Spin My Life Away!

“Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Willy’s magic show! Haha, glad to see you all excited and applauding. Thank you all, hope you’ll enjoy the spectacle!”

A tall, thin man was standing on a large scene as the curtains fully opened. The crowd in front of him screamed with joy and applauded at the sight of his black magician’s suit and tall top hat – typical magician attire.

While speaking and thanking everyone, he bowed forward repeatedly, his voice jovial and his laughter loud and happy.

“Now, let the show begin! Behind me… my assistant! He’ll help me with the first magic trick of the night! I call it Turning Human Knife Throwing!” He shouted, a wide grin spreading across his face as he walked to a large, colorful wheel at the center of the stage.

Strapped in a star-shaped position to the wheel, a man dressed in gray trousers and a gray shirt waited, his face tense as he took quick, shallow breaths.

“Now you’d better not mess this up. There are more than a thousand people here. You know what that means? Money! If you move, you ruin the trick, we lose popularity and money. And then… I’ll have to cut your pay.” The magician whispered into his assistant’s ear. The assistant clenched his teeth in anger.

“Fuck this! If only I wasn’t so poor and unlucky, I could’ve avoided taking every lousy job that accepts someone with no experience! I hate this job… fuck, I’m so miserable, just exposed under these spectators’ eyes like an animal in a zoo! But it’s the only job that wants me and pays! Endure it a little longer, until you’ve made enough to get out of here!” He thought.

Endure it, yes – if he could force his stomach not to turn and his mind not to drift away while spinning, maybe he’d be fine. The magician grabbed the wheel and spun it with all his strength. Faster and faster it went. The assistant’s vision blurred, stage lights flashing into streaks across his eyes.

He couldn’t hear, couldn’t tell how much time had passed, couldn’t process what was happening around him. The wheel didn’t slow down.

“My body is vomit… I am vomit… What is vomit? Vomit is me!”

He vomited.

So disgusting, smells like fish, could have kept it in!

The spinning was so violent his guts tuned to yogurt and surged upward, splattering the stage floor. The audience cheered, half disgusted, half delighted.

Suddenly, a sharp percussive sound echoed in the assistant’s head. He looked down and screamed like a little girl you’d scare by suddenly appearing in front of her without a sound or a sign.

“He managed to throw and stick a knife right between my legs? MY BALLS! Did he think of this? They’re precious!”

Knives came flying in his direction. The magician hurled them in all sorts of strange ways. Between his legs? He threw one. Like darts? He did it. While doing a handstand on a spectator’s shoulders and tossing one with his bare feet? He pulled that off too.

He could have thrown the knife with his ass, and the public still would have loved it.

The assistant lost count, his stomach completely twisted into knots and his brain mashed to pulp. He could only pray for his life as the knives whizzed dangerously close to every part of his body.

Well, to be precise, mostly closer to his genitals. They seemed like a magnet for the knives. Or maybe the magician just had a thing for that area. A question better left unanswered.

As the curtains were closing, the roaring applause pounded his aching head while the wheel finally slowed. He stopped spinning, dizzy and trembling, clothes splattered with vomit.

The magician stepped out from behind the wheel, feigning concern. The smell of burning reached the assistant’s nose.

“Well, a little setback. I just told them the next trick would take a little time to prepare. Go change your clothes and clean the floor, quickly. You’re disgusting. At least you didn’t move too much, and I made quite the impression back there. They thought I was extremely powerful since the wheel didn’t stop. Dumbasses! If only they knew there’s a motor behind! Too bad it overheated. I was going to do the final touch of the trick!” He uttered as he unstrapped his assistant.

“Ah… fuck. I feel so bad… focus… keep track of everything… don’t be dizzy… so much to do in no time…”

The assistant stumbled offstage toward the backstage corridor, steadying himself against the wall as his world spun. In front of his eyes, little wheels – like the ones you can see in TV shows, the kind you spin to win a prize – floated all around him.

“The fu…? I must’ve spent too much time on that wheel. I’m seeing wheels everywhere…”

He staggered toward the dark end of the corridor. His vision was too fuzzy to see much.

He reached for the handle and gripped it firmly.

“Hnnnnnnnnggg”

“What the… Why is the handle moaning?!”

“Spin me! Make me turn like crazy! Grab my rod and spin me hard!”

He let go immediately, flashes exploding in front of his eyes just as he was starting to recover from earlier.

When he could see again, his jaw dropped.

In front of him, illuminating the darkness: a real wheel. Not a hallucination. Multi-colored, lit by flashing spotlights like a concert stage.

A big red arrow pointed from the outside to the inside – the very thing he’d just grabbed. But what really caught his attention were the words on the wheel.

Two options. Two perfect halves. Fifty-fifty.

“Spin me! I cant wait! It’s jackpot time!” The wheel’s voice clinked like the sound of casino slot machines.

The choices were crystal clear: ‘New Tremendous Life’ or ‘Feel Like Shit and Continue Your Life Here’.

“What can a strange wheel do to help my situation… Nah, I must hurry back on stage. Where’s my room?”

He turned away, searching for another door handle. The wheel clanged with a metallic snap.

Suddenly, his body crouched, walking sideways like a crab, claws mimicked in the air. He looked horrified – his body was not obeying him.

“Come spin me! You can’t escape THE WHEEL!”

He stared in disbelief, scuttling toward it against his will. His crab act was surprisingly convincing – probably from that play he once did in college. Cute little crab.

“Fine. I’ll spin you, okay? Then whoever’s speaking through this damn wheel, leave me alone after that, got it?”

Instantly, he regained control of his body and stood. His nausea faded. He grabbed a rod on the wheel’s side and spun it with everything he had left.

“At least land on the better option. It’d be funny to have luck only for this shit.”

The wheel spun, his eyes fixed on it, watching the options flip as the red arrow ticked over each one. A ding rang with every turn, ramping up the suspense. His heart beat faster and faster, his breathing quickening.

Slower… slower… The arrow stopped almost on Feel like shit. He sighed–

But it nudged just a little farther… just a little more… it’s there… that’s the right spot! The wheel finally stopped.

Fireworks burst. Trumpets blared.

“New tremendous life is the option landed on by THE WHEEL!”

“Wait, am I only lucky in stupid games?”

The wheel trembled, its lights flaring red. A monstrous mouth appeared and opened wide. It gobbled him up before he could process what was happening, and a massive burp erupted from its maw.

The lights went out. The wheel was gone.

The assistant floated now in darkness, illuminated only by a ball of fireflies. Confused, panicked, he looked around.

“Thank you for spinning the wheel, Maxwell. You did well, even if it seemed absurd. My name’s Gilbert, pleased to meet you.” A nasal voice came from beneath the ball of fireflies.

Maxwell stared, jaw dropping.

“Why the fuck is there a talking goose here?!”