Chapter 1: Welcome to Paradise

My neighbor Joey was being an asshole when the world ended, which didn’t surprise me. He was always an asshole, and it makes sense that’s how he would be at the end. He was in his 50’s, had a big beer gut and one of those douchey goatees. He also wore these stupid sunglasses that made him look like an even bigger ass. He was complaining about my grass being tall and how I needed to mow it. He gestured to it and I looked down and maybe it was a bit wild, but I could still walk in it fine. I wiped my sleepy eyes with one hand while the other held the leash to my dog, Patti, who was currently cowering behind me.

My name is Max Milden. I’m tall, wiry and have a long, black mohawk that is either tied back in a pony tail or let loose and wild. I used to spike it up when I went out to house shows, and sometimes I still do when I go out, but mostly it remains ungelled and hanging down. I’m 29 and on the cusp of my thirties. That’s pretty scary to me, entering my thirties. I spent my late teens and early 20s working in kitchens to barely afford rent and to buy drugs and beer. That was a lot of fun for a while until friends started doing harder drugs and some even started dying off. Deaths have a way of changing one’s outlook and then the big death happened. My dad died. He was all I had in this world and despite being straight laced and not a fan of my musical tastes, he was a good man. I was hungover the morning I got the call about his death. He had a nice house with some acres of land in central Oklahoma that he left to me, and so I packed my bags and that’s how I ended up here.

I had just woken up and it was a bit past three in the afternoon. I know that's late in the day, but I’m a night guard at the local university, so my sleep was all messed up. My shift started in an hour, and I had just enough time to take my dog Patti outside and have a smoke. Patti was a stray I had found the last time I was bumming around the state. I was at a punk gathering when I found her whimpering behind a barn, paw stuck in a sticky trap, the kind you use for mice and bugs. She was growling when I approached her, but she let me examine her paw. After some pets and soothing words, I carried her to a gas station, bought some cooking oil and managed to get the trap off her paw. She’s been with me ever since. My wandering mind was brought back to the present when I heard my neighbor Joey smack his hands together to make some point.

“It looks like fucking shit, Max! God damn it, I got family coming over and they’re going to see this shit!” Joey said as he waved his meat paws towards my grass. He was now telling me I had two days to mow or else. I reached into my pocket and pulled out what was inside. I looked down to see a crumpled pack of smokes, a roach from a joint I smoked last night, my lighter, and… a large, yellow coin. That’s weird. Why the fuck was there a weird looking coin in my pocket? I don’t carry coins. I don’t carry money. The coin was large and yellow, with an X on the top. I shuffled the leash around so I could pull a smoke from the pack and I lit it up. Joey was now walking up and down my property line, pointing at stuff he wanted taken care of before his in-laws arrived.

I took a drag and exhaled before picking up the coin and looking at it closer. It was about the size of a silver dollar and thin. It felt very sturdy in my hand, like I couldn’t bend it despite how thin it was. The other side was blank and smooth with no markings. What the hell was this thing, I wondered. I shoved it back in my pocket and turned my attention back to my neighbor. Joey was now pointing at me and saying something else. I looked down and poor Patti was still too scared to pee. I reached down and rubbed her head and gave it a kiss. When I pulled back, her ears popped up and she stood up with some confidence. Her tail was still between her legs, but she was feeling better after that. I interrupted Joey.

“Take it up with the homeowner’s association, Joey” as I started to lead Patti away from the man.

“There IS no fucking HOA!” Joey yelled at me, spit flying out.

I looked back and took a drag and just laughed. “Shit, you’re right! Now stay off my fucking property. Your foot’s past the line.” I pointed at his boot that had crossed over.

Joey looked down, red faced and started sputtering. It was easy to get him going and it amused me to no end. Here’s the thing, if he wasn’t such an asshole, I would have taken care of my lawn. But nobody, especially some beer bellied redneck, was ever going to talk to me like that and get what they want. Fuck that. I don’t deal with bullies. Joey stared daggers at me and I could practically see the steam coming from his ears. He was leaning forward now, stretching out his cinnamon roll arm, mouth open and ready to say something when he froze in place, his eyes going wide. I took another drag, waiting to see what he was going to say.

Instead what happened was his outstretched arm fell to the ground with a thud, cut off from his body, and the front of his face began sliding down a clear surface. As his face slid down and left a bloody snail trail floating in the air, the rest of his body stayed up right, and I could see the inner workings of his head. My eyes and mouth went wide at what I was seeing and the cigarette fell out of my lips just as his body crumpled over. Patti started barking and broke off in a run back to the house, leash trailing behind her. I could hear her paws scratching wildly at the glass door when I finally started to walk towards Joey. I got close to him and I was staring at the levitating blood splatter when I looked down to see the corpse of my neighbor. His arm was draining blood onto his manicured grass and I looked at him, mouth still agape.

“Uhh… you okay Joey?” I said as I began to kneel down to examine my neighbor. His face and arm was on the grass near my feet, but I ignored it as I reached out to shake his body. My hand however struck an invisible plane. My eyes went even wider as I felt this invisible surface up and down. It was smooth but felt metallic to the touch.

