Ray - Voices (1)

She could hardly believe how good she finally felt, that she had found a place where all the worries she’d carried now seemed so unimportant.

She walked slowly to her sleeping mat and sat down on it. Her back pressed against the smooth, empty wall as she closed her eyes and relaxed. Finally, she felt her body loosen.

Novis was in high spirits in the dining hall and treated everyone to golden-pearl wine, usually reserved only for aiding especially deep cultivations, while Ormir had added fresh grape juice she had prepared herself. It had done Ray good to let her soul drift for once, to enjoy the cheer of others instead of brooding endlessly over the heavy questions that plagued her again and again.

She had liked the wine more than the juice, although as she left the hall a little unsteady, walking side by side with Demoa toward their rooms, she felt her Light slowly clearing her head again, easing the recklessness that had crept into her steps.

“A good day and an even better evening, right?” Demoa had called out, hiccupping lightly.

Apparently she hadn’t yet cleared away her tipsiness with her Lucidity, or maybe she didn’t want to.

“Yes. Finally some real peace from all the turmoil that’s been chasing us. Though you won’t be staying long, will you? You learn fast, and you seem to know exactly what you want. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but that’s the impression you give,” Ray had said.

“I do learn quickly, but not as quickly as you. Besides, why not enjoy the time here? Even if I’ve already found myself, I think.”

Ray flinched, looking at her with envy yet also happiness.

“That sounds wonderful. I only have a vague sense of direction. Still, I feel like I’m finally on the right path. And this place… I believe I can learn so much here, so maybe it isn’t such a bad thing that I’m meant to stay a while. The only thing pulling me away is Dio.”

“I can understand that.”

Demoa had smiled, and something in her eyes looked almost like pity. 

“What about Rad? Do you miss him too?”

“Yes,” Demoa answered quickly.

A little too quickly, in Ray’s opinion, though she didn’t press the point. Soon they had said their goodbyes and disappeared into their rooms.

The cold wall against Ray’s back felt refreshing. She looked at the small patch of light cast onto the floor by the full moon. When Ray noticed that the bright square was faintly pulsing, she froze.

Was she only imagining it? Had the effects of the wine not fully worn off? 

No. It was plain to see, no matter how long she stared. Irregular, but unmistakable flickering. She got up quickly and looked out the window, scanning the rolling hills below. Her breath caught, and a startled gasp escaped her.

All across the landscape, points of light appeared like lost fireflies trying to draw the attention of their kin. The glowing spots were scattered: some shining on the platforms beneath her, others in the windows of nearby buildings, and more still near the lake, which shimmered in the moonlight.

Ray gripped the bare windowsill and leaned forward, squinting to make out more detail. Not far away, on one of the platforms, she recognized that the glowing shape was a person lying down.

They’re cultivating and training their Lucidity! 

Immediately, she felt a pang of guilt for celebrating instead of working on herself. Had it really been wise to waste her time? Maybe eternity stretched before her, yet she still couldn’t expect to bring her Light to people at the moment, or to finally use it properly and justly, without effort. A small, warm feeling in her thoughts reminded her that Dio was waiting for her, and once again guilt welled up inside her.

Dio, I know you would have allowed me this celebration. You probably would have told me I should take care of myself too, that I’m obliged to take time for me. But I can’t. I have to grow stronger, and I have to control it, Ray thought, heat flooding her cheeks with shame, even though no one else was in the room.

She quickly lay down and forced herself to dive inward. She would have liked to keep watching out the window, to keep observing the others, so calm and happy, but that could wait. She had relaxed enough. Now work was calling.

As always, the Light blazed within her, and Ray felt as if she were walking inside a fortress of radiant stone, walls that would protect her forever, a foundation now unshakable. She pictured herself climbing the steps of one of its towers, above her the shining crown that bathed her inner world in a glorious… no, sacred Light.

That was her. That was the Light! That was what she would bring to others!

