In Whatever Way I Understand It

Dusk’s cold orange drifted across the radiant sky as the two children looked at one another for the first time in months. So much was different now. Even though Miu was flanked by the surreal image of static crystal shards forever frozen in a twisting wave, all Yuki could focus on was the cruel change of her face. The scarring was deep, jagged, and red. Her eye patch was too large for her face. And her cheeks were sunken in. The girl before him was a shell of the one he had known just six months ago.

For Miu, it wasn’t much better. Vomit threatened to lurch through her throat at any moment as she gazed down at Yuki’s broken body. Palsy had already bent his limbs and given him enough challenges. Now, his legs hung limp in the chair, and she feared the worst without even knowing details. Yuki’s hollowed face and grey eyes told her she was right.

“Miu, your face. What happened?” Yuki asked as his eyes narrowed and his lips turned downward.

Embarrassment caused her left hand to slowly raise and pull her hair forward like a curtain of protection. Yuki realized her misinterpretation.

“No, it’s not that. You’re still so beautiful. But your face. And your eye? I’m so sorry.”

Miu shook her head and struggled to find words. The knot in her stomach was pulling her down, causing her to hunch ever so slightly from the pain of looking at him. Seeing him brought her nothing but shame, and she felt wholly responsible for his state.

“I’m sorry, Yuki. I’m so sorry. We never should have tried to leave. It’s all my fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault…” she said as she closed her eyes.

Once more, the agony of tears returned and burned through her eye, causing her left hand to tense and dig into her face. Yuki noticed and rolled to her.

“Miu. Miu, it’s okay. It’s not your fault. Several people died at the house as well. Even if we’d stayed put, it might not have changed anything. It’s my fault.”

Miu looked up in surprise.

“It’s my fault for not being able to run. If my body hadn’t been the way it is. If my legs were normal, we could have run. We could have made it…”

“No, Yuki… No, please don’t think like that…” she begged as she wiped her eyes and forced herself to stand.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. My legs are dead. I stabbed myself this morning just to see, and nothing happened. I’ve always been at odds with them, and now they’re finally gone. They may still be attached, but they’re not really there…” he said in forlorn acceptance.

Hearing the confirmation of his crippling finally undid Miu’s gag control, and the lurch in her stomach told her what was coming. She turned and tried to cover her mouth just as the burning sensation reached her throat. Food, mucus, bile, and fluid all rushed out in a torrent of shame as she hid away from Yuki’s gaze.

“Oh gods. Oh gods no. No, no, no…” she sobbed as strands of saliva hung from her lips.

Fiery agony screamed from behind her eye once more, and she couldn’t take it anymore. A growl of rage built in her chest that rose in her throat and then ruptured forward like an animal being bled out. It was harsh, high-pitched, guttural, and frayed. The scream followed, and Miu’s fingers dug fully into her face as her spirit snapped in self-loathing.

Glints of light streaked through the crystal shards near her feet. They followed the cadence of her sobs and pulsed outwards with every enraged cry. But she did not see them. Her good eye was shut, and her face was buried in her hands. Then she felt his touch.

Yuki’s hand met her back, and her crying slowly tapered.

“I’m so sorry,” she repeated.

“So am I,” Yuki agreed.

Miu turned and threw her arms around his waist, allowing herself to crumple into his lap.

“I’m sorry we never made it to Tokyo or Fukuoka…” Yuki whispered.

Something in his voice concerned Miu, and her focus began to return.

“What?” she asked.

Yuki’s gaze met hers, and there was an unpleasantly empty tranquility to his eyes as he smiled a fake, somber smile.

“I hope you still get to go. I hope you get to see everything you always wanted. I’m so happy I got to see you again, Miu.”

“Yuki, what are you saying?”

Once more, he smiled a synthetic smile that couldn’t reach his eyes.

“I’m so grateful for every moment we had together. And I’m so thankful that you were always there to protect me and care for me. But I don’t want you to have to worry about me anymore. Wherever you go, I want you to be happy, and free, and not concerned for me.”

