Taunted by a fake Frenchman

As we ventured forth, a stone tower came into view. A French flag flew from the tower's roof.

"Huh? I thought France didn't exist in this world," I grumbled.

"What are you talking about, mate? There are plenty of French isles around the world," Dumbee smiled as he pulled out his map.

Oh right, France did have some islands under their jurisdiction. I guess that means any country that has island territories exists in that capacity.

"I've heard the French have explored the whole Outback," Dumbee smiled.

"Maybe they know where the Yowie is. Let's ask them."

"Nah mate, I wanna find em with you on are own."

"I just want to get out of here, I'm asking the French." I

As I approached the main entrance, a bald man with a thin mustache clad in a red suit and beret stared down at me. "And who are you?" he asked with a thick French accent.

"I'm Roux, I was wondering if you knew where to find the Yowie."

"Hon hon hon! Ze Yowie? I ave never heard of such a beast."

"So the Yowie doesn't exist. Well, that doesn't surprise me. Thanks for the information."

"I LIED! ZERE EZ A YOWIE!"

"Huh!?"

"You fell for it you stupid kangaroo! You imbecile!"

"So which is it!?"

"I am not telling an idiot with only 69 IQ!"

"The hell!? How do you know-"

"I did not, but you just told me! Monsieur 69! Hon hon hon! You really are stupid!"

I HATE THIS BASTARD!

"Screw you! I'm leaving."

"Your mother was a gerbil, and your father smelled of raspberries! Also, I'm not really French."

"If you think that'll trigger me, go fuck yourself."

"I also fucked your mother... and made her kiss my hairy ass!" the fake Frenchman cackled.

"Don't care. Fuck her, I'll just disown you all."

"If you don't get ze information out of me, you will be trapped here and lose all your brain cells to me."

"THAT'S IT I'M KICKING YOUR ASS!"

*Roux failed to realize he had been taunted by the fake Frenchman. In his rage he tried barging through the gate, and trying to reach the top of the tower by various means. He cartoonishly failed, and the taunting only increased. By the time Dumbee smacked Roux back to his senses, Roux had lost 69,000,000 brain cells*

"I told ya not to do it, mate," Dumbee said.

"SCREW THAT FAKE FRENCHMAN! I WANNA KILL HIM!" I shouted as I whipped out my shotgun.

To my dismay, he dodged every shot, all while dancing the can can and laughing.

Dumbee then whipped out a boomerang and threw it, only for the bastard to leap over it, sending it right back to behead us both on the spot.

*Roux lost 70 brain cells to revive himself and Dumbee*

We respawned a distance away from the tower.

"The map says there's a path through that cave, lets go in it," Dumbee smiled as he dragged me towards a cave.

I turned towards the castle one final time and noticed something getting launched from a trebuchet aimed at us. WAIT!

Before we could react, we were crushed by a wildebeest.

"Hon hon hon! You ave been crushed by ze wildebeest! Also, I AM technically French! Saint Barthélemy counts as France!" the fake? Frenchman taunted through a megaphone.

*Roux lost 70 brain cells to revive himself and Dumbee*

"Apologies," the wildebeest bowed as he trotted away.

I bolted for the cave as Dumbee followed behind. We SOMEHOW managed to get through the cave without incident. I then saw Richelieu and his trash bag.

"Are we getting close?" I asked.

"Getting there. Continue through the bamboo forest and you'll find a river. Float down it, then you'll reach a plateau. Cave's right across," Richelieu stated.

"Th-thanks."

"Oh yeah, now tell me the capital of Assyria, Bitch!"

"I don't know that! AAAAAAAAAAHH!" I screamed as I found myself flying high into the air.

I desperately tried to slow my fall and nail the landing, but I found myself unable to move, leading to me splatting down like crushed tomatoes on the ground.

*Roux lost 69 brain cells to revive himself*

"THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!?"

"The cost of information. Well now you know. Better find the answer to getting out of this hell though. Bye Bitch!" Richelieu laughed as he vanished. This time, no goo was left behind.

"Crikey, mate! I never knew you could jump so high mate. Too bad you blew the landing," Dumbee smiled.

Must I reiterate how much I hate this place?

...

"Hey teach, what even is the capitol of Assyria?" Peunia asked.

"It had 6 different capital cities throughout its history," the teacher replied

"Wait really!?"

"Yes, but that's not the topic of discussion. Detention."

"For asking an off-topic question!? We're college students!"

"And if you ask something unrelated in a board meeting, you could get fired. Next, the..."

Petunia let out a sigh as she stared down at her palmpilot. "Wonder why I had Assyria on the mind. Hmm..."