Chapter 1: Welcome to Paradise

My neighbor Joey was complaining to me about my overgrown grass. He was always an asshole, and it makes sense that’s how he would be when the world ended. He was in his 50s, had a big beer gut, and one of those douchey goatees. He gestured to my yard, and I looked down. Maybe it was a bit wild, but I could still walk in it fine. I wiped my eyes with one hand while the other held the leash to my dog, Patti, who was currently cowering behind me.

“It looks like fucking shit, Max! God damn it, I got family coming over and they’re going to see this shit!” I reached into my pocket and pulled out a crumpled pack of smokes. I put a cigarette in my mouth and fished around in my pocket for my lighter. I felt something unusual and pulled out a large, yellow coin. That’s weird. I don’t carry coins. The coin was large and yellow, with an X on the top and blank on the bottom. I kept looking at the coin as I fished out my lighter.

I lit up and took a drag. The coin was about the size of a silver dollar and thin. It felt very sturdy in my hand, like I couldn’t bend it despite how thin it was. Whatever I thought as I shoved it back in my pocket and looked back at my neighbor. Joey was still going on about my grass. I looked down, and saw Patti with her tail between her legs. I interrupted Joey.

“Take it up with the homeowner’s association, Joey,” as I started to lead Patti back to my house.

“There IS no fucking HOA!” Joey yelled at me, spit flying out.

I looked back and took a drag and just laughed. “Shit, you’re right! Now stay off my property. Your foot’s past the line.” I pointed at his boot that had crossed over.

Joey looked down, red-faced, and started sputtering. It was easy to get him going, and it amused me to no end. Here’s the thing: if he weren’t such an asshole, I would have taken care of my lawn. He was leaning forward now, stretching out his cinnamon roll arm, mouth open and ready to say something, when he froze in place, his eyes going wide. I took another drag, waiting to see what he was going to say.

Instead, what happened was his outstretched arm fell to the ground with a thud, and the front of his face began sliding down from the rest of his head, leaving a bloody snail trail floating in the air. My eyes and mouth went wide at what I was seeing, and the cigarette fell out of my lips just as his body crumpled over. Patti started barking and broke off in a run back to the house, leash trailing behind her. I could hear her paws scratching wildly at the glass door when I finally started to walk towards Joey.

“Uhh… you okay, Joey?” I said as I began to kneel down to examine my neighbor. His face and arm were on the grass near my feet, but I ignored them as I reached out to shake his body. My hand, however, struck an invisible plane. My eyes went even wider as I felt this invisible surface up and down. It was smooth but felt metallic to the touch.

“What the fuck..” I began to say as I was cut off by the invisible wall suddenly turning opaque and foggy white. There was a wall of white stretching as far as I could see in both directions, and it led all the way up to the sky. I reached out to the now visible wall and touched it again. Still smooth and metallic. I looked down at Joey’s face near my feet, it was hanging off some tall grass. The world suddenly took on a dull, white color. The sky, as well, had gone white and opaque, and this time I started to really freak out.

“What the fuck? What the fucking fuck?” I yelled out loud. I frantically looked around, now inside a large, walled off area of white, foggy walls and ceiling. Patti quickly ran back to my side, and I almost tripped on her as I spun around, taking in what was happening.

In the foggy white sky above, there suddenly appeared a tight-skinned, wide-eyed woman’s face. It was giant and filled the sky. It just hung there for a moment, the face not moving, but the eyes were looking off to the side. I just stared back up in horror before the giant head finally spoke.

“Hello, people of Earth! My name is Jessica!” the huge disembodied head boomed. There was a static noise while she was speaking. “As some of you might have noticed, there are now walls separating parts of your world. If you have not seen the walls, we assure you, they are there. These walls are put in place to create a series of zones that we will populate shortly after we conclude the introductions.”

I heard a scream in the distance, and I looked around but saw nothing.

“You may be wondering what is happening, so I’d like to explain. Your planet, CS-234-X, also known as Earth, has been selected as the next candidate to join the Selarian Life League. Congratulations! You’re all such lucky boys and girls! We are so glad that you accepted! As part of your acceptance, your planet will now participate in Maze Twenty! Wa wa wee wow!” My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Was that Borat? The head continued.

“ Some of you may have already found your game token, which we will need for the next part. In case you haven’t found it, it’s a big, yellow coin we hid on your person! You will need to get out your coin and press your thumb to the smooth side to activate it. Once activated, your game manual will appear and help walk you through these next steps, which are a doozy! We will meet back in thirty minutes to continue.” There was a pause as the head’s smile became more sinister. “If you have not activated your game manual before the timer is up, you will melt and most likely not live from that. Thank you!”

The giant head remained in the sky, unblinking and smiling at nothing. The opaque walls suddenly showed large, towering numbers. It was a countdown timer from thirty minutes. My legs gave out and I fell backwards onto the grass. Patti dodged my fall and quickly crawled onto my lap. I just stared at the numbers, and then up at the floating head. Patti began licking my hand, and I looked down at her. Breathe, Max. Just breathe.

