A First Look

Kana lived alone above the cafe. When looking for a shop to rent, she had wanted it to be small, secluded and most of all easily accessible without leaving the building. These days she barely went out, since she could order most things online and make food at the cafe. Only when she went to the doctor or similar places, she left to walk the city, but never without a hoodie over her head and a mask on her face. There were some things you just couldn’t shake. She retired early that day, in no form to welcome another customer.

After clearing the tables, she took a good look at the cups and dumped them into the trash. It was easier to buy new ones than keep wondering which ones those people had touched. The mere thought of them returning to her shop made her shudder in disgust.

She took a long shower and an even longer bath that night, but the chill never left her body. The fear she had carried wasn’t gone, it was just hidden underneath the thin veneer of daily life. Kana let her head fall back against the rim of the tub and looked towards the ceiling. Water drops ran down the white walls, condensing near the cooler air of the small, high window. Somewhere, something was dripping, the steady noise the loudest thing in the room. Kana sighed. She knew that the night would bring terrors and already didn’t want to sleep.

Warm and cozy out of the bath, Kana wrapped herself in her pyjamas and took a can of chuhai from the fridge before she settled into bed. The room around her was dark and the noises from outside were distant. This was how she liked it. How she usually slept. But today… Today she was afraid to close her eyes. She fumbled in the dark until she found the switch for the fairy lights she had strung up around the room. They were neither too bright nor too dark—just a nice, warm glow.

Right. Hasemi Sakuya.

She had heard the name before. In fact she had read it for the first time not even three weeks ago when she made the decision to look up the final judging round of Japan’s latest boygroup idol casting show ‘Idol Dream Starlight’. Sakuya was one of the three members, who had made the final lineup, but she hadn’t looked it up because of him. No, she had checked up on Ito Haruki. Saw he made the cut. Closed the news again before she could think about it too much.

But she did think about it. Of course she did.

So the stranger, who had sought refuge in her cafe, was actually Haruki’s bandmember. What are the fucking odds, honestly. Kana wanted to laugh. Or cry. Or both. The name of the band was ‘Candy Apple’. Reluctantly she opened the video app and hovered over the search bar for a long time. Finally, she entered ‘Candy Apple MV’ and there it was. With a deep breath, she clicked the link.

The three men were in a pastel coloured kitchen, making sweets, playing with the ingredients. The whole vibe was light and sweet, but the close-ups were clearly designed to promote the member’s physical features.

The center of the band seemed to be one Sasaki Jun, a tall and lanky fellow with short, blue hair. He had a clear fox visual, with a perpetual smile on his face. Hasemi Sakuya seemed to be the main singer, as he carried the more difficult sections, his visuals adorable and cute.

Kana found herself moving her fingers to the beat.

I’m your Candy Apple
When you put me to your lips
We get all sticky sweet together
Forbidden Sweet

I’m your Candy Apple
When you lick me slow and sweet
I stain you crimson
Forbidden Love

And then there was the third man. She watched him dance alongside Sakuya, his hair blonde now to fit the concept, falling in wavy strands around his youthful face. Haruki had always been personified sunshine, and his presence lit up their stage by his smile alone. He was good at this. Very good.

Forbidden Love

As a new group, there wasn’t much content of them online yet. Kana searched Sakuya’s name and found his introduction video to ‘Idol Dream Starlight’. He looked nervous, standing in front of the logo, with only a sheet of paper in hand.

“Hello, nice to meet you, Starlight Keepers! My name is Hasemi Sakuya. I’m going to be singing a song I wrote by myself. I hope you enjoy it”

Kana braced herself for the cringe that usually followed such an introduction, but let her mouth fall open when she heard the most angelic soft tones coming from her phone speakers.

…

And when the wind carries me
I don’t know where
I don’t know how long
But I know I will find a way

…

His voice wasn’t deep, but it was mellow and it dripped with melancholic emotion. It tugged on Kana’s heartstrings. No wonder he had made it to the final lineup.

She clicked another video. It was a fanmade best-of of Sakuya’s scenes from the casting show set to a very famous gaming console song. Kana grinned before it even properly started. For the next hour, she laughed along several edits of the casting show, with Sakuya and the others in increasingly stupid situations. ‘Idol Dream Starlight’ had been very successful, considering the views, likes and comments each video had.

When she finally turned off her phone, a strange mixture of joy, nostalgia and sadness swirled in her chest. She hadn’t looked at any content of this kind since… Well. And she missed it, oh how she did. But she couldn’t forget, and the encounter today had brought his pain so close to home, she had felt it like needles in her arms and legs, like acid in her lungs. Just thinking about it made her breath come in short bursts.

And even if all of this wasn’t enough, there was Haruki, in the midst of it all. Of course it was.

That night, sleep wouldn’t come.

——

08:33 [Sakuya] Thank you again for your help yesterday! How can I thank you properly? 🥺

08:45 [Kana] I think most people would agree that having the private phone number of an up and coming idol is enough

08:46 [Sakuya] you looked me up?

08:46 [Kana] Was I not supposed to?

08:47 [Sakuya] no, it’s fine. what do you think?

For a moment Kana considered not answering at all, but that ship had already sailed.

08:49 [Kana] Cute

08:49 [Sakuya] Who? Me? 💖

08:50 [Kana] Don’t push it

08:55 [Kana] …. yes you

08:55 [Sakuya] 🥰

08:56 [Sakuya] I’ve been thinking about how to thank you for your help yesterday. I told my members about what happened and they said to invite you to dinner. What do you think?

…

10:45 [Sakuya] the offer still stands

…

18:01 [Sakuya] wrapping up for the day over here… did you change your number while i wasn’t looking?

…

20:17 [Kana] I’m sorry, I’d rather not. This isn’t something you need to thank me for. I appreciate the kind offer.

After having rewritten the message several times throughout the day, Kana finally pressed Send. It was tempting in many ways, but the sleepless night had made it more than clear that this contact wasn’t something she could stomach. She searched through the streaming services on her TV to find something stupid to distract herself with, when her phone pinged again.

20:20 [Sakuya] I’m sorry, I didn’t want to pressure you. Can I still come by your cafe?

Kana ignored the message and pressed play, letting the opening song of her favourite drama wash over her. Yet she couldn’t get through ten minutes of it before grabbing her phone again.

20:32 [Kana] The cafe is open to all (except one particular group of girls)

20:33 [Sakuya] Thank you!! 🥰 Good night!

The night ended in lemon sour, ice cream and binge watching.