Battle Bunny

A massive man, bald as a cannonball, with biceps that looked like they had abs of their own, and a glorious curled mustache that seemed to glisten with oil and power. He wore a lavender tank top two sizes too small and pants that were just holding on for dear life.

“ERVON!” the man bellowed, charging like a juggernaut.

“Oh, no—” Ervon braced a moment too late as the muscle-mountain scooped him up into a spinning bear hug.

The man’s voice boomed with all the panic of a stage actor during a tragedy. “ERVVYY! MY SWEET BATTLE BUNNY! Are you okay?!”

I stared in dawning horror.

Ervon looked up and smiled. “Hey, musclecake. I’m fine, promise.”

The giant man swept him into a crushing hug, lifting Ervon’s feet off the ground. “My tender cinnamon bun! You weren’t okay! That strike was so powerful!! I’ll suplex that twig when I find him!”

“That was me,” I said, meekly.

He slowly turned. We locked eyes. His were so blue.

“Oh,” he said, blinking. “Well you’ve got lovely form, sweetie.”

Ervon wheezed. “Vallo, I’m okay!”

I stared. Mouth slightly open. Brain buffering.

“He’s gay,” I whispered. “Fuck, he’s gay.”

Vallo turned back to Ervon. “Baby, talk to me! You’re bleeding!” Vallo gasped and dabbed at Ervon’s lip with the hem of his tank. “Is it bad? Do we need to go to the emergency hot springs?!”

I raised a brow. “There are hot springs? Are they gay too?”

“I’ve had worse stubbing my toe,” Ervon said, pushing Vallo’s face back with one hand. “It’s fine.”

“Don’t you downplay this!” Vallo cried. “Your beautiful brain was rattled!”

My soul left my body briefly.

Ervon turned to me from Vallo’s arms. “Timaeus, this is Vallo. My husband.”

“Hey,” I managed.

Vallo looked me over, then beamed. “Oh, but you’re so adorable! How can I stay mad at a little guy like you?”

I looked down at my arms. “I’m a little guy,” I whispered, totally consumed by the shadow of this behemoth.

“Vallo,” Ervon sighed fondly, “stop scaring him. He’s here for advice.”

Vallo quieted down and bent down a little. “Advice? You don’t need advice with moves like that, little guy.”

“I’m 32,” I whispered, unwilling to look this guy in the eyes.

Ervon coughed politely. “He wants advice about Meredi.”

“You mean,” Vallo whispered. “That sort of advice? “Oh my gods, I love this.” Vallo clapped his giant hands. “Okay. I am here. I am present. I am emotionally ready.”

Ervon patted Valo’s chest. “Let’s let him talk.”

I swallowed the sudden embarrassment I was feeling. “I know I’m not much right now,” I admitted. “She’s amazing. I’ve been thinking… if I were at least half your size, maybe she’d… notice… me. And give me a chance to make her happy.”

“Oh, sweetie,” Vallo said. “You don’t need glorious biceps to be worthy of love.”

Ervon’s smile didn’t waver. “That’s noble. But I don’t think Meredi’s swayed by bulk as much as you think. You’ve fixated on the wrong thing, Timaeus.”

I met Ervon’s kind gaze, and Vallo’s encouraging smile.

“You think so?” I asked.

Ervon smiled warmly. “Meredi’s pretty straightforward, Tim. If you want her to see you differently, you’ll have to say it. Be direct. You can trust us on this.”

“Just the straightforward approach?” I asked, only now realizing how much the prospect made me nervous.

“Yeah,” Ervon nodded. “She’s honest. You should be too.”

“Meredi’s like a bowl of stew,” Vallo said sagely. “Warm, hearty, and exactly what she looks like on the surface.”

I blinked. “That’s actually kinda profound,” I said.

“I am profound,” Vallo said.

I looked down. “I feel like I’d be appealing to luck I don’t have if I try to reach for Meredi… I really do think she needs someone spectacular. And I’m not there yet.”

Vallo placed a hand on his heart, and let out a kind “Awww.”

Ervon leaned in. “Then start with what you can do. But don’t wait forever.”

“Also, spar with her,” Vallo chimed in. “Just casually. At home. She won’t read into it.”

Ervon nodded. “Good idea. “It’s close contact, it’s trust-based. If nothing romantic happens, it’s still quality time. And if something does spark, well, you’ll both feel it. Your grappling for her heart will speak what your mouth cannot.”

Vallo pointed a finger. “She might not pick up on the vibes right away, though. Be prepared for her to just get really into the workout.”

I flushed. “God, I’m nervous already. How embarrassing.”

“Love usually is,” Ervon said. “And hey—if muscles help you feel confident, then I’ll train you.”

“I’ll help too!” Vallo added, striking a dramatic flex. “We’ll have you strong in body and heart!”

I laughed despite myself. “Okay. But you both gotta tell me about your diet and supplements. I want the whole routine.”

They both laughed. I suddenly realized I liked them. Getting to put this into words, reminded me just how invested I was becoming. Every day, I was learning how deep my fondness could go.

“Sorry, I was rude,” I said, rubbing my neck. “And cursed at you. A lot.”

Ervon blinked. “You never cursed at me.”

“No, I did. Believe me.”

“Ahh,” Ervon grinned. “Well. Love makes monsters of us all. I think I’m an even bigger fan of you now.”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. “Damn it, Ervon, you’re so cool!”

Vallo laughed. “I totally agree!”

I walked back to Meredi with a heart at least six pounds lighter. She cocked her head.

“You three have a good talk?”

I squinted at her. “Did you know Ervon and Vallo are a thing?”

Meredi rolled her eyes like I’d asked if water was wet. “Of course. He likes muscles so much, only a man could meet the quota.”

I blinked.

“That’s fair,” I admitted, letting out a sigh a moment later.