Take 4 - Sleeping Sickness

“C-clearly... clearly, that’s what I meant,” I laughed, patting his shoulder. “I guess the lack of sleep’s making me a bit dumber.”

“Didn’t know you could get any dumber, Haruka.”

“Ha! I always have something to surprise you with, right?” I said as I opened the door. I was about to step inside, but I felt his hand grip my wrist tightly.

“Hey, why do you keep playing dumb?” he asked, squeezing even harder.
I got it—it was frustration, not anger.

“Come on, Agami, when have I ever made you worry?”

“Since the day I met you.”

“That’s an exaggeration, and you know it.”

“Exaggeration? You almost blew up my house by leaving the gas on with your brilliant idea of ‘trapping fire in a glass.’”

“Oh, come on! I was young and stupid…” I said, waving him off.

“Haruka, that was two years ago.”

“Uh… well… hard to argue with that. But you know, we’re not kids anymore. If something was up… if something was up, you’d be the first person I would run to.”

If you could see a waveform of my voice right then, it’d look more like a lie detector’s scribbles from some movie than a steady series of waves.
I knew him as well as he knew me. He knew a word or two wasn’t enough, but for now… for now, that’s all we had.
It’s all I could give.

“You promise?” he asked, letting go of my wrist.

“Huh? What is this, one of those cheap dramas I didn’t sign up for?” I asked, pretending to look at imaginary cameras.

“Haruka, just say it.”

I know what you’re thinking: 'It’s simple,' 'It’s just two words.'
I dare you to stand in my shoes. Try it. It’s like watching a cup fall to the floor and believing it won’t shatter.

“God, you're such a drama queen...” I said with a forced laugh. Pretending all the time was hard, and pretending alone in front of him was even harder. “I promise… idiot.”

“You’re the idiot.” he replied, shoving me.

“Dickhead…”

Agami burst out laughing. It was honestly painful to watch because I knew those two words were enough to calm him down.
Just like I knew those two words were me lying to, maybe, the only person who cared about me this much.

“Wanna do something? I don't know… I can run downstairs and grab my console. Maybe you’re carrying too much stress, playing something might clear your head.”

“Maybe tomorrow…” I said, tapping his arm. “I’m really wiped out today.”

“...Got it…”

He was the kind of guy who’d climb through my window like some action movie hero if I texted him saying I needed help. I couldn’t blame him for worrying—I was acting like an idiot.
Even after I closed the door, I could see his shadow lingering under it for a moment.
Maybe he thought I’d open it again.
Maybe he was just trying to make sure of something.

Probably—not probably, definitely—it wasn’t the best decision, even if my house was small, seeing  it empty, silent and dark… I don’t think I’d been this scared of the dark I was a kid.
And yeah, I know, there’s nothing in the dark… maybe that’s what really scared me.

“Damn, I should’ve swapped contacts with Iori. At least I’d know how things went out with those two...” I said, flicking the light switch.
Please take note: talking out loud doesn’t seem crazy when you’re in your own house.
“Well… tomorr—” My voice got cut off.

Karma’s a lie, and life’s not a wheel, either any of that hippie mumbo jumbo, but damn, sometimes it loves to mess with you.
Ever felt what it’s like to throw up when you haven’t eaten all day?
The way your muscles clench inside, the pressure in your chest, the burning at the back of your throat.
I rushed to the bathroom as fast as I could. It felt like I was vomiting my organs. It hurt more than I can even explain. I couldn’t even keep my eyes open, and the cold creeping up my spine made me shake.
I’m telling you, karma’s a lie, but if it was real, this would be its way of laughing—making me vomit what I wasn’t saying.

“Looks like someone’s getting useless, huh…” I muttered, sitting on the floor, wiping the sweat from my forehead as I spoke to the pill bottle I felt through my pocket.

I felt weak but still pulled myself up, gripping the sink.
I could’ve gone to bed and tried to sleep and yeah, I know, letting my mom clean up my mess would be a new kind of low, but I could’ve made an excuse. If I hadn’t tossed the beer bottle, I could’ve said I got drunk or something like that.

“Hah… I'm really…”

My voice just trailed off as I watched the water from the faucet carry away the blood staining the sink, for some reason, I wasn’t scared seeing it, like I thought I’d be, I just felt overwhelmingly sad.
No matter how tightly it sticked to the marble, the water inevitably washed the blood away, and then it was like nothing had happened.

I guess I’m not really scared of the dark or the emptiness in this house. I could say I’m scared because I’m going to die, but that’s obvious.
The truth is, I may just be scared of sleeping, of living, really—of living with the certainty that I’ll never find the right words to explain how…

“…I’m really breaking down…” I murmured, washing my face.

I’ve always had this awful habit of daydreaming, even now. I lost count of how many times Agami smacked me on the head for not paying attention.
Then again I guess I’m always dreaming, but dreaming too late.
I dream things could work out, even just a little, like I want them to, but it always ends the same.

And speaking of dreams, no, dreams don’t help at all, but they do stop the hurt more than the pills, so I guess for now, I’ll have to figure my way with that.

I let the pills fall one by one into the sink, and just like the blood, the water carried them away like they’d never been there.