Chapter 3:

Giraffe Meets Boy and Girls!

Romantadox: A Romantic Paradox in The Final Parallel Universe!


It was huge. The creature’s head nearly reached the tallest trees in the park. it’s lanky legs flailing beneath it as it shambled forward. Dopey-eyed and with a long face, its mouth was overflowing with pink cherry blossoms as it lazily chewed. The beast seemed intent on being a nuisance. Were it not for the picnic behind Alpha she would have reacted too late.

The giraffe had crushed a couple’s small picnic basket under hoof but decided not to worry about it as it waddled forward with a broken basket and rice balls caking its right leg. Instead, it was, no… she couldn’t believe it, but it was, the giraffe was waddling in the direction of Ame, Naoko, and Ethel.

“I have a code SLC! I repeat! Code SLC, please advise!” she whispered harshly over the comms, drawing her weapon. “I repeat!” she cocked her pistol as close to her ear as possible in the hopes of getting a response. “Code S. L. C. please advise!” For a second she heard Hotaru asking some banal question like: “Is that bad?” before Omega finally interjected.

“Alpha, is the giraffe cosmic?” She asked.

She looked at the thing as it bit off another pink branch still walking towards her and her charges. “How the hell should I know if it’s cosmic!?” She yelled, her voice unchecked.

“Did you check?” someone replied on the other end.

“How do you check!?” Alpha groaned, holding back tears.

“Just stop the giraffe! Stop it!”

“Permission to use lethal force?” She responded, squaring the creature’s long face in her crosshairs.

“Negative! Gunfire could ruin the great advent! Just go grab it and steer it away. Scare it off!”

“Oh thanks, Omega!” Alpha chided, “I’ll just do that!” she ran towards the creature at full speed leaving a futuristic gun and a pair of binoculars behind a cherry tree.

****

“Hog nose!” Yelled the tall human male.

“Weasel-face!” Yelled the short human female.

“Candy tramp!”

“Beige-buffoon!”

“Water-weirdo!”

Ethel was shocked by the number of insults they could sling without breaking face. It had been going on for several minutes and without seemingly any reason besides sharing the same space. When she’d first seen them walking towards her, she’d been fascinated by them individually. Now, with fascination growing in completely different directions, she couldn’t help but interject.

“Hold on! Hold on!” Ethel pleaded, standing up to face them. “You’re going to make me bust a gut!” She chuckled, trying to hold back tears.

The punk-ish girl remembered herself and straightened up, a slight blush on her face. She must’ve not seen Ethel at all before this point. Cute! Ethel thought. The young man straightened his glasses and glanced at her. “Hold on, are you Arkwright-san from the opening ceremonies today?” He asked politely. Sweet! Ethel thought.

“Yes, but that’s not important at all! I must know how you stay at it for so long! I’ve been listening and you two just don’t run out of insults!” She said. Then, remembering herself, she bowed and said “I’m so sorry. I’m Ethel Montgomery Arkwright. Nice to meet you!”

“Ame Owari.” Said the punk girl, folding her arms and refusing to bow.

“Uh, Naoko Hajime.” Said the strait-laced boy bowing at the perfect angle while clasping his hands in front of him.

Ethel started to laugh, quiet at first but then a bit more heartily. She couldn’t help it, as a sense of complete euphoria surrounded her. Soon Ame was chuckling and then Naoko as well. The laughter was finally broken when Ame pointed to Naoko and started to explain her complaints with his character which were numerous. The boy fired back with his own well-timed thesis with the three of them chuckling all the while. As the exchanges continued Ethel thought; I’ve never had this much fun before. And she wondered if this was what her long-lost sister had been talking about.

Just then, her long-lost-sister Hazel rushed across her field of vision in her green tracksuit. She craned her head without thinking, drawing strange looks from the two students. It was then she saw the dang thing.

“Giraffe?” She blurted, then covered her mouth, realizing if Hazel was rushing towards it, she should have probably ignored it. But she couldn’t help herself. There, head through the branches, munching like an idiot was a whole giraffe! And now, Hazel was flailing her arms in front of it trying to shoo it away!

“Did you say giraffe?” Ame asked, beginning to turn around.

“You know what?” Ethel said, grabbing her face and keeping her eyes on her. “I must be seeing things. I think I’m tired, could you take my temperature?” She asked.

