Trouble in Paradise

As we set off the next morning, I wondered how many people might be converging on the same location. Paelyn lagged behind, and more than once Ori made me stop and wait. I endeavored to convey encouragement and conceal my impatience, but I refused to slacken my pace.

We were almost a day behind, twelve hours at a minimum, and it was impossible to know if we had any chance at all of catching up. When we stopped to wait at the top of a steep climb, Ori mentioned that she had checked for Lilian on the map, but found she was no longer in our party.

“I noticed that too,” I said.

“Do you think she’ll be there?”

I nodded, “but don’t expect a friendly reunion.”

“She'd better be. We never got our share of the treasure.”

“I’m afraid there might not be shares,” I said. I regretted not questioning Lilian about it before but now counted it as good as lost.

“Then I’ll make her give it to you,” she said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because you earned it!” she said adamantly.

“I doubt she sees it that way,” I objected.

“Then she has another thing coming,” said Ori.

I couldn’t help but smile.

“What?”

“We were somewhere about here when we got the notice,” I said, changing the subject. Paelyn was close now, and we pressed on.

At last we arrived. Ahead of us was a kind of stone structure, and above the doorway was a warning. “Danger ahead: be advised you may not be able to turn back beyond this point. Recommended level 15 or higher,” Ori read with increasing animation. “What level are you again?” she asked.

“Two, but I’ll be fine,” I said, forcing a laugh. Truthfully, it did unnerve me, but fearful or not, it made no difference. I would see Ori through to the last challenge, no matter how far I fell behind.

As Ori stepped through the entrance, my eye caught a glint of something up in the darkness. I pulled her back just as a huge python struck at her. The snake slumped onto the ground below the doorway, but before it could escape to safety, Ori had unleashed her attack, and the serpent curled up, lifeless. I checked that there were no others before waving in my companions.

We entered the dark dungeon single file, working our way with cautious steps, until we came to a great, wide room. There in the middle of a bloody pentagram lay a huge goblin in a pool of blood. I approached it, slowly nudging the corpse with my foot.

“As we suspected. Someone’s been here already,” I said.

“Then we have no time to lose,” said Ori.

From there we hurried on, at times splitting up to find the path forward. We raced down, floor after floor, but besides a few straggling enemies, everything had been cleared and every puzzle already solved. At last I heard the sound of battle echoing up the stairway, which filled me with excitement and trepidation.

“They’re just ahead,” I said, as Ori came up beside me.

Ori only nodded, and started down the stairs. I glanced back for Paelyn, then followed after Ori. We came into a large room just as the battle was ending. Among the combatants were Lilian and Sammy, Ori’s two former allies–Youssef and Martin, and Hashi’s party. There was a moment of awkwardness as they all turned to look at us. 

Hashi stepped forward. “Hey guys, glad you could join us,” he said in a friendly tone. He offered his hand, which I shook against my every inclination. “I’ll give you the same deal I gave the others. Since we’re all here doing this thing together, we might as well cooperate. Then, at the end, we’ll draw lots to see who gets to claim the promotion. Sound fair?”

“That sounds more than fair,” said Ori. “Won’t the others be upset about that? You did make it this far without us.”

“Did you ever hear the parable of the workers in the vineyard?” he asked.

Ori shook her head.

“Once there was a winemaker with a grand vineyard. In the morning he went out and hired a group of laborers to harvest his grapes, offering them the standard daily wage. Now all throughout the day he went out and hired more and more laborers at different times, into the evening. When evening came he paid them all the same wage, whether they came in the morning or only worked a single hour. Those that came in the morning complained, but the winemaker says, ‘Didn’t I give you what I promised?’” Hashi looked at us with a strange smile. Ori left it to me to give an answer.

“Do you mind if I speak with Lilian for a moment?” I asked.

“Sure,” said Hashi. “Hey Lilian, your friends would like a word.”

Lilian came over, looking annoyed. “I don’t much like it, but I agreed to the terms, and I suggest you do the same so we can get out of here before anyone else shows up.”

“Lilian, I have a really bad feeling about this. Hashi isn’t a good guy. He could have opened the gate.”

“I don’t know what you’re saying, but come on, and quit wasting time.”

“No, listen. He lied during the tutorial. He could have opened the gate and chose not to.”

