Irin Fragments Part 2

Present Day

Today was insane. My head hurts from all the talk about memory sickness now called Astray. There is even another term Astray-Walker. When did Shiori find out about all this stuff. It didn’t seem that long ago she came and examined Crimzon. Seems like everyone was able to find out more information, but so much to keep up with.

We got to meet Princess Iori who goes by Lori outside the kingdom, then there’s Kana her personal guard, they knew Crimzon years ago when he was alive with Miss Aiko. Crimzon now seems intelligent and grasps everything just fine, but I don’t know him. Have I ever known him? Did I know him back then?

“Aaaah! This is too much my head hurts!”

“Irin…Are you okay?” Lori asks.

Surprised I turn to my side, and I see Lori alongside me on the balcony gazing at the stars starting to appear.

“Princess…what are you doing here, I thought you were with the others.”

“Aiko asked me to check on you; she was worried with everything going on that you may need someone to talk too. Someone not her.”

“Why not her? Did I do something wrong?”

Lori slides a little closer, “No nothing you did wrong. She simply thought that you should talk to someone else not her to maybe gain another perspective or understanding. She mentioned that you were worried about Crimzon, and could sense that somehow you may feel lonely because you’re not sure who you are?”

“You knew Crimzon before when he was alive?”

“Yes. We met outside by the waterfall one day when we were kids, think we were five. Shiori was three. We became friends with Crimzon and met every day to play. Right before that we met Aiko. One of the guards found a girl passed out near the entrance to the kingdom, and when she came to, she knew who she was but didn’t remember anything of this world. She remembered a whole different world she lived in before.”

“Aiko knew about the memory sickness?”

“Not exactly. We never heard of it happening. In Aiko’s case she never experienced memory sickness. Crimzon was the first we heard of it here in our region, and as Shiori investigated she discovered several cases around the world and went to investigate gathering as much information as she could. Eventually Shiori and her newfound collaborators began to name it Astray and Astray-Walker. As Shiori gathered information she passed it on to Aiko. Crimzon was our direct observation for Astray and Aiko told you what she thought you could handle. She understands that you carry a lot on your shoulders and the weight of your identity weighs on you.”

“I thought Aiko was more concerned with Crimzon now that it seemed like it is someone she knows. I’m not really anyone without an identity.”

Lori chuckles realizing why Aiko asked her to talk to Irin.

“That Aiko sure knows how to line things up. I get it now.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Irin I had the same problem not that long ago. As brief as it was that I knew Crimzon, seeing him dead that day I felt helpless. I’m the princess of Aurora and I couldn’t protect someone, not my father and not Crimzon.”

“That’s a little unfair don’t you think. You were just a child, no one can protect anyone from everything. It wasn’t our fault.”

“I know that now. For a long time, I just felt helpless. Growing up I could barely help my mother who took on the kingdom all on her shoulders, with the responsibility of many lives. I know there probably wasn’t much I could do on that day. But Crimzon didn’t let that stop him from doing something. My mother couldn’t do anything to help Crimzon or you at the time you were dead, so she did the only thing she could do and struck a deal with Atlas. Now years later you’re both here. All I did growing up was learn and train as a princess preparing to succeed my mother, I felt hollow like I didn’t know if I wanted to do any of it.”

Lori pauses fighting her own voices in her head. Shutting them out, battling against herself, she wins and regains her composure.

“Sorry. I had hope that I could see the same Crimzon again, but I can’t. He’s gone. That hope didn’t disappear, it kept me going to today, where I met Crimzon, this Crimzon. Earlier he reminded me of who our Crimzon was and that I can still live my life to the fullest because of him, for what he did for me on that day. I was taken back but now I think I know who I want to become.”

“Who do you want to become Lori?”

“I want to become strong and kind like Crimzon and my mother. Strong enough to protect those around me and help the people. What about you Irin?”

“Well, I’m no princess nor queen. I’m just a nobody with no family or memories.”

“I think that, that in itself is a good thing. You get to start living now, creating memories and relationships. Your past may never comeback, you may not gain any memories but why not become now who you want to be?”

“I don’t have a family, just Crimzon, Mirain and Aiko. I’m not sure what will happen after the Rite.”

“Didn’t the three of you make an agreement to stay together until Mirai became your age today?”

“We did. But I hear that it can be difficult to be recruited as a group. So, what if we have to split up, the orphanage won’t be here anymore.”

“Irin, do you know how you got your name?”

“No. No, I don’t.”

“My mother had every guard search for anyone that lost their daughter on the day of the chimera attack. No one had a daughter missing. When Aiko was sent to this orphanage my mother came and saw how the bodies healed and grew. She told Aiko that she wanted to give you a name and, in the registry, she input Irin. My mother didn’t want to see someone waking up without a name, like they did not belong. My mother named you.”

“Your mother, the queen named me?”

“Yes, she did. My mother gave Aiko instructions that if you are recruited at the Rite, we would love to make all three of you an offer to have you come to Aurora. There’s too much history between all of us not to be together and grow with each other. But that’s if that’s what all of you want. We don’t want to force you.”

“Is that really an option?”

“Yes, it is Irin.” Lori embraces her.

I feel lighter. Lighter but still clouded. Do I deserve this being with everyone when I’m the one that feels out of place? Everyone here knew Crimzon before except me, I was the unknown girl that no one knew or wanted. I only know Crimzon from this orphanage, but even that, Aiko may know him from their world or a variant of him. Lori, you’re stronger than you realize because you have an identity, and even if it is recent, you found what you want to fight for.

