Pole Rast

This is all a dream.

When it happened I didn’t remember my encounter with the visitor, nor did I remember being shot with his device and falling unconscious afterwards. I didn’t remember Lyra’s and Swerans worried faces as I collapsed either.

But even then, I knew it was all a dream. After all, ever since I came to this world I always keep dreaming about that stage. That moment in the event where they let me alone in the scenario against my will to present the event that was about to start.

I was like a doe in headlights. But when I saw my father he looked at me with his blank expression, waiting for me to do something. That jolted me out of my surprise and I managed to see the teleprompter in the back starting to show the script of the presentation that I was now supposed to give.

And in that moment… I did it.

I stuttered a bit in the start, but unlike the disasters that happened in all my earlier tries, I actually managed to do it. My mind was a mess but I bottled every single feeling I had in that moment as I read the teleprompter and presented each member of the play that was going to start. In the end, I simply walked away under their polite clapping.

But when I got out of the scenario… I felt used.

It was the first time I actually managed to do something like that well. Usually I get so lost in trying to do a good first impression that I implode and ruin it, but it didn’t happen this time.

But why did it still feel so wrong?

I’m not proud of the way I acted that night.

Now that the dream forced me to look at it again I saw that my father arrived and wanted to congratulate me, but I could not see it back then. Regardless of the result, I only could see it as him meddling in my life again. Forcing me to do stuff that I didn’t want to do again.

I’m not him. I can’t do the things he does. So why does he keep trying so hard?

I remembered what I said on that night word by word. But when I saw my father again… I simply stood still, looking at him.

As my actions started contradicting my memories, his actions started changing too.

His initially happy and proud demeanor changed when he saw the way I was looking at him. He suddenly got worried.

“Pole, are you okay?” my father said.

Hearing his voice again… I could not take it. I simply hugged him, trying my best not to start crying in his shirt.

He was surprised. I could feel him tense up immediately, his hands trembling as they didn’t know where to go. I could not remember the last time we hugged, and that thought only made me hug him tighter.

What an absolute idiot I am.

“Are you alright?” He asked, finally putting his hand in my head.

I only hugged him tighter. I sobbed, and sobbed until suddenly, the dream was over.

It was hazy. I didn’t know how I got there, but once again the curtain was opening.

I was in that moment in the event where they let me alone in the scenario against my will to present the event that was about to start.

I was in the dream start again. After the scout chief told me that I would have to do the presentation, right before the curtain opened.

Once again, my father was watching my with a neutral expression as he waited for me to start speaking.

My throat closed up. I still felt my face wet with my tears. And everyone was seeing every second of it, I didn’t need to see them to feel how their expressions morphed into confusion and worry as I could not say anything.

My father noticed that something was wrong, but he didn’t dare step into the stage for me.

I fell into my knees, grabbing my head in my arms as I sobbed.

It all ended when someone finally went into the stage to try to see what was wrong. Before they could touch me, the dream was over.

I was in that moment in the event where they let me alone in the scenario against my will to present the event that was about to start.

My eyes were glassy, but I was standing once more as the curtain rose. I looked at the expectant crowd but the words did not come out. This time I ran away.

I ran to the backstage, finding the door where the actors were about to enter and pushing them out of the way as I tried to get away from there as fast as I could. Nobody could stop me, I simply ran through the hallways until I noticed that I was not moving anymore. I ran with all my strength but the exit was never in my reach.

When I finally gave up, exhausted, looking the exit that I could not reach, the dream was over.

I was in that moment in the event where they let me alone in the scenario against my will to present the event that was about to start.

I was too tired to run, too spent to cry more.

I stayed silent a long time. Everyone could see that something was wrong, but they simply looked at me with concern and confusion. I so hoped that the dream would be over already to escape this situation.

Unable to deal with those faces anymore, I closed my eyes and blindly threw my microphone towards the public. I heard a scream, but before I could look who it had hit, the dream was over.

I was in that moment in the event where they let me alone in the scenario against my will to present the event that was about to start.

I was a doe in headlights once again.

But this time I could not speak. I saw the lines of the teleprompter but the words simply didn’t come out.

Instead of running, I simply walked, and silently, got down of the stage. Everyone watched me as I got down and started walking between the public towards the exit. I heard some steps behind me but I didn’t look back. I simply exited the auditorium without saying a single word.

I heard the door opening again behind me. I didn’t have to turn around to see who it was.

“What the hell was that? You can’t just abandon the stage like that. What were you thinking!” Said my dad, astonished by what I had just done.

“Can you just shut up?” was all I could say, tired as I was.

He suddenly stopped, his astonishment turning into anger.

“What did you just say?” He said, walking towards me and grabbing me by the shoulder.

Only when he turned me around could he see my face. the crying marks still present on it as I did my best not to sob. The screams with which he was gonna berate me got stuck in his mouth as he tried to process it.