Lilian paused for a moment. I could see her wavering, then she turned. “That was a long time ago, and people change. Stay or leave–make up your mind." I sighed. Without Lilian’s support, I didn’t dare to openly refuse Hashi’s offer. Just then, Paelyn shuffled into the hall.

“She’s with us,” I said, not knowing what else to say.

“No problem,” said Hashi. “She can have a share too. The more the merrier. Alright everyone, let’s move out!”

“Do you want to turn back?” Ori asked, when we were out of earshot of the others.

“No, this is too important, we have to keep going, but keep your guard up. I know Hashi won’t settle for an 8% chance at that promotion. He’ll rig the lottery if he hasn’t gotten rid of us before.”

With this formidable assemblage, most of the rooms were cleared in mere seconds, and there was nothing for me to do but watch. Ori was using her spells frequently both to attack and heal those with injuries. I told her to conserve her mana, but she was quick to respond that the others had been fighting all morning, and it was only natural that as reinforcements we should assist where we could.

We made steady progress over the next hour, descending a few more floors, until we came at last to a narrow hallway. Hashi’s party had torches, but the darkness of the passageway was strangely thick, and we stumbled over each other in the dark. Minutes passed. Finally the more impatient among the group started to grumble. How far had we walked? Some said a quarter mile, others more. Suddenly I noticed something strange, a small red light high above us. It gave off no light, and unless you looked very near it, you couldn’t see it. I pointed it out to Ori.

“What do you think it means?” I whispered.

“I don’t know.”

I was debating whether to share my discovery when someone else pointed out the light.

“Do you suppose we could hit it with something?” Ori pondered.

“Where’s Sam?” I asked.

There was no answer.

“Sam?” I repeated.

“He’s over here,” I heard Youssef say.

“Yeah, what?” said Sam.

“Shoot that red light with your bow,” I said.

“Why should I?”

“It might be how we get out of here,” I said.

“Go on,” said Hashi.

Even in the low light I thought Sam looked nervous. He notched an arrow and drew back the bow. With a twang, the arrow disappeared into the darkness.

“There,” he said, putting the bow back on his shoulder.

“You missed,” I said.

“I didn’t miss, you just couldn’t see it.”

“I’d have seen it if you hadn’t missed. Do it again.”

“I’m not doing it again,” said Sam. “I told you–I hit it.”

I grabbed Sam by the collar.

“Let go of him!” said Ori.

“Do you want me to try?” asked Paelyn.

“Please,” I said, letting go of Sam.

Paelyn took out her bow and shot an arrow into the air. Again the arrow vanished.

“Too low,” said Paelyn. She notched another arrow.

“How do you know that?” I asked.

“I can see pretty well in the dark,” she said.

She drew back the bow and launched another arrow into the sky. This time I saw it. The red light flickered, faded out, and turned green. At the same time, the strange darkness of the hallway vanished, and up ahead of us was a door.

“Wait, where are Sam and Yousseff?” asked Ori, looking around.

“They must have walked off. I bet they're still trapped in the hall,” I chuckled.

“Don’t worry,” said Hashi. “We’ll wait for them in the next room.”

I glanced at Ori, but she turned away from me. A fine time to be petty, I thought.

In the next room we found an empty dining hall decorated with tapestries. We sat down at the table and Hashi did a headcount. “It seems it’s just the three of them missing,” he said. “I’ll go scout ahead, while we wait for them.”

“We can’t let our guard down,” I said to Ori in a low voice, partly to test her response.

Ori said nothing and continued staring at the table.

“Is there something you’re mad about?” I asked.

“You shouldn’t treat people that way,” she said.

“He’s literally betrayed us before,” I replied in a loud whisper.

“I wasn’t talking about him,” said Ori.

“Sam? He was lying to my face, and it just–”

“He didn’t lie,” said Ori.

“Yes he did. He said he shot the light.”

“That doesn’t mean he lied.”

“He’s a ranger. If he wanted to hit it he would have hit it,” I said.

“You don’t know that. It was dark, and even if he did lie, that’s no excuse to get rough with him.”

I sighed. “I’m sorry I grabbed Sam, okay?”

“I’m not the one that deserves the apology,” said Ori.

I rolled my eyes. I noticed Lilian was watching us and giggling to herself.

It was another twenty minutes before the door opened and the three stragglers walked in. Ori was the first to greet them. They talked for some time, and at last I decided to join them, ostensibly to apologize to Sam, but also to hear what they were saying. As I approached, they fell silent.

