Chapter Thirteen

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Chapter Thirteen

“FUGUUUUUUU!” I screamed as I fell through the dark and empty void. There was nothing here except me and my voice, which made me want to scream even louder to drown out the overwhelming silence all around me. There wasn’t even any air to blow my hair back, which made it hard to tell if I was even falling anymore, or if I was just floating in the middle of this weird, black nothingne—

I hit the ground.

“Ow,” I whispered.

Lying on my back, I tried to make sense of what I was seeing above me. It looked like some kind of forest, but there were too many colors for it to be any kind of forest I’d ever seen before. My head was spinning too hard to make out any details, but while everything I was seeing was definitely off, it also felt familiar somehow.

“Hey, I found her!” someone yelled. “She’s over here!”

A blurry figure appeared above me. Again, something about it struck me as familiar, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. I heard footsteps, and a few seconds later a second murky and indistinct figure appeared.

“Are you okay?” the second one asked.

“Umblefung,” I answered.

“Yep, she’s fine.” The first blur knelt down and grabbed my arm. “Help me get her on her feet.”

The world spun even more chaotically around me as they hauled me upright, and for a few seconds I actually thought I was going to throw up. I had set a new record in the pie eating contest at the county fair last year and then proceeded to ride the Spine Flayer 9000 thirty two times in a row, and the idea of puking my guts out had never once crossed my…stomach. What in the name of eggnog had Brother Fossilicious done to me?

“Just give it a few seconds,” said the second blur. “Once we stood up, we both felt a lot better.”

They let go of me—and then promptly grabbed me again when I began to fall forward. But as they straightened me a second time, I blinked and shook my head. They were right, I realized. I did feel a little better.

“Wha…happen?” I managed to ask.

“We’re still trying to figure that out ourselves,” second the first blur.

Shaking my head again, I planted my feet beneath myself, and the two blurs tentatively let go of me. I swayed a little, but this time I managed to stay on my feet. The world had almost stopped spinning—more like a lazy merry-go-round than one of those insane slingshot rides—and I was finally able to get a good look at my surroundings.

What I saw nearly knocked me out of my Shikai Warriors-patterned socks.

I was in a forest…kind of. Trees taller than any I had ever seen before reached for the sky all around me. Their bark was snow-white, though, with bright red stripes winding around them like gigantic candy canes. Instead of leaves, little vines grew from the branches, at the end of which clung shiny, multicolored fruits. These fruits hovered at the end of their strings, bumping clumsily into each other every time the breeze blew through, filling the woods with that annoying sound you get when you rub two balloons together.

Something darted past my feet, and I looked down to see a little rodent with a big, bushy tail and a pair of wings growing from its back. It looked back up at me, whistled a few notes, and then flew off into the rubbery treetops.

“What the—” I exclaimed. “Was that a squirb?”

That was impossible, though. Squirbs only existed in…

The undergrowth nearby rustled, and I spun around just as a hulking brown shape emerged from what looked like a cotton candy bush, munching contentedly on a mouthful or pink fluff. It walked on thin, almost dainty, hooved legs that didn't at all match the enormous round body that sat on top of them.

“A beer too?” I asked.

Its ears twitched nervously, and it swung its bulky antlered head toward us. It stared at me for a few seconds with its big, round eyes, and I began to reach for my weapon.

Could I fight a bear? This thing may only have been half bear, but those teeth were still big enough to turn me into the world's coolest pincushion. The legs were obviously the weak point, I decided. Take out one of them, and the other three wouldn't be able to support its gigantic fuzzy butt.

To my relief, though, the beer only let out a soft “Meow!” and bolted into the woods, moving way faster than I'd thought it could. I watched it go before remembering that I wasn't alone here, and turned to get a good look at my blurry companions.

They were klaons like me, I realized. One was dressed up like a cowboy, with a comically oversized ten gallon hat on his head, and a star-shaped badge on his chest with the word SHERF scratched into it. The other was tall and sleek, with raven hair, black lips, and a long trench coat that was white on one side, and black on the other. For a second, I thought she was a maiam, but the fact that she could talk—and, you know, wasn’t trying to bite my face off—told me that couldn’t be the case.

I had never seen either of these two before, of that I was completely certain. And yet, that sense of familiarity wouldn’t go away…

“Wait a second,” I said slowly. “Hamstring? Yin?”

I blinked, surprised. Those hadn’t been the names I’d meant to say. I had meant to say Hamstring and Yin. No, Hamstring and…Ham…Yin…Hamstring…

“Just take it easy, Rhyen,” Yin said, reaching a hand out toward me. “It’s happening to us too.”

