Chapter 14 Goblins, Glare, and an Unexpected Barbecue

Before I throw you into the next round of chaos, let me get something off my chest: this world has magic. Yes, honest-to-goodness, sparkle-in-the-air, hocus-pocus magic. But—before you roll your eyes and picture fireballs flying everywhere—guess what? You’ve barely seen any of the girls in my house actually use it.

You know why? Because the four of them—Queen, Lucy, Lily and Urara—have been freeloading in my house for months without giving me a single coin. Not one. Zero. Zilch. And during all that time they could have impressed me with a flashy spell or two, but nope. Magic here isn’t a simple finger-snap trick. It’s more like trying to conduct a complicated science experiment while juggling watermelons and maybe a live goat.

Take the Queen for example. She can do water magic. Sounds elegant, right? But to actually pull it off she needs a large water source within ten metres and her body strength has to be above level 80. Imagine training at the gym like a professional weightlifter just so you can splash someone dramatically.

Lucy’s no different. Her signature move—something with a fancy name like Sword Fire Dance—demands that she first eat over a kilogram of ridiculously spicy food. I’m not talking “medium spicy curry,” I mean the sort of molten lava that makes grown men cry and beg the gods for mercy. Only after surviving that gastronomic torture can she ignite her blade.

And Lily and Urara? Their wind element is still a mystery. Maybe if they jumped off a building and flapped their arms like desperate pigeons, something might happen. Not that I’m encouraging that. Well… not loudly, anyway.

So yeah, magic exists, but most folks here stick to a nice, quiet, non-flammable lifestyle. This world might be a weird isekai fantasy, but it’s one where science experiments are easier than magic spells.

Today’s “great idea” started with Lily announcing, “Let’s hunt goblins in Bone Woods.”

“Bone… what now?” I asked, half-convinced she was joking.

“Bone Woods,” she repeated. “Good place for high-level goblins.”

“Is it called that because of, you know… bones?” I tried.

“Probably,” Urara said, shrugging like someone who’d never heard a bedtime story in her life.

Turned out my guess was spot-on. The moment we stepped into that gloomy forest, I understood the name. Skeletons were everywhere. Not human ones—at least I hoped not—but the bleached remains of beasts, trees that looked like ribs, and occasional skulls grinning from the undergrowth. Nothing screams “Welcome!” like a forest decorated with free-range bones.

I had my trusty gun. Lily carried her sword like she was born to swing it. Urara… well, she had her fists and optimism, which sometimes worked out better than actual weapons.

“Straight ahead,” Lily whispered. “This trail leads deeper. Goblins like to ambush travellers.”

“Oh, great,” I muttered. “Love a good ambush before lunch.”

We moved in. The deeper we went, the thicker the mist grew until the world turned into a grey soup. That’s when the first goblin troop leapt out—snarling, green, and ugly enough to make onions weep.

Everything turned into a blur. Lily’s sword flashed; Urara punched like a human catapult; I fired my gun. The first wave fell quickly, but then I spotted them—a few high-rank goblins, larger, meaner, and with a smug confidence that suggested they had eaten adventurers for breakfast.

I aimed and fired. The first goblin staggered… but didn’t fall.

Bang. Bang. Bang.

Still standing.

“Uh… little problem!” I yelled.

“What?” Lily shouted, slicing through another attacker.

“They’re… not dying! Do these things have a warranty?”

I fired again. My heart sank as I realised the awful truth. The system had neglected a very important piece of information: each high-rank goblin needed TEN bullets. Ten! And guess who didn’t pack that many?

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!” I screamed, squeezing the trigger until the gun clicked empty.

The goblins advanced. Their teeth glistened like bad dental advertisements.

“Run!” I bellowed.

We ran. And not the heroic kind of run you see in epic paintings—this was the arms-flailing, high-pitched, undignified kind. Urara shrieked something about “never signing up for cardio.” Lily cursed the forest. I simply yelled, “WHY IS THIS CALLED BONE WOODS? OH RIGHT, BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE PEOPLE DIE!”

Branches whipped our faces, roots tried to trip us, and the goblins howled behind like a badly tuned choir.

Then we burst into a clearing and skidded to a halt.

“Oh no,” Urara whispered.

A massive white bear stood there, blocking the path. Its fur shimmered like snow under moonlight, but its eyes burned with a fire that screamed predator on steroids.

Before I could even raise my empty gun, the bear opened its jaws and unleashed a breath of FIRE.

“Since when do bears do that?!” I yelped, ducking behind a rock.

Urara reacted first, shoving me out of the direct flame. The heat singed the tip of my hair anyway. Lily dashed forward, her sword a silver blur, aiming for the beast’s eyes.

Her blade struck—but only managed to injure one eye. The bear roared, a sound so deep it rattled the bones that decorated the woods. And that was when things went from bad to “why do I even leave the house?”