“What the fuck..” I began to say as I was cut off by the invisible wall suddenly turning opaque and foggy white. I no longer could see Joey’s corpse on the other side and I instinctively pulled my hand away from the wall and started to back up, looking around me. There was a wall of white stretching as far as I could see in both directions and it led all the way up to the sky. I reached out to the now visible wall and touched it again. Still smooth and metallic. I looked down at Joey’s face near my feet and it was hanging off some tall grass. It made me nauseous and my hand went up to my mouth. I began to back away, slowly, looking from the wall to the face, and back again, before heading in the direction of my house. I was halfway across my lawn when the world suddenly took on a dull, white color. The sky as well had gone white and opaque and this time I started to really freak out.

“What the fuck? What the fucking fuck? Is this the rapture? Did I get raptured? Wait… DID I NOT GET RAPTURED?” I yelled out loud. I frantically looked around, now inside a large, mile wide dome of white, foggy walls and ceiling. Patti quickly ran back to my side and I almost tripped on her as I spun around, taking in what was happening. Patti let out a yelp and my hand reflexively went down to comfort her. Get it together Max, I thought. You’re freaking Patti out. Well, it’s kind of hard to not be freaked out right now!

In the foggy white sky above, there suddenly appeared a tight-skinned, wide-eyed woman’s face. It was giant and went on for miles and miles. It just hung there for a moment, the face not moving but the eyes were looking off to the side, as if for a cue. I just stared back up in disbelief for what must have been minutes. I didn’t even realize Patti had come to stand under my legs during this. If I had a tail, it would have been between my legs as well. We both just looked towards the sky in horror before the giant head finally spoke.

“Hello, people of Earth! My name is Jessica!”, the huge disembodied head boomed. There was a static noise while she was speaking. “As some of you might have noticed, there are now walls separating parts of your world. There are hundreds of these walled-off areas per continent, in some cases thousands! If you have not seen the walls, we assure you, they are there. These walls are put in place to create a series of zones that we will populate shortly after we conclude the introductions.”

I heard a scream in the distance and I looked around but saw nothing. What the fuck was going on, I wondered.

“You may be wondering what is happening, so I’d like to explain. Your planet, CS-234-X, also known as Earth, has been selected as the next candidate to join the Selarian Life League. Congratulations! You’re all such lucky boys and girls! This is a most honorable offer and we are so glad that you accepted! As part of you accepting, your planet will now participate in Maze Twenty! Wa wa wee wow!” Patti and I gave a look at each other at that last line. Was that Borat?

“There is just so much to learn, and we know all about how HUMANS love to learn!” The word humans was said in a different tone of voice, as if added after the fact. “This is where your game token comes into play! Some of you may have already found your token. In case you haven’t, it’s a big, yellow coin! We really hope you didn’t lose it, because you only get the one. You will need to get out your coin and press your thumb to the smooth side to activate it. Each token is coded specifically to your DNA, so no sharing! Once activated, your game manual will appear and help walk you through these next steps, which are a doozy! We will meet back in thirty minutes to continue. If you have not activated your game manual before the timer is up, you will unfortunately melt and most likely not live from that. Thank you!”

The giant head remained in the sky, unblinking and smiling at nothing. The opaque walls suddenly showed large, towering numbers. It was a countdown timer from thirty minutes. My legs gave out and I fell backwards onto the grass. Patti dodged my fall and quickly crawled onto my lap. I just stared at the numbers, and then up at the floating head. Patti began licking my hand and I looked down at her. Who was comforting who now? I moved my hand to scratch behind her ear and she pushed her head against my palm as I did. Breathe, Max. Just breathe.

“Excuse me!” said Jessica the giant head. “We’re five minutes in and less than 10% of you have used your token to access your game manual. In case you’re not sure what it looks like, this is it and we really recommend you get it out now! Remember, you will melt if you don’t do this. That part is serious. You will melt and become soup.” Jessica’s head transformed into a spinning, yellow coin. I just stared at the image before slowly looking down at my jeans. My hand reached inside and I pulled out the… thing. I held it close to my face and studied it. How the hell did this get in my pocket?

I saw the colors change in the sky and I looked back up. There was now a cartoon thumb in addition to the coin, and it was making a jerking motion back and forth. It was showing how to press your thumb against the smooth side of the coin. I watched and I followed the directions. I pressed my thumb against the smooth side, and it instantly began to sear my flesh. I let out a scream and the coin got tossed in the air during my panic. I clutched my hand to my chest and made pained noises before sneaking a look to assess the damage. My thumb, to my surprise, had not been burned. In fact, I couldn’t see any damage at all. I then smelled my thumb because… well I don’t know! I don’t know what the fuck is going on and nothing is making any damn sense! The wall made a beeping noise and I looked over to see it had just ticked down to twenty minutes, and my eyes went wide. The coin! I lost it in the grass when it flew into the air.

I scrambled on my hands and knees in the grass looking for the yellow coin, but my lawn was overgrown and it was hard to see anything. Why the fuck didn’t I mow, I thought. Fuck, fuck, fuck! My asshole neighbor was right! I needed to mow my grass and because I didn’t, now I was going to melt and become a fucking soup! I began tearing chunks of grass out by the handful, anything to help find the damn thing. I did find my still lit cigarette from earlier while searching and I shoved that back in my lips to puff as I kept searching.