“Hey Sam, I wanted to apologize for grabbing you back there. Even if I was right about the puzzle, I shouldn’t have let myself get heated in the moment.”

“Yeah, whatever,” said Sam.

“I’d expect better from Ori’s boyfriend,” said Youssef. “I know she does too.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” said Ori, “and I shouldn’t have said he was. I abandoned you guys, and then to make matters worse, I lied about why I did it. I hope you guys can forgive me.”

“Of course, Ori,” said Youssef. He pulled her into a hug, glaring at me all the while. As the others crowded around her, I walked away.

“Trouble in paradise?” asked Lilian with a wry smile.

I scoffed. “Pretty sure I’m in hell.”

I noticed Hashi had returned. After a few minutes Ori came over. She was smiling–evidently she was ready to make up.

“Hey!”

“What’s up?” I said, mustering a weak smile.

“I just finished talking to the guys. They want to form a new party with both of us.”

“And what did you say?” I asked.

“I said I’d love to, but that I’d have to talk to you first.”

“Well I wouldn’t love to, so you can tell them thanks or whatever, but it’s not happening.”

“Why are you being like that?”

“Like what?” I asked.

“So controlling? Honestly you remind me of…You’re not my boyfriend.”

“I never said I was.”

“But you’re controlling who can join our party.”

“Yes, I want to be in a party with people that I like. I don’t want to be in a party with them because I don’t like them.”

“They need our help. You don’t get to keep me all to yourself, Bastian. I want to help other people, not just you.”

I chuckled. “So you’re the one helping me?” I asked.

“Why don’t you remind me which of us has a real class and which of us is a useless goblin?” asked Ori. I’d heard her get heated before, but I’d never been on the receiving end.

“You want new charity work? Fine. I don’t need to be a part of it. There’s only so much deadweight one can carry at a time,” I said, getting up.

“Wait! Bastian,” Ori caught my arm. I broke away. “Wait, please, Bastian I’m sorry, Bastian please!” Suddenly she was sobbing and clinging to my arm. “I shouldn’t have said that! I’m so sorry! You aren’t deadweight! Please…”

I took a deep breath. “Okay, whatever, we can do your little circus party, what do I care…”

“Really?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

"You're the best!" she said, squeezing me.

Hashi announced that it was time to keep moving. He led us on for some time, but I couldn’t say how long–I was too busy replaying Ori’s words in my mind. At last we came to a fork, and there Hashi stopped.

“What’s the matter?” Youssef asked.

“This is as far as I got. From here on I’m as blind as the rest of you,” he said.

“Well, pick a way, and we’ll follow you,” Youssef said.

“Perhaps we should split up,” Hashi suggested.

“Alright, but I'm picking which way we go,” said Youssef. 

“By all means,” said Hashi, “but hadn’t we better start by dividing the group?”

Before long the groups were settled. Hashi’s party and Lilian would go one way and the rest of us the other. I could sense treachery, but I didn’t want to raise suspicion. 

I pulled Paelyn aside. “I’m sure he’s taken us to a dead end. As soon as we turn the corner, my guess is they’ll be running the other way.”

“What do you want to do?” she asked.

“We’ll have to try and follow them without their knowing,” I said. “With your help, I think we can pull this off.”

“We’ll go left!” Youssef announced.

“Alright,” said Hashi.

“No, we’ll go right!” said Youssef.

Hashi shrugged. “Fine.”

“No, we’ll go left. Come on guys,” he said.

“We’ll turn the corner and wait,” I whispered to Paelyn.

We were almost to the end of the hall when suddenly the ground shook. A moment later the floor became a chute and we slid down into a dark room.

“Is everyone okay?” I heard Ori ask, as I staggered up from the pile. I could tell from the acoustics that we were in a small room. The only light came from the hole down which we had fallen.

“That rotten Hashi, he tricked me into going left!” said Youssef.

I examined the wall and found that while it was solid most of the way around, there was an opening on one side about waist height and crawled in. I couldn’t see anything. Suddenly I bumped face first into something.

“Ow!” I heard a voice say–a voice I knew well.

“Lilian, is that you?” I asked.

“I hate you,” said Lilian.

“What did I do? I tried to warn you.”

“Would you just back up?”

“I can but there’s nothing back there except all Ori’s goofy friends.”