“Nope, you’re not seeing things.” Naoko said gesturing towards the chaos. “It looks like a zookeeper is trying to capture an escaped giraffe!”

Ethel panicked; she knew that was no zookeeper. That was Hazel! Or Alpha Ethel, or whoever she was! Her alternate self, and she seemed to know instinctively that if they put two and two together it would be bad news. She grabbed the boy’s shoulder without thinking.

“Hold on, we should leave this to the professionals.” She said, as the Giraffe landed a kick to Hazel’s gut knocking her to the ground.

“She needs help!” Ame blurted, starting in that direction just as Naoko broke free of her grip.

“We should call the authorities! Wait!” Ethel cried, but it was no use. The good-natured kids were already rushing towards the chaos. Ethel nearly pulled her hair out, her antennae partially unfolded and bristled as she chased them. She had a terrible feeling deep in the back of her mind that this was not going to end well.

****

Alpha dodged another hoof near her head. She was getting better at this, at least she thought as much before she got the wind knocked out of her. Her organs lurched as the giraffe kicked her onto the grass. She sprang up and checked her six, the group had noticed the giraffe and Final was trying to keep them from heading towards her. Great, but that wouldn’t last long.

“Damn tallhorse!” She yelled, scooping a rice ball off the ground and lobbing it at the creature’s head. It landed between its eyes, and it stumbled back for a second, grunting loudly.

“Get outta here!” Alpha yelled, striking at its shins with her open palms. The giraffe whipped its head down at her like a golf club and narrowly missed. That could have been bad, she realized. Then she noticed with a shock that the group was heading towards her and nearly there!

“Abort! Abort! The dimensional spectrometer is going wild!” Omega pleaded in her ear. And Alpha realized she had no choice. She had to retreat and hope the Final Ethel could handle things. After all, it was just a giraffe, right? She hesitated briefly, a result of her intense training as a soldier and her nature as a person. Even if it was a stupid giraffe, she didn’t want to run.

She turned on her heels to dash back towards her tree, just then, a mass of yellow and brown blocked her field of vision. She was on her feet long enough to see the giraffe’s beady eyes snapping towards her with murderous intent, its neck craning low to smack her dead in the face. She couldn’t dodge.

“Shit.” She managed, then she was tumbling backwards head over heels. When she came to a stop, she could see the yellowing sky overhead and some tall lanky legs leaping over her as the giraffe ran off. She blinked, and found herself staring upwards at Ame, Naoko and a considerably disturbed Final Ethel.

Shit…” She repeated, too quiet for anyone to hear.

****

Hotaru ran his fingers through his hair as the red dot exploded across the dimensional spectrometer engulfing the entirety of the screen. “Omega!? Is this to scale!?”

“Yes, and no!” Omega responded, which sounded so much worse than just a yes. The blob of red morphed and changed, shifting through colors wildly. The lackey Ethels worked furiously at their instruments trying to make sense of the feedback, but it was no use. The universe had undergone a fundamental change.

Omega started to babble. “The forbidden fruit is plucked from the tree, what knowledge does it contain?” She muttered. Hotaru barely managed to keep from defecating himself. He ducked low, covering his head in his hands, and bracing himself between computer towers for “the big boom.”

“Sister?” Came a voice through the speakers. “Is that you?” Hotaru recognized that voice. It was Ethel, but which one? He stood up and glanced around at the other monitors. On a large screen dominating the far wall two Ethels were zooming in on the scene from a satellite they had hacked a few hours previous. Final Ethel was standing over Alpha now, offering her hand.

“Here, are you okay?” she said, pulling the other Ethel to her feet in full view of Ame and Naoko. Hotaru glanced at the spectrometer. The amorphous blob began to quiver and shift.

“Uh, yeah. I’m fine.” Alpha Ethel said, exhaling loudly. And in that instant Final Ethel had an arm around her.

“I’m sorry! I forgot to mention, this is my twin sister, Hazel Montague Arkwright!” Final Ethel exclaimed. “She skipped the opening ceremonies to play games. At least I thought so! What were you doing chasing zoo animals?” She asked, stepping back and placing her hands on her hips.

“Oh, you know. I uh, needed to get a workout in.” Alpha said, trying to play along.

