He was close enough for us to chat, though there were times we were almost shouting. Especially when he was dousing his head with water or splashing about.

“Just how was that deer easy!?”

“We found it right away. Just wait ‘til we find something that can hold more of my power. We probably won’t sense it until it’s upon us.”

I heard splashing and let the conversation pause. Was there something strong enough to hold his power? Maybe a bear. I didn’t want to imagine fighting a cursed mammal that large. It could probably crush me with one swipe.

“Yer probably thinking another animal, but there are far more dangerous things in this world.” Aggie approached from behind me. He was ringing out the last bit of water from his hair…which was quite a bit shorter. He had lobbed it off to just beneath his chin. It suited him much better.

“Uh, like the haircut.”

He ran his fingers through the once again purple locks, grinning. “Thanks! It had gotten too long, so it was about time. I like it better like this. If ya ever need a haircut, happy to oblige!”

He pulled a dagger free from his belt. It was tucked behind his jacket, so this was my first time noticing it. My eyes quickly caught the blade. It traced the silver downward to the patterns carved into the handle.

“That dagger!” I finally managed to gasp out.

“Hm? It’s something I’ve had ever since I was sent here. What about it?” Aggie tilted his head to the side.

I quickly fumbled with the sheath on my own belt. I freed the dagger and held it up to him. “This!”

He leaned closer. His eyes widened and he frowned. “Oh, that’s just creepy. They look a lot alike.”

“Yeah, and I’m pretty sure this is how I ended up here. I, uh, sorta tried to kill myself with this dagger and blacked out. When I woke up, it was over here with me.”

Aggie pursed his lips. “I can’t say how the others got here, but I think yer the first one that tried to off themselves. Still, that’s interesting to know.”

He glanced down at his dagger, then once more at mine. He closed the distance between us. He held up his dagger and I mimicked the motion. We held them side by side, both of us carefully examining them.

I’m sure this had to mean something, but what it meant was beyond me. I lifted my gaze towards Aggie and our eyes met.

“Did the other Mages have this dagger?” I turned my eyes back down to the blades.

“I wouldn’t know, as my only interaction with them was general just fighting. I tried talking to them in the past, but they just sorta scream at me and throw fire. At least ya talked to me even after doing that.”

Ugh. I wish he would stop bringing that up. I felt the heat rising in my cheeks. Time for a subject change. I pulled my dagger back and slid it back into the sheath. I straightened up, for a moment standing at the same height. But of course, as he stood straight, he towered over me once more. It annoyed me for no reason.

“Is there any way to narrow down where your magic split off to, or is it just random guessing?” I folded my arms across my chest. Please say he had some reasoning!

“Not much, I’m afraid. I don’t even getta see when it goes flying. By that time, I’m already being sealed. But they always seem to be close enough and not that far from each other either. Helps limit the map. While the Mages train and sleep cozy, I run all over trying to piece myself together.” Aggie rested his hands behind his head. He really got the short end of the stick for this legend, though dying wasn’t exactly a win. I almost felt bad for him.

“I’m always able to find it all before the mage finishes training, so it all works out! I can kick their asses!”

Almost.

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not going to let you kick my ass. That would make this all pointless, like out of the frying pan and into the fire. I’m trying to avoid that.”

Aggie made a face. “What is it with ya and cookware?”

I gave him a blank look. Never mind the idioms, this demon was just an idiot! An idiot that I was learning magic from, I reminded myself.

“Fine, whatever. I’m done explaining. Let’s just keep on it.” I turned away and tightened my stance. There was no point continuing this inane conversation.

“What are ya so grumpy for? Humans are so troublesome.”

Not as much as demons. But I kept my mouth shut.

Aggie started walking and I followed behind him. He no longer rushed our journey, instead keeping a pace I could easily match. He did make a lot of concessions for my sake. Maybe I was being too hard on him.

I sighed and took in a deep breath. I wanted to snap at everything, but this wasn’t a situation where I should. This wasn’t my world nor was the Demon Lord actively working against me. In this unknown place, he was sadly my only companion. I should try to treat him a little better. At least when he earned it.

I caught up with him. Another sigh. “So, what should I learn next?”

Aggie grinned, easily forgetting my earlier tantrum. “Oh, oh, I know! We started with control, but we should also learn some defense. Can’t always just burn something up when things get hot.”

Darn. That would be way more fun.

“Defense, huh…” I mumbled to myself. It made a lot of sense, though I personally preferred the violent approach. I wanted to believe that made the fight end faster. Although if we were going to run into stronger creatures, I might not be able to get an attack off quickly enough or even be able to break through their defenses. Yeah, defense was just as important as offense after all.

Aggie was giving me a funny look again. “Um, okay, if yer done talking to yerself, let’s go over some stuff, okay?”