“Excuse me!” said Jessica, the giant head. “We’re five minutes in, and less than 10% of you humans have used your token to access your game manual. In case you’re not sure what it looks like, this is it, and we really recommend you get it out now! Remember, you will melt if you don’t do this. That part is serious. You will melt and become soup.” Jessica’s head transformed into a spinning, yellow coin. I just stared at the image before slowly looking down at my jeans. My hand reached inside and I pulled out the… thing.

I saw the colors change in the sky, and I looked back up. There was now a cartoon thumb in addition to the coin, and it was making a jerking motion back and forth. It was showing how to press your thumb against the smooth side of the coin. I watched and I followed the directions. I pressed my thumb against the smooth side, and it instantly began to sear my flesh. I let out a scream, and the coin got tossed in the air during my panic. I clutched my hand to my chest and made pained noises before sneaking a look to assess the damage. My thumb, to my surprise, had not been burned. The wall made a beeping noise, and I looked over to see it had just ticked down to twenty minutes. The coin, I thought in a panic. I just lost it in the grass when it threw it.

I scrambled on my hands and knees in the grass looking for the yellow coin, but my lawn was overgrown, and it was hard to see anything. Why the fuck didn’t I mow, I thought. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why didn't I listen asshole neighbor and mow! I began tearing chunks of grass out by the handful, anything to help find the damn thing.

“Hey, your game token is over here!” I heard a woman’s voice call. I looked around and saw a glowing light in the grass, and I crawled over quickly. There it was, the yellow coin! I picked it up and clutched it tightly to my chest. I stood up while looking down at the coin and began to say to the woman, “Thank you so much, I-” but I was cut off by what I saw.

In front of me was a tall woman standing in my yard. She was completely tinged in yellow, the same color as the coin. She was fairly normal-looking except for her head, which was an octopus's head. Like, the whole thing where the head drooped backwards and she had little tentacles where her jawline was. I just stared at her while Patti went up and sniffed the yellowed octopus lady. She took a few steps back from Patti and laughed shyly. “Sorry, I get scared around their kind. Can she speak?”

I stood there and stared. “Um, no. She’s a pit bull mix.” She looked at me as if I had said the most insane thing ever. She turned her attention to the countdown wall and then back to me.

“Okay, we don’t have much time. You see those numbers there?” She pointed at the ticking number, which was now at fourteen minutes. “It’s very, very important that I get you ready for when that timer ends. I am your game manual, which means I’m here to help you.”

“I… uh… what?” I sputtered at the woman. “Am I dead?”

“No, you’re not dead, now listen closely. Your world is joining the Selerian Life League. Before your planet can enter, however, your planet will play a game called Maze Twenty. The game ends once the population is reduced to 20% of what it was before this all started. My name is Jay. I am from another world that has gone through this process. What’s going to-”

I cut her off. “80% of everyone is going to die?”

“Shhh, little, weird monkey man. There will be time later for questions, I promise.” One of her tentacles went to her mouth to make a shushing noise. When that timer ends, three things will happen. First, you will flip your game token to decide if you remain human or choose a different race. If you have to-”

“Change my race?!” I exclaimed loudly. Jay tilted her Octopus head at me and gave me a scolding look. I remained quiet.

“If you have to choose a different race, you’ll have a list pulled up of all the different races you can choose from. You will need to choose two, and then you’ll flip your token to decide between those two, and that’s it. You will then be given a list of classes that your race can choose, and again, you will choose two and flip for it.”

“Like Dungeons and Dragons?” I asked.

“Yeah, I don’t know what that is, but sure. After race and class are chosen, you’re going to see a series of coin flips happen on the screen. This is the game master,” Jay pointed at Jessica’s floating head, “choosing what to put in your section of the maze. Once it finishes, this zone you’re in will begin preparing and we’ll have a bit of time before it all officially begins. During that time, I will explain Maze Twenty’s rules to you. Any questions?”

I just looked at her blankly, and she stared back with her large eyes. I looked around slowly, first at the timer, which was now under three minutes. Then I looked up at Jessica floating in the sky. She was still smiling and unblinking. Then I saw Patti was sniffing the cut-off face of my neighbor, Joey. I finally looked back at Jay and said, “Are you fucking serious? Yeah, like a million fucking questions.” I was going to say something else, but then the numbers turned red as they entered the final minute.

Jay looked at the wall. “Okay, it’s about to start. Remember, it’s those three things, and then we prepare for the game to start. Oh yeah, what’s your name?”

“Max. My name’s Max.” I said.

Jay turned her attention from the numbers to me and replied, “What? No, I know who you are, Max. I was talking to your companion.” She looked down at my dog, who was now standing by my side.

Patti wagged her tail, and her tongue hung out of her mouth as she stared up at the cephalopod woman.