“Why did you do this to me?” I asked.

That’s what gnawed at me the most.

He must have known very well how much I hated every single time I tried to act like him. Every step that I gave after him only proved to me the distance there was between us. I didn’t inherit any of his talents. He must have known that by then.

THEN WHY DID HE KEEP TRYING?

My mind screamed the question, but in my tired emotional state, it came out just as mellowed out and tired as I was.

“You know I hate doing that kind of thing… Why did you do it?”

I could see the face of the scout chief when he told me I had to do this. If he had an option he would have not, only my father could have pressured him into making me participate in the play, one way or the other.

I looked at him searching the answer, but just like the screams from before, seems like the words also got stuck and could not come out. I could see his confusion, disappointment, and finally sadness as his face distorted.

The dream was over.

I was in that moment in the event where they let me alone in the scenario against my will to present the event that was about to start.

I looked at my father. He was looking blankly at me now.

I stayed there, in silence for a moment. The teleprompter was feeding me my lines.

I sighed, and with a tired tone which I could not hide, I simply read the lines without any inflexion of effort. Needless to say, nobody looked impressed. I didn’t want to think about the way the actors looked at me when they came unto the stage. I simply left as fast as I could and went back home.

Surprisingly, the dream did not end this time.

When my father arrived he did not look happy like the last time. I could see the disappointment in the very way he stood. He was unhappy, that was incredibly clear to see.

Even then, when he saw me waiting for him in the entrance, he put a fake smile.

“Hey. You didn’t stay to watch the rest of the play, did you?” He asked, seeing that I had arrived before him.

I said nothing. I had so many things to ask but they didn’t come out. I was waiting for the answer of a question he didn’t even know I had asked.

Even so, maybe it was instinct, maybe it was simply his thoughts, but he then followed with:

“I’m sorry. You probably guessed it already, but I did talk with your scout chief to make you take part in the play.” He admitted. Straigthening up and looking at me in the eyes.

“Why did you do it?” I asked, calmly.

“Because I did want you to take part of it. I know you had some bad experiences in the past, but I thought that if you started with something simple… you may understand.”

I had my fists closed, it was a strain simply to stay there, listening.

“Understand what?” I asked.

He sighed, giving up.

“I just did what I thought was right.” He responded, looking at me in the eyes, sincerely.

The dream was over.

I was in that moment in the event where they let me alone in the scenario against my will to present the event that was about to start.

My mind was already in another place. This was a dream, that much was clear, but where was I before? I could not remember clearly, but I do remember arriving to the parallel world. I remember talking with Lyra as I dressed her wounds. I remembered the plan I devised with Lyra.

If I don’t wake up, the plan will be shot to hell.

I tried to break the dream, but nothing could make me wake up. Pain felt muddled, acting irrationally only restarted the dream instead of pulling me out of it.

I tried every single thing that came to mind. I had recited my lines more times than I could possibly count. More than once I talked with my father. I even tried to ask him for advice, in vain, as he obviously didn’t believe me.

I had no idea how much time had passed, but finally, eventually, something changed.

I was having the conversation for the hundredt time, I had simply asked why he made me take part on the play, but this time his answer was different. Maybe the way I worded it was different? The tone of my voice? The desperation behind it? I have no idea.

“Why did you want me to take part in the play?”

Whatever had changed when I said that, he let out a small smile.

“Because I enjoy acting. More than you can imagine. And when I see you get so frustrated at so many things and giving up I want to make you feel the same happiness I feel when I do something I love. I just hoped that if I pushed you a little bit more, if you actually gave it a bit more of a chance, you might start to understand it too.”

I could not answer to him. He simply looked at me with sad eyes until the dream was over.

I was in that moment in the event where they let me alone in the scenario against my will to present the event that was about to start.

But that did not matter in that moment. I felt like I had found something I should not skim over. Instead of reciting my lines, I stayed there, thinking about what he had said.

I hate anything that has to do with acting, there’s nothing that I hate more than people watching me, burdening me with their expectations. I have noticed that feeling in so many things I have done, even after going into the new world.

I had to think.

I went on, trying to decipher what was I feeling in that moment. I was trying to keep going because I knew that if I stopped I would start brushing over it as I had done so many times before.

He wanted me to find something I want to do, something to make me happy.

Well, it’s a little bit too late for that. I took those opportunities for granted and now I’m in a desolate world that only wants to kill me.

Was that even what my father would have said? If this is a dream, then in a way, this is all in my head. There’s no way for me to find out what he was really thinking because there’s no way for me to ask him now. There’s no opportunities left for me to find the correct string of words that will pull his walls down and allow me to meet him for a bit.

In a way it reminded me of Lyra. She was so reticent to talk with me, to connect in any way, despite the fact that she did take care of me all that time. Maybe some people simply have too much trouble saying that kind of thing out loud.