“Thank you, Lori. But do you think we could spar tomorrow. There’s something I want to know about myself.”

The next day.

Lori was taken back by my request to spar with her, but she understood where I was coming from. Why I feel like I need to spar with her. Even if I don’t find what I want today through this, maybe I can have something I need for myself.

*Knock* *Knock*

“Come in.”

“Yo. Good morning, Irin.” Crimzon pops his head in after opening my door.

“Crimzon? Good morning.” Why do I feel nervous? I know we let everyone know last night that we were going to spar. So why is he here to see me? Couldn’t he wait till the sparring session?

“Irin, are you okay?”

“Eh, yes. Yes, I’m fine why do you ask.” Where are my gauntlets.

“You seemed down last night when you and Lori came to tell us of the sparring session today. So, I wanted to check on you that this is something you want to do.”

“Oh yeah, I hear Lori’s skills are great and I figured it would be good to go against someone other than you. You know someone new to get to know.”

Crimzon surveys my room and looks at me. He must be trying to gauge my intentions. Maybe…As I turn to look at him, he’s right there and comforts me with a hug. My eyes…why are they tearing up? Why is he hugging me? What is this, my heart aches so much. This warmth, it feels like something is melting away. Why am I crying?!

“Irin, here in this world you’re my family. I know you may think that you’re no one because you may not have your identity or understand who you are. Let me tell you who you are to me. From the moment I woke up yesterday, you are genuine, caring, thoughtful to a nobody like me who just arrived. No one asked you to do it, no one told you to be there for me. But you were the first to reach out to me as you are, like a sister watching over her siblings. For me you are my new family with Mirai, so please lean on me to help you too. Thank you for accepting me.”

“Why? How? How could you know I was feeling this way? Did she, did Lori tell you?!” I try to pull back, but I find myself trying to hit his chest. Pounding on it with my fist, but he holds me tight. Not to hurt me just to hold me.

“Nai, she didn’t say a word to me. I’ve had my fill of not knowing who I am because I never lived for myself. I took responsibility seriously and put people ahead of myself that I thought didn’t matter. Then I began to think that no one saw me, no one would care. I felt hollow and empty. I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t have an identity to call myself and I wanted to end it many times.”

“Then what did you do?” He wanted to take his own life? He felt empty like me? How could that be? I’m no longer resisting him, not pounding on his chest. I’m just listening, hanging on to his next word.

“I started with what I do. My actions. People thought I was kind and didn’t understand why or where my kindness comes from. But it my actions define who I am. I was kind to people because that is part of who I am. When you can see your actions and understand why you do it, even questioning why you do it, then you’ll begin to see who you really are hidden away inside.”

Crimzon begins to loosen up sensing I’m beginning to calm down and relax. My heartbeat is no longer racing. His arms drop as he takes a step back. His eyes are glassy, and he smiles…I realize the look he has reflects me. He looks now how I feel, his words were not lies. He’s telling me the truth. But why?!

“Why would you want to kill yourself Crimzon?”

He takes a deep breath and is still. He doesn’t exhale, just being calm.

“Monotony contributed to how I felt…empty, separated, and loneliness…Not having enough moments and experiences to share with friends and loved ones…that probably made me want to take that step over the edge. I don’t think anyone misses me in my world. So, I think where I am, currently here in your world, I’m starting to feel alive.”

I get it now. This darkness and loneliness in my heart is because I’m afraid no one will see me. I believed no one saw me and I let my past determine who I am. I do determine my identity, I can decide who I want to become. I thought Lori and I were different, but I understand now what she was saying last night.

“But where do I start?”

“In just the day I’ve been here, it seems like you always want to train. Why not start there today with your sparring with Lori.”

The heavy weight seems to have left me, but I still feel something. My thoughts are clear and not filled with noise, nor does my head feel clouded. Crimzon accepts me as family, even from just knowing me a day. I must accept myself now.

I leaned into Crimzon and gave him a hug.

“Thank you Crimzon. I feel lighter, but it feels like something lingers.”

“It’ll be gone after today. Let it all out.”

We make our way to the living room where everyone is waiting. Aiko leads us outside in the back where a metal floor lifts and on the sides poles that extend around it from the ground. Aiko waves over to some people who just arrived from the kingdom, and they initiate the poles to power on. An invisible barrier flickers as it establishes a perimeter and then it goes completely invisible to the human eye. However, with the Iris+1 I can see the barrier walls and the height.

Aiko approaches, “This will allow the both of you to go all out in your sparring session. The walls are barriers that allow air flow and keep out any attacks from leaving the area. It’s something new that the kingdom wants to test out, so Elsa invited her technician, Yuna along as well. Yuna calls this invention Realm.”

I make my way to the Realm where Lori is waiting. Kana greets me at the edge of the Realm. She smiles with a tenacious look of encouragement.

“Let it all out Irin! We’ll all be here for both of you and don’t worry about princess. She may not look it, but she can keep up with me and that’s saying a lot.”

“Thank you, Kana.”

“Irin, be careful her Gift is All Hail a very unique one.”

I walk up to Lori fully geared and ready to go. I pull my gloves and gauntlets on tight thank her. Lori nods and reaches out her fist.

“Don’t hold back Irin. Let it all out and I’ll match you all the way!”

“You got it!”