I glared at Yin and stepped out of her reach. Had she just called me Rhyen? As in, the name I gave my character in Big Tops and Boogeymen? What kind of a sick joke was this? My name wasn’t Rhyen, it was Rhyen!

Rhyen.

Rhyen…

Rhyen!

“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?” I yelled.

“I'm so glad you asked!”

I spun around, but couldn't see whoever had—

BOING!

The ground opened up like a trap door, and out popped Brother Fossilicious. He looked the same as he had a few minutes ago, except that instead of legs, a big spring emerged from the bottom of his robe, stretching down into the hole he'd come out of like some kind of Jerk-in-the-Box.

He spread his arms. “Welcome to the world of Big Tops and Boogeymen!”

“That…makes more sense than I'm comfortable admitting,” said Hamstring.

“I will be your ringmaster for the forthcoming adventure,” the old fart went on, “meaning that I am in control of everything you see!”

“If that's the case, couldn't you have given us something soft to land on?” I snapped.

He pointed at me. “You step in a bear trap for three points of damage.”

“What?” I took a step toward him. “No I—”

I put my foot down, and something snapped closed around my ankle. I screamed as pain lanced up and down my leg in a very three points-ish kind of way. Hamstring and Yin hurried over, and together they were able to pry the bear trap loose.

“Where did that even come from?” I demanded, angrily kicking it away.

“Attack roll: three. You miss.”

My foot soared right over the trap, somehow missing it by more than six inches.

“Dexterity roll: one. You lose your balance and fall on top of the bear trap for five points.”

“You son of a corndog!” I yelled, arms windmilling as I fought to keep my balance. It was no good. I fell backwards and sat down on the stupid bear trap, leaping right back to my stupid feet again with a yelp when it clamped its stupid metal teeth on my stupid butt.

“As I was saying,” Brother Fossilicious said smugly as Yin and Hamstring worked to free my poor gluteus maximus. “I am in control of everything, so I suggest you listen very closely to what I'm about to say.”

I spun to face him, face blue and finger raised, ready to tell him where he could stuff his stupid game.

“Of course,” he cut me off, “if you don't want to play, we can call the Trial off right now. You won’t be able to inherit Opisthia’s hammer, but if you already want to give up then you were never worthy of it to—”

“Just,” I snapped, shoving my hands in my pockets before I could try to strangle him, “tell us what to do.”

Smiling in the most please-punch-me-in-the-face-ish way I'd ever seen, Brother Fossilicious turned on his spring and gestured toward the brightly colored world before us. “A test has been prepared especially for you, you Hunter—although I prefer to use the word adventure!”

And I prefer to use the term PAIN IN MY KEISTER!

“Seek out this adventure and see it through to its end. If you survive, you will be one step closer to what you desire.” He clasped his hands behind his back and looked slyly over his shoulder at me. “Fail, and…well, you won't have to worry about anything ever again!”

A chill ran down my spine.

“What's that supposed to mean?” Yin asked, though I felt like I already had a pretty good idea.

“Oh, didn't anyone tell you?” Brother Fossilicious asked in mock surprise. “Color points represent your life energy. If you run out—”

“We've played the game, we know how it works!” I snapped. “Drop the theatrics and get to the point!”

“You step in a—”

“DON'T YOU DARE!”

He chuckled, swaying back and forth on his spring as a breeze wafted through the woods. “You each have twenty color points—of course, poor Rhyen has already gone down to twelve.”

I fumed and imagined what it would be like to boil him like a cabbage.

“If you run out, you die.” He gave all three of us a grave look, but then a cruel grin spread across his face. “And not just in the game.”

Yep, I thought. Called it.

“How do we beat this adventure?” Hamstring asked.

“I can't tell you!” Brother Fossilicious giggled.

“Where are we supposed to go?” asked Yin.

“I can't tell you!”

“How long is this going to take?” I asked. “If you haven't noticed, we're kind of on a deadline here!”

Brother Fossilicious laughed while spinning on the end of his spring. “Oh, believe you me, young Hunter! You have far bigger things to worry about right now!”

I clenched my fists. If I hadn't known he would just make a hornet's nest appear inside my pants or something, I would have strangled him then and there. Maybe it would count as a boss fight.

“You have a long road ahead of you, adventurers!” the old klaon said, waving emphatically toward the horizon. “I suggest you get started!”

I exchanged looks with Hamstring and Yin, and they both shrugged at me as Brother Fossilicious was yanked back into his hole.

“And remember!” he called as the ground closed behind him. “I'm always watching!”

NEXT CHAPTER 10/8/25