“Hey, your game token is over here!” I heard a woman’s voice call. I looked around and saw a glowing light in the grass and I crawled over quickly. There it was, the yellow coin! I picked it up and clutched it tightly to my chest. I stood up while looking down at the coin and began to say to the woman, “Thank you so much, I-” but I was cut off by what I saw.

In front of me was a tall, slender woman standing in my yard. She was completely tinged in yellow, the same color as the coin. She was fairly normal looking except for her head, which was an octopus's head. Like, the whole thing where the head drooped backwards and she had little tentacles where her jawline was. I just stared at her and I took another drag from my cigarette before my mouth went wide open once more in shock and the cigarette fell out. To my utter surprise, my dog Patti went up and sniffed the yellowed octopus lady. She took a few steps back from Patti and laughed shyly. “Sorry, I get scared around their kind. Can she speak?”

I stood there and stared. “Um, no. She’s a pit bull mix. I’m sorry, but are you an angel? Like a biblically accurate angel?” She looked at me as if I had said the most insane thing ever. She turned her attention to the countdown wall and then back to me.

“Okay, we don’t have much time. You see those numbers there?” She pointed at the ticking number, which was now at fourteen minutes. “It’s very, very important that I get you up to speed and ready for when that timer ends. You’re going to have more questions after all of this, and that’s okay. I will answer everything after. I am your game manual, which means I’m here to help you.”

“I… uh… what?” I sputtered at the creature. “Am I dead? Is this the rapture?”

“No, you’re not dead, now listen closely. Your world is being forcibly entered into the Selerian Life League. They’re a bunch of aliens who you’ll never meet, so they don’t matter. Before your planet can enter however, you all must reduce the population to 20% of what it was before this all started. My name is Jay. I am from another world that has gone through this process, and I was in your shoes once. That means I made it to the top 20% and successfully got out of this. What’s going to-”

I cut her off. “80% of everyone is going to die?”

“Shhh, little, weird monkey man. There will be time later for questions, I promise.” One of her tentacles went to her mouth to make a shushing noise.

There was just too much crazy shit happening and I was beginning to disassociate badly. The countdown timer wasn’t helping me either. I felt rushed and no longer present. So I closed my eyes instead and started to breathe. I was feeling the movement of air go through my lungs and I felt the points of contact with my body, where my feet met the Earth. It was just a basic meditation, but it did help. Something inside of me told me to freak out later, but for now, I needed to get my shit together.

“Are you okay?” Jay asked. She looked genuinely worried for me. I took one last deep breath and opened my eyes and steadied them on her.

“Okay, aliens are real and they’re here now to make us play a game or something. Your name is Jay. Your planet has gone through whatever this is,” I said as I waved all around me “and you survived. Now you’re here helping me. Don’t know why, but questions later. 80% of us have to die and then we get to join this space club. Is that right?” I said. Jay looked me up and down before nodding. “Okay, what else?”

That seemed to impress Jay a bit. She pointed at the giant wall with the ticking clock. “When that timer ends, three things will happen. First, you will flip your game token to decide if you remain human or choose a different race. If you have to-”

“Change my race?!” I exclaimed loudly. Jay tilted her Octopus head at me and gave me a scolding look. I held my hands up and apologized. “Sorry, sorry. Questions later.”

“If you have to choose a different race, you’ll have a list pulled up as a hologram from your token. It will be a list of all the different races you can choose from. You will need to choose two and then you’ll flip your token and that’s it. You will then be given a list of classes that your race can choose, and again, you will choose two and flip for it.” My eyebrows went up questioningly at that. “Class is going to be what abilities and spells and weapons you can use during this.”

“Like Dungeons and Dragons?” I asked.

“Yeah, I don’t know what that is, but sure. After race and class is chosen, you’re going to see a series of coin flips happen on the screen. This is the computer choosing the biome for your zone. Once it finishes, this zone you’re in will begin preparing for what was chosen and we’ll have a bit of time before it all begins. During that time, I will explain Maze Twenty’s rules to you. Any questions?”

I just looked at her blankly and she stared back with her large eyes. I looked around slowly, first at the timer, which was now under three minutes. Then I looked up at giant floating head Jessica in the sky. She was still smiling and unblinking. Then I saw Patti was sniffing the cut off face of my neighbor Joey. I finally looked back at Jay and said, “Are you fucking serious? Yeah, like a million fucking questions.” I was going to say something else, but then the numbers turned red as they entered the final minute.

Jay looked at the wall. “Okay, it’s about to start. Remember, it’s those three things and then we prepare for the game to start. Oh yeah, what’s your name?”

“Max. My name’s Max.” I said.

Jay turned her attention from the numbers to me and replied, “What? No, I know who you are, Max. I was talking to your companion.” She looked down at my dog, who was now standing by my side.

Patti wagged her tail and her tongue hung out of her mouth as she stared up at the cephalopod woman.