Chapter 69: The Glimmer of False Hope

The return to the Adventurer’s Guild was not the triumphant march of heroes. It was more like the world’s saddest parade, a procession of failure led by a man who looked like he’d been tarred, feathered, and then rolled through a fairy’s glitter collection. Silas, smelling faintly of swamp and regret, walked with the stiff posture of someone trying very hard to pretend he wasn’t the center of attention. Behind him, Kenji hauled baskets of glowing fungus with the proud air of a merchant returning from the Silk Road, while Yui skipped along, trying and failing to hold Silas’s filth-caked hand.

They approached the quest counter, where a bored-looking half-elf woman named Lyra was sharpening her nails with a dagger, an expression of profound ennui etched onto her features.

“Quest completion report for the ‘Strange Noises in the Dank Cesspit Caverns,’” Kenji announced, slamming a meticulously detailed, 20-page document onto the counter with a loud thud. The report was bound in woven leaves. “All objectives met. Hostile entities neutralized-via strategic partnership. Assets acquired.” He gestured proudly to the baskets of moss, which pulsed with a gentle, otherworldly light.

Lyra stopped filing her nails. She blinked slowly, her gaze traveling from the ridiculously thick report to the glowing fungus, then finally landing on the glitter-sludge-covered Silas. Her expression didn't change, but a single, perfectly sculpted eyebrow rose a fraction of a millimeter. “You… neutralized them… with a partnership?”

“Indeed,” Kenji said smugly. “A landmark trade agreement. I have here a legally binding contract, signed by the kobold chieftain, establishing the Tanaka Goblin Conglomerate as the exclusive surface-world distributor of their prime phosphorescent moss.”

The guild hall, which had been buzzing with the usual chatter of adventurers boasting about slain beasts and looted treasure, fell utterly silent. You could hear a pin drop. Then, a large, bearded barbarian in the corner let out a snort so violent he sprayed ale all over the back of the man in front of him.

Lyra picked up the contract with two fingers, as if it might be contaminated. She stared at the inky claw-print next to Kenji’s neat signature. “So… you didn’t kill them?”

Silas’s eye twitched. The phantom fly chose that moment to do a celebratory loop-the-loop by his ear. “The situation was… resolved amicably,” he ground out, each word a struggle.

“He was magnificent!” Yui chirped, beaming at the silent, staring crowd. “My precious person fell down so bravely, and then the little dog-people got scared and gave us presents!”

A wave of snickering rippled through the hall. The bearded barbarian was now being pounded on the back by his companion as he choked with laughter. Someone else whispered, “The dog-people gave them presents?” and the snickering evolved into open, rumbling chuckles.

“Right…” Lyra said, her professional mask finally cracking into a faint, cruel smile. She slowly pushed a pitifully small pile of copper coins across the counter. “Well. A completion is a completion, I guess. Here’s your reward. Don’t spend it all in one place.”

The Precious Friends Adventure Squad, LLC, had officially become the laughingstock of the Aethelgard Adventurer’s Guild.

“I told you this was a goldmine!” Kenji declared later that afternoon. His optimism was a force of nature. He had set up a makeshift stall in the corner of the main market square, using an overturned crate as a display table. Piles of the phosphorescent moss were arranged in what he called “aesthetically pleasing mounds.” He had a large, hand-painted sign that read: “TANAKA’S SUBLIME SUBTERRANEAN LUMINANCE - LIGHT UP YOUR LIFE, LITERALLY! (NO REFUNDS, ALL SALES FINAL, BUYER ASSUMES ALL RISK OF SUDDEN FUNGAL GROWTH).”

The venture was not going well.

Most people gave the stall a wide berth. A stray dog had tried to pee on the sign before Yui scared it off by roaring at it. An old woman had poked the moss with her cane and asked if it was a cure for gout.

“The market is simply uneducated!” Kenji huffed, adjusting his moss tie. “They don’t understand the artisanal value! This isn’t just light; it’s an experience! It’s rustic, it’s organic, it’s… glowing fungus from a cave filled with terrified lizard-dogs!”

Silas was sitting on the ground a few feet away, leaning against a wall with his arms crossed, trying his best to become one with the brickwork. His attempts were hampered by Yui, who was trying to “help” by acting as a living advertisement.

“Get your glowing moss here!” she sang, holding up a clump that was dripping slightly. “It’s sparkly, just like my precious person after he takes a mud bath! It can be a friend for your desk, or a hat for your cat!” She then tried to demonstrate by placing a clump of moss on the head of a passing city guard, who sputtered and threatened to arrest them for assaulting an officer with a vegetable.

Up in my divine office, I was crying with laughter into a silk pillow embroidered with cosmic thread. Isao was floating cross-legged in the air, sipping his cup of darkness and commentating like a sports announcer.

“And the goblin entrepreneur faces early-market resistance, a classic hurdle for any disruptive startup,” he said in a low, dramatic voice. “Meanwhile, the hero’s dignity continues its record-breaking freefall. Truly inspired, Akane-chan. The curse of minor annoyances was a masterpiece.”

“Thank you, thank you,” I said, taking a bow from my seated position. “The physical comedy has been delightful. But it’s time to move on to the final phase. The physical torment is merely the appetizer. The main course is psychological despair.”

Isao’s silver eyes gleamed. “Oh? Do tell.”

My grin was pure evil. “I’m going to activate my ultimate revenge technique. It’s a little something I’ve been workshopping. I call it [Divine Art: The Glimmer of False Hope].”

