Between Water and Coffee

The water was ice cold as it splashed against the straps of the school bag. Ayaka leaned over the basin of the water fountain, just as Takeshi had instructed. Her fingers clawed at the fabric as if she were trying to scrub it away completely. Her hands were trembling. Was it from the cold or the pain in her chest. She couldn’t tell.

Normally the fountains were used to cool yourself after clubs or fill up your bottles. Often students gathered around them and talked or relaxed for a minute, but right now nobody was there. Ayaka was alone again.

Why does this keep happening to me…?

She scrubbed the fabric even harder. Her fingers were already red, swollen from the cold water.

Stupid. I deserve it, after all. Who else would something like this happen to if not me?

Her throat was scratchy. A burning sensation rose in her eyes.

I’m weak. A burden. Useless.

Words she had heard often.

“You’re a failure. I wish you were never born. Because of you, we can’t be happy. You should just disappear! Nobody wants you! Nobody needs you!”

Her mother’s voice echoed in the back of her mind. Her father never said a word. Never. He only looked at her with those eyes, as if she were the biggest mistake of his life. Ayaka unconsciously touched her ribs as she thought of this. The touch triggered a sharp pain that made her flinch.

She pressed the bag even harder into the water. As if trying to drown it.

If I try harder… maybe one day… No. I can’t.

Ayaka knew the thought was nonsense. But she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t completely let go.

A face flashed before her inner eye. Takeshi’s, as he walked past her without a word. He had helped her without even blinking. The way he had reached into the toilet like it was nothing. No hesitation, no questions, no judgment. He was just there, as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

She never expected a teacher to do this. They looked after hundreds of students. Why should I be the one who gets special treatment? They don’t have time for a single one.

He shouldn't have done that. I’ve become a burden again. It’s my fault.

Her cheeks grew warm. A mix of shame and embarrassment.

I only cause trouble. He should’ve ignored me. I’m not worth anyone’s care. I’m like garbage on the roadside. Why would he do something like that? He doesn’t even know me…

She hadn’t realized she had stopped washing. She just stood there, staring into space.

I need to apologize to him. I caused him trouble. Maybe I should tell him to stay away from me. I’m no good for anyone… if anything, I only bring bad luck. I’m a disgrace…

Ayaka resumed scrubbing the bag. The ink stains were particularly hard to remove. Suddenly, she remembered that the cloth Takeshi had once given her was still in the side pocket.

Oh no! I forgot to return it… and now it’s stained with ink too. I’m so awful, so irresponsible. I screw everything up. Can I do anything right? Why… can’t I just be better?

Her fingers stiffened. She turned off the water and looked at the soaked fabric.

Somewhere deep inside, she still hoped that one day someone would say, “You’re not alone.” But she hadn’t believed that for a long time.

She lowered her head, turned off the fountain, and stood motionless in front of the basin.

I am alone. That’s what’s best for everyone.

***

The sun had already set. Outside, darkness mixed with a cool wind. Shizuka sat at her desk, still sorting through documents and preparing a few tests. A mild fatigue crept over her, prompting her to make herself a cup of coffee. As she pressed the button and the rattling of the machine filled the air, she realized she wasn’t alone. Takeshi sat in his windowless corner at the back of the room, seemingly focused on writing something.

Oh, he’s still here. I’m surprised! Normally I am the one to stay longer.

Since she had to wait for the coffee anyway, she quietly approached from the side and tried to peek over his shoulder. Just before she could catch a glimpse…

“Weren’t you taught that peeking in school is forbidden?” he said suddenly, in a dry voice. Without looking at her or moving at all, he had somehow realized what she was up to.

“Eeh?!” Shizuka flinched and straightened up, wearing a mix of a smile and guilt.

“I-I wasn’t peeking! I was just… curious.”

“Why not just ask?” He turned to her and looked at her.

Same look as always, huh? Completely blank. Would you even give me a proper answer?

“I didn’t want to disturb you. You looked so focused. Please forgive me.”

“It’s fine,” Takeshi replied indifferently.

“So? What are you working on?”

“I’m writing notebooks for all the subjects my class takes. That way I can cover for absent teachers spontaneously.”