All eyes in mission control snapped to the Dimensional spectrometer. The blob stopped moving, shifted to red and then disappeared. In its place were two distinct red dots with flashing numbers next to them. Omega and Hotaru looked at each other then back at the satellite footage where four teenagers were holding a casual conversation and many blocks away policemen were chasing a giraffe. There was no boom, there was no tear in the multiverse, but there were two Ethels in dimension 99999-LC.

****

“Hold on. One second.” Ame said, dabbing Alpha’s forehead with her tie. She had been telling Alpha ‘Just one more thing’ for about four minutes. Meanwhile the other two were on the outskirts of the park giving a statement to the police. Alpha, per orders from her “sister” was sitting on a hill covered in cherry blossoms getting doted on by one of her best friends. She couldn’t complain but it was getting a little ridiculous.

“You’re getting blood on your tie! Stop!” Alpha replied, trying to push her away. “Look, it’s fine.” She said, feeling another trickle of blood immediately drip down to the crook of her nose.

“No. This is a battle-wound. It must be treated!” Ame said, still a bit too enthusiastic over the tussle with the giraffe.

“I’m fine. Seriously, I’m tougher than I look, Ame.” Alpha pulled back her sleeves and flexed the considerable muscles in her arms, some of which had augmentations! Ame blushed and turned away. Oh, a bit soon for the gun-show, I guess. Alpha patted her on the back. “There, there, you’ll get there someday, Ame.” She said, thinking back on General Ame’s massive biceps.

“It’s okay, uh… Hazel… san!” Ame blurted out and suddenly her reaction made perfect sense.

“I’m so sorry, Owari-san! Too soon! I didn’t mean to act so familiar!!”

“No.” Ame held out her hand as if she wanted to arm-wrestle. “We’re sisters now.”

Alpha clasped the hand and shook hard. Ame held her own and stared back with a fire in her eyes. “I won a battle of the mind today. And you won a fight to the death.”

“I didn’t kill the giraffe.”

“You were really close.”

“And Naoko is still here.”

“He knows who’s boss now.” She insisted, releasing her grip on Alpha’s hand. She nearly went back to dabbing Alpha’s forehead but decided it would be more efficient to donate the bloody tie to the cause.

“Thanks,” Alpha said, bunching up the cloth and applying pressure to her forehead. In the back of her mind, she could hear white noise and mutters and was starting to wonder if she’d had a serious concussion. Then she heard Omega’s voice in her ear, muffled and distorted. She wasn’t quite able to make it out, but it was something among the lines of, “Spectrometer; good; stability; universe in” something, something, blah, blah. It was honestly too garbled to make out and besides she knew she’d get a talking to anyhow. Alpha was ready to spend the evening with her friends regardless of the outcome. And Final had all but insisted on this whole “Hazel” thing, so it was better if she committed to it now.

Naoko and Ethel wandered back towards them, and Alpha finally stood up. Maybe we could go for ice cream. She thought, her fantasy instantly dashed as Final Ethel gestured to the tall policeman following directly behind her. Not good. Not good at all. Ame tugged at her sleeve to get her attention.

“It wasn’t my idea to call the police. Guess who?” Ame whispered. Alpha knew Naoko meant well and was trying to be considerate and helpful, but this really rained on her parade.

“Should have shot that giraffe.” Alpha muttered under her breath, trying to think of a prudent escape route for her and Final Ethel. The group arrived in an awkward half-circle around Alpha as if they were staging an intervention. Final stood back far enough to be out of the officer and Naoko’s direct sight but close enough that she didn’t appear unwarm.

“Are you feeling okay, sister?” Final Ethel asked with a tone that suggested she should answer ‘yes’ and only ‘yes.’

“I am totally fine!” She said, holding up a red tie that had once been checkered white and grey.

“Good evening. I’m officer Nakashima.” The policeman said with a short bow. “I’ll keep this brief since you’re all well-past curfew. I’ve been talking with this young man, and I think we’re both in agreement that you should get some medical attention.” Naoko shuffled with embarrassment but as he adjusted his glasses, he betrayed a look of serious concern. Alpha didn’t know whether to hug him or kick him. He was trying his best, dammit! But he was making her life more difficult in the process, that sweet sunshine boy!

