Ravela's Thoughts

This guy—Timaeus.

When did he get so damn good at driving me crazy?

It’s like almost every time, he finds the soft spot in my chest and presses, and just hits me in my feelings.

And I just don’t get it—why is he so sweet to me?

And why do I just keep going along with it, even when he’s talking about pursuing other women, my sister included?

He told me what happened with Elsie, and I saw it in her—how happy she was that day. A guy trying to sleep with two women at the same time—I should have been livid.

And yet, here I was. Giving him something he wanted.

How far down in the shaft was my self-confidence?

I already knew the answer. It was so far down the shaft that any little thing Timaeus said lifted me up, so absurdly high that it was a miracle that I wasn’t just hanging onto every little word, or craving the mere promise of his next kind words.

I never thought I would end up like this, involved with Timaeus of all people. He was never someone I even saw as a man… He was just a funny, safe recluse who I thought didn’t care for me or my sister.

But then he went and changed on me and became this infuriatingly kind person, who would just roll with my punches and snip back. I could jab until I was blue in the face; he would take them with a smile and sometimes surprised me with a jab back. No matter how much doubt I sometimes held, he always responded in a way that challenged my doubts.

Every time I bristled, he stepped closer. Every time I pushed, he didn’t retreat but gave me space and reminded me he was still there for me.

Did he know how much I hated men? He must have noticed something after my freakout.

But he was so kind to me…

But all that kindness doesn’t make the past go away.

The past was there, tangled up around my body... The past is still here in the heat and the rhythm of what was supposed to be one of the biggest moments in our relationship.

It was here in the fact that I couldn’t bear to look at him; I was just so damn angry.

I hated it. I felt so guilty. I wanted to enjoy this moment with Timaeus.

But I was still so furious over things unrelated to him.

This guy was here, treating me so sweetly, and here I was, still so angry, responding to his care with anger I couldn't let go of.

I'd make jokes. I'd threaten him that I would cut him loose. I'd push to tear me down because I couldn't believe him...

What a pathetic joke I was; unable to be straight with this guy that I liked because I couldn’t get my head on straight.

I couldn’t stand looking at him when I was so angry. If he saw it, and he thought I was angry at him, it would break me.

Me taking the initiative on him after that shower. It had all been a whirlwind of activity. Maybe... Maybe all he wanted was my body once. Maybe, afterward, he'd toss me aside and go for Elsbeth. He couldn't really want me, right?

But then—damn him—his hand gently touched the back of my head while I was thinking. It just rested there, and I suddenly remembered how tired I was.

My anger—it was fading.

All those years my mind spent cursing horrible men, and now, I just suddenly wanted to let him hold me, and let me fall asleep with him. I was such an easy bitch—all it took was a lot of kindness…

Damn it.

Cruel… Why was he being so cruel?

Didn’t he realize that he kept being so gentle with me, I wouldn’t want to ever let him go?

Why couldn’t he just treat me like a distraction and throw me to the side? Why couldn’t he just use me and discard me? Even when he had Elsbeth waiting to be saved, why did he keep trying to string me along?

Damn you.

***

Before I knew it, we were on our sides, and under the sheets.

“What are you doing?”

“Don’t you want to come closer, Rav?”

I couldn’t keep my eyes on his. I just gave in, pressed closer, and let him hold me just a little firmer. I thought I would have freaked out, but no. His touch was rewiring me—he was actually trying to make me forget the past.

It was so cruel, this gentle, soothing, embrace.

It’s your fault, Timaeus. I’m going to become an ugly, jealous woman because of you.

I kissed him and prayed this love would last forever.

I hated to have to acknowledge it… but if this were a dream, I would never want to wake up.