So, As I Was Saying, Based On Your Past And Current Behavior As Well As Your Eye Movements And Body Odor, You’re In Love With Me. Oh, Also, I Wiretapped Your Phone And Heard You Admit It To Your Friend Valerie.

“I’m calling the police right fucking now, Laura.”

“Okay, no, that was a joke, Blake. I did not wiretap your phone. And even if I did do that, which I didn’t, because it’s illegal, I would never have told you about it.”

“When has something being illegal stopped you? Also, I do sincerely believe you would have told me about it just the same as you did when you told me about how you’d borrow my car for a minute about ten minutes after you’d fished the keys from my pocket and beelined towards my Beetle.”

“Yeah, with impeccable timing. And in this case that would have been after you confessed your feelings to me and we made passionate lesbian love at my place for thirty-eight consecutive hours.”

“So you would want us to do all that, then. I assume that’s a confession I’m hearing.”

“Me?? Confessing??? I could never. No, genuinely, I think I’d die of embarrassment if I ever did that. The passionate lesbian sex was just a hypothetical.”

“I didn’t hear you deny you wanted it.”

“Because I wouldn’t want to break YOUR heart before YOU confessed to ME.”

“Maybe if you weren’t such a coward and confessed to your crushes, I would do the same as well.”

“Do you have a PhD, Blake?”

“No, I do in fact not, why do you ask?”

“Because it takes a decade’s worth of study to be capable of such astonishing hypocrisy.”

For the first time in this whole exchange, I didn’t dignify that with a response. Any normal person would think I’d run out of quips to throw at her, but this is Laura we’re talking about. Nobody else other than her would ever dream of vocalizing their sexual fantasies about me, much less of doing it to my face.

It’s not like none have tried. Oh, some have. I do pray that whichever God they used to pray to is now welcoming them in their warm embrace.

And so, as someone with the exclusive and non-transferable permission to picture me in any sexual activity of her desire, it’s inconceivable that she’d also be someone to EVER think I was physically capable of running out of quips.

“… What is it, Blake? Did my unending beauty rob you of all your quips?”

“Never mind, I’m no longer in love with you at all. And I thought you were finally the one to understand me, guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”

“Okay don’t be such a massive ass—stop doing that pose, I didn’t mean it in the horny way this time.”

For the record, I wasn’t doing any ‘pose’. She did, however, take a long peek at my butt. God she’s so horny for me. A true pity that it’s only one-sided.

“Hey, Laura.”

“Yes? What is it? Why’d you get so serious all of a sudden?”

“I really need to know. Are we… American?”

“Ew, God no. We’re two Europeans living in some random Japanese town. We’re anything BUT Americans. Why do you need me to say this out loud?”

“Because I feel like someone has been slandering us for this conversation as well as another that hasn’t chronologically happened yet.”

“You’re just twenty-one, please don’t go insane yet.”

“It’s okay, my objective has been fulfilled. You’re no longer horny.”

“I swear to God, Blake, sometimes you almost make me believe you’re not interested.”

Ah, crap. I screwed up again.

Why am I like this? I wouldn’t even need to peel any of the 255 layers of sarcasm if I put my mind to it, and yet here I am, still unable to date this woman who very clearly is ready to give her whole life up to marry me on the spot.

Maybe that’s the problem.

Maybe I’m TOO committed.

“Well, I guess I’ll give you an ultimatum. You have my phone number, right?

“I’d think so, we text every day multiple hours a day.”

“Okay so here’s the deal. I realize you’ve never, EVER, not even ONCE, actually called me. Perhaps in your delusional world that equates to a confession.”

It does though. Why else would you make phone calls if you’re under 40?

“You’re right, it doesn’t. Go on.”

“If I receive a single phone call from you before the end of the week, I’ll take that as a confession. If I don’t, I’ll assume you’re not interested. How does that sound?”

Horrible.

“Horrible.”

“You didn’t need to say it twice.”

“Pretend you didn’t hear the first one.”

“It’s okay, I’m used to it. You tend to slip up quite a bit.”

…

Do I?

I almost believe her.

“Anyway, see you tomorrow at work.”

“You still want me to come to pick you up after all that??? Jesus, what a biiiitch.”

“Well, I still don’t have a car myself, so I believe it’s your moral imperative to help a friend in need. A friend you’re definitely in denial about being in love with.”

“I thought you’d at least drop that until my time was up?”

“Get a backbone, woman. If this is too much for your wokeoid toddler soul, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

Fuck.

Oh by my god and all of Her creations.

Bzzzz. Bzzzz. Bzzzz. Bzzzz. Bzzzz. Bzzzz.

“Hey, you could at least pick up, Laura. Seems important.”

“I am going to kill you.”

Not if I kill myself first you won’t.

“Is that really all it took, Blake. I’m ashamed of myself for not thinking of this one earlier.”

“After you said ‘wokeoid toddler’ out loud, it was clear to me that letting you go would mean endangering all of society.”

“You’re not exactly gonna fix me, Blake.”

“Oh for sure, but at least I’ll keep you busy.”

“You know what, that sounds reasonable. See you tomorrow, you bitch.”

“Yours truly.”

“Oh trust me, I know.”

I guess it had to come to this at some point. Picking her up tomorrow at work will be awkward, but at least all of those nerdy incel scientists she works with are unlikely to have ever seen two women flirting in their lives so I’ll be fine. They probably won’t be able to tell.

Subtlety really is an art and I’m a grand master.

‘You’ve got a new message.’

It’s not her. Damnit.

…… Wait a fucking moment.

AION Institute of Cybernetics—'We message you to inform you that a set of car keys with your contact information on them have been found by our staff in our cafeteria. Please come pick it up at your earliest convenience.’

Why the fuck did I fall in love with her.