Officer Nakashima cleared his throat then asked: “Miss? Your name, please? And I would like to speak with your parents if I may.” He was stepping forward, a bit forcefully. Alpha’s antennae bristled slightly as he did.

He was a thin man, but his height worried her a bit. He was nearly a head taller than Naoko and had an air of bureaucratic entitlement about him. This kind of man expected to be listened to and answered in a timely manner. And he got it, nine times out of ten but he wouldn’t get it today.

“I’m doing fine!” Alpha insisted, “and there’s no need to contact anyone so long as everything is under control, right?” She locked eyes with Final Ethel for a moment who nodded. Certainly, both aliens in the group agreed: no hospitals. Ever.

Naoko adjusted his glasses. “I know it’s not ideal, but I think you should seriously get checked out. That giraffe hit you pretty hard with its head.” He put his hand on her shoulder as if consoling a friend with a breakup. “Please? I just want to make sure you’re all right.” The same hug/shin kick urge welled up inside her. Dope! Stop being so nice!

“Did you catch it?” Ame interjected as loudly as was comfortable.

“I’m sorry? Oh yes!” The officer said, “The giraffe is in good hands!” He insisted with a toothy grin and a half-hearted thumbs up. That would be a ‘no.’ Though they couldn’t hear it tearing the town a new one the group had no doubt the police were struggling with that thing.

“Do you have any idea how traumatizing that was?” Ame cut in again. “I and my good friend Hazel almost got trampled to death what do you have to say for yourself?” she cried, wiping away her invisible tears with a flourish. The officer took a step back and Ame smirked.

“I need more reassurance; do you have a picture of the beast in custody? My friend needs to know she’s safe!” She pleaded, trying to twist her cuteness knife deeper into the officer’s side.

Officer Nakashima was flabbergasted and tried his best to account for himself. Ame, of course, who was pushing his buttons purposefully kept insisting that he ought to have ‘kept this park safe’ and some such. That kept him on his back foot and constantly bowing for a time. It somehow never occurred to him in the slew of apologies that there was absolutely no way the giraffe could possibly be his fault. Alpha silently thanked Ame and made her move.

She gestured towards the path out of the park, if they went by the school they’d have a few options of where to turn before heading home. Final glanced back quickly, gave her ‘sister’ a wink, and started stepping away from the group. Good girl. Alpha was convinced the officer wouldn’t take no for an answer, but she said it anyways as indirectly as possible.

“Hey, Naoko. Wanna exchange contact info? I don’t have my phone on me, but we definitely should hang.” Naoko was taken aback but started unthinkingly opening his phone to the line app. Suddenly, the officer remembered himself and tried to pry away from his own guilt at letting the giraffe run loose.

“Young lady! I avoided prying earlier out of politeness but now I must insist! Please give me your name and phone number so I can contact your parents. And if you don’t mind following me, I have a squad car ready to take you to the nearest hospital.” The officer stepped forward again, making a motion as if he meant to grab her hand.

Just then, Ame Owari did the most flippant thing Alpha had ever seen her do. She stepped forward and snatched the officer’s hat, running off in the other direction. “See you at school!” She yelled, dashing away faster than officer Nakashima could blink.

“Hey! Come back here!” He said, trying to make chase, but he was no match for the spry youth who took advantage of her lead by frisbeeing the hat across the park as she dashed in the opposite direction through a group of trees.

“See you at school, Hajime-kun!” Alpha said, patting him on the back as she and Final made a beeline for the school.

The two ran as fast as they could out of the park, past the school, around the bend, and down the lane, zigzagging around a few houses just in case they were being followed. After a while they stopped and clutched their sides, glancing behind them to be sure they hadn’t been followed. Alpha was haggard and nearly doubled over a few times as they tried to catch their breath.

“Was that okay?” Final Ethel asked.

“You tell me. My sister Hazel, pro gamer?”

“I had to come up with something. I don’t know, it felt wrong, as if they wouldn’t accept what they were seeing if I didn’t give an explanation.”

“Right on the money.” Alpha panted. “I’m surprised you were able to pick up on that seeing as we didn’t exactly brief you on the situation.”

“I am you, sister.” She responded offering Alpha her hand.

