I Don’t Get It

It all began with a simple phrase.

“Luciela, you’re quite special, you know that?” A warm and gentle voice told the young girl as the women it belonged to patted her daughter on the head affectionately. It was a cool winter night, the snowflakes outside delicately meeting the earth’s surface as they fell from the clouds above.

After a warm meal and some time spent together as a family, Luciela and her mother headed to her bedroom. Her parents took turns tucking her in at night, and this time it was her mother who gently covered the young seven year old girl with the woolen blanket that sat atop her bed.

“Because I got the highest math grade in the class?” Luciela asked curiously while watching her mother tuck her in, unsure of what her mother meant by that statement.

Her mother let out a small laugh and continued, “No, that’s not what I mean dear.” Luciela scrunched up her nose in confusion, returning her mother’s words with, “Then, what makes me special?” Her voice was colored with anticipation as she suddenly sat up, not breaking her eye contact with her mother as she did.

“Oh, I think I wasn’t clear enough, but what I mean is, there’s something special that is part of each and every one of us, tied to our hearts,” Luciela’s mother said, “it is there that our true value lies. Yet not everyone is able to unlock what’s there, and thus never truly get to know who they really are. But, I can tell that your heart is shining, that you will someday unlock that hidden treasure in you, and it will uplift you in every difficulty you’ll face in life.”

Luciela’s eyes widened, as though they were sparkling at her mother’s words, words that sounded magical as she said them, coming from a warm and compassionate person that in Luciela’s mind, was brighter than the shining sun itself. But after only a few seconds of this childlike wonder…

“I’m sorry…I don’t get it.” Luciela confessed with an apologetic tone. Her mother didn’t look disappointed in her however; instead, she blinked in surprise before laughing out loud for what felt like a minute, causing Luciela to laugh a little as well, not even sure what was so funny about what she said. Her mother then pulled her into a warm embrace, one that, unbeknownst to Luciela, was meant to be both a source of comfort and a way to give her a hint.

“Trust me, when you get older, meet more people and gain new experiences, it’ll make sense.” Her mother told her simply, and with that, the conversation had ended.

And so, Luciela was once again tucked into bed, and her mother walked over to shut off the lights, but not before looking back at her daughter with a smile and saying, “Goodnight my dear daughter.”

…

Years passed, and Luciela still hadn’t learned the answer to her mother’s words, although she contemplated them from time to time; while riding her bike, taking down her notes in school, or slowly drifting off to sleep at night. To her, cracking the riddle on her own was almost like discovering an essential secret to life that she couldn’t possibly live without.

At nine years old however, she decided to give up trying to make sense of what they meant.

For now, her heart did not seem to have the space to think over the words any longer.

…

“I don’t get it.” Luciela whispered with a straight face, hands relaxed at her sides, staring straight ahead at nothing in particular. The people stood silently around, some having quiet conversations, others simply staring into space as she did. Most of them had tears in their eyes, were quietly crying, or had evidence of dried tear streaks on their faces.

Luciela however, stood to herself, silent and composed, not a hint of the same tears that generously came out from those nearby her.

“Ah, of course, she’s still so young, how can she possibly understand the situation?” Her aunt, with tears still clinging to the sides of her eyes, looked at her niece with a pained and sympathetic expression, hesitating to step forward and comfort her, and at the same time unable to look away from the young girl who had stayed quiet since earlier.

“There’s not much you can do Adelaide…the girl is smart, yes, but in a situation that is difficult even for us adults, it’s only natural for her to be shocked…” Another woman, whom Luciela knew to be the cousin of her mother and Aunt Adelaide, responded to her aunt while rubbing her back to comfort her.

“Yes, you’re right…I’ll just have to explain it to her again gently. Sophie, it would really help if you could join the conversation as well once we head out…” Aunt Adelaide responded to her cousin, who simply nodded in agreement as they continued to watch Luciela with sad eyes.

Luciela, who had heard the whole conversation, displayed no reaction, not sure whether it was because she did not wish to talk right now, or if it was because she was unsure she even had the ability to express her thoughts out loud at the moment.

‘No, they’re the ones who don’t understand.’  Luciela spoke clearly within her own mind, ignoring the calls of concerns from the adults as she slowly but surely walked up to the coffins that had yet to be transported to their final resting place on earth.

She looked within the coffins, plain and simple; everything within them covered except for the two faces she was more than fairly acquainted with.

‘I understand what it means for someone to pass away,’  Luciela continued to say only to herself, ‘I know that these are the peaceful faces of my parents, I understand why the people who stand by are comforting each other and grieving, I know that this is the time to say goodbye, at least for now.’

‘People cry when those they love are gone. They say goodbye, and they remember the happy memories and support each other. That’s what it means for someone to pass away.’

‘But, I still don’t get it.’

‘I never got to understand what mom’s words meant…I tried to think of an answer, but I couldn't reach it. Like there’s something blocking my vision, and I can’t get a clear picture. If I knew the answer, then I could get through any difficulty, like right now, just like she told me. Just like dad told me. But I still don’t know. Mom, dad, I…’

Her hand trembled, and for the first time that day, a tear trailed down her face.

“I don’t get it.”

Those were the last words Luciela spoke out loud for the remainder of the funeral.