Writing notebooks in school is a student’s thing. They contained not only the topics of the class, but also personal notes, helping to understand. Everyone approached it differently. Some wrote more, some less and some only the things they can’t remember at first glance. On the other hand, teachers had the curriculum. Almost everything where written down there, so there was no need for personal notes.

“Ooh! How diligent. I wouldn’t have expected that from you.” Shizuka placed her hands on her hips. “A student came to me today. She asked for a notebook and a pen. I think she said she is from class 2-3… Uh… but I don’t remember the name…”

“No idea wo you’re talking about…” he replied.

Funny, considering that she told me you sent her. And now all of a sudden, you are writing notebooks for every subject of class 2-3. Really? Do you think I wouldn’t notice?

“Eeeh~? Is that so… I wonder why she’d asked…”

She touched her chin and stared thoughtfully at the ceiling.

“Probably embarrassed and made up an excuse.” He kept writing unfazed.

“Sure, but… couldn’t she have asked her friends? I mean… when I forgot my pens, that’s what I did.”

“You must’ve been popular…”

“Hmm, well… I wasn’t unpopular, but I definitely wasn’t an idol or anything. I think I was pretty normal.”

As normal as you can be with a family like mine…

“Sure,” he replied without flinching.

“Why does that sound so… negative?”

“Normal is subjective.”

His attitude is starting to get on my nerves… can you at least explain yourself!

“R-Right. I… see.”

Shizuka scratched the back of her head and forced a smile.

Takeshi sighed and looked at her for the first time.

No idea what you're talking about… but your gaze is kind of… intimidating.

“Normality is nothing but a concept. Thy imagine it and you will notice, that you can’t have a clear picture of it. It’s just the most common ground of morals and values within a society. And it varies depending on where you live. It’s a consensus based on geography, history and culture. But people change their minds. What’s normal today can be shameful tomorrow.”

Why do I feel like a student now!?

“Hmm, you’re probably right. I guess I can understand you students now. B-But I already knew everything you said… of course”

Takeshi closed one notebook and picked up another. When he opened it, Shizuka could see that it was blank. He was starting from the very beginning.

Is he really writing these for himself? He could just follow the curriculum if it’s just for substitute teaching. So why go through the trouble of rewriting everything?

“Your coffee…” Takeshi noted.

“Huh?! What?”

Her thoughts had just begun to spiral when she was abruptly pulled back to reality.

“Your coffee’s getting cold. You should drink it while it’s hot…”

Takeshi made a casual gesture toward the machine.

Only now did Shizuka realize the coffee machine had already gone silent. She hadn’t been paying attention. Too much was going on in her mind. She was still not sure what she should think of him. She was still curious, but knew that she shouldn’t pry too far.

As she looked at the coffee machine, she saw the steam still rising from the cup. But it was just a normal cup. There was the face of a cat on it, while the tail was the handle.

“I guess I should get back to work then…” Shizuka smiled, returned to her desk and secretly glanced in his direction.

Those notes are way too neat and precise. As if he wants to make sure the writing is easy to read.

You’re strange, Takeshi Katou… so… different. Shizuka let out a small sigh. I can’t describe the feeling, but it seems like… you don’t belong here. Like you’re from another world, you just don’t fit in.

“By the way, Katou-sensei… you ever got hit by a truck or something?” she asked playfully.

It took him a few moments to answer, but in the end, he said:

“Mhm. Twice. But… where does that come from?”

“Huh?! Wait, for real?! I was just joking!”

“Uh… okay? Weird sense of humor…”

Irritated she sat down in front of her desk.

Yet there you sit, longer than anyone else, writing notebooks. Quiet gestures of kindness you won’t admit. You didn’t even look at me and still knew I was there. You miss nothing, and it’s like you see through everyone instantly. I can’t shake the feeling that you’re hiding something. Like that’s why you see people differently than others do.

I often wonder if you even have feelings… or if you’re just functioning. There’s a deep sorrow in your eyes. The first time I saw it, I was shocked… something happened…
…and I’m going to find out what.
So, Takeshi Katou, who are you?

“Your coffee…” he commented from behind without looking up.

“Uwah!! I forgot again!”

Shizuka stayed until Takeshi finished, even though she had already completed her own work. She had hoped to squeeze a bit more information out of him. Without success.

But soon he would notice her persistency.