Alpha stood up a bit straighter after accepting Final’s help. But she started to see two Ethels after a second. She was feeling light as if an intense weight had been lifted off her. She took a step and nearly fell flat on her face; Final had caught her. Oh, blood loss. Either that or the concussion. She realized.

“Sorry Ethel.” Alpha breathed as they hobbled forward.

“It’s okay. I owe you a lot.” Final responded cheerfully, lifting her sister a bit higher and walking a bit straighter. “I’d actually been meaning to ask, what was it like for you? Meeting Owari-san and Hajime-san?”

The question came as a shock though she’d been wanting to talk about it with someone all day. That said, Final wasn’t exactly someone she could share absolutely everything with. There was some information she was best discovering organically, at least, that’s what the Ethels in other timelines had decided.

“It was great! But I think it’s a story better saved for another time?”

“Why’s that?” Final asked.

“Because I’m dying!” Alpha said half sarcastically.

“Oh, oh right! I’m sorry!” Final said in a huff.

“It’s okay, there will be plenty of time to talk later. For now, let’s just get inside.” Final’s house had nearly snuck up on them as they made their way forward. Alpha had the distinct thought that, in fact, she could have easily made it back inside the house without all this running, if only she could remember how. Her eyelids sagged as they made a slow, painful limp to the front door, beyond which were the worried shrieks of four panicked Ethels and a Hotaru.

Once inside, primitive Ethel shut the door and a swarm of medical Ethels covered head to toe in hazmat suits surrounded Alpha. They separated her from Final and started to fuss about. They laid her on her back and produced several loud handheld devices that emitted noise and light and proceeded to poke, prod, and generally make a massive fuss. Omega watched from a distance in the hallway, holding back a worried Hotaru as she did so. Final was the first to protest.

“What’s all that for?”

“To make sure she isn’t dimension-sick.” Omega insisted.

“Dimension-sick? You didn’t mention that before.” Hotaru asked. “You just said they were going to check for wounds.”

“Yes, well. Someone must try and make sure multiversal integrity didn’t take a hit today. It might as well be me.” Omega adjusted her tie and glanced down her nose at the battered Alpha.

“Oh, sure! It’s all my fault! You’re the one that said, ‘stop the giraffe’ but wouldn’t let me do the one thing I know how to do!” Alpha spat, eyes recovering from their droopiness as an Ethel injected her with something.

“You’re the one that didn’t retreat when I said to! You didn’t even check to see if it was cosmic!” Omega seemed like she was about to pop a blood vessel.

“How did you expect me to check if it was cosmic!?” Alpha yelled back!

“Why did you want to kill it?”

“Should I have killed it if it was cosmic!?”

“Yes!” Omega replied, incredulous.

“THEN WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE!?”

“You’re the one that got kicked!” Omega pointed at Alpha putting her entire body behind the motion. “If it weren’t for your lack of combat skills this wouldn’t have happened!”

Alpha paused and caught her breath. Then, she looked Omega in the eyes and said, grimly: “I’m telling Prime that you suck at giving orders.”

“I seem to remember leaving the command to you, Alpha 632-E.” Came a slightly more mature voice from the Foyer. Prime Ethel stepped from the shadows wearing a lightly damp bathrobe and a towel tucked around the top of her head. “Good to see you’re in one piece Alpha 632-E.” She raised her hand and all but one doctor stepped away from Alpha with a bow. The last one stayed and finished drawing blood from Alpha’s arm which took a few seconds. Then she left, bowing and scraping.

“The results?” Prime asked.

A doctor Ethel holding a bright tablet in one hand managed to mumble through her visor: “Inconclusive!”

Prime looked down at Alpha then back at the doctor as if she expected her to rectify that statement.

“What I mean is uh, we… don’t know?” The doctor said, tilting her head then showing Prime the tablet as if that might help her to agree. Prime’s eyes narrowed as she stared daggers at the doctor whose face was concealed behind a paper-thin reflective visor.

“So, you’re telling me that a ‘dimensional splint’ something we thought was impossible somehow occurred and you don’t have any idea how it’s affecting this Ethel?” She said, pointing at Alpha with an open palm. The doctor Ethel scrunched up and everyone knew she was probably beet-red under that bonnet.