Her gaze swept along the battlements in her inner self to the edge of her imagined bastion, where shimmer and brilliance held back the darkness at the edge of her mind. That glow, so subtle in appearance, yet powerful enough to outshine all the other students, made her freeze in awe. When Ray turned her focus to the darkness itself, she first felt her familiar fear, her uncertainty, then a sudden surge of fury.

How dare the darkness press in on her, this weakness festering within her own Light? And then Ray understood: it had never been the Light that stripped her of control. It had never been the wondrous, sacred radiance of the halo that betrayed her, when she woke the two men, when she… 

Elga. 

It had been her own fear, her weakness. And that weakness was still out there, whirling around, mocking her, refusing to let go.

“NO!” she cried suddenly, and her voice rang through the visions of herself. The word crashed against the glowing walls around her, amplified until the ground beneath her feet trembled. Ray felt the word burst outward, only to be swallowed in smothering blackness.

That only enraged her more.

Enough. 

She knew now that the darkness fed on her weakness, some alien force she had sensed clinging to her ever since her arrival in the Dream. Dio had felt it too, hadn’t he?

I don’t know if my fear distorts how I see the darkness, or if the darkness is what creates my fear… Maybe there’s something out there, waiting for us all along…

He had sensed it when they strode through that forest near the place of their arrival; something that had been with them, fastening itself to her through her pathetic fear, now feeding on her frailty.

This time, when Ray looked into the dark, she was smiling.

“The circle is mine. The Light is mine, and the good is mine. Whatever you are, I know you felt my power in that forest! You wanted that power. But I am not your home. You will leave me, NOW!”

Her voice grew louder and louder, echoing once more through her fortress as she surrendered herself to the circle’s Light. Ray seized it and spread it outward, just as she had during the group cultivation earlier. This time, though, she didn’t take only the glow, not merely the outer edge. She grasped everything and, with cold contempt, pushed it out. 

White radiance, indescribable brilliance, filled her inner world, struck into the darkness, and drove it back. For a moment, Ray almost thought she heard a painful groan in the black, some entity she had finally recognized and banished.

Then she drew the Light back in, leaving only her fortress standing beneath a shining eternal sky and infinite ground within herself.

I did it…

Slowly, blissfully, she resurfaced, finding herself once again lying on her mat. Ray felt as if she could do anything. She sat up and leaned back against the wall. Her hair clung to her face, and she was drenched in sweat, but she didn’t care. At last, she had driven out what had tormented her new existence for so long.

“It wasn’t me… it was something else. It wasn’t me…” she sighed softly, then laughed.

Slowly, she stretched out her hand and used a fraction of her Lucidity. Suddenly it was so much easier, almost instinctive. She felt as though a massive interference had vanished, something that had held her back, as if an annoying hum had finally gone silent, no longer numbing her thoughts and focus. With only a brief thought of a glowing sphere, a faint aura shimmered around her, and a sharp little ball of Light, exactly as she had imagined, floated up from her palm. When she let it fade, Ray broke into uncontrollable, relieved giggles.

It’s gone. It was blocking me, gnawing at me… Maybe the birth of the Sun was my subconscious trying to drive that thing away? That strange, nightmarish creature from the forest? It didn’t expect me to fight so hard. It woke Elga, and for that, it’s paid the price… Ray realized with joy.

Now, she felt sick.

The feeling didn’t rise out of nowhere; it came from something that had appeared across from her, in the corner of the room. A dark blotch, as if the last corner of the chamber had dissolved into black nothingness. Ray jolted upright. When had it appeared? She glared at the spot in fury. She didn’t need to be afraid of it. It was only the thing from the forest, broken and weakened.

In the darkness, it seemed to seethe and shiver. Strange bodies writhed there, steeped in bottomless malice. Ray had had enough.

“I despise you! This darkness… YOU ARE EVIL!” she spat toward the corner of her room.

“Shadows are not always evil!” came the reply, against all her expectations.