But maybe it’s not impossible. After all, I managed to pry the truth out of Lyra. It was excruciating, it was embarrassing, but I did. My heart warms up when I think of that conversation while she trusted in me enough to dress her wounds.

Could I actually have a conversation like that with my father?

Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try.

I had an inkling of an idea. A vain hope that slipped from my lips when I explained my plan to Lyra and Swerans. The remote possibility that I may be able to come home.

Truth is, I have no reason to believe that is possible. I am jumping through a lot of hoops and assuming a lot of things right now, but despite all the reasons I have to think that I can’t I also have a single one to believe that I do.

I looked at my father, looking at me in confusion while I was sitting down in the stage, thinking. The dream had been over several times already since I started processing all of this.

Maybe I should have done this before.

I rose up and decided to try something new. I had devised a plan I had no faith would work outside, but when the alternatives I have titillate between death and misery, I see no reason not to try.

Similarly, I have an idea of how I could get out of this dream, but it is… unsavory.

I looked at my father in the face until the dream was over. I would want to much to apologize to him, but doing so would surely ruin the plan right from the get go.

I took a deep breath, and the dream was over.

I was in that moment in the event where they let me alone in the scenario against my will to present the event that was about to start.

Then, I took a deep breath, I let out a soft smile, and I started reading the teleprompter.

It went similar to my first try, I would even say slightly better than it did in the real world. Truth is, I had spent so long failing and being forced to practice this kind of thing, that I became decent enough at it. When the actors entered and they received us with a polite clap, I went out of the stage, feeling slightly better with myself.

That was the main difference, as in the real world, I had only let feeling empty inside.

Then, it goes the confrontation with my father.

I saw him arrive so happily, so proud of me. I could see it now. Some part of me must also have seen it back then, but I was too angry to actually pay attention to it. In the real world I was feeling used, even betrayed by him.

So I exploded.

Acting like I was mad and screaming to my father was hard. When it happened it had been so easy, but now? it was grueling. I could see every single one of his reactions, I could see him try to justify himself, to calm me down, to make me know that he didn’t have any ill intention when he made me stay in that stage.

But in the real world I had not listened, and so, I could not do so now.

I ran away upstairs and closed the door of my room with all my strength. After screaming, and feigning to cry, I had calmed myself down. I took out my phone and I called my scout chief, trying to hide the trembling of my voice.

There was a small expedition next morning, one that I had said I didn’t want to go to before, but that had changed. I needed an excuse to get as far away from home as I could. In that moment, I could not bare the idea of being close to my dad.

Now? It felt like I was the one betraying him. My hands started trembling while I packed my backpack with all the things that I had brought with me to the new world. The dream was not finishing, it just went on and on. It was a nightmare.

But if it was a nightmare, it should eventually end.

If I don’t break the dream, and allow it to end by itself… will I be able to come out of it?

I tried to steel myself but I could barely do so. I truly, truly wished that I was right. That there would be a chance to come back and fixed the worst mistake that I had done.

The sunrise arrived and I left very early in the morning. My father had tried to talk with me the night before, but I ignored him. He decided to give me space and went to sleep, probably thinking about how to talk with me the next day.

But I would no longer be there. I would be nowhere to be found now. I had not told him about the expedition beforehand, and all I had left was a note saying that I would return by night.

But I would not.

Writing that note felt like prickling my hand with needles. I could not bear to write that horrible message when I knew that I would not be returning again. That I would fall down the mountain, that I would die or dissapear and that…

I would never be able to say goodbye.

As I prepared to put the note in the fridge as I had done the first time I felt something being born within me. A determination in the middle of all my sadness.

If this plan worked and I escaped from the dream, I would give my absolute best to make my plan against the visitor work. I would do my best to understand the world around me, to talk to the people I meet and to learn everything I can. I would do everything in my power to discover how to move in between worlds, and most important of all.

I would find a way to return back home. I would return, I would have that conversation, I would say goodbye, I would talk to him. Because right now I’m an absolute monster and I refuse to keep being that. I can’t leave my father like this.

I will return.

When I put the note in the fridge and I opened the door, there was no outside. There was pure white, as if everything outside the house had stopped existing. It was the border of the dream, the end of the nightmare, as the memory that haunted me was put to rest after this. Buried deep in my mind where I refused to face it for so long.

I had now done it, and my only choice was to face the new nightmare I had been thrusted upon because of all my mistakes.

I took a deep breath, and took a step forward.

The dream was over.

I was in the woods, lying down in the ground, with two very worried faces looking down on me when they saw that I was waking up.

I could not avoid crying. I never believed I would be happy of waking up in this world. Even that felt like a blessing at this point.

I rose up, and started to gather my courage. The time had come. I needed to prove that my determination was not just empty words, and that I still have a chance to fix the errors that I have committed.

I will return back home.