Chapter 3: An Exorcism of Utter Nonsense

Panic is a funny thing. It makes people do stupid things. And with a paranormal sludge-monster slowly inching its way up my trousers, my friends were reaching new heights of stupidity.

"Kaito, don't move!" Yumi commanded, her eyes blazing with misguided determination. "It's a sign! It has chosen you as its vessel for communication!"

"I don't want to be its vessel!" I yelled back, still trying to shake the creature off. The slime merely jiggled, its grip firm. "I want it to go communicate with a drainpipe!"

Rina was cautiously poking the slime attached to my leg with her tweezers. "The composition is baffling. It's organic, yet leaves no residue. And the temperature is a consistent ten degrees Celsius below the ambient room temperature. Remarkable."

"Less science, more solutions, please!" I begged.

Mio, having peeked out from behind a moldy armchair, had an idea. "M-maybe it's hungry?" she stammered, fumbling in her snack bag. She pulled out a half-eaten rice ball. "Here, Mr. Ghost-san! Have some food!" She timidly tossed the rice ball at the slime. It landed with a soft plop and was slowly, deliberately absorbed into the green mass with a quiet slurping sound. The slime on my leg seemed to pulse contentedly for a moment before resuming its sluggish climb.

"Okay, so it has an appetite," I said, my voice rising in panic. "Great. Now it thinks I'm the main course!"

This spurred Yumi into action. "Alright, conventional methods aren't working. Time for Plan B!" She struck a dramatic pose, pointing a finger at the slime. "I've been studying ancient exorcism rites from a classic anime! Here I go! Oh, spirits of light and justice, lend me your strength! Banish this foul, sticky evil back to the dimension from whence it came! Starlight Purification Bl-"

"Yumi, that's from 'Magical Princess Sparkle-Heart'," Rina cut in deadpan, not looking up from her tablet. "Her finishing move was used on a demon made of cake, and it only worked because he was gluten-intolerant."

Yumi's heroic pose deflated. "It was worth a shot."

I was getting desperate. The slime had now reached my knee. It wasn't threatening, but the constant, cold, damp pressure was driving me insane. I felt like I was being hugged by a giant slug. I lost my balance from hopping and fell backwards onto the floor with a thud, my slime-covered leg sticking straight up in the air.

"This is it," I groaned, staring at the water-stained ceiling. "This is how I die. Not in a blaze of glory, but by being slowly, disgustingly slimed. My tombstone will read: 'Here lies Kaito Tanaka. He annoyed a puddle'."

My frustration boiled over. All my plans for a peaceful, boring life were being ruined by this… this supernatural goo. I glared at the jiggling mass on my leg.

"Alright, that's it! I've had it!" I shouted, my voice echoing in the small apartment. "What do you even want, you overgrown gunk pile? Are you sad? Are you angry? Do you have unfinished business? Because frankly, we've all got problems! I just wanted to eat my lunch in peace! Yumi wants to prove ghosts are real, Rina wants to quantify the universe, and Mio just wants to not faint! You're not special! So why don't you just get a hobby?! Go haunt a knitting circle! Take up ghostly pottery! Learn to play the spectral ukulele! Just find something better to do than clinging to my leg!"

Silence.

My rant hung in the air. Even the gurgling sound had stopped. The three girls stared at me, wide-eyed.

Then, something strange happened. The slime on my leg began to quiver. Not the usual gelatinous jiggle, but a violent, intense vibration. A soft, warm light started to emanate from its core, a stark contrast to the sickly green glow from before. It pulsed, once, twice, growing brighter with each beat.

With a final, wet schlorp, the slime detached from my leg and flowed into a single, cohesive blob in the middle of the room. It pulled itself inward, condensing and shrinking as the light intensified, becoming almost too bright to look at. The musty smell in the room was replaced by the faint scent of fresh laundry and blooming flowers.

"What's happening?" Mio whispered in awe.

"The electromagnetic radiation is off the charts!" Rina exclaimed, shielding her eyes. "The energy output is exponential!"

The glowing blob began to stretch, to rise, taking on a new, more elegant, and distinctly humanoid shape. The light was swirling, coalescing, forming the outline of a slender figure.

My angry, sarcastic, utterly ridiculous rant had done something. My demand for the ghost to get a hobby had triggered a reaction no salt, soundwave, or snack ever could. We weren't fighting a monster. We had, it seemed, just given some very strange, and very slimy, life advice.