“I need to talk to Sam.”

“Sam? Why Sam?” I asked.

“Would you just hurry up?”

“Okay, okay” I said. I started crawling backward, when suddenly I felt something soft against my butt.

“Ah!” came a high-pitched scream.

“What’s happening?” asked Lilian.

“What’s going on in there?” Yousseff demanded.

“It sounds like Bastian is in there with Ori and Lilian,” said Paelyn.

Feeling nothing behind me, I tried to crawl backwards, but again ran ass first into Ori’s face, who again let out a shriek. At the same time Lilian, crawling forward, bumped face-first into me in a half-kiss.

“Stop sticking your butt in my face!” Ori yelled.

“Don’t kiss me!” shouted Lilian at the same time.

“Bastian, you sick sexual delinquant!” yelled Youssef.

“Just tell me when it’s safe to back up!” I shouted.

When at last we got out of the crawl space Lilian asked for Sam. The room fell silent.

“He was here just a minute ago,” said Ori.

“Sam!” Lilian yelled.

Suddenly we heard distant laughter echoing down the skylight. As we looked up, the light shaft was obscured by a head.

“Sam, how’d you get up there?” asked Lilian.

“Easy, I just used my new powers you gave me,” he said with a chuckle.

“What is he talking about?” I asked.

“Come down here and help us out!” Lilian demanded.

“Sorry, Lilian, I hate to do this, but Hashi was very clear not to help any of you out of there. Bye now!”

There was a general outcry of pleading, but Sam disappeared, followed by the retreating sound of his laughter.

“Lilian, what does he mean by his new powers?”

“Can we not talk about this now?” she asked.

“When would you like to talk about it?” I asked.

“Okay fine, I gave him the scroll I got from the skeleton king.”

“What was the scroll?” I asked.

“It…let you change your class,” said Lilian.

“Wait…why didn’t you give that to me? You–you must realize–that would have meant everything to me!”

“I was going to give it to you but then…” she trailed off. “Can we talk about this later?” Her voice had totally shifted. She sounded quiet now, even regretful.

“Fine,” I said, remembering what had happened afterward which she might not want to discuss publicly.

We focused our efforts on escaping, but it soon became clear that as a group we were ill-suited to the task. We thought we had a breakthrough when Paelyn remembered she had a rope, but we soon realized that a rope alone, without something like a grappling hook, wouldn’t do much good.

“I guess we’ll get out of here when the door opens,” said Paelyn with a sigh.

“What do you mean?” I asked. "What door?"

“It says so right there,” she said, pointing to the wall.

Lilian lit a candle. “This door will open twenty-four hours after the floor collapses,” Lilian read.

“Oh, well that’s good news,” said Paelyn.

“No, it isn’t. Hashi will have claimed the promotion by then,” said Lilian, gritting her teeth.

“If only I had a class with real abilities…”

“We agreed to talk about that later,” said Lilian.

“Wait, I have an idea,” I said.

“Don’t say that, you’ll get my hopes up,” said Lilian.

“I know it sounds crazy but here me out. What if I barrel shot you out?”

“What do you mean barrel shot me out?” asked Lilian.

“What if I used barrel shot on you?”

“Why would that work?”

“Why does it work on anything? Game physics are weird.”

“Fine,” said Lilian.

“There is one thing, which you’re not gonna love…” I said.

“What’s that?”

“For this to work,” I said, “I’m gonna have to squeeze your butt.”

“You’re making this up…” said Lilian.

“No, it’s true. The harder I squeeze the stone the farther it flies. I assume the same principle applies here.”

“If this doesn’t work I will murder you,” said Lilian.

Paelyn gave her the rope and everyone else stood back as much as possible.

As I picked Lilian up, I was amazed by how light she felt. It dawned on me that I could probably add some traditional force by trying to throw her at the same time.

“Ready?” I asked.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” said Lilian.

I shifted my hands to cup her buttocks. “Ready?” I repeated, hesitating to dig my fingers into the soft flesh.

“Would you just do it already!?” she shouted.

“Okay, here we go!”

As hard as I could, I squeezed Lilian’s ass, threw her into the air, and equipped the barrels. It was a tricky timing, but one I had practiced many times before. I staggered as Lilian and my barrels shot apart, and she flew up into the light. For a moment I couldn’t tell if she’d made it, then I saw her pull herself up and disappear over the edge.