Chapter Fourteen

I felt my smile disappear as I put the book down again. If there was a chance to experience them back then, it was gone now. I think back the world I woke up to, and the chances of seeing flowers, or even fresh food seemed low. And with how dangerous Nina said things were here, there was no possible way for me to see a beach. I looked down and saw my hands still holding on to the book. I didn’t know if I wanted to open it again. But before I could decide, Nina stepped out of her bedroom.

She greeted me with a yawn, a stretch, and a smile. She changed clothes before going to bed. Instead of the gear she wore, it was an oversized shirt and something that looked like a lab coat. She turned the light on and walked towards the sink to drink water, before sitting down next to me.

“Were you able to sleep at all?” she asked. “You certainly look refreshed!”

“Couch was uncomfortable,” I said with a playful tone. “No covers, very cold.” I saw Nina’s face transform into a ripe tomato.

“I am so sorry!” she yelled, putting her hands on her face. “I can’t believe I forgot about that!”

“No problem,” I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. “Don’t need sleep.” Those words help bring her back to normal.

“Did you at least sleep for a good amount of time?” she asked.

“Yes, slept as long as you,” I said. “And stretching, feels good.”

“I agree,” she said with another stretch, ready to guide the conversation away. “It helps you get ready!” She turned towards the book in my hands. “What do you have there? I don’t remember seeing anything like this.” I thought about what to say. I never shared this with anyone, willingly or not. No one ever knew I even had this book. But I decided to hold it close to me as I turned to Nina.

“Special book,” I said, with a smile that remembered those last minutes with it. “Read as a child.”

“Child, as in when you were younger?” she asked. I nodded as I handed the book to her. She flipped through it, with a different expression than mine. “It’s so simple even I can understand it. Were these things people did back then?” I smiled as I nodded again.

“These are fun,” I said. “Things you love.”

“What’s love?” she asked, putting the book down. I felt a strange tinge in my heart when she said that.

“Difficult to explain,” I said, trying to avoid eye contact

“Like dreams?”

“Different, more complicated.”

“I want to know what it is,” she said, focusing on me. “The people here look like they’re enjoying themselves doing all of these different things. And it said that they ‘love’ doing them. I want to feel what they feel.” I turned to her, unsure of how to say what I was thinking.

“Your feelings, when talking to me,” I said, my face turning red. “Enjoy?”

“Of course I do,” Nina responded. “But is that what love is? I’ve talked with other people too, but I almost never enjoy it. And even if I did, I don’t think I’d feel the same way I feel with you. So that can’t be love.”

“No, different,” I said, trying not to lower my head. “Enjoy talking to me. And, another feeling, with it.” When I finished those words, I heard Nina’s heartbeat. Even though I was having trouble saying those words, I couldn’t help but laugh at what happened. “Yes, that one.”

“Hey, don’t go teasing me again,” Nina said, stuttering. I saw her breaths grow faster and the redness of her face matching mine. “But I’m starting to get it. You’re right, there’s something else I feel when I talk to you. Sometimes, it’s three things, like when we were in my room together. In fact, I’m feeling those three things right now. And I’ve never felt them with anyone else. Granted I haven’t talked to another person in a really long time, but those feelings were never there.” It was my heart’s turn to start beating louder. “Are those feelings, love?”

“Difficult,” I said with trembling hands. “Love is different things. Conversation, out of control.”

“I agree!” Nina said turning away, the book held close to her. “You weren’t kidding when you said love was difficult. But it’s not a bad feeling.” She paused and let out a laugh. “I’ve been saying that a lot since meeting you. If neither of us know exactly what love is, then we should make it something we learn about together.” She turned back to me. “I want to feel the happiness the people in the book feel when I do the same things they do.” She paused, her breath picking up pace again. “And I want to feel the happiness I feel when I talk to you like this.” I couldn’t move after hearing those words. I felt my mouth opening, but I nothing I could have said would have made sense.