Unliving

Where am I?

An endless white void greets my eyes as I hear a voice from behind me.

I’m sorry, Adam...

Even with tears in her eyes, she is beautiful. But the way her voice rings like song can only remind me of the sad way she died. I reach to wipe those tears of hers away, but find my hand unable to cross the infinite distance between us.

 Sorry? Why are you sorry? You did nothing wrong... 

It's me who should be sorry. Your death is no one's fault but mine. Just spending time with me is enough for your life to be filled with misfortune.

Misfortune? Don't be stupid, Adam. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

She smiled that wonderful smile of hers. But she was still crying.

 I fell in love with you after all... How could I regret that?

Her words fill me with immense joy and sadness. But why am I unable to do anything for her? How is this fair at all? I clench my hands into fists and try to suppress my anger as best I can. 

But... You… why did you have to fall in love with me? If you hadn’t done that then you could’ve escaped this cursed fate. You could've happily achieved your goals. What reason could there possibly be to love me so much that you'd... that you'd give up everything else you had?

Hmmm… That's a bit of a strange question, Adam. It's not like I have a particular reason for that. I love you and that's it. 

It's not something complicated, nor is it something I've ever regretted or will regret.

Somehow I'm stunned by her frankness. I look away, blushing.

Yeah, I love you too...

But what now? What even is this place? Heaven?

…Not sure. It's probably something like that. But... it looks like you can’t stay here much longer. I'm sorry Adam, I'll have to break our promise and leave you now.

Huh?

Raya stood up and began walking deeper into the void.

I try to follow after her but black chains appear and hold me in place. No, maybe they have been here the entire time but I just couldn't see them.

When I look back to Raya I see her turn around to face me once again.

She smiles and waves as tears stream down her face. Then she turns her back and keeps walking.

I want to scream and yell at her to come back, but I know it's useless.

Instead, my heart rips and shatters into a million pieces

I love you Raya

I love you more than anything

I reach my hand out but she never turns around to look at me again

Tears cloud and blurry my vision until I’m submerged into a silent dream of black.

- - - - - - -

Her voice cuts through the void, with every word releasing warm blood. It’s numbing and comfortable.

???: So that’s it? After 14 years of nothingness, you return here all the same?

Why did I ever let you go? Why did I try to change?

Pax: I just missed you so much that I came running back.

???: Oh? Looks like your iconic humor remains intact. Maybe you weren’t affected as much as I had thought.

She fakes a look of hurt surprise, her face contorting into a disgustingly pretty smile.

Pax: Go fuck yourself. I liked it better when you didn’t speak so much.

???: Alright, we’ll skip the pleasantries at your behest.

She playfully gives me a deep bow and a thunderous boom shakes the world around us.

That rune appears before me once more.

Had you merely shifted your gaze...

Her quality of her voice is different now. They force me in a position where I can only accept my judgement.

Had you not passively resigned yourself to Fate...

Had you fought with all your mind and body...

Had you not squandered your limitless potential...

You may have seen a different ending...

But merely watching, you let everything slip away...

Through your inaction, your environ saw only catastrophe...

I’m not surprised, after all you are

–Sloth

- - - - - - -

In the darkness I find myself alone

???: Alone? Could you be forgetting about me?

I really hate this bitch, but whenever she’s not bothering me I feel an overwhelming hollowness in me.

It hurts… kill me

I’m sorry Raya

It hurts, kill me

What is this place actually? It's so dark here...

It hurts kill me

I can't see anything but I can hear voices in the distance...

kill me, it hurts

Who was I again?

Why can't I remember anything?

It hurts, please kill me

Yes, I should die right now...

KILL ME IT HURTS

How can I kill myself?

Manifested from nothingness, Her voice serves to calm the raging sea of emotion.

???: Calm down Pax, right now you are in an unstable state. Just follow my lead.

In my hand I feel a rope-like object.

Though I can’t see it, I feel her hand wrap around mine.

She guides my hand to wrap the rope around my neck.

???: Now you just have to pull!

Though I can’t see her face, I can feel her smile. It’s genuine and makes me feel butterflies in my stomach.

Yes, I can do it now. With you at my side, I’m invincible.

With my meager strength, the rope went taut.

It hurts

I see memories of a girl dancing before my eyes. Her brilliance is blinding, and her warmth penetrates through my bones.

Pulling harder, more pain goes through me.

The girl’s back is now facing me, protecting me. Perhaps I leaned on her too much. Maybe I got too comfortable in her embrace.

I feel my brain scream at me for oxygen. I feel my body scream and convulse against my will.

Obviously, this is accompanied by more pain.

Raya, I’m sorry. I’ll never forget you. I love you. I’ll love you and only you forever.

IT HURTS IT HURTS STOP IT HURTS

???: Just a little bit further now, Pax.

Raya, I…

- - - - - - -

Greeted by darkness I can tell that I’m alive again. 

I killed myself but I'm alive.

???: Yes, that’s right.

Kill me

???: You’ll just come back to life

Kill me

???: It’s impossible

Kill me

???: Why do you think your punishment can end so easily?

Ah… that’s right… I don’t know…What did I do again?

