[ CH 1 ] 3am Requiem to Youth in G Major

I walked faceless among a mixed crowd, each heading towards their own destination with purpose; all except me. In the heat of a blistering weekday morning, I had nowhere to be and no one to answer to. It was a sort of hell. I don’t recommend it.

When you quit your first professional job out of university after two months, you start to wonder ’Is there anything left I can even do?’

You start engaging in delinquent activities like, for instance, going outside, enjoying nature, riding the train for prolonged periods and exploring parts of Sapporo you would have never previously touched. 

On account of your non-existent budget and antisocial tendency, this will only make you more depressed. Don’t try it. Seriously.

That was two months ago, nowadays the only horizon I see is the divide of my desktop table when I turn my bent out-of-shape neck in the morning to check the time on my monitors:

-October 27th, 14:00

Pretty early…! I still have time today to catastrophize.

“Why did you resign?”

“It was a matter of principle.”

I had put in one of my favorite DVDs of a bygone TV drama. The campy English voices entertain me although I only understand a bit of it.

 In the story, a spy resigns from his post, only to be trapped by captors until he answers the “powers that be” why he quit.

I didn't quite get it at first when I was younger, but now it makes complete sense.

A ‘happy’ ending without compromise; such a thing is impossible in this reality.

I had tried to run from that compromise all my life: reading way too much manga, listening to music, and wasting hours on dead-end hobbies I was told I had an ‘aptitude’ for. 

Older generations, like the destructive Reiwa Era crowd may say “So this is youth…”, but for a growing few like myself; that is dead wrong.

Between order and chaos, and between burnout and devotion, there is the Eiei Era Daydreamer.

We’ve survived the greatest heist in history; the theft of the fairy tale dream.

The television was getting a bit grating, a bit depressing might I add. I needed a new source of noise to fill my small cramped room.

Like I tended to do from time to time, there I was at my computer listening to one of the few podcasts discussing the phenomenon:

GENGORON Podcast: The Eiei Dreamer - On the death of the media proliferation age.

Host: There was a time, and I am sure those of us of the Reiwa Era like myself remember; where practically anyone could become famous for their talent, or lack their of-

Co-Host: Yes, even when AI was a fear, which we learned was only a bubble; one could live a life completely off fifteen minutes of fame. There was a pocket of the world for every audience, every demographic; thanks to the internet. However, the underlying insidious issues were beginning. That was of course…,

Host: The death of the global media platform and isolationism.

Co-Host: The thing about it, that was the greater bubble, it was a lie that even our generation knew about; fame, influence, creative independence-there was nothing stable about it, but due to the media newer generations were sold on, this view that it was viable and aspirational was no longer to be scoffed at; fairy tales had become reality.

Host: Hah! As it's always been, a reality for a select few, but a dwindling few, now with the media machine controlling what can exist and what cannot, very few lightning bolts of inspired, burning talent strike through as before, The economy for the creative has become harsh.

Co-Host: To the young men and women that were sold this lie; A young man’s wayward youth is his glory, to be able to look back at it is a glory in itself. You are still alive; live for a future where you can say something like, “I did everything I could do.” I think that is the best thing.

Absolute Bullocks.

“A young man’s wayward youth is his glory, to be able to look back at it is a glory in itself?”

I refuse to accept that…!

If youth is a man's glory days, I refuse to accept it should be looked back upon with regret…!

I’ve had my delusions, but I couldn't care less about fame or influence. More than anything, the reason why I abandoned my books, slacked at school, became distant from my classmates, and devoted myself to a life of living in the background (yes, that was a choice of my own making); it was because I wanted to burn brightly for myself.

I wanted to make something to close off the chapter of youth; a requiem, if I were to be a bit dramatic. Even now, as I close in on the dangerous hour that is 3am in the morning, I choose to give in to the mania because deep within me is a desire for this  passion to be fulfilled.

At least then, I could continue in this life where a happy ending does not come without compromise.

After all, that's why I resigned.

But I kept thinking to myself, every other day for the past month around this time:

Is there anything left I can even do?

Was there anything left I could even do?

Could there be anything left I can even do?

-SIGN: LIGHT MUSIC CLUB-

“Hey Togawa, don’t take this the wrong way… but you’re pretty decent at guitar for someone like yourself; what's up with that…?” she said without a hint of disrespect; surprising for someone of her stature.

Yeah, I remember her. It's not like I don't think of this incident every few months, more like every other week. Ok.., you know what? Lets get off the topic of timing…

Hinori Sono: for a single year, she went to my high school. She was in her third year, and I was her junior. 

For obvious reasons we never crossed paths, what with her being the top of the class and popular as opposed to myself, who had relegated himself to the background (yes that was a choice of my own making).

Until that one day near the end of the year, when she came into the light music club while I was messing around on my dinky Squier Classic and asked me that question.

Completely taken aback, I began to babble and make weird, awkward noises as my breathing got shorter. It happened all so fast but I think I said something to the tune of, “What do you mean?”

She clarified, “You obviously dedicated a lot of time and effort into learning how to play, are you gonna do something with it in the future, or is it just for fun.”

What a stupid question.

Because it was a good one, and it pissed me right off at the time. I don’t think I ever answered…

And that was the last time I ever saw her.

Someone like Sono, she had everything. She fit into this world of compromise like she was coasting through life. I despised it. She wouldn’t understand what it meant to half-believe or half-doubt whether one would “do something with it in the future…”

But nowadays, I think back and realize I was an idiot. 

She was totally into me.

All those backhanded and awkward stares when we met eyes in the hallway (No I did not initiate them), was curiosity because I was her Guitar Hero…!

In all seriousness, she was on to something…

Why don’t I try the guitar one last time? Even If I don't attain fame, fortune, and influence- If i can make something I am proud of, perhaps I, Hiroshi Togawa; The burnt out, lazy student turned failure of an adult, that Eiei Era Daydreamer, maybe he can patron his own, private fairytale without compromise.

WAIT.

This happens every other day. 

[NARRATOR] With my fist resting below my chin, TOGAWA begins to think harder…!

Wait…

[NARRATOR] He said wait…!

I need a plan, a guide and a pledge to make sure something comes of this…!

[NARRATOR] Suddenly, TOGAWA remembers an often wrongly believed-in fact…!

10,000 Hours; don't they say it takes like 10k hours to gain mastery over something? That's a little under two years.

Hmm…Two years of my life; a two year sabbatical. By then I’ll be 25. 

If things don’t work out in Shinkkaido, either getting a job or me finishing this project, I'll compromise like the pitiful wage slave I would have become…! 

[NARRATOR] It was Decided! TOGAWA, TOGAWA, TOGAWA! From the pits of self sabotage and useless daydreaming, he has found a purpose - to make an Album that pours out 10,000 hours of desperation, inspiration, and perspiration. Will He Complete it? What truly stands in his way? Himself; or the “powers that be?”!

“Togawa Hiroshi…It would have been better if you hadn’t resigned.”

To You; the Foolish Eiei Dreamer.