“Ooh, that sounds deliciously cruel.”

“It is,” I confirmed. “Phase one was breaking him down with endless, petty frustrations. Phase two is to build him back up with a lie. I’m going to give him everything he thinks a hero should have: a competent ally, a beautiful admirer, a taste of genuine success. I’m going to make him feel like his life is finally turning around.”

“And then?” Isao asked, leaning forward eagerly.

“And then,” I said, savoring the words, “I’m going to reveal it was all a divinely-crafted illusion, and watch his hope crumble into dust. The greatest source of conflict in any adventuring party? A new member who is secretly a puppet designed to make everyone’s life miserable.”

Just as Silas was contemplating the sweet, sweet release of being swallowed by a passing griffin, a new voice cut through the market chatter.

“Is this… authentic cavern moss?”

They all looked up. Standing before their pathetic stall was, without a doubt, the most beautiful woman Silas had ever seen. She had hair the color of spun gold, eyes like emeralds, and was clad in gleaming, perfectly fitted silver armor that somehow managed to be both practical and breathtaking. A finely crafted longsword was sheathed at her hip. She moved with an effortless grace that made Silas’s every clumsy movement feel like a personal insult.

“Why, yes it is!” Kenji said, immediately switching into his salesman persona. “Grade-A, ethically sourced, artisanal moss, fresh from the Dank Cesspit Caverns!”

The woman’s emerald eyes widened slightly. “You’re the ones who cleared the Cesspit Caverns?” she asked, her voice a melody. Her gaze fell on Silas, and instead of the mockery or pity he was used to, her expression was one of genuine admiration. “I heard about that at the Guild. They said you resolved the situation without bloodshed. That takes a kind of strength most adventurers lack. A strategic mind.”

Silas blinked. Was she… complimenting him? He felt a strange, unfamiliar warmth spread through his chest. He tried to stand up coolly, but the pebble in his boot chose that moment to shift, and he stumbled, catching himself on the crate.

The beautiful woman just smiled, a radiant, gentle smile. “My name is Seraphina,” she said. “I’m a freelance paladin. I was so impressed by your report that I had to seek you out.”

“Our… report?” Silas stammered, his brain short-circuiting.

“The one about the trade agreement! It was brilliant!” Seraphina’s eyes sparkled. “To see the economic potential in a monster den… it’s a level of forward-thinking this city desperately needs.”

Kenji puffed out his chest, his goblin heart swelling with pride. “A fellow intellectual! I knew someone would appreciate the nuances of our approach!”

Yui, however, was not impressed. She stepped forward, positioning herself between Silas and Seraphina. She narrowed her eyes, her pink pigtails practically vibrating with suspicion. “My precious person is very busy,” she declared, her voice losing its usual cheerful lilt. “He doesn’t have time for… shiny new people.”

Seraphina’s smile didn’t falter. She looked at Yui with kindness. “Of course. It’s a pleasure to meet the whole party. Your loyalty is admirable.” She then turned back to Silas. “I was just wondering… I’m looking to join a party with a more… sophisticated approach to problem-solving. If you would have me, I would be honored to adventure with you.”

Join… them? A highly skilled, intelligent, breathtakingly beautiful paladin wanted to join their chaotic mess of a team? It was a dream come true. It was the first good thing that had happened to him since he’d arrived in this world.

“We’d be… honored,” Silas managed to say, his voice cracking slightly.

“Wonderful!” Seraphina clapped her hands together delicately. “I saw a new quest on the board that might be perfect for a team of our unique talents. The mayor’s wife has lost her prized poodle, Fluffybutt the Third. It was last seen heading towards the Whispering Woods.”

The name hit Silas like a physical blow. Fluffybutt… the Third? He had been reincarnated as a legendary hero to rescue a dog named Fluffybutt.

But then he looked at Seraphina, at her hopeful, smiling face, and the utter absurdity of the quest name didn’t seem to matter. He would rescue a thousand Fluffybutts if it meant having a competent, sane person on his team.

“We accept the quest,” he said, his voice filled with a newfound resolve.

“Splendid! I will meet you at the city gates at dawn!” With another dazzling smile and a nod, Seraphina turned and walked away, her silver armor glinting in the afternoon sun.

Silas watched her go, a dopey, lovestruck expression on his face. For the first time, he felt a flicker of hope. Maybe, just maybe, his life as a hero was finally turning around.

Yui glared at Seraphina’s retreating back, muttering, “She’s too shiny. I don’t trust her.”

Kenji was already scribbling on his clipboard. “Recruitment of a high-value asset with paladin-class skills… this will positively impact our corporate image and combat effectiveness. I’ll need to draft her employment contract immediately.”

From high above, Isao and I watched the scene, high-fiving across the cosmos.

“A Simulated Harem Candidate, Akane-chan. Phase two of the [Glimmer of False Hope] is initiated. Inspired,” Isao said, a slow, wicked grin spreading across his face. “You give him a glimmer of hope, a competent ally, a potential romance…”

“…and then I’ll make her the most irritatingly perfect, goody-two-shoes in existence, programmed to compliment his every failure and drive his actual party members insane with jealousy and suspicion,” I finished, my own grin matching his. “This is going to be so much more fun than just tripping him.”

The ukulele music in Silas’s head now had a new, faintly romantic harmony. It was, somehow, even more annoying than before.