Chapter 1: The Inescapable Invitation to Misery

My name is Kaito Tanaka, and all I want is to be a background character. Seriously. I aspire to be NPC-C in the grand video game of life. I want to be the guy who walks past the main character, utterly oblivious to the world-ending dragon or the magical girl battle happening right behind him. My ideal day involves sleeping through my alarm, barely making it to class, eating a convenience store lunch on the roof, and going home to play video games. A perfectly beige, wonderfully unremarkable existence.

Unfortunately, my life is cursed by the human equivalent of a golden retriever who drank three espressos: Yumi Yoshino.

"Kaito-kun!"

That cheerful, high-pitched voice shattered the peaceful silence of my rooftop sanctuary. I didn't even have to open my eyes. The sound alone painted a vivid picture: a petite girl with bright, energetic eyes, pigtails that bounced with every step, and a smile that could power a small city. She was the president, founder, and sole overly-enthusiastic member of the "Paranormal Investigation and Napping Club." I was, against my will, the "Napping" half of that equation.

I cracked one eye open. "Yumi. If this is about the so-called 'Locker Room Poltergeist' again, it was just the ventilation system. I showed you the blueprints."

"Ancient history!" she chirped, waving a flier in my face. "This is a brand new, Grade-A, top-tier haunting! I present to you-the case of the 'Slimy Neighbor'!"

I stared blankly at the crudely drawn flier. It depicted a green blob with a sad face oozing out of an apartment window. "You're making these yourself now, aren't you?"

"Details, details! An old apartment building just three blocks from here is said to be haunted by a sticky, gooey, slimy spirit! Residents who lived there before it was abandoned reported strange gurgling sounds, mysterious puddles of goo, and the feeling of being… unpleasantly moist."

I shuddered. "That sounds less like a ghost and more like a plumbing issue. I'm out." I closed my eyes, signaling the end of the conversation.

My peace lasted for approximately three seconds before a shadow fell over me. I opened my eyes again to see two more figures standing behind Yumi.

First was Rina Inoue, the club's unofficial tech support. With her sharp eyes behind a pair of stylish glasses and a tablet always in hand, she was the voice of reluctant reason. She pushed her glasses up her nose. "Statistically speaking, Kaito, 78% of all supernatural claims can be debunked by logical explanations. However, the remaining 22% present a fascinating data set. The preliminary EMF readings from outside the building show unusual spikes."

"Your toaster causes unusual EMF spikes, Rina," I grumbled.

The third person was Mio Honda, Yumi's best friend and the club's designated scaredy-cat. She was clutching a bag of snacks like a shield, her wide, teary eyes peeking out from behind Rina's shoulder. "K-Kaito-san… Yumi-chan said it would be safer if you came along… because you have a very… un-enticing aura for ghosts."

"Un-enticing aura?" I sat up. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Yumi clapped her hands together. "It means you're so cynical and boring that most ghosts probably wouldn't bother with you! You're our perfect shield! So, it's decided! Operation: Scrub the Slimy Neighbor starts tonight at dusk!"

I was about to deliver a resounding "no" that would echo through the ages, a rejection so powerful it would make them rethink their life choices. But then Yumi held up a small, pink USB stick. My blood ran cold.

"You wouldn't," I whispered.

Her smile was dangerously sweet. "Oh, I would. The entire unedited audio file of your dramatic reading of that fantasy romance novel you like. All three hours of it. Complete with your special character voices."

Checkmate. The girl played dirty.

And that is how I, Kaito Tanaka, a champion of the mundane, found myself standing outside a dilapidated, weed-choked apartment building as the sun began to bleed across the horizon. Yumi was practically vibrating with excitement. Rina was calibrating a device that looked suspiciously like a souped-up TV remote. Mio was trying to become one with a nearby telephone pole.

"Isn't this exciting?" Yumi beamed.

"I feel my soul leaving my body," I said flatly. "And it's not because of any ghosts."

The building loomed over us, its windows like hollow eyes. A faint, unpleasant smell-like old socks and forgotten milk-wafted out from the darkened doorway. This was a terrible idea. A monumentally stupid,flier-worthy bad idea. And I was about to walk right into it. My quest for a normal life had, once again, taken a slimy detour.