???: You’re the Sinner. Now suffer for eternity.

That’s right, I deserve this. I brought this upon myself.

- - - - - - -

I'm a baby again, currently 13 months old.

It's hell. I've found it, this is hell.

I can barely walk, even with physical Augmentation.

My memories are still in fragments, but I remember her clearly.

Raya

She shines brightly in my memories yet every moment without her is torture.

I feel like a piece of my soul has been ripped out.

???: That’s not entirely incorrect actually, after absorbing some of her mana and getting so close to her for so long, your souls overlapped to an extent. Naturally, when she died you suffered some damage too.

Of course, unlike Raya, I’m stuck with this bitch for eternity.

Pax: How romantic, but now that she's gone it just hurts.

Also, I'm pretty sure that I'm in a completely different country from before because all the people here have a lighter skin tone and, for some reason, it's almost always raining.

This time, I only have a father. He doesn’t seem that reliable but he seems to care for me. Most of the time I’m left alone, but, whenever I see him, he looks worn out.

When I cry it’s a gamble as to whether anyone will show up, but I honestly prefer it this way.

...Right, in my last life I had a caring family… I also had a caring maid who took care of me.

Ash… that was her name.

Every memory I regain just makes me more depressed.

None of the families I’ve ever been with knew I was a monster.

Actually, maybe I’m more like a devil: Stealing the Fate of your newborn and taking their place.

It’s disgusting but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

Maybe I could cope by saying that the babies I inhabit would have otherwise died. Though, I have no way of knowing that. It’s depressing how little I understand about this phenomenon.

Now that I’m old enough to be able to speak, I plan to tell my father the truth about me.

- - - - - - -

With a creak, the front door to the shabby house opened. The sounds of rain intensified for a moment as a large man walked in. Noticing the baby sitting on the floor nearby, he closed the door softly, set his umbrella down, and sat down at the wooden dining table.

His cheeks were slightly rosy and his gait a bit unsteady. He most likely had just come back from the bar as he was still holding onto a mug filled with beer. As he took a sip from his mug, he stared at the baby sitting on the floor. A small amount of beer trickled onto his beard, so he wiped his mouth and placed the mug on the dining table.

“So how was your day?”

It’s not like the man expected a response from the baby, but he felt like talking to it was important for its development.

Strangely, the baby appeared nervous when asked the question, as if he understood it and was hiding something. Quickly, the man dispelled such thoughts as such a thing would be impossible. Instead, he wondered if he had drunk too much at the bar today.

Amusingly, the baby stood up. As a father, the man couldn’t help but find a small amount of joy in such a simple thing.

But then the baby spoke, responding to his original question by saying, “It was good Dad.”

Huh? Such a thing was simply absurd to the man. The baby had only recently said the words “papa” to him but now he was speaking fluent Basic without a single stutter!? The man considered if he was dreaming or just overly drunk.

“This is not a dream, nor are you hallucinating. The truth… the truth is that your child is already dead, and his soul was replaced with mine.”

Suddenly faced with this impossibility, the baby’s words somehow enraged the man. No, it would be more accurate to say that an anger that had set root deep inside the man had now found some kindling. 

This flame was not one that could be restrained.

Failing to keep his emotions in check, he shakily asked with his burly voice, “So, you’re telling me that after killing my wife, you've gone and killed my son too. And right now you're Manipulating his bloody corpse?”

"I-I didn't mean to..." stammered the child, its eyes wide open in shock.

“GET OUT!”

When the man stood up and shouted, the baby froze in place. Though he'd anticipated the possibility of a negative reaction, he was still unable to react to this situation.

The man picked up the mug of beer and threw it at the ground, causing a wood chip to fly and cut the baby’s face. 

"Get out before I kill you," said the man with frightening calmness, opening the front door. His gaze was locked on a corner of the room, refusing to look at who he thought had been his own child.

Regaining clarity, I ran out of that house at the fastest speed my pathetic legs could carry me.

In the pouring rain I could barely see a few feet in front of me.

Soon enough, I tripped and fell on the stone walkway.

The child slipped on the rushing water and lay motionless for a moment, simply listening to the deafening rain that pelted him.

A deafening silence.

In that moment I think something snapped within me. Something that had barely been holding on for the longest time.

I cannot die…

Seemingly having come to a conclusion, the baby lifted its head up and began crawling towards relative safety.

I will be reborn into a new body every time my current body dies… stealing the fate and future of an unblemished soul… I am a monster…

Punished by God or whoever for eternity…

I crawled towards a dark alleyway on my bleeding hands and knees.

Forced to live, there is no escape for me…

Suffering for all eternity... this is my punishment…

I took shelter in an empty barrel. A few cockroaches greeted my eyes, but they didn’t even feel the need to run away.

I deserve this... I couldn't rid the world of my disgusting self even if I tried…

Together… I will move forward alone…

Alone with this woman in the white sundress…

The drenched clothing of the child, combined with the natural cold of the night, served to sap all of the meager warmth that he had left.

Yes… I feel her presence behind me… She is wrapping her hands around my shoulders… "It will be all right" she is saying…

I see now… alone with her to comfort me I will march onwards-

Unliving