The ground trembled. Rocks shifted. A landslide started above us.

“Oh come on!” I cried, as the earth itself betrayed us.

We had no time to think. The slope gave way and the three of us were swept downward, tumbling like clothes in a very angry washing machine. Dirt, stones, and shattered branches blurred past.

I caught a glimpse of the bear—now even angrier—charging after us as if gravity itself was its personal servant.

My brain, in its infinite wisdom, offered a single thought: this is a really stupid way to die.

And then—just as the forest floor rushed up like a giant wooden hammer—my system interface popped up, glowing bright blue against the chaos.

KILLED 1 WHITE WILD BEAR
REWARD: TELEPORT SKILL – USE 5 TIMES

“What?!” I yelled, wind whipping my face. “We killed it? We didn’t even—”

No time for questions. I slammed the accept button mid-air.

A flash of blinding light swallowed us.

The next thing I knew, we were standing safely on a mossy patch of ground, the rush of the landslide echoing somewhere far below. My heart hammered like a war drum.

Urara staggered upright, hair full of leaves. “Did… did we just… teleport?”

“Apparently,” I panted. Thanks to a system that finally decided to be useful.

Lily brushed mud from her cheek and sheathed her sword. “Well, that was… educational.”

“Educational?” I gasped. “Lily, we nearly became bear snacks and rock soup!”

She smirked. “But we learned the bear could breathe fire. That’s science.”

I groaned and flopped onto the moss. The system message hovered in front of me again, glowing cheerfully as if we hadn’t just nearly died.

Still 2 high-class goblins to kill…

I covered my face with my hands. “Great. Two more. And I’m out of bullets.”

Urara giggled nervously. “At least you have a teleport skill now.”

I cannot say her I can use more 2 times since I carried these 3 so 3 uses done.1 person 1 use. Cause system now showing only 2 sues left. Damn it.

The forest around us grew quiet again, but it wasn’t the peaceful kind of quiet. It was the we’re-not-done-with-you-yet quiet. Somewhere out there, two high-class goblins were waiting. And after everything we’d just survived, I was starting to think Bone Woods was living up to its name a little too well.

Lily, ever the strategist, pointed west. “The elders say the west forest has more goblin nests.”

“That’s reassuring,” I said. “Do they also say how many bullets per goblin?”

She ignored me. Typical.

The Ambush of Twenty Goblins:

We moved through the forest with the kind of caution usually reserved for tax audits. I decided to use the only weapon left that didn’t require ammunition: my brain.

“Here’s the plan,” I whispered, crouching behind a tangle of twisted trees. “I’ll aim for their eyes. Blind goblins are basically big green bowling pins. When they start screaming and waving around like bad karaoke singers, Urara, you punch them into next week. Lily, you slice anything still breathing.”

Urara grinned, fists tightening. “Sounds fun.”

Lily gave me a side-eye. “Please don’t miss.”

“No pressure,” I muttered.

From a distance, goblins all look like identical cousins from a very ugly family reunion. High-class? Low-class? Same shade of moldy green, same suspicious smell. We couldn’t tell who was who, so we just… well… killed everything.

The forest soon echoed with the sound of gunfire, the metallic clang of Lily’s sword, and Urara’s delighted war cries. It turned into the worst improv rock concert ever—complete with my frustrated shouts of “Stop moving, you green idiots!”

By the time the dust cleared, twenty goblins lay scattered like discarded vegetables after a bad farmer’s market. My trigger finger was numb. Urara was bouncing like she’d just won a lottery. Lily, annoyingly composed, was cleaning her blade on a leaf.

Finally, the system chimed with its signature smugness:

“CONGRATULATIONS!”

“KILLED 3 HIGH-CLASS GOBLINS.”

“REWARD: CAR READY NEAR YOUR HOUSE.”

“TOTAL SKILL POINTS: 47.”

“3 MORE POINTS AND SYSTEM WILL UPGRADE ITSELF.”

I blinked. “By the way what this car it going to run on—goblin tears? Goblin oil? Goblin… guts?”

We then set up Campfire Banter

With the quota finally met, we set up camp under a cluster of ancient pines. A small fire flickered, warm against the night air. Urara skewered a rabbit we’d caught earlier, humming happily like this was some cheerful picnic instead of a post-slaughter dinner. I use my special system spices I took with me. Glad even after this chaos these spices are okay. Afterall I have system bag hahahaha.

I stretched out, staring at the stars. “You know,” I said, “for a world with magic, we spend a lot of time doing manual labor.”

“That’s because magic here is like cooking complicated science experiments,” Urara replied, turning the spit. “Remember? Conditions, rituals, ridiculous requirements—Queen needs a ten-meter water source and body strength level eighty just to splash someone.”