Turned out, defense was a lot more difficult to learn than expected. The basic premise behind it was simple: spread my magic out like rolling out bread. My problem came from making it thin enough. I was quickly getting frustrated by the globs of magic I was trying to flatten. It clung to my fingers and even burst into flames. I was about to light the trees we passed on fire.

“Mage, ya gotta calm down! It’s great ya got such a fiery temper, but that won’t help ya here. Bring up the magic slowly, and don’t add anymore ‘til ya got some of it spread out. All we are trying to do is make a small shield to cover yer hand.” Aggie kept repeating the same instructions, wording it slightly differently each time. I could tell he was starting to get irritated with me, but he did a much better job keeping his temper in check than I.

“I’m trying!” I whined. I kept going through the motions, trying to bring up small bits of my magic at a time. Every time I tried to start spreading it thin, I felt like more of my magic rose up and poured into the ball I was trying to flatten. And once again, I ended up with flames on my fingers before pulling it back in.

Aggie stopped walking and came to my side. He took my right hand in both of his and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“I know this ain’t anything fun, but it’s very important. Ya just gotta try to use something other than yer anger to bring up yer magic, I think. Yer anger lets ya dump it out, which is great when we need something fast and big, but for defensive spells, ya need to move a bit slower, and ya need it more concentrated.”

I frowned and exhaled. He was right, and everything he said made sense. This whole time, I relied on my anger and rage to fuel my magic. It allowed me to bring that heat up from deep inside of me and channel it through my body. I was using that hatred as a crutch for my magic, but would I be able to rely on it forever? The lack of success with this magic practice was quickly pushing that possibility aside.

He let go of my hands and grinned that same lopsided grin I was growing so accustomed to. “How about instead of anger, ya think of another emotion? Maybe like happiness or love.”

I gripped my hand with my other one. “What if all I am is anger?”

“Sucks to be ya, I guess.”

I was about to snap back, but he continued speaking.

“But I know that ain’t true. We may not have known each other for that long, but I gotcha figured out. I don’t know what kind of world ya came from or what ya went through before this, but I’ve seen ya fight, I’ve seen ya stand up for yerself, and I’ve even seen ya help others out. Ya may not see it right now, but there’s more than anger in there. I can guarantee it! I was once a lot like ya, way before I came over here.”

I released my hands. “How did you get over the anger, Aggie? How can someone recover from a life full of pain and sadness?”

“There ain’t one answer for everyone, but in my case, I just got tired of suffering. I didn’t want that for myself anymore. That’s why I’ll keep doing this stupid pattern for this legend until it reaches its end. Nothing is eternal.”

Something about Aggie’s voice shifted. There was a flicker of darkness across his eyes as he spoke his last words. I knew nothing about the demon’s history, and admittedly, I hadn’t given it much thought since he briefly mentioned it, but I was starting to remember it. He said something about the Demon Lord’s children being forced to fight each other. Only one survived, and they were sent to defeat the Mage.

Oh. That probably wasn’t part of the legend on the demon’s side. More than likely, that was part of his own history. It was a bit terrifying to think about, but also tremendously sad. No one should be forced to fight their family. I bitched about my parents and wanted to teach them a lesson by hurting them emotionally, but I never would raise my hand against them.

Maybe I couldn’t muster any thoughts happy enough to remain in my head long enough to practice this magic, but sadness was an emotion I might be able to use. It always went hand-and-hand with my anger, the hurt buried beneath the burning rage. All I had ever wanted was a little attention, a little love, but it never was something I could grasp. It always felt like it was out of reach.

I remembered walking around town during holidays, seeing families laughing together and sharing happiness. Even just seeing friends greeting each other with hugs and smiles. I wanted even one person to share that kind of joy with, but it was something that I could only watch from the sidelines. My parents ignored me; the other kids bullied me…even the maids stayed only long enough to do their job and never wanted to exchange pleasantries. Sure, I hadn’t been the easiest kid to deal with, but I guess I kept hoping that somebody would reach out and try to break through these walls.

That loneliness only brought me tears. I hid it behind a mask of rage, burying the pain with it. The villagers’ cold looks dragged the memories back, thus the anger grew stronger. It had protected me for so long, became a comfort to me in all the times I wanted to cry.

The magic was still warm, but it didn’t burn hot like before. It inched up slower, and I let it move at that pace until it reached my fingertips. Like this, it was much easier to bend and mold it. It spread out around my hand, light yellow flames dancing around me. A thin layer formed, and in my mind, I stretched it into the shape of a shield.

“Whoa, yeah! Ya got it! Way to go!” Aggie clapped excitedly.

I gave him a halfhearted grin. “Guess that wasn’t so bad.”

I showed off my shield for a few seconds longer before letting it subside and the magic creep back inside of me. I felt winded from even that small display.

“Now we just gotta get yer speed up, and maybe yer stamina, too.”

Yeah, of course we do. I had no room to argue. Magic took a lot out of me. I had to get stronger.