A new type of frightened, betrayed adrenaline was pulsing through Miu’s body now as she slowly stood.

“Why would I not see you again? What are you saying? Are you going to do something to yourself?” she asked as her hands trembled.

Mercifully and confusingly, Yuki shook his head.

“No, I’m not going to hurt myself anymore. But I don’t want to cause you any more hurt either. We didn’t get to escape because of me. You have sacrificed so much to be there for me already. I’m not going to ask you to do that anymore. I want you to be free of me. Go, live a good, happy life. As happy as you can. And know that wherever you go, whoever you are with, whatever you are doing, I will always be cheering for you.”

Something in his soul had broken, and he had given up. There was nothing optimistic left in his sight, and he did not want to subject another to that. Breathing became shallow and difficult for Miu as she tried to process his words. He was telling her goodbye. True goodbye.

“No,” was all Miu could mutter.

“...Miu…”

“No! I don’t want to say goodbye to you! Please, no!!” Miu cried out.

“But I don’t want to be a burden on you anymore! I don’t want you to have to worry about me while you’re far away! I want you to be happy! To have a life!”

“I was happy with you!! ONLY YOU!! I wanted to have a life WITH YOU!!!” Miu cried.

“But Miu, I am a burden. I already was, and now… look at me. We don’t even know what this world is anymore. If more of these shards appear, or if something else comes! I will not subject you to having to deal with me while navigating that. You deserve to be free!”

“I DESERVE YOU!!”

Leaves rustled and tree limbs shook. Blue flecks of energy rose from the silent shard behind her. Heavy, rolling pulses of thunder echoed from the sky above them. A faint glow shone from behind her eye patch. Gathering winds blew her hair across her face until most of it was covered, save for her healthy eye, which was now wide with indignant vulnerability.

“I don’t care what awaits. I don’t care what burdens come. I will always be there for you as long as you will have me. I don’t want to be with other people or see things if you are not there with me. In this wretched, cruel world, you were the only thing, THE ONLY THING, to ever make me feel like I wasn't worthless, castaway filth, and I will always want to be with you, because I l-l-love… I love you…” she said softly.

Yuki’s soft flinch pulled his eyebrows inward and upward as he shook his head.

“No… You can’t say that…” he whispered.

“I can. And I did. I love you. I just want you. The rest of the world forgot about us. And that’s okay. Because we didn’t. You never forgot about me. And I’ll never forget about you. I could never go on in life and see the world alone, because no matter how far I went, or how long we were apart, my thoughts would always be with you.”

Yuki’s eyes closed as he sighed through his nose and measured his words. He had wanted so badly for her to agree and leave him. It would have made everything so much easier for her. She wouldn’t have to worry about him or his body anymore. That was what so much of his mind had wanted. But his heart wanted this. As much as he tried to deny it, he had wanted to say the very same words on Christmas Eve, and had quietly cursed himself every day since then for not muttering them.

Now, he could. Even if it meant solidifying a bond that would condemn her to him for at least a little longer.

“...I never forgot about you because I love you too…” he said as he looked up to her.

“I have loved you for so long. In whatever way I understand it, I love you. And I just wanted you happy. I’m sorry it’s me. I’m sorry I’m me. And I’m sorry for what I am now…” he cried.

Miu knelt before him and let her hand rest on his knee.

“I’m not sorry. You are perfect. Even now, you are perfect. Let’s be together. Even if we are apart. The world might be collapsing, but if we're to meet the end of everything, I'd like to do it with you. And if we survive long enough, when I age out, I’ll find a way to get you out of here. I promise.”

Her hand cupped the uneven side of his face and held it softly yet surely as their eyes met once more.

“How?” Yuki asked.

“I don’t know, but I’ll figure out a way. I age out in a little less than two years. When that day comes, I’ll find a way to get you out as well. Then we can finally be together again. And this time, it will be for good…”

Yuki’s hand met hers as the clouds turned from orange to soft purple. Dusk was turning to night, and the crystal shard’s light began to cast gentle blue radiance onto the two children as they held one another once more before knowing that she would have to depart again.