Lily chuckled. “And my sister needs to eat a kilo of molten hot food to set my sword on fire. Honestly, it’s easier to just… use the sword normally.”

I sighed. So basically, this is a weird fantasy world where everyone is too lazy to meet the recipe requirements. No wonder magic is rarer than a polite goblin.

We were halfway through the rabbit meat when a low rustling came from the lake nearby. A ripple of dark aura followed—a presence that made the hairs on my arms stand up.

I reached for my gun. “Something’s coming.”

Urara tightened her fists. Lily unsheathed her sword with a soft metallic hiss.

The silhouette approaching the water looked huge. My stomach did a nervous somersault. Great. Another wild beast. Maybe one that breathed lightning this time.

“Stay behind me,” Lily whispered.

The figure stepped into the moonlight.

“…Ahh,” I exhaled. “It’s just the Queen.”

Royal Entrance, Zero Apology

Queen strode across the clearing like a catwalk model who’d taken a wrong turn into a horror movie. Her usual regal glare was dialed up to “about to tax you for breathing.”

“How did you even find us?” I asked, lowering my gun. “And more importantly, why are you sneaking around like a serial killer?”

She crossed her arms. “You disappeared from the house. No note. No dinner invitation. Do you expect me to wait politely while you chase goblins?”

“Uh, yes?”

Her eyes narrowed. I quickly reconsidered. “I mean… no?”

Apparently she’d gone straight to Lucy when she couldn’t find us. Lucy, who was outside the capital, had used telepathy magic—a kind of invisible magical wire—because in this world mobile phones are still a dream but long-distance brain calls are apparently standard for royals. The Queen, armed with this mental GPS, had tracked us all the way to Bone Woods.

“Also,” she added, “someone told me Lily was seen heading here. And if Lily is involved, trouble follows.”

Lily sniffed. “Rude.”

I, in a rare attempt at diplomacy, tried to lighten the mood. “Well, Your Majesty, since you’re here, how about joining our rabbit barbecue?”

The Queen sniffed. “Rabbit? Sure!”

I suddenly remember fish barbecue…and said it unconsciously.

The moment the word “fish” left my mouth, I realized my mistake. Three pairs of eyes lit up—Queen’s, Lily’s, and Urara’s—like children promised unlimited candy. Their mouths practically watered in unison.

“Oh no,” I muttered. “I see that look. Don’t you dare—”

“Fish,” the Queen repeated, her voice a velvet threat. “Cook for us. Please.”

It wasn’t really a request. More like an imperial decree disguised as a flirt.

For the first time since I’d met her, the Queen decided to show off actual magic. She stepped gracefully to the edge of the moonlit lake, her royal gown catching the silvery light.

Because she’d stuffed herself with enough rabbit to qualify as a midnight feast, her energy level had finally reached whatever arbitrary bar the world demanded. A faint blue glow pulsed around her hands.

Then—whoosh!—the lake answered. Water swirled into a shimmering whirlpool. Blue sparkles danced across the surface like liquid stars. A moment later, a flurry of fat, glittering fish leapt from the water and landed neatly on the shore as if volunteering for dinner.

Lily clapped like an overexcited child. Urara’s eyes were round as saucers.

“Now that,” I admitted, “is how you fish without getting your boots wet.”

The Queen turned back to me with a triumphant smile. “Darling,” she said sweetly, “cook for me, please.”

I almost dropped my gun. “Darling?”

Urara elbowed me, grinning. Lily smirked. The teasing in their eyes could power a small city.

“Fine,” I muttered, gathering the fish. “But you three are washing the dishes.”

The Goblin Hunt Ends… for Now

The night settled around us in a warm glow of firelight and teasing laughter. Fish sizzled over the flames, releasing a mouthwatering aroma that almost—almost—made me forget the day’s chaos.

Somewhere beyond the trees, Bone Woods whispered with the quiet of defeated monsters. The system’s quest tracker finally rested, its digital appetite for goblin blood satisfied—for now.

I stretched, letting the crackle of the campfire drown out the memory of twenty screaming goblins. For tonight, at least, we weren’t adventurers or accidental heroes. We were just a mismatched family roasting fish under a sky full of indifferent stars.

Of course, knowing my luck, tomorrow the system would probably announce something like:

“NEW QUEST: TAME THREE DRAGON LAWYERS. REWARD: SPACE SUBMARINE.”

But that was a problem for future me.

For now, I just poked the fire, inhaled the smoky scent of fresh-caught fish, and tried not to grin when the Queen, cheeks flushed from magic and moonlight, looked at me as if daring me to complain.

Our goblin journey had ended—not with a climactic battle cry, but with a midnight barbecue, the soft lapping of lake water, and the quiet certainty that trouble, like magic, was never really far away.