“She seems fine, ma’am. And all the Ethels in the house passed muster as well.” She explained. “No dimension sickness. Something of this magnitude should have caused a massive shift in the multiverse but we’re just not seeing it right now!”

The house fell silent as each genius Ethel processed this information slowly and deliberately. Hotaru raised his hand from the hallway as if he was practicing for school. Prime rolled her eyes and called on him: “Yes, Miyagi-san, you have a question?”

“Yeah, why didn’t they check me for ‘dimension sickness’? Surely, I can be affected too.” Hotaru said with a shrug.

“That’s because as someone who’s never been plucked from another dimension you haven’t had enough interactions with your other selves to cause ripples in the multiverse or the flow of time or anything for that matter.” Omega explained. “Ethels are different, we’ve been in contact with one another often enough that we can wind up causing a dimensional split if we make a wrong move.”

“Then why? Why would you risk coming in contact with one another? Let alone sending an Ethel to spy on another Ethel, you have Hinako-chan as well, don’t you?” Hotaru glanced around at the faces in the room he could see. The only one that didn’t look at him like the dunce in class was Final Ethel who shrugged awkwardly.

“Because the great advent is a multiversal convergence point. It is an event that takes place in every timeline across every dimension we have charted and if something goes wrong during it we presume Ame and Naoko don’t get together!” Prime breathed passionately and loudly.

“But, you have me too!? Why send her?” Hotaru asked, clearly out of sorts as he gestured down at Alpha.

Alpha ran her fingers through her hair then offered the best explanation she could: “Because, there’s worse things that can happen during a great advent than a dimensional split. And the only people we can expect to take a hit for those kinds of things are other Ethels.”

The explanation sent chills across the room. They were all thinking it but few said it. If a singularity opened up, or a creature from another reality slipped in, or a meteor came close to striking the group any Ethel standing there would gladly get in its way to save their best friends. Heck, that’s what I just did. Alpha thought. And it still didn’t change anything.

“But Hinako-!”

“Hinako was busy, obviously.” Prime said. Just then Hinako stepped in from the living room and dropped a small bag at Alpha’s feet.

“This is your.” She said. Alpha glanced inside and found her pistol and binoculars which she had forgotten at the park. Folding the items behind her back she stood up and addressed the room.

“I’ll take responsibility for this. If you want me off the mission I understand.” She’d been ready for this from the start if things went south, but she had hoped it wouldn’t happen so soon.

“Out of the question.” Crowed Prime.

“But I messed up! Anyone else would have been kicked to the curb for something like this.”

“Yes, but no one has ever successfully slipped into a reality and into Ameko’s life without causing a massive shift or crack in the multiverse. You might just be the exception among exceptions Alpha. That said, you may not know this but many Ethels less qualified than yourself have tried this particular stunt and failed. The results were less than savory. I think perhaps your intention may have something to do with it as this happened accidentally. That said…” Prime trailed off as she paced into the foyer and back, leaving a few foot-shaped puddles as she did.

“Please remember, this isn’t your world Alpha 632-E. Remember you have a job to do and that any more missteps like this will be treated with greater scrutiny.” Prime finished, noting the serious demeanor on Alpha’s face. Then she straightened up and nodded to herself for a job well done.

“Now, if there isn’t anything else?” She said, shooting a nasty glare at the huddle of medical Ethels gathered by the staircase.

One of the group piped up: “Bloodwork is clean.”

Prime looked at them like one would look at curdled milk then turned on her heels, coming face to face with Final Ethel whom she’d completely neglected to address. With a flourish she turned away.

“Another time! I’m going to finish my bath now!” Prime finished, retreating across the room. Then, with a blinding blue and purple flash she was through a portal and gone.

Alpha stood up and the room swam around her. This time Hotaru slid under her shoulder to help her keep balance. “Good work.” He whispered as they carried her upstairs. She was conscious long enough to remember why she could have entered the house easier earlier. She’d forgot she could freely teleport now! She made a mental note then completely lost herself to sleep on Final Ethel’s guest futon.

***

“Why haven’t they teleported home yet?” Asked one of the Ethels in the room.

“Because shimmer is weak-Ehtel thing. Run is for strong-Ehtel!” Said cavewoman Ethel, biting into the side of a raw coconut. No one pushed back against her statement.