Take 10 – It Reminded Me That Story About the Wolf

Agami leaned back, letting out an empty laugh as he collapsed onto the blanket, covering his eyes with his forearm.

“I didn’t expect you to feel the same…” he said, forcing a chuckle. “Didn’t expect it to hurt any less than it does…”

“Agami… I’m sorry, I—”

“But I wish you’d at least had the guts to reject me straight-up instead of trying to dodge it with a joke…”

That nervous, forced laugh faded a little more with every word, each syllable sounding heavier.

“Idiot, didn’t you just hear what I said!?” I raised my voice on impulse, trying to uncover his face, but he pushed back, keeping it hidden.

“I heard you… it’s just like that time you told everyone you fought five guys at once and that’s why you missed a week of school, remember? When I came over, you were just watching TV like nothing happened…”

“This isn’t—”

“Don’t I at least deserve you being straight with me? I just want it to stop hurting so much…”

That last sentence… how many times had I said it to myself while staring at the pill bottle?
How many times had I felt like the pain was just going to split me in two?

“Why didn’t you tell me from the start, Haruka?”

“I-I… didn’t know how to… You really think this is a situation I’d want to be in? You’re an idiot if you think I’d hurt you on purpose…”

“Then why’ve you been rubbing it in my face this whole time?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked, pulling a bit harder, but his arm was like a shield guarding his face.

“Let go, damn it!” He said, shoving me away with his arm. It was rough, and somehow, I got it, how could I not? “Out of nowhere, you show up with Iori… you’re with her every day… I could handle it… thought I could,” he muttered, sitting up.

“What the hell does Iori have to do with this? Are you deaf, stupid, or o a both?”

“You brought her to the club… forced me to spend time with her… forced me to watch you two at the café… That’s your way of not hurting me, Haruka? Because if it is, I don’t want to imagine what you’d do when you actually mean it.”

What was I supposed to do?
I could show him the stack of medical reports, tell him the truth, that Iori was into him.
Would any of that help?
I think some pains still don’t have an anesthetic.

“Hah… just… listen to me for a second…” I tried putting my hand on his, but he pulled away instinctively, like it was a hot iron.

“What the hell do you want?” He said, turning his gaze to the opposite side.

“There’s no going back after this, right?”

He didn’t answer, just turned away further and started rubbing his hair. I hadn’t seen that gesture in ages, not since we were kids and his dad would berate him.

“I’m not into Iori, not the way you think…”

“Then why’d you drag her into all this?”

Sometimes, when you try to fix a problem, it splits into two.
Those two multiply, and if you don’t cut it off at the root, you end up getting swallowed by them.

I couldn’t...no, I wouldn’t lie to him again, but I wasn’t about to throw Iori under the bus either.“

Because she’s an idiot… much like me… and a little bit like you…” I sat back-to-back with him, my spine against his. “Don’t you dare move… I’m comfortable,” I said, letting out a sigh.

“That’s all?”

“Nothing more, Agami…”

“But still, I—”

“I know it hurts. Feels like someone’s squeezing your heart from the inside, doesn’t it?”

“Feels like someone shoved a damn grenade in my chest…” He said, shifting to align his back more with mine. “I’m scared…”

“Of what?”

“That tomorrow we won’t even be able to look at each other… that it’ll be awkward…”

“Even after saying there was no turning back from this... well... honestly I don’t think so…”

“I’m scared I don’t actually believe you… and that I’ll hurt Iori because of this.”

“Ha! As if you could hurt anyone…” I said, letting out a small laugh that, though out of place, found a way out. “I’m… I’m the one who does that…” I continued.

I glanced back. Agami looked like a kid, hugging his knees with his face buried in them. Honestly, I never thought I’d see a reaction like that from him.

“One more question… Let’s say…” I hesitated, knowing I probably shouldn’t go on, but if I was stepping into the mud, I’d sink up to my knees. “…hypothetically, I had a few months, or years, left… would you still feel the same?”

“I can’t control how I feel, Haruka…”

“Let me put it another way. Would you still want to be with me?”

“You’d always be my friend.”

“You know that’s not what I mean,” I said, knocking my head against his. “We crossed the friendship line like 30 minutes ago.”

“What are you trying to do?”

“Just… answer the question…”

“Yes.”

“Wow…”

“What, idiot?”

“Nothing… just… you didn’t hesitate for a second. I told you we’re supposed to act, get in character, dumbass.”

“That’s what I did.”

“You wouldn’t hate me in the end?”

“Of course I would… but I’d wait until we met again to kick your damn ass…”

“There’s no afterlife, Agami…”

“You don’t know that.”

“I’m pretty sure there isn’t. What would you do then?”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Come on, just follow me…”

“Alright… honestly?”

“Honestly.”

“I’d break your spine if you vanished for weeks again.”

“Sure, you’d stick to me like a slug.”

I let my head fall back, resting it on his shoulder.
He curled up tighter.

I was tired.
Tired of wearing this mask all the time.
Tired of spending my life dying instead of my death living.
Tired of asking myself questions whose answers, in another moment, might not have mattered.

“Warning, I’m a pretty damn good actor.”

“What the hell are you saying?” He turned so fast I ended up on the floor.

“That if we play… you’ll probably end up crying.”

For the first time, something in me hadn’t broken, it was me who’d broken it.
And, I think, more importantly, for the first time, I saw Agami’s face turn that red.

“You mean…”

“I’d never know how to answer an ‘I like you,’” I said, sitting up. We were side by side, facing opposite directions but looking at the same place. “Mainly because it’s not a question.”

“I-It’s implied, idiot…”

“No, no, that’s not how it works…”

“Then…” I could feel how hard it was for him to finish the sentence. “If I did ask… what would you say?”

“Absurdly cliché stuff, obviously.”

“Idiot… I’m asking for real…”

“Hm… I’d say something like ‘thanks for waiting for me,’” I said, pulling out my cigarettes and lighting two, handing one to Agami. “I’d say… ‘I don't know for sure but I think I like you too,’ and… ‘please, don’t cry in the end.’”

If I’d been in that story about the boy and the wolf, I probably wouldn’t have believed him at first either, but I’d have kept a rifle handy, you know, just in case…